Feeling unattractive

[Itsreallyallovernow]

I was in a LTR which recently ended. We'd had issues but I was always committed to him and I thought we could and would work through our problems. At our first (and only) session with Relate, he said I was the one he wanted to be with at the end of his life. 2 weeks later he ended it.

6 weeks on he is now embroiled in a relationship with someone else. She is objectively quite a lot less physically attractive than me (this is what my friends say) and overweight.

I was obese 12 months ago but am now at normal weight for the first time in 20 years. I should feel great but I feel completely unattractive. I always used to have a lot of male attention when I was younger (mainly from the wrong type of men, who assumed I was up for it because I had a big bust and wore revealing clothes ) but now I just feel invisible.

I am still hurt and sad over the end of my relationship and grieving for that I know. My friends are convinced I could get my Ex back if I wanted as we were always so compatible and that he has just gone for the first woman who came along. However I don't want him back; I feel we are done. But how do I stop feeling so unattractive in myself? I have lost so much weight, I have a whole new wardrobe, people I barely know come up to me every day asking how I've lost weight. I should feel on top of the world surely? And yet I feel really nothingy. And like no man will ever find me attractive again.

How do I get over this? My friends did try taking me to the pub last week but I couldn't enjoy it and men speaking to me made me feel sick.

I understand, itsreallyallovernow, it's just that your posts are peppered with judgements based on what this man thinks/thought of the women in his life... his ex-wife (and you have NO idea of what he really thought of her, whatever he told you) and you. All based on his 'verdict' of attractiveness.

And now it's the same with his new partner - only his friends and your friends are making the assessment and reporting back to you.

If I'm missing the point then I'm sorry and I'll shut up but everything seems to be about holding yourself up to this/these women to see if you compare? It's really self-destructive if that's what you're doing.

I hope you can spend a bit of time finally shrugging off this man because he doesn't matter - and your friends' views don't either. Do what's best for you.

My relationship with my parents was very good. They were amazing people. They praised me unfailingly, were always on my side, made me believe I could be or do anything I wanted to. Most of what I achieved in life has been thanks to them.

I find it odd to be told I have low self esteem because that normally seems linked to a difficult childhood etc and I never had that, plus for most of my life I've been told the opposite, that I'm arrogant, think too much of myself or that I'm better than other people and so on. That's come variously from friends, acquaintances, strangers on the internet...

Codependent, I don't know enough to say if that's me. Maybe? I would have to read more about it I think.

Having just read a couple of articles I am not sure I am codependent but there may have been elements of it in our relationship. I am quite conflict avoidant in some situations, but not all. I did put him before me sometimes but I'm quite selfish so often put myself first too. Likewise I wouldn't plan my life around him specifically or adapt my plans. He has issues with his physical and mental health, and addictions but I didn't know any of that when I met him. I didn't expect to fix him but I did try and support him however I could - and what I read suggests that involvement with someone who has those issues may indicate some codependency.

That's great that you have supportive parents and not all self esteem issues are rooted in childhood, but many are. I also have supportive parents but my father is harsh, cold and critical and I was in denial for many years that he is actually emotionally abusive. I'm not saying that is the case here with you but your feelings of unattractiveness and constant comparison with his new partner suggests low self esteem to me. People with high self esteem tend not to only focus on how attractive physically they are to the opposite sex because they have a solid grounding to who they are as a person. This isn't a criticism, just a reflection on my thoughts from your posts.

If you are a successful woman it's common to be told you are 'arrogant, think too much of myself or that I'm better than other people and so on.' when the opposite is true but some people cannot see past their own failings which you highlight to them simply by being successful and they will then tell you this bullshit to drop you down a peg or two. Unless you feel you really are that way and it's a fair reflection of how you come across?

Maybe this is something you may find helpful exploring with a counsellor. The origins of the word codependent are rooted in spouses of alcoholics or drug abusers but this term now encompasses alot more than that. I could be completely wrong but it was just a suggestion for you to explore.

I am also a feisty woman who has done well in my career but I am also a codependent with crippling low self esteem so it is possible to be both. The abusive relationships I have been in, I would always challenge the behaviour and speak up, however I also continued to stay in unhealthy situations for far too long so wasnt actually putting myself first. I also attract abusive men which is something you mentioned up thread.

Being a codependent doesnt mean you are a meek and timid doormat but it does mean you have a deep rooted subconscious need to get validation and self worth from others and ultimayepy put your wellbeing last.

This video may explain things better than I have

My parents died in my early 20s unfortunately. But they were never critical of me - my dad was very critical of others though. He was the type that didn't suffer fools gladly...he did bring me up to think none of the local lads were good enough for me, he said I would never be happy with someone who wasn't my intellectual equal and I shouldn't settle for someone beneath me...thing was when I did meet guys at uni who were my equal (actually most of them were far cleverer than me) the ones I liked weren't interested in me in the slightest. It was the same when I started work...so eventually I dumbed down and had a series of unsatisfying relationships with men who saw me very one dimensionally. What's sad about my ex is he's probably the only man I've ever been involved with who's ever appreciated my brain and not just my looks.

