Fuckity fuck fuck

[Faulksonline]

DP & I have been together for 13 years, two children & a mortgage. He loves me & im pretty sure I don't love him. I did love him, but somewhere along the line I fell out of love. I like him, I care for him & I want him to be happy. I just don't want to be responsible for his happiness & I don't know what to do.

I feel like the person in my head is different to the person living my life. I don't want to hurt anyone, least of all my happy & very much loved & adored children.

I don't know what I'm looking for really, just needed to say it out loud (kind of).

Is there something in particular that caused the shift in your feelings towards him?

Posted very similar myself down below. 13 years together, 2dcs and all.
Sitting here having a very pleasant evening with my husband who I am sure I’m not in love with anymore 🤦🏼‍♀️
You’re not the only one in this position but I can’t offer any advice as I don’t want to break anyone’s hearts either

No sudden change, just a slow realisation that this isn't what I want. He's a lovely person, & we generally get on, but I know for sure I don't want to grow old with him.

Imakitchensink - solidarity sister, it's a weird place to be.

Is it because you forgot who you are? And that you’re expecting your OH to ‘define’ you?

When we first fall in love, we ARE in love with that person, we sort of live for and through what we project love should be.
A beer belly and two dresses up later, we turn around and it’s all a bit meh.

It is impossible to stay ‘in love’ with someone over a long period. You have to decide whether you can find the next phase of your marriage. If not, you will divorce which will damage your kids and make both of you significantly worse off financially.

Only you can decide which to do. Be very careful though as the grass isn’t always greener!

Yeah, maybe seasidepebble. And maybe it's being nearly 40, maybe it's that niggle that's always been there, maybe it's looking at him in 20 years time. Eurgh, I can feel the self pity seeping into my bones, and I don't like it.

I'm not in the least bit religious but i was at a communion once where the priest was talking about a similar situation- husband had fallen out of love with his wife.

The priest said something along the lines of ' love is a verb, not a feeling. You should love your partner through actions - kindness, taking care of them' etc. I thought it was s really good lesson.

TBH, I think I fall a bit in and out of love with DH (married 12 years). There are periods where I feel flat and not very loved up, and then it comes back again.

I read a very good quote once about trying to avoid love being about making the other person happy or the other person being responsible for making you happy - thinking about that has helped me through difficult patches when I feel a bit 'He's not making me happy'.

It is a tough one - can you find some space to get counselling perhaps and unpack your feelings a bit more?

I agree aquamarine1. How you show you care means more than the words you use. DP tells me I look good & he loves me every day. He follows my round talking about his day & trying to get a squeeze.

Every week I pay for the family shop, every day I get up an hour earlier & sort the kids, every weekend I get up with the kids. Every month I put petrol in the car. I have redecorated the house. I make sure the car is legal. I drive us every where (tbf DP passes his driving test at my request pending our 2nd child, I guess he agreed to passing his test, not actually driving anywhere). It hilarious in my house how many things I forget to do. I work full time in a job that pays more & is absolutely more stressful. DP is slowly catching up in the salary, but this is not reflected in spends.

I just can't be arsed any more.

So what would you like to do?
What would you like him to do?

That's great advice echobelly, I'll try and remember it.

And thank you to everyone who has given their thoughts, advice & time, very much appreciated X

I don't want to be responsible for anyone but my children. I don't want to lose my home & I don't want to be poorer than I am. On another day, I want us to stay together, re-ignite that happy vibe & enjoy life together. We have a laugh & he's loyal & thoughtful & kind.

Hi OP, I ended my 17 year relationship (with dc) 2 years ago. I was not in love with him anymore but he was also very difficult to live with, so slightly different. I do however think life is short, and you (and your DH) deserve to be happy. How do you think you will feel if you stay together but then find yourself in a situation where your kids have left home, you're much older and its just you and him? The older you are, the harder it is.

OP please reread your post at 21:17 because I think that really does sum up your issues

1. His way of showing you he cares is to grope and pester you when you are trying to get things done

2. You have to get things done because if you dont no one does

3. its always seen as funny and your fault when something doesnt get done rather than being a supportive partnership where he supports and compliments you

4. You earn more and spend less

5. In essence he does nothing to support or help you and yet expects you to listen to him and service his needs. He is another responsibility you could do without because that is all he is a responsibilitu that gives nothing back to you anymore. Other than pointing out your faults when you forget stuff that is a joint responsibility

OP, I had a husband for many years, who was helpless. That’s not how he was when I married him. He sort of ‘fell’ into a comfortable helplesness, because I was there to pick up his slack.

This evening I put the washing machine on, took the tablets out and realised I had one left. As I was doing that, DP glanced in my direction and then went to the gym. On his way to/back (no idea) he picked up a box of dishwasher tablets.

Before, I would have asked exH to grab some, he worked part time, I was the bigger earner, therefore full time. Then texted him to remind him. Then just do it myself, because he couldn’t be arsed.

Now I live with a grown up.

Sorry, I put the dishwasher on, not the washing machine.

One of my fears, crappydays2018, is that the kids will leave home and there will be nothing left. I don't want to be that person. In real life I'm fun, no one outside of our home would recognise the person I am at home.

I just want to clear a couple of things up - DP does help out at home, he does day to day tidying & a couple of specific other jobs, but he in no way does the bulk of the housework or sees what needs to be done.

I do feel groped & pestered but I believe it's part affection & part response to feeling me distance myself.

We split child care & house bills 50:50, it's the food cleaning, clothes, shoes etc that feels in even.

I do feel like im carrying him. He never encourages change, and I always expect a negative response to anything I suggest.

I told him years ago, I didn't want to be the next dmil & dfil, when I look at him I see dfil.

Your second post was more detailed than your first and makes things far clearer. He sounds irritating. Have you spoken about it?

Oh OP it still stands though you are trying to make him sound better but you dont - you should never feel groped and pestered. He still earns less but spends more and you are still carrying him.

In all honesty I can see why you have fallen out of love because what does he do for you

Its ok for you to leave

Things have gone a bit stale. It’s normal. Sad but that’s the way it is.

We have spoken in the past about the unevenness & how it will slowly eat away at us. I honestly don't think he really sees it though. Since having DC2, there is so much more to do & he has stepped up his game, it's just not enough.

Quartz2208 - I hear you, thank you X

My exH started off as the love of my life. It was when he suggested I work part time if I couldnt handle the house and garden on my own that I realised he was a lazy useless manchild who just wanted a maid that I decided I didn't love him anymore and when he did nothing for my 50th birthday, it was just like any other day.
I am now living in my lovely home and he is being the oldest swinger in town in a bedsit in a horrible area. Good riddance.

Been there op. My exh was ok. He didn't cheat, didn't abuse me, but everything fell to me. He worked shifts and I worked around his shifts and his sleep. He had to have 9 hours sleep. I took dcs to work many times because he needed 3 hours to 'wake up' after a night shift.

Eventually enough was enough. (There was other stuff too) but I was just so tired of everything being my responsibility with minimal, grudging support. It's still all my responsibility but at least we're not pretending to be a team and I can move on with my life.
It's been a year now and I can honestly say, I've never been happier.

That is a nice phrase @aquamarine1

I could've written your post a few years ago.

I felt the same about my dp. I felt numb and like I was living a lie.

I left him when I had a 3 year old. I have been with someone since who turned out to be an abusive arsehole. But still I have no regrets. Even though he is happy with someone else and I am on my own. I am genuinely happy for him - we weren't right for each other and never will be

I'd genuinely rather be alone than with the wrong person.

And our daughter is fine and very happy too.