wwyd - feels like parents rubbing nose in favouritism

[tararua]

I am the black sheep of the family. DM disliked me from birth and has never had the mental or emotional tools to do anything about it - she is the victim in every situation. DF enables her and has labelled me a waste of space after trying to shoehorn me into fulfilling his failed career aspirations. Dsis plays along a lot, thinks i am not nice enough to parents and too self-focused, meanwhile gets weekly financial and practical help from parents - to the tune of gigantic expensive wedding, house deposits, cars, household appliances, designer clothes, holidays, school fees, expensive extracurricular activities, multiple weekly babysitting... all while Dsis's husband is a city lawyer and they are extremely well-off.

Meanwhile i live overseas, somewhere cheap. I have paid my own way entirely since university. Zero help on offer from parents, as well as a lot of nastiness from mother. My DS has a disability, so we are spending a lot (tens of thousands) on therapy privately... as well as needing to replace our car, our roof, etc etc. Parents know this.

My parents have for years dangled in front of me how much they spend on Dsis and her family. Casually mentioning how much her wedding cost, that they have bought her a car, a house deposit, a new carpet, a vacuum cleaner, paid for her renovations, paid for her kids' prep school and seriously expensive hobbies, etc. They all go out to dinner in extremely expensive restaurants all the time. DF pays. DF also passes on everything he can to my sister - eyewateringly expensive cameras and lenses, a piano, a seriously good telescope, bookshelves, etc etc.

So this week DF pointed out that he has bought granddaughter a hobby item that cost tens of thousands.

I responded by pointing out we are spending tens of thousands on therapy for our disabled son, and we are paying our own way and always have because no support of any sort has ever been on offer, and that given that our situation also involves spending tens of thousands on a new roof and a new car, frankly we'd rather not know about the hobby item, thanks.

The shit has hit the fan, naturally. Mother reckons I am a mean-spirited person for not wishing my niece joy in her lovely charmed little life. I am apparently jealous of niece and her present, and this is why nobody would ever want to help me.

So far i have ignored it all.

I already live overseas, I am already low contact. I have already had therapy. But I've never before blown up at DF in his look-at-me-aren't-I-nice little bubble of providing for his lovely family. I think he hadn't really thought it all through - I think he thought he was just being nice and that if I ever wanted help I'd ask for it.

So I apologise? Do I just ignore it all and let them go? Argggh.

Ermmmmm . No, you should definitely not apologise.
My family situation has similarities and when I questioned my dm’s dedication to my niece while ignoring my child, I was told I was pathetic to be jealous of a child.
Accusing you of jealousy towards your niece is just a deflection. It’s also s good way of getting your sister involved and on your df’s ‘side’.
You’ve done nothing wrong and they sound like awful people.

You must not even contemplate apologising! Ever. By all means contemplate no contact at all, if that would be better for your emotional health in the long term, but your family should be the ones grovelling on the floor.

I was going to say move abroad! What twats they are.

I don’t suppose they are ever going to change so I think I’d see this as the final nail in the coffin and stop all contact. Build yourself a new family wherever you are now.

I’d be quite tempted to tell them you’d won an astronomical amount of money first though.

I’d cut them all off completely. What do you get out of this relationship?

I expect you already have zero expectations of them. Its ok that you responded in the way that you did. You don't need to apologise. You could contact them and say that you have no wish to upset them but that you are being honest about how you feel, and that you believe your feelings are justified. Then leave it at that. If they stay in contact keep it superficially pleasant and distant. Its horrible to feel unloved. You can move on from this.

So sorry you have had to live like this 💐
Even though you know logically you don’t deserve this kind of treatment it can still be very hard to not think you must deserve it somehow. Please don’t apologise to them at all. Their behaviour is insane.

There was things I was going to suggest saying but in all honesty your DM sounds like mine. She will never change and no don't likes winding you up so she can paint herself a victim.

Personally I would cut the both of them out. You may have had to struggle for everything but in the long run you are better off. My DM never wanted me from birth (only girl) and gave my three brothers everything.

Cutting her out was the best thing I ever did . Your son, you and your husband don't need that toxicity in your life.

They sound like a nasty bunch of so and sos. Go NC. You don't need leeches like that sucking every ounce of energy/joy from your life. Well done doing things off your own back- there's a massive sense of satisfaction in knowing you haven't had any handouts to make it. Let them grease each other's narcissistic wheels and focus on making your own life the best you can. You won't/can't change them- just yourself.

Oh and do not apologise for their shortcomings and selfishness.

Why would you apologise for the truth?

I think he hadn't really thought it all through - I think he thought he was just being nice and that if I ever wanted help I'd ask for it.

