Friends with mums at school

[Parent999]

Been split from ex for over 4 years, we have a daughter who is nearly 6. I have a joint residence court order.
Two and half years ago I met my current partner and we have just moved in together with my daughter my partners' three children.

So heres the problem, over the last year Ive made friends with some mums at the school gates. Theyve been very kind to me and helped a lot with informing me of school events etc since the ex refuses to co-parent. My partner is very unhappy about this, she's worried they are simply spying for my ex but I think she is jealous because they are attractive. They are both married and Im friends with their husbands too.
I wouldnt normally care too much but the school arent the best at informing me of things and Ive also heard through someone else that they stood up for me when the ex got the claws out at one of the 3,000 birthday parties we have to attend a year.

I also dont have many friends, if any, I simply dont have the time anymore so its nice to have a chat with someone outside of work about what our kids will eat for breakfast and what illness is doing the rounds at school.
Ive already ghosted a childhood female friend because my partner didnt like it.
Any ideas what to do? its still quite early in our relationship and I dont want this to become a precedent , on the other hand my partner has been incredibly loyal, should I respect her wishes?

WTF - you ghosted a childhood friend!! No way would I do that for a partner. I have loads of friends of the opposite sex. Tell your partner to stop trying to control you and make contact with your old friend. Hopefully they will forgive you.

Fair enough, the childhood friend has been on/off contact for 30 years. Weve gone years without speaking before. Admittedly, before I met my current partner my childhood friend and I tried to have a romantic relationship but I just couldnt muster the feelings for her like that. Im pretty sure she felt the same and we both got new partners. My current partner knows this. Im far more concerned with the friends at school, this is important to me because Ive never, ever been late for school or not turned up to school event. These Mums have helped me achieve that for my daughter.

Ive already ghosted a childhood female friend because my partner didnt like it
Stop ghosting friends.

Your partner sounds very controlling.
Does she realise this?
Because it's not OK!
You can be friends with who ever you want.
She should not be dictating who you can and can't be friends with.
Do you tell her who she can have as friends?
Is she controlling in other ways?

I also dont have many friends, if any, I simply dont have the time anymore
Why don't you have time?
You should always put a little of time aside for friends and family.
There are 2 of you to parent so make sure you both get some free time.
Does she have free time? Hobbies?

Shes not controlling at all, [apart from this] neither am I. We are equal partners in work and parenting. I know her ex was very abusive and consistently cheated on her. She even caught him once so I can completely understand its a sensitive subject for her. I guess Im really asking how to approach it with her. How do you say no Im not going to do what you want and still keep things happy.

First off:
Theyve been very kind to me and helped a lot with informing me of school events etc since the ex refuses to co-parent.
Why do you need women to inform you?
Ask the school to include you in notifications.
2: You say its still quite early in our relationship yet you also say Two and half years ago I met my current partner and we have just moved in together with my daughter my partners' three children.

Take some responsibility for yourself, it would drive me mad if my partner was outsourcing 'women's work' to random mothers at the school gate.

I’m sorry but this is how abusive behaviour starts - isolation of your support network.

Unless your friends are serial killers no partner should EVER dictate your friendships.

Id be having a blunt conversation about this very quickly.

It's normal to have school gate friends. Why shouldn't you? I have school mum and dad friends and we do help each other out and Facebook or what's app about school stuff.

Your partner needs to trust you. She can't control you just because her ex was unreliable.

@howyiz
I dont want to derail this post as I need to do something about it but.......

Ive tried and tried and tried with the school, even got legal involved, but they follow the path of least resistance and my ex is far scarier than I am.
The problem is notices that go home on the ex's days are never seen, the school are rubbish at keeping a copy for me. On my days I sign it to say Ive seen it and send it back so the ex can see it but she wont reciprocate so the mums whatsapp the leaflets etc to me.

Ive had three relationships in adulthood, two of them have been more than ten years, so two and half years feels like early.

Agree with otterhound.

You've already said you have a very small group of friends and your partner is 'worried' about these other parents at the school. She's using your exp as an excuse saying they are spying for her as a cover for her own insecurity.

Sit her down and politely tell her there is nothing going on. They are just other parents at the gates nothing more. You are going to keep chatting to them as you wouldnt expect her to ditch friends and this is no different. If she doesn't take this on board then perhaps moving in was not the best idea for your family.

Did you cut contact with your childhood friend before she moved in? Expecting you now to cut contact with the mothers at the school gates could easily be seen as an escalation of controlling & isolating behaviour.
Certainly she isn't controlling, apart from the controlling bits she does.
She is asking to cut these women (and their husbands) out of your life simply because they are women. From what you've said they're exactly the same to you as many other mothers were to me when my own DCs were school age, particularly at primary school age. They're the "familiar strangers" that we all have in life, they're part of the network that undoubtedly makes life for all involved that little bit easier & can't actually be provided by people who aren't also parents at your child's school.
Which option is best for you & your DC - ending contact with the other parents or continuing with it? Your current partner may never be able to adjust her view on this and this could have long-running repercussions for your daughter.
Would you consider it reasonable to tell your DP, for any reason, that you didn't want her to talk to or be in any contact with the other school gate parents at her DC's school? Would she agree to it?
You may have jumped the gun in moving in together at this point & might benefit from reassessing the situation.

