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Original poster

Compromising huge parts of yourself for the sake of the marriage

30 replies

FundamentallyTired · 26/07/2019 14:53

I know that all marriage is compromise, especially successful ones. I'm not expecting to not have to.

However, DH is autistic as is one dc. Neither of them can manage much in the way of holidays. We've tried different things over the years, nothing has been massively successful. The conclusion is that 2-3 nights away is the maximum either of them can manage.

Travel has always been really important to me. Before I met DH I travelled quite a bit and had big plans for my future. DH knew this when he met me, but never said anything (he was undiagnosed until this year). He wants to want to travel, if that makes sense. But can't cope in reality.

We've had a rocky period recently and we're working hard to make our marriage work. Lots of things are greatly improved. But a recent trip (UK) for 4 nights has shown that we can't do travel/holidays like I'd want. Or even close. I haven't been abroad for 12 years now. I always thought it was money, tiny DC, but realise it has never been his priority.

So now I'm faced with compromising this forever. Me going alone isn't a possibility because of childcare/annual leave needs. It feels so hard to do and I'm already feeling resentful. I don't know how to overcome this feeling of resentment.

I know that the reality of a relationship between ASD and NT is that the NT does the majority of the compromise because I can and he can't.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 26/07/2019 15:22

I know that the reality of a relationship between ASD and NT is that the NT does the majority of the compromise because I can and he can

What usually happens is that an ASD woman will tie herself up in knots masking and accommodating the workings of the wider world, to make things work in a relationship with an NT man. With an ASD man/NT woman, the opposite is true. The man will mask until he's "got her", then he'll happily be himself again. The NT woman suffers the consequences.

In each scenario, it's the woman turning herself inside out to make it work. The conclusion I've drawn is that it's not an ASD issue (not completely, anyway), it's a male entitlement issue.

Travel by yourself (or with your NT child). Don't allow his disability to ruin your life - you've done enough for him already, now it's time to have something back for yourself.

LizzieSiddal · 26/07/2019 15:53

Agree with every word Pics said.

Cambionome · 26/07/2019 16:16

Me too. Why is it so impossible to travel without him? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this?

Vesperia · 26/07/2019 16:20

travel with a friend or on your own

Original poster
FundamentallyTired · 26/07/2019 16:33

The reason it is tricky to travel alone is because if I use a week's annual leave to travel alone we then might be short in terms of covering childcare in school holidays.

I mentioned a weekend away with NT child, as I'd offered the child some alone time with one of us, his choice who. He chose me. DH was so offended/upset, even though what we are proposing to do is his nightmare (city, lots of people et).

He got very upset about this recently, and he has tried really hard to make it work. Argh. It seems a bit daft to end a marriage over.

OP posts:
TirisfalPumpkin · 26/07/2019 16:39

Pics is spot on - that’s my experience as an autistic woman through various relationships with NT men and women.

Don’t give up on the marriage yet, but he needs to work on his reaction to things. You haven’t suggested anything unreasonable. Is it the separate holiday he objects to, or the perceived unequal treatment of the children, or is he taking the child’s choice personally?

He has got to compromise in a way that he is able to (ie facilitate you getting your needs met, not travel with you) if this is going to work.

Original poster
FundamentallyTired · 27/07/2019 10:01

That's exactly how I feel, that somehow he pretended to want the same things then suddenly changed.

I'm not sure I'm confident in leaving him in charge of the kids for an extended period, even a week. I don't think he'd cope well and that would be bad for the kids, especially the NT DC.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 27/07/2019 10:07

How old are the DC?

I would use holiday childcare to make up the annual leave week.

He doesn't like it, was offended - his compromise is "to get over it" and be supportive of you getting your travelling.

billy1966 · 27/07/2019 10:25

@PicsInRed
Exactly.

Pineapplefish · 27/07/2019 10:30

Push ahead with your idea of a weekend away with the NT child, OP. Keep explaining to your DH that if he is hurt then he had the option of coming with you, but he does NOT have the right to stop you going. Then start to plan other future holidays. This is important to you, so you need to try and make it happen. Childcare / annual leave issues can surely be overcome if the alternative is misery and/or divorce.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 27/07/2019 10:36

This (probably) isn't an ASD thing, it's a male entitlement thing.

