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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I feel uneasy!

103 replies

Moofreemum1 · 26/07/2019 15:25

Posted a thread about this guy I was dating for 6 weeks! He was very intense at the end and didn't take to me calling it off. I got lots of huge long messages saying how upset he was, that maybe I could think about my decision etc. I told him he was making me uncomfortable and to stop. From that point I haven't replied to his texts. Yet he still keeps sending texts. One was apologising saying how overwhelming he had been and pretty much implied that we will be friends as how could we not.
Today's text was about seeing me on his way to the dentist when I was at the dentist. Bit of a coincidence we would be there at the same time. How he said he panicked and went down some random road as didn't know how yo deal seeing me. Thought it was a weird message. Yet again I haven't replied. Should I block him? I made it very clear to stop and he was making me uncomfortable. I just think if he continues and I haven't blocked him I have evidence of messages and if he escalates then I would have the messages to back it it.

I'm feeling really uneasy about this guy

OP posts:
ladders1 · 27/07/2019 07:56

Have you had any more messages op?

ladders1 · 27/07/2019 08:00

Your message to him should of been enough. I'd actually give 101 a call and ask for their advice.

Moofreemum1 · 27/07/2019 08:02

@ladder1 I've blocked him on WhatsApp so I wouldn't know if he had messaged me. I've blocked on all social media. Just normal message and phone I haven't blocked and haven't heard anything from him. If he tries ringing or texting me I think I may give 101 a call

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FuriousVexation · 27/07/2019 08:03

From a normal person's point of view, yes that would be enough. Legally it probably isn't.

Are these messages coming via WhatsApp? If so, you can turn off your read receipts without blocking. Go to Settings>Account>Privacy and the read receipts is about halfway down.

I would advise to send him one final message using pretty much the wording that MaeveDidIt posted. Wait until you can see he's read it, then turn off read receipts.

If he contacts you again after that, escalate with the police or if you have his home address, you would get a quicker response from a solicitor (but obviously you'd have to pay.)

Moofreemum1 · 27/07/2019 08:18

Should I give a reason as to why he should stop contacting me. Eg his behaviour and messages have made very uncomfortable or just say stop contacting me?

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Jaffacakesaremyfave · 27/07/2019 08:56

I think what you have sent to him is enough to show to the police you have asked him to stop. It's really up to you if you want to make it even more clear and hopefully scare him off before it comes to going to the police.

In the past I've sent 'I do not wish to hear from you again and have asked you to stop contacting me, which you have ignored and you are scaring me. If you contact me again in any way then I will be going to the police for harrassment'

Normally I wouldnt admit to a narc that their behaviour is having any effect on me but essentially to prove harrassment, you have to show that he is aware is acting in a way that causes you fear or distress and by openly saying it to him, he cant say later that he didnt think it was harrassment (the exact words of my narc ex when he was arrested for harrassment Hmm)

Another warning is that his messages may turn very nasty when he realises you are not going back. Although this is scary, dont take anything he says about you personally (narcs will say anything to try and 'punish' you for leaving). Its all his issues and self hatred that he is projecting onto you.

If he threatens physically violence in any way, then call 999.

Do not get into any discussion with him and if he calls you, hang up immediately when you realise it is him. My ex narc rang me and recorded the conversation. I stupidly was trying to gather evidence against him (he was calling me and offering me money to drop the case before being charged) which he then tried to tell the police I was extorting him for money and submitted an edited recording in his defence.

These guy are truly batshit, you cannot outsmart them because they make revenge a full time occupation.

As I said before, it's likely he wont go to these extremes as the relationship was fairly short (although one of mine was only 5 months and the other 9 months and I was severely harrassed- both cases with the police).

It makes me so fucking angry that these bastards think they have the right to intimidate you simply for dumping their sorry arses. Also remember they do this to every women who causes a narc injury so try not to take it personally (although I know this is so hard to do).

Both of my stalkers stopped all contact when the police became involved and they were charged and released on bail (I.e they didnt breach their bail conditions of not contacting me) so it's likely it may have to come to that for him to stop but at least he will be arrested and go to prison if he breaches bail which is usually enough of a clear message to stop them.

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 27/07/2019 09:04

If you want to look more into the law, have a look at this www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/stalking-and-harassment

Heres the CPS definition

'there must be evidence to prove the conduct was targeted at an individual, was calculated to alarm or cause him/her distress, and was oppressive and unreasonable'

'a course of conduct (2 incidents or more);which amounts to harassment of another; andwhich the defendant knows, or ought to know amounts to harassment of another.'

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 27/07/2019 09:08

Another piece of advice is start documenting everything now. Keep all phone records (screenshot missed calls etc) and any messages or delivery notes if he sends you shit. Keep them for at least a year, even if he goes quiet for a few months.

The ex who recorded me went quiet for 3 months and then started up the harrassment again out of the blue.

These men are deluded and tend to keep a list of women who they think they can contact at a later date to try it on again. Keep him blocked permanently!

