Feeling unattractive

[Itsreallyallovernow]

I was in a LTR which recently ended. We'd had issues but I was always committed to him and I thought we could and would work through our problems. At our first (and only) session with Relate, he said I was the one he wanted to be with at the end of his life. 2 weeks later he ended it.

6 weeks on he is now embroiled in a relationship with someone else. She is objectively quite a lot less physically attractive than me (this is what my friends say) and overweight.

I was obese 12 months ago but am now at normal weight for the first time in 20 years. I should feel great but I feel completely unattractive. I always used to have a lot of male attention when I was younger (mainly from the wrong type of men, who assumed I was up for it because I had a big bust and wore revealing clothes ) but now I just feel invisible.

I am still hurt and sad over the end of my relationship and grieving for that I know. My friends are convinced I could get my Ex back if I wanted as we were always so compatible and that he has just gone for the first woman who came along. However I don't want him back; I feel we are done. But how do I stop feeling so unattractive in myself? I have lost so much weight, I have a whole new wardrobe, people I barely know come up to me every day asking how I've lost weight. I should feel on top of the world surely? And yet I feel really nothingy. And like no man will ever find me attractive again.

How do I get over this? My friends did try taking me to the pub last week but I couldn't enjoy it and men speaking to me made me feel sick.

Relationships end for everyone at some stage. It doesn’t matter if you are fat or thin, charming or disagreeable, kind or rude, clever or stupid. Some of most talented beautiful and pleasant people are unlucky and unsuccessful in love. Your relationship didn’t end because of your attractiveness. It ended because you weren’t getting on and your ex decided it would never work. No matter how much core attraction and love there was. In all reality the issues would never have gone away. Sometimes you have to let go.

Allow yourself to be sad at the end of a relationship but also focus on the opportunities you have now it has ended. That doesn’t mean rushing into another relationship.

I don't want another relationship. I feel sorry for this woman he is with as he has rushed into it and as he is still in contact with me and has asked to be friends (I have said no; my friends think this is his way of maintaining contact and keeping his options open/ testing the water to see if I will take him back. I won't). I just don't know how to find myself attractive again. I should, but I don't. I want to feel pretty. I don't. I just feel nothing.

I think you just need time to get over it. It's ok to feel the way you do and it won't last forever.
Sounds like you've got nice mates and good self esteem. And very well done on the weight loss.
I would imagine you'll start to feel a little better/happier in a month or two.
Is there a hobby you fancy starting? Not to meet anyone but just something for you?

Hi OP, I am feeling exactly the same at the moment, that I'm old, ugly and have the added bonus of being overweight but I have lost 1.5st since the start of the year but I actually feel less attractive.

I know why I feel this way though. I've just broken a cycle of 3 consecutive abusive relationships which really damaged my self esteem.

Was your ex emotionally abusive in any way? Reason I ask is 1. you have low self esteem, 2. you assign your worthiness by how attractive to men you are (not a criticism but I do this too and I think it is rooted in a really unhealthy desire to please men) and 3. most abusive men quickly move on after one relationship ends because they were never really emotionally invested in the relationship, were probably cheating months before, he was making dramatic claims of dying in your arms and then 2 weeks later dumped you and is shagging someone else and abusive men are prolific liars. If any of this rings true (and I appreciate I might be wrong as tou haven't posted much about your exes behaviour in the relationship) then you should feel sorry for this new woman and realise that none of this is a reflection in you. You tried to love a deeply broken man, battling with his own issues of low self esteem and self loathing and therefore he travels around life, trying to soothe his broken and fragile ego by getting attention from women. I know it might not feel like it now but it sounds like he has done you a massive favour. You now have an oppertunity to heal from this experience and find your self again by investing heavily in self care. When you truly love yourself, you wont care how attractive other men perceive you to be.

A huge well done for losing the weight (you are certainly an inspiration for that) and so you have already made a start at taking time for self care. Continue on this path and keep building on yourself and you will look back and realise he was never good enough for you anyway.

I'm sorry OP, that sounds really difficult to deal with. How long were you with your ex?