About time someone pointed it out then.

I can only try to imagine how hard seeing your son go without help from grandparents what would improve his life.
But I can sympathise with your post to the extent that my sister also got the house and the car.
My earliest memories are of how much my mother loathed me.
I worked from the age of 13 and left home at 17 and never asked for a penny.
But somehow I am awful and she is wonderful and deserving.
My parents offered round the clock child care and paid for expensive holidays and private schools for her children.
Mine never got a birthday card.
But I know that if I had ever pointed out the unfairness, I am sure my mother would have gone ballistic .
Go no contact. It’s the only way.

Do not apologise to them
Ever
Also cut them lose. They might be your parents but they sure havent looked up in the dictionary what it means
It is a very sad situation. Do you have nice pil??

Well done for telling them you don't want to hear about them spoiling their other grandchildren. Please don't apologise! They sound awful. You deserve better parents, but since you don't have them, I would cut them off.

You have nothing to apologise for. In your situation I would probably write to my parents telling them what you have told us, how you've felt all these years and how you struggle to pay for the things you're DC and family need. I would then try and just get on with my life.

I hope they would consider how much hurt they have caused you and respond accordingly. It sounds like your DF may think about this further.

I wonder if you have been the one who appears to be capable and your DF has never considered you needed any help and support.

It may be that you have to cut contact with them totally if they do not realise they have treated you differently. I sincerely hope that your outburst will cause them to think again about their behaviour and apologise to you.

You’re choosing to engage in this. It’s their money to do with as they wish. They’re behaving terribly, and I’m so sorry that you’re hurt be it, especially as you feel your son needs financial help.
For them it’s a lovely game. Don’t play it.

I already live overseas, I am already low contact.I have already had therapy
Perhaps it's time to start thinking about No Contact?

I've never before blown up at DF in his look-at-me-aren't-I-nice little bubble of providing for his lovely family
You've reached the 'enough is enough' point.
You've also taken the step to confront/pull them up on their behaviour.
Predictably, you've been scapegoated again.

This is what it will always be like from them.
They're not going to change.
Question is, how much longer do YOU want to keep on taking this shit from them?
What do they bring to your life?
I will guess that the only things keeping you attached to them is F.O.G (fear, obligation, guilt).

What a shower of shitheads they sound, OP. I can't fathom treating your child in such a way as your parents treat you, but it sounds like they get some perverse pleasure in goading you.

You feel like you need to apologise because you have a sense of human decency. They don't. Your time, your energy, your apology, your words are too good for them.

I agree with pp about cutting all contact. I'm sure that can't hurt more than what they put you through now.

x

You have nothing to apologise for what so ever. They are all evil, they should be ashamed of their behaviour but they won't be. Toxic people never are.
Go no contact for your own sanity. Do NOT apologise. X

I wouldn't apologise

What is your relationship like with your dais?

If they complain send a simple message back saying “truth hurts”.
Cut contact. You and your family get nothing from this relationship. Could you imagine treating your children like that?

It happened to my friend. Her DM was particularly active using Facebook to show the world how much she loved “the other” grandkids.
My friend put lots of pics of her kids with the paternal grandkids and put messages such as the best grandparents my kids could wish for.
The fallout was awful and awesome for those of us who knew the story.
She never contacted her parents again but she thrived and continues to thrive. It’s been the best thing ever for her mental health.

They are awful and I understand to a certain extent because I’m in the same position with my dsis but less money being thrown her way plus I’m able to tolerate it more because I’m well off in my own right. However, I get how it makes you feel. I’m nc with my dsis and lc with my parents. In your situation I’d be going nc after telling them exactly how I felt and how disgusting I think they are. Well done for standing on your own two feet. Fuck them. Some people are just vile and sadly you got allocated a vile family. Keep getting therapy and building up your support network. The best revenge is to be happy

Why are you even in contact with them?

Don't apologise, you've done nothing wrong. I wouldn't contact them at all. If by some miracle your DF suddenly has an epiphany about what a shit father he's been to you & an even bigger shit grandfather he's been to your DS & wants to shower you with help & money to make life better for you then you could graciously allow him to. You know how much your son's life would improve with financial support & he deserves it. Not that I'd hold my breath of course.
You're doing a brilliant job with your son & have overcome huge obstacles

Can you not just text a reply along the lines of

"Can't you see the damage your favoritism is going? It's not the actual money, although that's what it looks like I suppose. It's more than that. You are there for my sister practically, financially and more importantly emotionally. Think how that makes me feel. It might not look like I care, but it really does hurt that you think so little of me."