Controlling Dh

[flametrees]

I'm a SAHM. Dh works long hours and earns good money.
He has always been quite dominating and I'm very passive.
He's outgoing. I'm quiet. He has a lot of interests. I'm more a home body. I'm happy with the kids, reading a book, meeting a friend one on one.
Recently he has decided me need to do stuff as a family. The activity he has chosen wouldn't be something any of us have any experience of but we have thrown ourselves into it.
I've gone to lots of events. I've enjoyed the family day while still not being overly interested in the actual activity.
This weekend we are travelling 5 hours to the event. Staying the weekend.
I said in passing last night maybe he wouldn't drink so we wouldn't be there all evening.
This morning I got the silent treatment followed by a barrage of abuse.
I never think of anything to do.
If it weren't for him we would do nothing.
I need to get a life outside him. And finally he is going this weekend with the kids and I'm not coming.

How do I deal with this?

Use the time alone to find a solicitor and make an exit plan. Unless you want to be miserable for the rest of your life.

have you got your own group of friends. could you take up dancing or a hobby away from your dh. you don't have to do things together.

I don't have many friends any more. I've lost touch with them. I'm trying to make an effort to meet up with friends again. But something always crops up with one of the kids and I don't go.

Tell him to go on his own and make a plan to leave him while he's gone

Hi OP do you do you have other post on this with a different username if not there is a a almost identical one running that you might like to follow to see what advice is being given there

I read that and replied but didn't want to derail. It's similar in lots of ways alright.

Let him go away for the weekend with the children. Stay at home and do your own thing.

@Windygate the kids would hate that.
He won't actually let it drop. He will assume I've seen the error of my ways and go.

Part of me is sorry I've said anything. I should have just gone along with it. There will be an atmosphere now and that's not fair on the kids.

He hasn't phoned me today like he usually does. He will talk to the kids this eve now and not me directly.

@flametrees that's really sad. Why don't DC enjoy spending quality time with their DF?

You could try couples counselling, try to find a way to make him understand that he can't make you someone you're not and that you'd be far more likely to take up interests without his constant pressure.

Or you could start making plans to leave, because no one deserves to be bullied and berated in their own home or relationship simply for being themselves.

Couples counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. He will simply manipulate the counsellor just as he has and continues to manipulate the OP.

Use your time when he is not there to start planning your exit from this marriage with due care. What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from you two?.

This is ringing so many alarm bells it’s giving me tinnitus, OP!
Read your post back to yourself and ponder:
Quiet, passive, don’t go anywhere, lost touch with friends... silent treatment, barrage of abuse... he’s quite dominating, he decides activities...
OP, this is abuse, plain and simple.
You need to get out - of the house, and the relationship.
I think you’ll find that you then become much less quiet and passive, reconnect with friends and start having a life. On your own terms. And I’d recommend getting a job, any job, so you have financial independence and a boost to your confidence and self esteem.
Good luck.

He's home and straight in to watch the news once he'd said hello to the kids. Waiting on his dinner to appear.

So tempted to just drive away but honestly I don't think he would care.

He does not care about you at all.

This is also no relationship model to be showing your children, they are indeed learning from this example of a relationship. He is also harming his children by showing you as their mother such outright contempt.

I probably don't have any ground to comment but are you that way by choice? I really struggled to see what was wrong with the post as a massive introvert but then read that some people were construing it as you not having much of a life because of him. I don't have a life but that's by choice tbh, I like being introverted and might be reluctant to be dragged around by an extrovert but sometimes it can be what you need. He might want you to be more outgoing and could be insecure that you mentioned him drinking hence acting like a big child but I don't see much wrong other or am I completely missing the point? 🤔

My husbanss dinner wouldn’t ‘appear’ if he didn’t even acknowledge me! Bin it. Please.

OP, I really feel for you having been through similar. The advice I give may sound a bit dramatic but I wish that someone had had a chat to me. Start a "new start" bank account that he knows nothing of. You will, at least, that you have made steps on your own and started providing for your future.

If had realised about this step, I could have salted away lots as DD was drunk a lot of the time and left his trousers where they fell| He would not have had any idea that I wanted to make a new life. Good luck, whatever you decide.

Why did you agree in the first place if it isn't something you'd enjoy? Do the kids enjoy it?
I'd have just said no, why not tell him.
I'm not saying he isn't controlling but I don't understand why you let him organise it if you don't want to be involved.
Or, why didn't you think of something to do as a family?

Why are you cooking his dinner ? I understand that you’re a passive person, but that doesn’t mean you have to put up with bad behaviour from others, especially someone who is supposed to love you.

^Use the time alone to find a solicitor and make an exit plan. Unless you want to be miserable for the rest of your life.^

This.

And if he wouldn't care if you flounced out then all the more reason to go.

I'm not sure now. He says I suck the joy out of everything. And maybe I do. He's taking the kids for the weekend and I'm not going.

Not what I wanted. I just wanted to discuss what we would be doing.

It's hard to discuss things when someone points out every single negative thing about you.

He's gone to bed. No more discussion. It wasn't a discussion anyway.

This sounds like a miserable existence for you. You have lost yourself along the way, be brave and start planning your exit.

OP call his bluff and don't go. If the kids don't want to go with him, keep them at home and tell him to go alone. He is a bully and not a nice person at all. He's not going to change and while you let him bully you, he will continue to do it and it will get worse.
If this were your daughter in a marriage like this, what would you say to her?

@crappyday2018 I intend to.
Sick shit of it now. My oldest says no way she is going without me.
I'm getting my hair done tomorrow evening. The dogs are already booked into the minder. He can attempt to pack for the weekend. He won't have a clue.

I think it's going to bring things to a head.

I said in passing last night maybe he wouldn't drink so we wouldn't be there all evening.

You’ve suggested he doesn’t drink for the night, he’s had a strop. You’ve said you’re not going and he’s said he’ll go anyway and take the kids. Is that right?

Will he be drinking if you don’t go?