Controlling Dh

[flametrees]

I'm a SAHM. Dh works long hours and earns good money.
He has always been quite dominating and I'm very passive.
He's outgoing. I'm quiet. He has a lot of interests. I'm more a home body. I'm happy with the kids, reading a book, meeting a friend one on one.
Recently he has decided me need to do stuff as a family. The activity he has chosen wouldn't be something any of us have any experience of but we have thrown ourselves into it.
I've gone to lots of events. I've enjoyed the family day while still not being overly interested in the actual activity.
This weekend we are travelling 5 hours to the event. Staying the weekend.
I said in passing last night maybe he wouldn't drink so we wouldn't be there all evening.
This morning I got the silent treatment followed by a barrage of abuse.
I never think of anything to do.
If it weren't for him we would do nothing.
I need to get a life outside him. And finally he is going this weekend with the kids and I'm not coming.

How do I deal with this?

He won't drink if he's on his own. Having a drink wasn't that big a deal. He was just trying to organise a taxi from the accommodation to the event and I said sure maybe don't bother drinking.
That's translated into me not wanting to go. To sucking the joy out of his weekend.

I never said I wasn't going. He said I'm not going as I clearly don't want to be there.

Don’t help him pack. How old are the kids? It really sounds like he treats you like one of the kids. You’ve been naughty and now you are grounded 🙄. What a prick

He’s having a tantrum because he wants his own way and you questioned him. He clearly doesn’t respect you and feels like you should just go along with everything he wants to do. Are you even really compatible? This is just stressful isn’t it? He really needs somebody who wants to be out all the time and you need somebody who is happy just pottering around the garden.

Everything is too controlling and messed up for you.. To be free of all this,would be wonderful.!

I would stop doing anything him. No dinner, no laundry or ironing etc. You need to leave him really.

I asked him if he would agree to sitting with someone else to discuss our issues with. He said yes.
We simply can not communicate if we disagree.
What sort of person am I looking for? What would I look up to get a name?

Flametrees

Do not enter into any form of joint counselling with him. It will not go well for you and the counsellor could well be manipulated by him into taking his side. Such counselling also is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

Counselling for you solely would help; you need to be able to talk freely in a calm and safe environment.

Abuse as well is not about communication or a perceived lack of; its about power and control. This man wants absolute over you and in turn your kids.

Womens Aid are well worth contacting here.

Attila is right. He won't be honest with any counsellor. Do you think he is suddenly going to admit all his faults because he's talking to a stranger? He will turn it round on you and then will say "well you asked me to try counselling and I did".
I realise you want to try everything but nothing is going to change this man I'm afraid. He cannot and will not admit he's doing anything wrong.

Don't have joint counselling with an abuser.
It's not a good idea and any counsellor worth their weight won't see you together if they know there is abuse.
The abuser turns it around and uses it as yet another stick to beat their 'victim' with. You can google it.
He needs to go on his own and so do you.
Understand why you have put up with this treatment for so long.

Let him go on his own. How old are your DC?
Can they make the decision themselves whether they want to go with him or not?

Stop dancing to his tune.
Get your own hobbies.
What are you into? You mention reading so you could join a book club.
Do you like singing? Join a choir
How about Am Dram? That will help you express yourself.
Look at meetup.com in your area.

Stop using the kids as an excuse to cancel meeting up with friends.
He should be there anyway to look after them. So let him.

@hellsbellsmelons
This is what he says to me all the time. Find something you like to do. Go out and do something. Don't make me the centre of the world for you.
The thing is I have no desire to do that. If I start joining something or taking up something it's only to show that "look at me doing stuff on my own"

I'm 48. I have 6 children. Older teens down to aged 9.

I want to be able to just live my life the way I want to. Bring with the kids. Reading a book. Playing on my phone.
I hate being constantly told that there is something wrong with me for being content with what I have.

I don't want an exciting hobby. I don't enjoy groups of people.

I'm so tired of trying to justify my existence.

It sounds like you're basically incompatible.

He's outgoing, you're not. And that's fine to enjoy being by yourself or reading or being a homebody.

What is not fine is having to live with someone who doesn't get 'that'; it sounds like he's constantly cajoling you into being someone you're not.
It sounds exhausting.

You say you're content with what you have and that's fine. I think he's rude and sulky because he hasn't got his own way. I also think you're just two very different people who need to go your separate ways.

There's nothing wrong with him taking the kids to do their 'thing' this weekend and you staying home. If eldest doesn't want to go then let her stay home with you. He needs to see that he can't force people to do what he wants all the time.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy
Our relationship in a nut shell.

Over twenty years of it.

I'm less able to deal with it as I get older and more set in my ways.

I've started saying no to the things I don't want to do.

It's not that he's a bad person. He really isn't. We are just so so different.