Compromising huge parts of yourself for the sake of the marriage

[FundamentallyTired]

I know that all marriage is compromise, especially successful ones. I'm not expecting to not have to.

However, DH is autistic as is one dc. Neither of them can manage much in the way of holidays. We've tried different things over the years, nothing has been massively successful. The conclusion is that 2-3 nights away is the maximum either of them can manage.

Travel has always been really important to me. Before I met DH I travelled quite a bit and had big plans for my future. DH knew this when he met me, but never said anything (he was undiagnosed until this year). He wants to want to travel, if that makes sense. But can't cope in reality.

We've had a rocky period recently and we're working hard to make our marriage work. Lots of things are greatly improved. But a recent trip (UK) for 4 nights has shown that we can't do travel/holidays like I'd want. Or even close. I haven't been abroad for 12 years now. I always thought it was money, tiny DC, but realise it has never been his priority.

So now I'm faced with compromising this forever. Me going alone isn't a possibility because of childcare/annual leave needs. It feels so hard to do and I'm already feeling resentful. I don't know how to overcome this feeling of resentment.

I know that the reality of a relationship between ASD and NT is that the NT does the majority of the compromise because I can and he can't.

Brilliant @PicsInRed truly brilliant.

@FundamentallyTired - you have to put yourself first every so often or your marriage will end. It may end anyway, but you have to try to find yourself from within the melee first imo

He will always prioritise his needs over yours, you need to challenge him on that. You can accommodate his needs without pandering to them.

Compromise is a two way street and you both need to acknowledge that, him in accepting that he can’t always have it his own way and you, in accepting that you need to prioritise your needs.

It is very worrying that you feel you can't leave your child/children with him for any length of time. However, I like a PP's idea of going away for a weekend, whether it's with a friend, on your own or with one of your children and then building up the days over time so that everyone can get used to it.

If you did split up with him, would he be able to have the kids at his house for any time at all?

@PicsInRed I relate to everything you wrote SO SO much!!

Thanks for responses. The reason it's gone on so long is because to begin with we bought a house, so I put it down to lack of money. But in more recent years I've realised it's not a priority for him. So he spends the money on other things.

I'm going to talk to him about it.