Fuckity fuck fuck

[Faulksonline]

DP & I have been together for 13 years, two children & a mortgage. He loves me & im pretty sure I don't love him. I did love him, but somewhere along the line I fell out of love. I like him, I care for him & I want him to be happy. I just don't want to be responsible for his happiness & I don't know what to do.

I feel like the person in my head is different to the person living my life. I don't want to hurt anyone, least of all my happy & very much loved & adored children.

I don't know what I'm looking for really, just needed to say it out loud (kind of).

That is a good lesson, I like that!

Hi OP. I have been through this. About 7 years onto our marriage (12 years being together).

I was holding a lot of resentment that Everything fell to me with regards responsibility when we had our child.

Also dh had a pretty traumatic job dealing with perpetrators of domestic violence against women.

I was ready to leave. I felt I didn't love him and there just had to be more to life than my fucking humdrum every day the same. Me doing everything, dh coming home miserable.

I felt like I didn't love him and I had to get out. I felt suffocated and depressed. I didn't care about anything except our child.

It reflected in my life with friends and family and I went through a really, really shitty phase.

We did 'split up' but had to live in the same house. Luckily separate rooms and child was only around 4 at the time so no inkling. We were still nice to each other, but I felt like there must have been someone out there better for him and I wanted him to be happy. Because ultimately, he was a good, kind, hardworking person.

He begged me to go for counselling and we did. For 2 sessions. I felt the marriage was done and he carried on with the counselling.

Over time, he realise how much his job affected him, but had zero support. He realised he had detached from family life.

Readers, we are still together, 17 years later and are very very happy now.

If you feel there is still something there, maybe it's worth exploring counselling before you make any rash decisions.

This is just my experience, but in my head, we were done. In his we weren't and luckily it worked out for the best.

Maybe worth a try?

It is impossible to stay ‘in love’ with someone over a long period.
How is that a fact? I am still in love with DH after 30+ years.

You need him to take more responsibility. You've lost respect for him because he's too reliant on you.

Tell him this. Give him a chance to change.

Who do you see yourself with in 20 years?

I think plenty of people still feel in love after long marriages.

The main thing is, you're not happy. There's more to life than staying in an unhappy marriage because he's kind. You don't have to be in a relationship at all. Being by yourself in a home where you don't feel responsible for another fully grown adult, might be the happiness you need.

I could have written your post.

I care for DH. He is kind and says the right things but he apart from work and very light housework he doesn't do anything. I feel there is no get up and go in him and if left to him, we will be exactly the same in twenty years time. DH is afraid to take risks. Move to a nicer area - all sorts of delay tactics are put up. Do up the house - all sorts of reasons why we shouldn't. Go out for the day - it might rain. The constant negativity and lack of energy and more crucially the lack of wanting to do different things is mentally draining. He is a good father (mostly). When he is away, I feel calmer and even though I am doing absolutely everything as I am the only one here, it doesn't feel like it. It feels lighter.

It is impossible to stay ‘in love’ with someone over a long period

No it isn't. I'm still in love with mine after 34 years

OP, if you can sometimes have thoughts of being together in the distant future and enjoying it, it sounds like you think it may be worth working on, but have got dragged down by the constant responsibility imbalance. I'm familiar with this, and the resentment which creeps up over time through not being an appreciated equal.
Could you go to MC and thrash it out there? A good one will be able to reframe your issues in a way that DH will understamd, and its coming from an uninvolved outsider so he will be more likely to take it onboard. If he wants to move forward, he'll make the effort to change his ways. If he foesnt, well, youve given it every chance without giving up more of yourself.

When was the last time you went on a proper holiday together, saw something new, and right out of the usual routine rut?

Makes one hell of a difference I can tell you!

I remember the movie when harry met sally, at the end there were all these old couples talking about the secret to their long marriages. One woman said “we never fell out of love with each other at the same time”. It’s normal for feelings to wax and wane. Marriage reaches a point where it’s a choice. Seek counseling, for yourself and your husband. If you are not resentful of him it’s salvageable.

Thanks all, for replying. A conversation needs to be had, I just need to pluck up the courage. 💕 to those who are in the same boat. Thank you for sharing X

Good luck OP. I think we are having a similar conversation Sunday. I'm dreading it. Absolutely dreading it.

I've been there OP. He wasn't a bad person but he was more like my child than a partner. I knew for a long time that I didn't love him anymore but tried to ignore it and just put up with it because it wasn't bad enough.

Ultimately I couldn't just keep going and was getting more and more fed up and unhappy. I ended things at the end of last year. Was so relieved tbh.