Your partner trying to isolate you from your friends is not ok. It's controlling and manipulative and it’s her problem to sort out. Not yours.

Yeah I cut contact with friend about 6 months into the relationship. Im still friends with her on facebook and its nice to see she is happy and settled with her man and kids but I dont engage in anything.
Anyway Ive got two more years at this school, I cant exactly hide around the corner avoiding the mums so my partners going to have to get used to it. Thats a given, I just cant work out how, I did try but got frustrated and ended up defensively telling her I dont have to explain myself Ive done nothing wrong, that didnt help cos joins in.

If theres one thing Ive learned its this, when a woman screams "do what you want I dont care" then DO NOT DO WHAT YOU WANT, do the opposite.

Honestly? Providing you've given new girlfriend no good reasons to suspect you would be unfaithful she is being completely unreasonable to expect you to basically not have female, particularly attractive female, friends.

It's also none of her business how you manage your relationship with your ex (again providing you're not sleeping with her)

Far too possessive and controlling from sounds of things - dump!

OP, you are in an unhealthy relationship.

It really is that simple.

People in healthy relationships do not dictate whom their partners can speak to.

You are enabling your partner if you allow her to do this.

You need to spell it out for her.

Also, you have moved in together far to early in the relationship when you have such a big elephant in the room.

Looking into your future doesn't look great if you don't stand your ground now.

You should be able to say your piece and be heard.

If not, your relationship most likely will escalate into an abusive one.

Your partner cannot be allowed to bring her issues of infidelity into her relationship with you and foist her fears onto you.

This is not fair.
You are not her Ex.

She either trusts you or she doesn't.
That is the question you need to ask her. No buts or what's.

she's always going to control your interactions/relationships with women.
She's always going to use her ex's behaviour as an excuse to justify her controlling abusive ways.

You've never learnt to stand up to abusive women - your ex.
You chose a path that skirts around the issue to avoid dealing with it.
Now yet again, you're making the same choice.

6 months into your relationship she started showing you her true colours - and you ignored it.
So now she knows she CAN manipulate you, she's upped her game by effectively trying to 'ban' from taking to any women.

Ive already ghosted a childhood female friend because my partner didn’t like it.

I can’t believe you would do that. An you not see how awful that is?

I feel like you’ve gone from one abusive relationship to the next. But because she isn’t as abusive you see it as not that bad.

It feels a bit silly having to point out to someone that no, it’s not ok for your partner to tell you who you can and can’t be friends with.

this is important to me because Ive never, ever been late for school or not turned up to school event. These Mums have helped me achieve that for my daughter.

I don't understand why you're not able to do this on your own like other parents. Are you saying you need them to get your child to school on time? How odd.

I think the only thing you can do is consistently but firmly tell her over and over again, whenever she brings this up- you aren't cutting ties with any friends but you're here with happily with her.

And perhaps advice her to seek counselling to deal with her insecurities and trust issues. Because all she is gonna do is push you closer and closer to the front door.

@brassbrass
there are many many school activities in which a costume, homemade mask, wellies are needed. The school tells parents by putting leaflets in the book bag but if the ex gets it and it relates to my days she doesn’t tell me. I’ve asked the school but they are so disjointed that I still don’t get them. So the mums WhatsApp everything they receive in the book bag. Hence my daughter has always had what she needs and I have never missed a play or activity. Since the ex started volunteering at the school I now receive no notes in the book bag even on my days. I’ve threatened the school with legal action but frankly they are more scared of ex than me. Not to play the gender card but it’s pretty f*cking hard to be taken seriously as a parent when you’re a man. Paradoxically if I do forget something the ex will be all over it and then people say it’s best for child to have one home and I should take dad to McDonald’s once every two weeks.

Why can’t school email letters? Our text to me and email to DH. So we both get a copy.

Yes, our school emails most things anyway and I've set it up so DH gets forwarded them, though I guess your ex wouldn't be amenable to helping you with that. But perhaps the school might.

Your current partner's behaviour does sound concerning. I had to read your post closely because I wondered for a moment if she was my friend's controlling ex. But that friend's ex has the only the one child... the behaviour seemed similar, though

I’ve asked the school but they are so disjointed that I still don’t get them

I appreciate that makes it difficult but I wouldn't give up resolving this with the school. Your DD has many years of school ahead and if you want to be an active involved parent you need to learn how to deal with things like this. Schools can be crap. We have the same issue in that sometimes they email me sometimes DH even though every parents evening we tell them what the most effective communication route is. This is not a 'dad' issue. Put everything in writing and keep all responses so you have evidence which will add weight to every subsequent conversation.