Congratulations with your weight loss.

Everyone tells me he wasn't God enpugh for me. I don't know, I feel like that's what is always said when a relationship ends. I do know that I adored him. I still do love him. The door closed for us as soon as he got with someone else though. He fucked up any chance of us ever getting back together. I probably would have taken him back but for that.

He is a very flawed and damaged person although I had no idea about that for several years. I wouldn't say our relationship was abusive but we did have a lot of problems towards the end. He had mixed feelings about my weight loss. He said I looked great but then also said on some ways he found me more attractive when I was fatter. He is overweight himself and friends have suggested my weight loss made him feel insecure.

We were together for 5 1/2 years.

He has always gone from one relationship to another. When I met him he had been single for 4 months, the longest time he had ever been on his own.

This whole breakup has been such a headfuck. He said he wanted a break, then that we were over but that he wanted us to be friends and see if we could at some point restart a relationship but also wanted to go off and fuck other people. But that I didn't have to worry because he'd wear a condom.

He was shocked I wouldn't agree to this. Honestly who would? Thats not normal behaviour is It?

Honestly some people are outrageous, I can’t believe he thinks you’ll sit back and wait for him to go and fuck around with other women and decide if he wants you or not! You have done the right thing by telling him it’s not going to happen. It sounds to me like you had enough self respect to walk away. Hold your head high now and don’t look back! I wonder if your ex actually started getting anxious you’d leave him during your weight loss. People were obviously noticing you more and he didn’t like that! You should be proud of yourself for loosing weight and you should now focus on building your confidence by going on some dates yourself. If you haven’t already done so, join some activity clubs like dancing or the gym so you meet some new people. Go on some great nights out with friends which you need to get dressed up for! Practice self care!

OP, emotional abuse can be very subtle and I think his comments about your weight loss are a reflection of his own insecurities. He doesnt want you to feel good about yourself.

Did he ever give put downs disguised as jokes? Did he sulk or give the silent treatment? Did he make you feel like you were not good enough (even small things like criticising your cooking), did he ever bad mouth your friends and family?, was he ever funny about you having male friends or use guilt to make you comply?, did he ever lie about small things or deny something happened when you know it did?

Healthy people dont jump from a long term relationship straight into another. They take some time to reflect on the relationship, learn from this and move on when they are emotionally ready. It's not fair to the new person because they will be taking on all of the unresolved emotional baggage he comes with from the previous relationship.

I'd suggest reading up on emotional abuse and covert narcissism. Even if it doesnt resonate with this man, I think all women should learn the signs to protect themselves in the future.

At the end, in the last couple of months, yes he started giving me shit about male friends. Who was X I was friends with on social media etc. He had absolutely no reason to be jealous or concerned.

Actually that's not entirely true...about 4 years ago during a row about something else he accused me of chatting to another guy behind his back. It was a friend from uni I had known for 20 years. I told him he was being ridiculous. He dropped it immediately. And aside from very recently never did that again. But I think it was a mark of insecurity. He has quite a low opinion of himself. This is probably why he's with the first woman who came along after me.

He thought I had a perfect life (it's what I've made it. I have achieved a lot through hard work but he started from a much better position than me, he just followed a path of drink and drugs in his teens, and other addictive and risk taking behaviours as he got older) he did say he was jealous of me.

I grieve and mourn the man he was for the first few years. Honestly I think that's the man he wants to be, it is still the real him in part. But he's too damaged not to let the other sides out.

I don't know how to boost my confidence. I don't think dating will do it. I don't feel ready and tbh dating in the past before I met my ex was painful, I didn't find it was loads of lovely men queuing up to compliment and flatter me and take me on lovely dates...more like loads of rude, aggressive, entitled men who wanted to neg me, or if I did go on a date assumed I'd be up for sex and weren't interested in me beyond something to fuck. I honestly couldn't face that right now. I'm too fragile. Even nights out with friends I struggle with.