I think I need to do some more reading and work out where this low self esteem comes from...I do feel that any concerns I have around my appearance in some ways it has roots in the complete rejection I felt at university even though that is 25 years ago. I do remember that as a very painful time; I went there very much expecting to fit in, to meet a suitable boyfriend (having never had one at that point) and I didn't fit in at all, and nor did anything happen for me romantically.

Bloody hell, am really feeling the loss of our relationship today. It seems so weird to think that only a few weeks ago we were fine, we knew there were issues but we were going to work through them and go to Relate. I spent every weekend with him and now I'm just begging round friends to see if anyone wants a night out (mostly they don't but that's fine because I can't really face much socialising right now). And my sleep is horrendous because I am tormented by dreams of us when everything was fine. Even if I don't think about it much in the day (and some days I manage not to) my dreams betray me.

But you still have the attractive qualities of your personality and brain...plus a slimmer figure, so in time, you will see these as an advantage.
You're grieving, that's what this pain is about. It's bound to be painful, but after a period of time to process this and heal some of the hurt, you will start to emerge and look around you and want to take another chance at a relationship. This is just a tough life lesson. Use it as such. Use it to make you wiser about your next partner choice. Until then, heal properly, experience the pain but know you will emerge from it.

I feel a bit calmer today. Had a message from my ex telling me I look stunning in a recent social media post and that he knows what he's missing, and he was upset by some things my friends have said about him. It changes nothing but did make me feel slightly better. We're still over though.

I will get through this. I got over losing my parents and that was far worse than this. If I can start sleeping properly I think I'll start to feel a bit better physically and hopefully them my emotions will follow suit. I remember reading somewhere that it takes about a month for every year of a relationship to recover..in the meantime I'll try not to be too hard on myself and find nice things I can do. Thinking of changing my hair colour maybe...something different as a break with the past.

OP, I'm sorry you lost your parents at such a young age. I cant imagine how difficult that must have been.

Your ex is a complete dick and is headfucking you. You need to block him on everything. He has just broken up with you and is shagging someone else and now sending you confusing messages about how stunning you look and he knows what he's missing.

If he really cared about you, he would be allowing you to move on with your life and giving you the space to do so. He 100% wants to keep you hanging and leave the door open should he become bored of the current woman. Also this is completely unfair on his new partner who has done nothing wrong except fall for your bastard ex.

OP, this man is bad news. I fear you may not feel ready to accept this but he is not behaving like someone who loves and respects you. Find your self respect and block him. He means you no good!

I know he is a complete headfuck and being disrespectful to both me and the new woman. If he genuinely wanted me back he wouldn't be with someone else, he would have ended that before now. If he genuinely cared (but didn't want me back) he wouldn't still be contacting me or certainly not in the terms he has. I think you should always try to be kind...this isn't being kind to me. He knows how upset I was by our breakup. The more of this that happens, the more it strengthens my resolve.

I think this is about you going through a process of getting over a relationship and nothing more. You just need time and to stay away from him.

The rest of it you are overthinking IMHO.

6 weeks on he is now embroiled in a relationship with someone else. She is objectively quite a lot less physically attractive than me (this is what my friends say) and overweight.

I was obese 12 months

He said I looked great but then also said on some ways he found me more attractive when I was fatter. He is overweight himself and friends have suggested my weight loss made him feel insecure.

It may just be he prefers larger women. Millions of people - men and women - have a physical type. It could be 6ft men built like rugby players. It could be skinny blondes with large breasts or curvy redheads. It really doesn't matter but its something you can't control.
It doesn't matter because whatever your physical type there will be a lid for your pot.

I don't think it helps to denigrate his new woman or for your friends to suggest he is insecure. It maybe nothing more than this is his type - after all he was with you when you were heavier.

Focussing on this is focussing on the wrong thing. You should cut contact and focus on you.

Imagine your best friend or someone you really cared about had come to stay with you and told you all this about how she was feeling. What would you do for her? Do the same for you. Treat yourself with the care and love you'd give a friend in the same situation.

I'm glad I do know about the new woman because if I didn't I'd take his comments at face value and think he really did miss me, potentially wanted me back etc which isn't the case. I'm seeing a side to him I wasn't sure was there. It's very sad but it's confirming for me that there is no going back.

It it so unbelievable that a man might actually prefer bigger women and genuinely be more attracted to them?

BBW dating sites are very popular, being slimmer doesn't automatically = more attractive.

I am aware being fat doesn't mean unattractive. I was very overweight until relatively recently but I always thought of myself as pretty and others did too. Fwiw my ex doesn't have a physical type, he doesn't prefer larger women (most of his ex's have been 12-14, but some smaller, some bigger). It doesnt matter anyway because he clearly is trying to have his cake and eat It by seeing her but still being in contact with me and telling me he misses me etc and paying me compliments. I did think he was an amazing man when we were together and I truly loved him, but the scales are falling from my eyes now.

Hi op. From reading other threads on here it may be he'd been seeing her before you split. Try and focus on you book yourself some time at a salon or a spa. Try and focus on you.

I think he was if not actually seeing her then prepping the groundwork.