I need advice, one scared lonely mum to be

[T0013412]

Hi ladies, I am really struggling at the minute. I am 10 weeks pregnant with my first baby and I am so so so excited for the arrival of my little one however at the minute it seems my life is up in the air. The babies dad and I were only seeing each other for around 5/6 weeks when I found out I was pregnant which obviously is a less then ideal situation. Further to that, he and his ex only separated in the new year after 5 years of being together and he is still hurting about the whole situation. Over the last few weeks we have really been making a go of things and I thought we were on track, we were handling the situation and we’re going to see how things go. Now he has decided that he needs time to get his head around the situation and he isn’t ready for a relationship 🙁 I don’t want to talk to my friends/family about the situation because obviously he is going to be a permanent fixture in my life regardless of the situation between us and I don’t want to cloud there judgement of him. I have been really moody and obviously getting upset about the situation this last week and he has said that that is pushing him further away. I feel completely lost at the minute, I am currently living with my parents (no environment for a baby) however we were supposed to sign the contract for a house tomorrow (we decided that what ever happens between the two of us at least both parents would have equal time with baba) now he has said he needs time to think about it. I feel so so lost. I fully understand he will not be over the situation with his ex a 5 year relationship is a hard thing to mourn having been there myself, however I feel like I’m being selfish by asking him for commitment now we are having a baby, is this to much considering we have only been going out for 3 months 😩 should I just give him time and see what happens? I should include I overthink every situation anyway and suffer anxiety and panic attacks as it is. Thank you for your help in advance, any advice is massively appreciated xx

God, what a thing to say!? Yes, it’s not ideal but if she wanted a termination at all she would have said?!
The only real thing to do is plan alone, figure out what benefits you may be entitled to and save for when the baby comes. I really wish you all the best xxx

@TheStuffedPenguin I do hope that if you are lucky enough to have a daughter than nobody speaks to her the way you just spoke to OP when she is clearly asking for support.

OP, can you afford this on your own/what are the options if it turns ok he isn't going to be as involved as you thought?

Out*

Well I think it's harsh telling someone to have a termination. Rather, OP assume you will be bringing up your child with little to no input from him (because that is the worst case scenario, assuming he's not abusive in any way) and plan accordingly. If the idea of bringing up a child alone is an absolute no-no, then you have your answer. But if you still want and are excited at the idea of having this baby even if you end up going it alone then you have your answer too.

As a separate issue I'd say yes, give him space, it is FAR too early to be buying a house or renting a house with someone you barely know, you will need to progress things slowly and get to know one another, give him space to get over his ex or you will always feel insecure and he'll always feel he was hurried and guilted into being with you, which is shit all round and no-one needs that. Putting pressure on a new relationship will just make it fold instantly, and the baby thing is pressure enough. Occupy yourself and get on with your life, don't rely on him and see how things pan out.

You will be a lone parent. That’s the unpalatable truth. You can hope that he will provide financial support but that is not a guarantee either.

Being a single mum is tough. It's so, so hard. One thing I will say is that it may have actually been easier for me to do it in your situation, than in mine. I was with my ex for years and he was abusive towards me. I now live in fear and am being dragged through the courts. Thankfully they are protecting me.

You can do this, whatever happens and your baby can have a lovely life. If you don't want a termination then don't even consider it.

You WILL be ok.

My point being, even in the most awful situations in life, you rarely regret your kids.

I think you need to plan for this baby as a lone parent. Is that something you could do? Is it something that you want?

You can't rely on him for anything. You will be a single mum and you need to decide if that is something you are prepared for. If it is then fine but the man and the baby is not going to happen

Hi all,

Thank you for you advice. Termination is not something I am considering or have ever considered I understand some people would go down this route but it isn't for me.

In terms of finances I am in a position I can support myself; simply living with my parents as I'm only 25 and never had the need to live alone until now. I have a good job and have savings to support me when on maternity leave etc. So fortunately nope I won't be dependant on benefits 🙂 you should never assume.

When it comes to the baby, I do believe he will be involved both physically and financially I am quite certain of that and both his parents have reassured me that I have their support and they will help all they can.

I've managed to calm down a little now spoken to my best friend and talked through the situation and have come to the decision just to allow him time, it's been an intense time for both of us and not being entirely comfortable with each other has only added to the drama. I would rather keep the situation amicable for babas sake then grow to hate each other because of the pressure that comes with a house and relationship. We have time and we don't have to have all the answers straight away!