Moofreemum1 · 27/07/2019 09:50

Thank you @jaffacakesaremyfav that's really helpful! I've met some guys who have obviously been upset if I've finished things and had maybe one or 2 brief messages after but this guy is something else. It almost comes across delusional. The way he speaks is patronising like he knows best. My friends think he is batshit and my ex (ds dad). It's just my parents who don't which is quite funny since they should be the first people to say stay away.

I've exported the chat to my cloud and will keep there. I think he knows I'm not interested as in one of his messaged after i told.him to stop he said "I know I've messed anything up for us in the future but we will be good mates, trust me. People who chat like us and don't argue cannot be friends"

I chat to people every day and don't argue with them. Delusional!

OP posts:
cheesecadet · 27/07/2019 10:40

You said earlier on in the thread that he said strange things when you were together, what were they?

BarbedBloom · 27/07/2019 11:55

A friend was in this situation. The police told her she had to be explicit in telling him not to contact her again. She sent something like, do not contact me again or I will involve the police. I think he did kick off and send her hundreds of messages after that and the police got involved.

Moofreemum1 · 27/07/2019 12:08

@barbedbloom that's what I'm worried about if I say that then I'll get loads of abusive messages and could escalate.

Well last Saturday I stayed over and when I went to leave I thought we were going out the back door so turned and started walking. He didn't follow and I said oh we going this way he replied "no I was going to kiss you but f**k you then with a slight laugh". Then I turned down an invite to a meal as I weren't comfortable going and he said "Well we obviously we aren't going any where. Jokes."

Also very intense, tried to befriend my friends and started liking all their social media and messaged the guy asking for PT. Started liking all the same tv programmes as me, so we could talk about them together.

OP posts:
Jaffacakesaremyfave · 27/07/2019 12:40

I remember your previous post about this guy OP and I knew from that he was likely a narcissist.

They are generally all completely delusional. All of my ex narcs have insisted that we could be 'friends' after ending things and one even said he wanted to stay in touch and be a 'role model' to my DC after he had just stolen money from me 😂

Heres some good videos explaining what motivates this behaviour

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 27/07/2019 13:20

OP, also from your previous thread you mentioned your ex was abusive. Is this the same ex you are confiding in now? If so, please be careful because he does not have your best interests at heart either and if you have a child together, he may use this against you in the future (My DCs father was abusive and when I was subsequently stalked by a new partner, I confolided in exH and he threw it back in my face later).

I know it's hard because you are feeling very vulnerable right now but try to keep your conversations with him about mundane things.

I'm sorry your parents are not being supportive. I would contact the womens centre today as they will be able to offer you some good practical advice and support.

SavingSpaces2019 · 27/07/2019 15:08

Well last Saturday I stayed over
At his house? Shock

Moofreemum1 · 27/07/2019 15:14

@savingspaces2019 yes before all this happened

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Moofreemum1 · 27/07/2019 16:40

Just received a message from my friend he's friend requested them on Facebook

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tinyvulture · 27/07/2019 17:40

He sounds like a bizarre Twat. Try not to let it get on top of you though. He hasn’t been actually threatening from anything you have said - just weird and clingy. Obviously things like this can escalate so it is worth being wary to a degree, but try not to panic at this point.

I think re possible harassment case in the future, it MAY be necessary to be even clearer in what you say to him. You say “please stop” but he could plausibly claim he thought that meant “please stop a certain type of comment” - flirting, or whatever. You may need to say explicitly “please do not contact me again.” I know that sounds silly, but my friend ran up against a problem with this point with her abusive ex previously......

Good luck.

Pinkbonbon · 27/07/2019 18:06

Eeep, that's so creepy! Did he just try to add them today? Maybe message all your friends on fb and let them know there is a weirdo adding your friends to keep tabs on you? You could tell them his first name (if it isn't rare). And ask that if he tries to add them, to reject him and let you know.

Hopefully with him being blocked from your social media though he won't remember too many of your other friends.

Don't accept any random profile friend requests either! Might be him!

What a creeper!

Iyhinkhellhavestrawberry · 27/07/2019 19:01

Yes I'd warn your friends and watch out for odd friend requests.

Moofreemum1 · 27/07/2019 19:17

My friend also sent me a screen shot of his story it said "Never give up on something you can't go a day without thinking about"
I'm feeling really uneasy. Think I may give the police a call

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 27/07/2019 19:41

As creepy as it is...a status update on fb isn't worthy of police time. You don't want to over bug them. Just keep a diary of things just incase. If you see him or he starts trying to contact you again it something, then it might be time to report it.

Pinkbonbon · 27/07/2019 19:47

Not that it isn't worrying. If I were you I would go stay elsewhere for a few weeks.

Moofreemum1 · 27/07/2019 20:04

Yea I'm at my parents tonight but after that I don't think they will let me stay any longer.

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Moofreemum1 · 27/07/2019 20:09

Also it's not the update its self it's the fact he hasn't got the message and trying to befriend my friends too. Along with all the intense long messages before. I still haven't heard about the Clare's law either and he said if there was nothing I'd normally hear alot sooner than 30 days it's almost 21 days now.

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