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Original poster

Help! Crush/in love with inappropriate person

32 replies

ImaginaryGnome · 25/07/2019 14:19

I am a (generally happily) married woman with DC, a good career and loving friends/family. However, one of my closest friends is male and I have developed really intense feelings for him to the point that I think about him and being with him all the time.

There is absolutely no way anything would ever happen and I am in no doubt that he does not reciprocate these romantic/sexual feelings for me but I cannot squash these feelings and it is driving me mad.

Can anybody help or give me any advice?

OP posts:
CountFosco · 25/07/2019 14:20

Are you in your mid 40s? If so it's the perimenopause.

FuriousVexation · 25/07/2019 14:20

Do you think your DH would consider opening the marriage and either you bang the friend or you propose a threesome?

Original poster
ImaginaryGnome · 25/07/2019 14:21

P.S. I am well aware that I sound like a pre-pubescent teenager with a crush and I really should know better Blush

OP posts:
ZigZaggyZoo · 25/07/2019 14:22

De-friend him until you're over it. If you want to save your marriage that is.

EAIOU · 25/07/2019 14:22

If you spend a lot of time together, maybe that's why but if you're thinking about someone else in this way, things cant be all that rosy.

Could you work opposite to him or is it just a recent fancy?

Maybe spend a bit more quality time with hubby and see if that impacts on how you're feeling!

EAIOU · 25/07/2019 14:23

Ignore the work bit! Thought it was work colleague.

KOKOtiltomorrow · 25/07/2019 14:24

Sorry but I think u need to cut contact or your marriage will suffer. What is lacking that you feel this way? It’s okay to find other people attractive (there’s a guy at my gym that I really fancy but it’s just that) but fantasising about being with him all the time is not on. Try to work out what need he is fulfilling in you then take more positive steps to address it.

Hillaria · 25/07/2019 14:25

How do you feel about your husband? Do you still fancy him? Does the idea of spending "more quality time" with him make you feel sick, or does it sound like a nice idea?

Pinkbonbon · 25/07/2019 14:25

Might be time to start putting a bit of distance between you and this friend.

You say he is one of your closest friends, is it a longterm friendship or has he just come into your life in recent years? Just because if it's the later, it may be that he knows you like him and has gotten so close to you because he enjoys the ego massage. I mean, he could be oblivious but...

Original poster
ImaginaryGnome · 25/07/2019 14:25

@CountFosco No, late 30s Hmm

@FuriousVexation DH would be heartbroken if he knew I was feeling like this about anybody else & trust me, I wish I wasn't! Again, friend definitely isn't interested in me like that, we are just incredibly similar people so have a brilliant friendship.

OP posts:
Original poster
ImaginaryGnome · 25/07/2019 14:35

@ZigZaggyZoo & @KOKOtiltomorrow I know that would be my advice also but that prospect just breaks my heart and not sure I've got the strength

@EAIOU I don't work with him no and he isn't recent recent but known him about ten years and have become really close in the last 5 years.

For the record, when I say close it isn't a hugely emotional friendship - more we have an awful lot in common & share the same sense of humour etc - people comment that we are like twins.

I feel guilty placing any "blame" on my husband as he really is a fantastic person but he isn't the most affectionate person & has a very high powered stressful job so is often very stressed & our sex life has dwindled to nothing really. I sometimes feel we live more as friends than lovers but our relationship is good in every other way. I do see myself growing old with him.

OP posts:
Ellapaella · 25/07/2019 14:39

Do you really need us to tell you what to do? What are you hoping to get out of this thread? No one is likely to say go ahead and have the affair and don't feel guilty...

Original poster
ImaginaryGnome · 25/07/2019 14:40

@Hillaria No, if I'm 100% honest I don't really fancy him anymore but I have a huge amount of love and respect for him and I find his personality traits attractive.....

@Pinkbonbon I can understand you thinking he could be using me as an ego boost but he honestly won't have any idea that I feel this way and I think he would be mortified if I ever told him or he found out! He definitely does not feel the same!

OP posts:
Constance1234 · 25/07/2019 14:41

Are you in your mid 40s? If so it's the perimenopause
How so @CountFosco ? Genuinely curious!

Original poster
ImaginaryGnome · 25/07/2019 14:44

@Ellapaella I really don't know, I guess it is to finally vent somewhere as I've noone I could say this to in real life. There is absolutely no chance of an affair - I just wondered whether anybody had any thoughts that I haven't had myself. I even wondered about some counselling but I doubt there would be much they could say that you guys aren't saying here

OP posts:
CursedDiamond · 25/07/2019 14:46

What you’re saying about your relationship...that’s the cure. Talk to your husband and repair what you are missing (and seeking, in one way or another, elsewhere).

