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Original poster

No commitment to live together 🤷🏻‍♀️

40 replies

Gimjax · 25/07/2019 10:37

I have been with my partner nearly 3 years. I have a 19 year old who lives with me and 2 other children living away from
home, he has a an 11 and 13 year old who he’s sees once a week and every other weekend.

We love it each and are the best of friends we only see each other 2-3 times a week as he is very busy with work, kids etc. We have talked about moving in together in the future but recently he made a comment that he couldn’t move in together because of my daughter being an adult and he wasn’t ready for that. I said that maybe the time wasn’t right but wanted assurance that this would happen in the future. After discussions he says that he can’t give any promises or assurance when this would happen but definitely within the next 5-6 years!!! I feel like this is such a long time as we will have been together 8-9 years by then he says if I can’t accept this then we need to split up but I can’t help thinking he’s being unreasonable and expecting me to wait around for the next 5 years to see if things change. We are 46 and 50 so not a young couple. My friends think it’s a bit odd but he says we shouldn’t listen to other people’s opinions and that all relationships are different but I value other people’s opinions so am asking what you all think 🤔

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 25/07/2019 11:27

What is the problem with your daughter being an adult? What isn’t he ready for?

The thing that stood out for me was the ‘if you don’t like it then break up with me’ makes me wonder if he is hoping that Is exactly what you will do.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 25/07/2019 11:33

He made it quite clear. He wants to wait (and possibly then wait more) and doesn’t want your dd to be loving at home.

He has shown you who he is. Do not ignore this. If you are not able to accept the above then spilt up.

FWIW I would not stay with a man who expects me not to provide a home for my kids and wants to keep me hanging on for several years.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 25/07/2019 11:34

Living!

Pinktinker · 25/07/2019 11:37

Blended families are complicated. It sounds as though he wants to maintain the relationship he currently has with his DC and doesn’t want to spoil it with the addition of you and your children. I don’t mean that in a harsh way, he just probably enjoys having his children at his own home without anyone else’s presence impacting on their time together. He sounds like a decent Father.

If you can maintain the relationship how it currently is and be happy that way then go for it but if you want more from it, you may have to accept the relationship is over. You can’t push him to move in with you.

BaronessBomburst · 25/07/2019 11:38

I read it as he wants to live with you, but not with your adult daughter.
But presumably he'll still expect you to have his children staying over?
All his own way, isn't it?

Hidingwhoiam · 25/07/2019 11:43

Honestly, I have young kids (15 and 8) and I have no desire to live with Dp. He has an adult son.

I dont really want to live with anyone. I absolutely love my alone time with the kids. Getting on the sofa on a weekend night watching a filmed with them is the highlight of the week. I have no desire to share my home with a romantic partner.

That may change, but I dont know. I cant promise it. I really like his adult son too. He often pops round when dp isnt, because we all get one so well. Still have no desire to fully blend the families.

LemonTT · 25/07/2019 11:51

He basically doesn’t want to live with you. He likes being on his own most of time with only part time parenting to interrupt things.

He is definitely not into full time family life. He is open to living together as a couple but I wouldn’t hold your breath.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 25/07/2019 11:51

I actually think it's quite sensible.

Years ago, living together was used as a "trial marriage". People did it to see if they were compatible before getting married.

Can I ask what you're reasons are for wanting to live together? Is it financial (nothing wrong with that, just asking)

Original poster
Gimjax · 25/07/2019 12:06

My daughter is very shy doesn’t go out with friends so he feels it would be weird three of us in the house together.

I mentioned to him that his children are there 4 nights of the week every other week and that was a big commitment for me but he just says that’s different because it’s not full time. Buy I just feel like he is hoping in 5 years my daughter will move out ... but his children will still be living with us part of the time.

I wasn’t discussing moving in together now I said within next couple of years but it was the possibility of waiting 5-6 that worried me!

OP posts:
Hidingwhoiam · 25/07/2019 12:08

When she says she doesnt go out? Do you mean ever?

Ibwoukd find that suffocating, to not ever have the house to myself. Which is why I dont live with dp.

Is that the issue?

Original poster
Gimjax · 25/07/2019 12:24

She never goes out in the evening she does go to work every day. It is so hard at her age to get her to join any clubs or groups! We moved to a different area after my divorce but I’m thinking of moving back where all my family are around and she can hopefully meet up with old friends again. It is a difficult situation she has very little contact with her dad he now lives in Ireland. She was 14 when he left and I think it affected her a lot and her brother and sister live away so she has become a bit isolated.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 25/07/2019 12:29

Why do you want to live together ?

Sharing space is not entirely easy, blending a family is really difficult.

What would you gain from moving in together? You don't mention getting married , how do you feel about this. ?

