No commitment to live together 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Gimjax]

I have been with my partner nearly 3 years. I have a 19 year old who lives with me and 2 other children living away from
home, he has a an 11 and 13 year old who he’s sees once a week and every other weekend.

We love it each and are the best of friends we only see each other 2-3 times a week as he is very busy with work, kids etc. We have talked about moving in together in the future but recently he made a comment that he couldn’t move in together because of my daughter being an adult and he wasn’t ready for that. I said that maybe the time wasn’t right but wanted assurance that this would happen in the future. After discussions he says that he can’t give any promises or assurance when this would happen but definitely within the next 5-6 years!!! I feel like this is such a long time as we will have been together 8-9 years by then he says if I can’t accept this then we need to split up but I can’t help thinking he’s being unreasonable and expecting me to wait around for the next 5 years to see if things change. We are 46 and 50 so not a young couple. My friends think it’s a bit odd but he says we shouldn’t listen to other people’s opinions and that all relationships are different but I value other people’s opinions so am asking what you all think 🤔

Angybird123 you are right ... I think it’s just missing being married sometimes (not that myself or DP want to repeat that). My daughter looks after herself is financially independant. I own my house and pay all my bills etc. We too have great nights out, holidays etc just feel something is missing. I might add I just turned 50 and probably menopausal so that’s not helping 😂😂

My DP does love me he does the loveliest things for me and the reason I travel to his house most of the time is because it gives us alone time together 😉

I think moving in wire someone when kids are involved is something that needs a lot of thought and something that a lot of people rush into.

I do think it's unfair though that he won't live with your daughter but would happily have his children stay over a few times a week.

I have been living as a single parent with my kids for 18 months now and I have to say, I can't imagine sharing my home or space permanently with a man again. I'm not saying that won't change but we have our own little team and I am the captain of our ship and I love it.

I am seeing someone who lives a 30 min drive away and we see each other 1/2 times a week so I feel I have the best of both worlds! I also have a friend who has been with her partner 4 years, neither have children (both in 40's) and live about 45 mins apart and have no plans to move in together. They feel they have a relationship that works great and both love their own space as well as time together.

I guess I'm just saying that you don't HAVE to live together to have a happy, healthy relationship but if it's important to you then you need to have more discussions.

I am loving reading all your comments it is making me see things from different perspectives which is great. I think when he spoke to me about this a few days I took it personally and as a sign that he wouldn’t commit to me even though he has said that he wants to be with me forever and live together when the time is right. I need to help my daughter to socialise more which will then free me up more to see DP. She works as a Postwomen which is great for her financially and health wise walking 12 miles a day but all her colleagues are much older than her so not great for her social life 🙄 I have increased my hours at work which will keep me busier with less time to overthink things. Please keep comments coming in it is really helpful and interesting to hear how others manage 😘

Another one here who doesn't want a live-in relationship. Quite happy to see someone once or twice a week. Independent adult DC, so no problems there, I just enjoy my time alone or socialising with friends/family occaisionally.

Merging homes and children is so much more complicated than simply moving in together. Maintaining separate households can be a much better plan.

If you do need more commitment, maybe consider looking for homes closer together.

We had nearly ten happy years together, in separate houses with never an argument. The first year after we moved in together it seemed that all we did was argue.

It's settled down now (a bit ... twenty years later) but I would advise anyone to keep their own place at least until their DC are grown and flown.

All I can think is how could anyone say 'if you don't like that then we should break up' to someone they care for. I could never say those words. It sounds like something you'd say if you were hoping someone would break up with you. Or someone who is testing their level of control over you might say ('it's my way or the highway').

Think about it though. It just isn't a normal thing to say to someone you are actually fussed about.

He might actually be doing you a favour, giving you an out now. Because he doesn't really sound like he wants what you want going forwards.

As for the daughter thing...If I was a 19 year old girl I would feel really uncomfortable if my mum moved her bf in with me. I mean, I guess she could move out but (especially as you mention she is shy) that's probably going to be her only option if he moved in. Personal space wise. Not that that would be a bad thing as it sounds like she lacks a social life and maybe that would help things.

It wasn’t said in a brutal way he said *You have to accept the situation that we won’t be living together for a number of years for the good of our relationship or split up if you can’t” it was also over text as well which doesn’t work as we have discovered before with us misreading stuff and taking things the wrong way. I am at times super sensitive to things that are said without thinking about the real meaning.

He has said lots of times that if it wasn’t just me then he would want me to move in with him tomorrow so it’s just a case of excess baggage at the moment 😂

His children are 11 & 13

Your child at home is 19, who could still be living with you at 30

Were you hoping to marry him & live together ?

He seems to have made it clear that he doesn't want to live with you

So you stay living separate for an undefined time
Or you find someone else who can offer you what you are looking for

His approach sounds sensible

I’m afraid I’m with the OP’s DP too. I can see why he said what he said.

I’ve been with DP 3.5 (exceedingly happy) year’s. We’ve had amazing trips, fab weekends away with no dc. We have 2 teens each. We aren’t like peas in a pod. Great friends, lovers, very happy, see each other when we can. Everybody (including the dc) gets on well.

DP has a dd who is 18 and has no qualifications and barely leaves the house day-to-day. I’m a (sociable) introvert and I need to have alone time. I get that now. I couldn’t set up a home where I wouldn’t get that. Aside from the implications of acquiring a dependent adult (potentially for life) than an enormous thing and I just don’t want it. Especially not after the blood, sweat and toil of raising my own dc to independence - which DP and his ex seem to find too much like hard work (as is their prerogative).

It stands to reason in these circs that keeping life separate is in everyone’s (certainly my and my dc) interests. DP knows that. It’s hard to swallow when you love someone but step families are incredibly complex and parents really need to be on the same page and think through all this complexity.

Doesn’t mean I don’t love DP it just means being realistic about what works and what doesn’t.

I will never live with another man again, I have 3 kids, one just left home and two still there. I did live with a partner after my marriage broke up and it was horrendous. His kids were older 17 and 20 when we met whilst mine were 11, 8 and 5. he actually didn't want-to be in the step father role and became mean and bullying to my children. Never ever again !
he only moved in with me because I had a house and he had nowhere to live, and I was stupid enough and enough in love to let him ...

We actually ARE like peas in a pod (except on parenting obvs )

Jaysus your DD is a teenager!!! Tell him to feic off

I totally understand his logic. You travel to his so you can have time alone. If he moves in that won't be possible.

There are several issues here. Firstly, your daughter is a young working adult, not a young 'teen' and is so withdrawn and shy she never socialises and is dependent on you for that. That is not healthy. Her old friends are only 30 mins away, not a great distance should she actually want to see them. I don't think moving closer will make a difference, she is withdrawn and needs help with that. Secondly, you are 'lonely' when you're not with partner, which means you need to occupy yourself rather than want him to fill that gap. Wanting a relationship to emulate the dynamics you had in an old relationship rarely works. Each are separate and unique.

Perhaps encouraging your daughter to get help would mean he could travel to you more for alone time and it would feel less like 'dating' and more like integrating into your life, as opposed to you integrating into him?