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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Over sensitive boyfriend and how to recover from arguments

47 replies

myidentitymycrisis · 26/07/2019 19:28

As above, he is always the most injured party when we argue, even though he apologises to me and I to him, he insists on being more hurt than I ever am. Then when I try to turn things around and get back to normal, he sulks, gives the silent treatment, or acts very formally and correctly, with no emotion. When he tries to explain this he says he can’t act friendly when he is feeling so injured.

I try to brush it off, I always reach out the olive branch and I move on from arguments much more quickly. But still carry the resentment that he refuses to accept that I am hurt as much as him.

I’m expecting him this evening for the weekend but he already replying to my messages in a stand offish way, because of something we argued about last week. I’m looking for advice here for what stance to take because I always feel crushed and frightened he is about to end it, but I don’t want to be blasé and carry on as if nothing has happened because it has.

If I don’t reply immediately please dont be hard. We don’t message others usually when we are together. But I will be back.
Just dreading him arriving.

OP posts:
Iyhinkhellhavestrawberry · 26/07/2019 19:31

"just dreading him arriving". Why then are you afraid he will break it off? If you dread your BF then make him an ex and move on to find someone better as this bloke is not nice.

crystalize · 26/07/2019 20:04

He is controlling you with is sulking and silent treatment, expecting you to grovel and work harder to please him.
Why are his needs more important than yours?
You're dreading him arriving? Don't be afraid of him ending things. Its most likely if you backed off, he would be the one creeping back. I know because I had one like this. Bet you feel you can't go on your phone in case you're ignoring him? Its all about his needs.
Stop reaching out with the olive branch - he can sense you're willingness to appease him.
Things will only get worse.
Really as above poster said, this man is really not nice at all. He thinks he is superior to you. Please try not to be afraid of him and his moods.. fuck him, you deserve an equal xx

Walkingwounded · 26/07/2019 20:07

I had this. It is very passive aggressive and all about power - he wants to control you through his mood. He is being the victim to make you feel guilty.

My STBX is a narcissist who specialises in emotional control, learned from his mother. It may be worth thinking about what other traits your BF has and looking up emotional control and narcissism. There is lots on the web about it (and on mumsnet).

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 26/07/2019 20:12

He's a manipulative, controlling arsehole. Get rid as this will only get worse. I too had one like this. Never again.

psychcentral.com/blog/21-warning-signs-of-an-emotionally-abusive-relationship/

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/

newmomof1 · 26/07/2019 20:14

He's not over-sensitive. He's immature and manipulative.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/07/2019 20:16

FFS. You're dating a manipulative fuckwit of a baby. Do yourself a massive favour and get rid immediately.

endofthelinefinally · 26/07/2019 20:16

Honestly, walk away.
Life has enough challenges.
Don't make it harder.

ysmaem · 26/07/2019 20:19

He sounds like a nasty piece of work tbh and he isn't being sensitive imo he's being emotionally manipulative, emotionally controlling and just down right cruel and abusive. Sounds like he's got you right where we wants you. This is a relationship that you need to consider ending and getting out of sooner rather than later

ithinkiammelting · 26/07/2019 20:21

What was last week's argument about, that he is still being stand-offish over?

ConorMcGregorsChin · 26/07/2019 20:22

Just tell him to fuck off.
See how overly sensitive he is.
Then block him.

Ounce · 26/07/2019 20:26

He's not 'sensitive'.

He's a massive twat. And I'm sure you can see that really, can't you OP?

31RueCambon · 26/07/2019 20:26

I had a bf like this once. I realised he had a much lower self esteem. I had to end it. He was furious.

If your bf takes what you say and gives it a different meaning from the one you had in your heart when you said it, then that is exhausting.

The process where you set him straight drains you but energises him and yet still leaves him feeling hard done by.

Tell him straight "you must not take what i say and give it a different meaning to the one i intended as that is abusive"

31RueCambon · 26/07/2019 20:29

Google "vulnerable narcissism".