OP, he really sounds emotionally abusive. The fact that he was telling you he was jealous of you says alot (narcissists are filled with jealousy and envy) and play the victim card (e.g. harp on about how much more difficult their life was and therefore should receive special treatment). Also, most narcissists have addiction problems too. They also all have crippling low self esteem which is why they are abusive in the first place (I.e they are unhappy with themselves and jealous of you so try to use guilt or putting you down to make themselves feel better).

Read up on covert narcissism as I suspect he is one and it will explain alot about why you feel the way you do.

The fact that you often attract abusive men tells me you likely have some codependency or people pleasing issues? It's good that you have been able to recognise these in the past but I suspect they were quite overt with it so easier to spot. Covert narcs are what it says on the tin, they use covert tactics to emotionally abuse. You may just feel like something is off that you cant quite explain but you feel drained in their company, walk on eggshells incase you offend them in any way. It's the bolied frog effect and they often have double standards when you think about it (e.g he gets angry with you for having a male friend but expects you to tolerate him openly shagging other people).

Dating again isn't the answer to healing. You need to invest heavily in self care and try to get to the bottom of why you were unable to see how abusive this man is. It's a long healing process because you have been worn down gradually over the past 5 years and it will take some time to unpick that. Once you see him clearly for what he is, you will realise that all of this comes from his own feelings of inadequacy and has absolutely no bearing on you.

He will treat this new women exactly the same. Narcs are forever trapped in their own patterns of abuse and self destruction so even if on the outside he looks happy, trust me, he will be doing the same abusive tactics to her soon enough and hopefully she will be able to spot them and get rid of him.

Also, that 'man in the beginning' was a facade. It isn't the real him at all and so many women in abusive relationships spend years chasing the fake persona they have in the beginning. It's all a ploy to reel you in and get you hooked. Did he have a fragile ego and was extremely sensitive to criticism (real or perceived)? If he was and you saw that anger (narcissistic rage) this is the real him that is always beneath the surface. Narcs are extremely manipulative and invest heavily in social perception of themselves so they often act like the nice guy in public, pretend to be charitable etc but at home they are cold, harsh and critical.

The bad side of him IS the real him. His insecurity is HIS issue and you sound well shot of him

He wasn't good with criticism but then neither am I so I wouldn't hold that against him. He is quite woe is me (some of which is deserved, some awful things have happened to him, but also he doesn't always help himself. Although I could apply that to some aspects of my own life too).

We were a great team, I felt we were an equal partnership and that until very recently he always had my back and supported me. But towards the end that went...and expecting me to wait around whike he sowed his oats was NEVER going to happen. Which is why even though there was more good than bad, I won't go back. I couldn't bring myself to. If we'd taken a break and he'd been on a date or two, maybe even a ONS happened, that wouldn't be unforgivable. But starting a whole relationship while expecting me to wait around was never going to be acceptable.

He is a very attractive man and earns a high salary; I'm sure he has deliberately gone for someone less attractive and who earns a lot less so she will be a bit in awe of him.

This might say a lot about him. He used to say I was beautiful. He told me he never thought that of his ex wife, he never found her more than reasonably attractive. She was a compromise and he married her because he thought she'd do. They were never happy as they were complete opposites. Eventually she ended their marriage which niggled him, I think in part because he thought she should have been grateful to have him.

OP I'm really sorry that you're sad about your situation. I agree with LemonTT's post entirely. Your relationship ended because he didn't want to be in it any more. Relationships always end badly because otherwise, they wouldn't end, would they?

I really disagree with PP who are 'armchair diagnosing' narcissistic behaviour and telling you that 'he'll do it to her', etc. Your relationship wasn't right, that's why it's ended. It's no reflection on you but if you distract yourself with pointless 'chatter' from (possibly) well-meaning people who have absolutely NO investment in this, then you'll fill up the vacuum of this missing relationship with meaningless cliches and they won't make you feel any better.

How does it help you to know that his new partner is more overweight? Less attractive than you (according to your 'friends')? I question that they're friends at all but they definitely enjoy an input into your relationship and stirring the pot. People project.

You know the facts. The only way out of this funk is to get through it. Let go of your ex, of his new relationship - and work out what YOU want. Stop keeping your ex in your head because you'll never move forward if you do - and it's you that's keeping him in there. Let go!