CursedDiamond · 25/07/2019 14:47

Also, I had counselling. It really helped - saying everything out loud to someone was much more profound than discussing on here.

Ellapaella · 25/07/2019 14:50

You still love your husband, focus on that. What you are missing is the 'lust' feeling that you had in the early days. Everyone wants to feel desired and attractive, it's human nature. Don't punish yourself for wanting a bit of excitement, we all do, it's normal. But you won't get what you want from having an affair, people will get hurt and lives ripped apart, you know that really. Focus on what you can do in your marriage to spark a bit of desire again - that's where to start. Counselling might help.

Hillaria · 25/07/2019 14:56

ImaginaryGnome, I thought my friend had absolutely no romantic interest in me. In fact, I'd have bet a million pounds that he didn't (very similar situation to yours, including length of friendship). But it turned out he did.

Your situation, though, is more complicated than mine was, in that your husband hasn't done anything offensive (mine had, in spades). All I can say is that there is absolutely no right or happy answer to this one. The best thing that can happen is that it runs its course, you don't slither into anything beyond friendship, and you carry on being friends with this man. Long marriages aren't easy, but this may just be a phase which you will get through. Cutting your friend out of your life would be horribly painful, and I wouldn't have been able to do it either. Though affairs are also horribly painful for the person who isn't having one. As are close friendships.

I really don't envy you this one. Flowers

Wellandtrulyoutnumbered · 25/07/2019 14:58

It's a shock when you think you are happily in a relationship and realise you fancy or have feelings for someone else.

I don't see you looking for an affair. More an understanding of how these feelings have been able to develop.

Look at your marriage and what it isn't giving you. That's my advice.

Original poster
ImaginaryGnome · 25/07/2019 15:17

@CursedDiamond Thank you for sharing about your counselling, I think it is something I will have to consider.

Thank you all for being kind.... an affair is definitely not what I'm looking for - I'm just getting so sick of feeling like this & want to keep enjoying a great friendship & mainly great marriage without these stupid intrusive thoughts & fantasies!

@Hillaria He definitely doesn't harbour secret feelings - he's much better looking than me & has a lot of female attention so doesn't need to get that from me! He doesn't treat me any differently to his male friends, we just have very very similar personalities! I'm sorry to hear that your husband hadn't acted well - I know how lucky I am with mine, I often feel like I don't deserve him!

Everybody saying that I need to speak to him about what we are missing from our marriage is totally right.... it will just be a very difficult awkward conversation. As an aside, for various reasons (his work, some health reasons on my part) our sex life really is pretty non existent - can you really get that side of things back on track?!

OP posts:
LineDried · 25/07/2019 15:43

Gnome

I am a few years older than you and, I currently have a bit of a crush on a friend's husband. I know, I know... I'd be mortified if either of them realised. He and I have a lot in common and he 'appeals' to me on a number of levels. I get on with both of them really well.

Would I want to be in a relationship with him? No, I wouldn't. He and his wife love each other; the fallout socially would be enormous and there are children involved. But I have a crush nevertheless.

So I just have to deal with it. And you need to do the same.

In your shoes, I think I would reduce (but not cut) contact and put that emotional/sexual energy into your relationship with your husband.

And don't harbour any fantasy What If...?s I allow myself to enjoy the fantasies but without any desire/intention/hope for them to become reality.

It's pointless at best and could destroy lives at worst.

RLEOM · 25/07/2019 17:40

Please keep your distance from your male friend. I've had an ex getting with his best friend and it left me broken. You put trust in your partner, you welcome their friend into your life... then it turns out they're both trying to get with each other right in front of your very own eyes. Humiliating, hurtful, vile and down right disrespectful.

Don't let it go that far.

waterrat · 25/07/2019 18:33

Op I think that firstly....crushes are normal...and secondly ..it's really important to look at what they represent to you. This has gone beyond a little bit of a light crush.

Personally I hear some alarm bells for your marriage in what you are saying..you don't fancy your husband and you don't have sex.

Are you suggesting staying in that sort of romance free relationship forever??

The crush is a warning bell from the part of yourself that you are trying to bury.....

Either you sort your marriage out or ...you are going to live many frustrated years.. or you will end up cheating

Original poster
ImaginaryGnome · 25/07/2019 19:38

Oh @RLEOM I'm so sorry, that's awful Flowers

I think you have hit the nail right on the head @LineDried - in reality I don't think I would ever want anything to happen even if he did. The thoughts don't stop though!

@waterrat I have been with my husband for almost 13 years & we have 2 DC together - I think we have papered over many cracks & you are right that there are some alarm bells ringing that I need to address with DH.

Thank you so much to everybody for taking the time to respond - it has helped to vent a little & get some outside perspectives Smile

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