Racmactac · 25/07/2019 12:31

I have a dp and have ds 14 and ds 12. There is no way I'd move dp in whilst they are children.
I think it's sensible if I'm honest. Dp doesn't want to play dad and that suits us all.
It doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

Hidingwhoiam · 25/07/2019 12:32

How would moving area impact your dp?

Honestly, are there issues with your daughter, does she worry you?

HollowTalk · 25/07/2019 12:36

I'd worry more about living with his children. I couldn't go back to that after my own were adults.

Is moving back an option in terms of a job and a home?

Original poster
Gimjax · 25/07/2019 12:38

Moving would mean a 30 drive between us rather than 15 mins at the minute but I mostly go to his house anyway so it would be me doing extra travelling.

My daughter is ok, she works hard and is a normal teenager just very shy so finds it difficult to make new friends and has become dependant on me. She gets on really well with my DP

OP posts:
GaraMedouar · 25/07/2019 12:41

To me it sounds like the ideal situation as it is. A lot of people decide not to live together until kids grown up and left home. I am single currently but your set up would suit me down to the ground. He is probably happy as it is and has no wish to change things.

Original poster
Gimjax · 25/07/2019 12:43

I’d be moving back to a much smaller house than I have now but I’m not worried about that and I have just increased my hours to full time at the hospital where I work which is much closer to where I previously lived.

OP posts:
Hidingwhoiam · 25/07/2019 12:45

Yeah I didnt mean now.

But I wouldnt plan to live with someone when they were planning on moving away. Especially if I had young kids.

What will you do, let's say in 2 years and he says he thinks he is ready. Move to the area he is in?

Loopytiles · 25/07/2019 12:47

Understandable that he doesn’t want to live with you unless it’s mainly just the two of you. Eow isn’t v much parenting of his, younger DC.

But it also seems that he’s not that into you IMO!

Would be good to support your DD to become less financially and emotionally dependent on you.

Musti · 25/07/2019 12:49

I am not going to live with a man whilst there are still children at home. What's wrong with living separately,

Original poster
Gimjax · 25/07/2019 12:53

I think a lot of the issue is insecurity. I was married for 24 years, my husband left for a work colleague with two young children moved straight in (they have now separated 🙄) we always had a house always full of my kids and their friends and now it is just me and my daughter. I only get to see DP a couple of times a week so I feel like when we are together we are an amazing couple and I spend time with his kids and get on really well with them but as soon as we are not together it just goes back to texting a few times a day and I get a bit lonely .... think I need to get myself involved in a few more nights out and stuff keep busy 😂

OP posts:
Joh66 · 25/07/2019 12:59

It sounds as though you both want different things. Perhaps it is too convenient for him at the moment, sounds as though you do all the running. Doesn't sound like love to me, or even a deep friendship, but they mean different things to different people.

Angrybird123 · 25/07/2019 13:04

I have a very similar set up and most of the time it is perfect. I have a partner who suits me well, we have great weekends / nights out when kid free but the rest of the time I am autonomous. The kids don't need further complexity in their family life and dp doesn't want to be a step dad. He does hang out with us as a group occasionally but it's not what he would choose to do.
There are times I miss being married, not having it all rely on me but having had the rug pulled out from under my 'secure' marriage by an affair.i won't put me or my kids in that position again. I pay the mortgage, bills, if he decides its over, nothing changes and I like that stability. I agree with finding more things to do yourself that don't involve him so your social life doesn't just rely on him.

Graphista · 25/07/2019 13:08

Blending families is difficult at the best of times!

I live with dd 18 and I can absolutely see that someone else moving in could well be problematic in terms of changing our long standing and honed dynamic especially if that included other younger children in the mix even if not permanent inhabitants.

I think he's being perfectly sensible. It's not like there's any pressing need for marriage or you're going to be having children together.

I very much doubt I will ever live with a romantic partner again I find it a total pain! I just about tolerate dd 😂

He's being fair enough in being honest with you and saying you have a choice as you do. You can't make him do something he doesn't want to and he's not making you either.

To be fair given what you say about your dd I don't blame him. It's not healthy for her either to be never going out of an evening. What if anything have you done to try and remedy that? Is she not friendly with colleagues? Would she not go to eg an evening class or exercise class to try and make friends and get out the house apart from work?

I speak as a (currently) housebound agoraphobic myself, it's all too easy to slip into such behaviours. Is agoraphobia a possibility? (People think it means never going out when actually it's far more complex)

Just to clarify - are you saying you're only 15 - 30 mins away from your "old" place where dd has friends? That's not very far! Why isn't she meeting up with them?

I think you really need to consider if her "shyness", lack of social life (does she never have friends over even?) and dependence on you is more than social awkwardness.

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