Of course no one likes criticism but did he appear to be hypersensitive to it?

Bad mouthing an ex (even if it's just something like he didnt find her attractive) is commen in narcissists. For example my ex narc used to harp on about how he wasnt attracted to any of his exes. Was he able to take any responsibility in the part he played in his old relationship ending? Narcs are unable to self reflect and always put the blame on other people. The woe is me card is very common in narcissists who like to play the victim and I suspect many of his stories are complete bullshit. The fact that he focussed on your beauty when giving compliments suggests he is very superficial.

There is no point analysing why he is with this new woman. Even if she is less attractive, she clearly has something he finds beneficial to himself. Even if it's just that she is an easy victim, she is ultimately narcissistic supply. The fact that he rushed into a committed relationship so quickly suggests that either a) their relationship overlapped with yours or b) he love bombed the shit out of his new victim.

I know alot of this will be painful to hear but the more you come to terms with it, the better your healing journey will be.

Here's a good video on how narcs behave in counselling. Listen to it and try to reflect on your own counselling sessions and whether you saw any of these patterns

One on covert narcs

one on narcs and jealousy

Red flags

I could be wrong, but from what you have written so far he sounds classic

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe I'm not making a diagnosis, I've said several times that he could be one and that he sounds like one to me so simply sharing my thoughts on what to me looks like OP has just left a narcissistically abusive relationship. There are patterns of behaviour all of these men share and OP has listed several that fit with this. How do you know it is just 'a relationship that wasnt working'? Its not normal to have such crippling low self esteem like the OP and suggests to me that there is much more to this situation. Ultimately the OP knows more about the relationship so only she can really know if any of it fits but it doesnt hurt for all women to learn the signs because trust me, if you have ever been in a relationship with one, you will avoid it again at all costs.

The point I'm making when saying he'll do it to the next woman is because the way they behave in a relationship has everything to do with their issues and nothing to do with the person they are with (I.e they will constantly repeat the same patterns with anyone they are with).

OP, there was a documentary on Channel 4 recently 'I am Nicola' about covert abuse and coercive control. It might be worth watching this too as it highlights the subtlety of abuse really well.

He probably quite liked it that you were obese and now you lost weight he doesn't like the idea that other men may find you more attractive?
My ex hated it when I lost baby weight and went mental at me wearin makeup to work. Maybe he likes bigger women?
Who knows.
Main thing is to accept it's ended, he has moved on and you also need to move on, find a way of gaining some self confidence.

You are doing it, Jaffa and your latest post is urging OP to focus on those links to diganose it too.

OP, here is a question for you. How do you feel when your friends/his friends tell you that the new partner is less attractive, more overweight, etc. - than you are? Does it make you feel good about yourself? Or, more likely, does it make you focus on the reasons why then, did he end the relationship? I'm going to go with the latter because you're so bound up in this still that you've posted a thread full of what other people are telling you about this woman.

She's not important. He's no longer important. You're the one who is important and that's where your focus needs to be. If you keep focusing on him (and her) then where does that leave you? With your nose pressed up against the window of their relationship... could you be any more unkind to yourself?

For your own sake, stop doing that. This is what I would tell my best friend. I really would. What you're doing is not good for you.

I'm not going to try and diagnose him. I think he has elements of narcissism, but I know I and many others do too. He didn't just value my looks. He was also the only man who has ever appreciated my brain too.

I'm not trying to obsess about their relationship. I don't understand how he went from telling me within the space of a week or so how much he loved me, fancied me rotten and wanted us to work it out, to telling me he wanted a break and some time apart, to saying we were over completely. I probably won't ever understand that though.

All I can try and do now is feel better which was the original reason I posted because I don't know how. I should be happy, I have the figure I've wanted for 20 years but it feels a hollow sort of victory. I don't know what to do or how to feel better. I really don't.