Thank you all for your constructive comments honestly you have help level out my chaotic head! Xxxxxx

You need to prepare and plan for being a single parent and give him some time and space. You may feel he is not the one for you anyway...

Perhaps you can stay with your parents to help you with baby and then continue to save for a place of your own? Its hard being a single mum but not impossible! Sometimes its easier than being in a relationship with little help!

You can have maternity leave and return to work perhaps you have a job where you can work flexibly? Good luck

He may not "Want" a baby or a relationship but he will be responsible for child maintenance regardless. As soon as the baby is born file for child support.
Don't expect that the baby will bring him back to you. Babies do not cement bad relationships -- they put stresses on even good relationships.

I'll be blunt - you sound really excited about the prospect of becoming a mum (and that's great). However, the bloke you've been seeing for 3mth has now shit himself about becoming an impromptu father and clearly as much as he's made some socially required appropriate noises about being there, he probably won't be. His family will likely offer support but he doesn't sound very interested tbh. He'll pay the amount CSA force him to, and he may want to play daddy at times, but I doubt you have loads of time to figure this out. You don't even know each other, you've barely even dated. It's fuck all to do with his ex relationship so please don't fool yourself it is. Yes, maybe you'll 'make a go of it together', but I've a feeling you've more chance of winning the lottery. I speak as a parent who was in a young relationship for 4yrs not less than 4mth, and it was all too much for him to handle when a pregnancy happened. I know of one couple who made a similar situation to work like your own, and they've both been bloody miserable since as they have nothing in common past their child. If it does work out then that's wonderful, but realistically the odds are against you.

If you want the baby keep the baby

But do it on the premise that you are and will be a single mum with zero help from the dad

Because imo that's what's going to happen

If that sounds doable for you then great, keep the baby and tell your family and friends and get all the support you can

Plus you need to genuinely take into account that by the time baby is born he may well be in a settled relationship with someone new, or even potentially have got back together with his ex partner. So it'll unlikely be just him if he is involved in the baby's life in the future. I'm not saying that to be nasty, it's just something you really need to consider.

OP I think you really need to listen to what HE is telling you and not his parents. They might be saying they will help out now but that can all change. He is telling you he doesn’t want this so please don’t believe otherwise. You will save yourself a lot of heart ache if you go into this knowing you are going to be a single mom without any help from him. Make your decisions based on you, the baby and your family. Take care.

Congratulations op

I am glad you have savings to take money worked out

I would be moody and upset in your situation but if you can leave him be Defno for the best for future parenting

He may be around he may not , plan for the worst surround yourself with family .

I am not a single parent and I find it tough some days if you can tap up a few friends to come stay with you for a few days in the first 2 months space it out even if it’s just to hang out be another voice of reason, cook a dinner or change the babies nappy and hold bubba while you nap 💤 if you have anyone that can do that it will help the initial
Stages.

I would never tell someone they should have a child because it’s bloody hard work but I am already thinking of
Number 2 because it
Just incredible To watch them grow , it’s the best thing I have done x

It's crazy to try to fast-forward the relationship into living together etc only because you're pregnant. It might seem the thing to do, but he's running scared, and you should be too, op. You don't know each other well enough.

Separate the two things out - 1. you are having a baby, 2. you have a fledgling relationship with this man.

So, the answer to 1, is: Sort out housing independently. Assume you're a single mum. You don't want to get stuck with a berk just because he happened to knock you up.

And 2: Date the guy, get to know him. If it works between you, great, eventually move in together but on a much slower timescale.

Can I ask very kindly OP why you would not consider a termination. I realise irs your body so your choice, but you also have to factor in that your "boyfriend" will now be in your life for evermore, especially if you pursue him for maintenance.

It always surprises me when I read threads from women who are pregnant early on in a relationship or in a bad relationship who seem to think that giving birth is the only option.

You are 25. You have another 20 years in child bearing terms. Your body (when not pregnant) gives you the opportunity to get pregnant every month. That 12 times a year for the next 20 years. Almost 250 times. It's not as if you dont have another chance - this time with someone you know fully & who actually wants to raise a child with you.

I'm not trying to be judgy. I just dont know why it's so important that you have THIS child.

I've reported you @TheStuffedPenguin

and have you also reported hadthesnip2 who has said exactly the same thing ? There is nothing wrong with suggesting a termination and as I said if it were my daughter I would be urging her to do the same .

OK ADMIN I have just noticed your deletion of my comments . Can you please explain why termination is a taboo subject ?