I travel loads by myself, with friends and actually with my ASD child and my husband happily facilitates this because he knows it's important to me. Same with socialising and other things that are harder for him but that I need to do. I put up with his solitary garage tinkering all weekend, because that's something he needs to do too.

I find it really worrying that you say you wouldn't trust your DH with your DCs for a week. Mothers with ASD don't get to make that kind of excuse. That's the issue you need to resolve first - he needs to step up and be able to take care of his kids.

Aussiebean · 27/07/2019 12:29

Can you choose a weeks holiday where you travel with the NT child and he arranges activities with the autistic one. That way both children get quality time with the parent that best understands them?

Then you could always swap the next time so you both get quality time with the other child.

PersonaNonGarter · 27/07/2019 12:34

I agree that the NT/ASD thing is only half the issue here. The diagnosis may have made it worse.

Of course you must travel and love it and have a wonderful time. You only have one life and if you want to spend it in busy touristy city centres you need to do that and relish it.

Be unresponsive to his upset - it is really just an attempt at control. Make your plans, even if that requires extra unpaid leave, and go.

Bookworm4 · 27/07/2019 12:37

Be supportive of him but being autistic isn’t an excuse to control your life; he’s offended etc. He’s an adult he can understand you are allowed a life as are your DC.

RandomMess · 27/07/2019 12:42

DH and I are very different I am sociable he has a geeky hobby.

He has weekends away doing his thing (he struggles with anxiety over the whole thing) I have weekends away visiting friends.

It's pretty normal to have separate trips etc!!!

category12 · 27/07/2019 12:43

He needs to get a grip and let you travel.

He also needs to be able to look after his dc - what would happen if you died or were incapacitated?

ComeOnGordon · 27/07/2019 12:59

www.theparisreview.org/blog/2019/07/16/the-crane-wife/
I found this article really interesting and was very similar to how my marriage had felt. I had lost some of who I was to be with him.
There is a certain amount of compromise in a relationship but I don’t feel it’s coming from both sides in your marriage

Heat6Headache3 · 27/07/2019 14:49

I go on holidays without my partner & so does he. We also have holidays together
I consider this the norm
We have some holidays that we share & some that we don't

There is no reason why you can't holiday with your other family, friends, children or alone

I would start with a weekend away

Heat6Headache3 · 27/07/2019 14:51

Sorry, should say we have some hobbies that we share & some that we do

I have holidays with my family, friends & hobby related

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/07/2019 15:01

Actually prioritize your needs. Actually do it. Have the weekend away. Then work up to a week. And make it happen. It will be hard. It will cost money and involve your DH working hard but it's important. You're important.

SavingSpaces2019 · 27/07/2019 15:25

he's choosing to put his own feelings above those of his child and what's best for them.
stop tolerating his selfishness.

I'm autistic, there are things that i just won't do - but i've never stopped others from going ahead and doing it without me.
i won't make others suffer or go without things that are fun for them because of how i feel.

i suggest you stand up for your son and put his wellbeing first before you waste your life away on one-sided 'compromises'.

Act10nPlan · 28/07/2019 02:03

If travel was important to you. How did you get this far into the relationship, with not much travel
It sounds like you hoped things would improve ?
What work arounds can you implement ?

breakfastpizza · 28/07/2019 02:16

@PicsInRed - Damn, you nailed it in the first comment. Saving this for future responses.

wearywife · 28/07/2019 02:42

@PicsInRed Just reading that brought a lump to my throat because what you say is true.

RubberTreePlant · 28/07/2019 05:16

What usually happens is that an ASD woman will tie herself up in knots masking and accommodating the workings of the wider world, to make things work in a relationship with an NT man. With an ASD man/NT woman, the opposite is true. The man will mask until he's "got her", then he'll happily be himself again. The NT woman suffers the consequences.

There's something in that.

OP I think you need to make solo travel work, somehow. One of my (aspie) DC hates holidays. I get it. But be a bit selfish.

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