Lying if you listen to the links, they are not about diagnosing NPD, they are about recognising signs you could be with someone who's a narc. You can't diagnose it unless qualified to do so but you CAN recognise the signs that it is likely. Are you saying that alarm bells shouldn't be ringing by the fact that he was jealous of OP being friends with other men? In what world is that not controlling and abusive? I find it amazing that so many people on MN have no idea what abusive relationships look like.

You dont know anymore than I do whether he is one or not (or whether your thoughts on the situation are true either) but I posted them should the OP want to look further into what I have said.

I agree with you that OP shouldn't be focussing on the new partner but that is bound to be difficult when he has shacked up with someone new within weeks of ending a 5 year relationship where he professed he wanted to spend his dying days with OP! (again something an unhealthy person would do rather than someone who has just lost interest).

If he is a narc, I fear he will come crawling back at some point OP to Hoover you which is why I'm suggesting learn the signs now. They are predictable!

Fair enough, Jaffa. Neither of us knows what the situation is and OP doesn't either (about his new relationship).

'Red flags' is a very overused term (not by you,, just on this board) and so much of a catch-it-all that in my opinion, it devalues the commonsense behind it.

it'sreallyallovernow but losing weight isn't a 'hollow victory', is it? It's benefited you and you've achieved that. Did you lose the weight for this man? It's a bad idea to ever try to lose weight for somebody else (from experience) because a) you give them so much power and b) you're always using them as a barometer as to how well/badly you're doing and whether you measure up.

You measure up just fine by your own cognisance... for not other person. If you can stop seeking approbation from other people for how you look, you'll start appreciating who and what you are.

I didn't lose weight for anyone other than myself. By a hollow victory I mean that having achieved my goal, and finally won a lifelong battle with food, I don't feel any better about myself in fact I feel worse, and I have no one to share it with either.

He never cared what I weighed. He found me physically attractive irrespective of my size because his attraction was my personality and brain too. Was being the operative word.

My friends believe I will take him back. That won't happen. I have been too hurt by this new relationship of his. I rarely say never about things but thid is definitely a never.

OP, I think it's a common trap to think if you change that one thing about yourself (in your case losing weight) then you will be happy and complete. The problem is that your issues with low self esteem go far deeper than this.

You dont like yourself deep down and you need to explore why this is. What was the relationship like with your parents? Was it abusive or emotionally neglectful in any way? This is a common reason why so many people suffer with low self esteem in adulthood.

Also, its interesting that you feel like you need someone in your life to share it with. I would understand if you had been single for a very long time, were completely happy in yourself and wanted to share the good with a partner but its worrying that you are focussed on this so shortly after this relationship ended when you really need to be using this time to look inwardly about how to make yourself happy. We are all works in progress and relationships can teach us so much about ourselves which is why I suggest you read up on narcissistic abuse as this is a common cause of low self esteem (and why many women stay in these relationships because of their lack of self esteem)

Have you ever looked into whether you may be a codependent? You dont need another person to validate your beauty, worth or value. You have to learn to give validation to yourself.

Lying I think learning red flags is a good thing because they are signs that tell you someones motives for behaviour. Therefore they are common sense because if you know that someone is doing A because they really feel like B (but telling you it's because of C) then you can cut through the bullshit and know it was B all along.

An example would be for the red flag jealousy. The ex is jealous and reacts to that by telling OP she has feelings for a male friend when she doesnt (A = red flag behaviour). The real reason he feels this way is because of his own feelings of inadequacy so he projects this onto OP (B) but will tell the OP an excuse for this (C, e.g he tells OP he is only saying that because he has been cheated on in the past and doesnt want to lose her). It cuts through the bullshit and gets you straight to the answer which is the point of red flags. They are not a check list of behaviours that all have to be met to be abusive but if you spot a pattern of them, it increases the likelihood of the peron being abusive.

Also OP, narcissism is a scale and there is such thing as 'healthy narcissism'. You are at the opposite end of this scale I.e you have no self love (as with many codependents). Your ex is likely on the flip side of this scale where his narcissistic behaviours are more frequent, more severe and he lacks any form of insight into any of it. The fact that you can self reflect and are able to own your flaws means you cannot be narcissistic. I doubt this is true of your ex.