Not as obvious as grandiose narcissism hut the vulnerable narcissist is sensitive, neurotic, dramatic, sensitive, martyred, paranoid.. in a relationship they are threatened by any thought you have that they perceive to challenge their viewof how you see them.

31RueCambon · 26/07/2019 20:32

Ps I agree with the poster who says if you are dreading him arriving then dont dread him ending it!
If he does a fake 'we are over' strop, bite his arm off.
Hopefully you will have ended it already by then.

PositiveVibez · 26/07/2019 20:35

He's not over-sensitive.

He is training you not to disagree with him.

If you do, you know the behaviour that will happen.

You are dreading him arriving. Nobody should ever dread seeing their boyfriend. Do you not think that is a bad sign?

You need to dump this arsehole, before you get in any deeper, or your mental health and self-esteem will suffer.

MitziK · 26/07/2019 20:40

What stance to take?

How about 'I'm sorry, this isn't working.'?

BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 26/07/2019 20:46

Christ he sounds like a bellend. Like PPs, I had one like this: constant sulking, always the injured party, forever dumping me over the tiniest imagined misdemeanours (like having had previous sexual partners, at the grand old age of 26 Hmm).

He was mentally, then physically abusive. I ended up getting a non-molestation order.

Get out whilst you still have your sanity.

PeoniesarePink · 26/07/2019 20:53

Life is too short OP to be walking around on eggshells.

He's just ramping up to complete control.

Get the fuck out while you can.

rvby · 26/07/2019 21:00

I married a man who was like this and he came extremely close to ruining my life. Please run.

A good relationship should feel like a balm to your soul OP. NEVER invest your time in someone who makes you dread their company.

31RueCambon · 26/07/2019 21:01

Is the feeling of trying to please and trying not to offend a familiar one?
Tune out the characters situation and dialigue. Just that feeling you have around him.

Hope to persuade him that you have good intentions not bad? Is that familiar?

LtJudyHopps · 26/07/2019 21:18

Tell him to get over himself. I got with my DP when we were 17 and for the first few years he was like this. I always used to apologise first, hated arguments being drawn out and him being moody. He would sulk and be quite happy to keep me hanging. A few years ago everything came to a head and we broke up for a couple of months. I told him everything that was wrong with our relationship and when we reconciled things were a lot better.
I stopped engaging, if he was being moody I ignored it, and him. Told him not to come round if he was in a mood as I didn’t want to see him. He’s always been a moody fucker and he’s slowly slipping back in to it and I’m getting fed up. We’ve nearly been together 8 years who knows if we’ll reach that. You say you don’t want to end it but it may be for the best.
You don’t message other people when together, not even your mum or a friend? That doesn’t sound healthy...

Youwantshoesinashoeshop · 26/07/2019 21:25

Okay, as others have said, you have two options:

  • one: keep contorting yourself to fit his moods, wants and needs, making allowances for his 'sensitivity'
  • two: find your inner fuckoff and don't put up with it any longer.

Reader, i went with one:

This was a heinous mistake. Don't be me.

PixieLumos · 26/07/2019 21:25

He sounds like hard work - is it really worth it?

LazyDogFox · 26/07/2019 21:30

Been here too - it was hard but leaving him was the best decision. He is manipulating you. Get out, life is too short for boys like that.

lifebegins50 · 26/07/2019 21:32

How old is he? Your bf has a victim mentality which is extremely draining as no matter what you pour into him in the form of platitudes, apologies or kindness it is never enough to fill the gaping hole that he has inside.
As others said, a relationship like this is ultimately devastating to you. Hard to see now as you don't live together but over time the cycles of upsets get shorter until you are permantely dreading any interaction.
The reasons why he is like this is complex and not well understood but most therapists say it is not possible to change as his reactions are in his personality. Could you change an extrovert into an introvert?