Painful sex

[EmbarrassingMama]

NC for obvious reasons.

I have a 13 month old who is adorable. My husband and I have always had a good sex life - nothing crazy but very satisfying and have matched sex drives. 3 times a week would have been fine for both of us pre-baby.

Our only baby was delivered by EMCS 13 months ago and we waited about 5 months to have sex post baby.

Since then we've had sex probably 6 times. Yes - 6 times in 7 months. This isn't because we don't want to do it, but because I find it excruciatingly painful, to the point of tears when we do.

I have a mild anterior prolapse so things don't feel as they were anyway, but I didn't have a vaginal birth so it's not as though everything is totally different.

The sensation: burning, sandpaper like.
We have tried bucket fulls of lube and it makes very little difference.

Has anyone experienced similar? Is there anything I can do?

I'm starting to reject his advances because I'm scared to try and this is not going to be good for our relationship. He's been as patient as a saint and I want to make sure he knows I'm still 'into' him.

I'm still BFing twice a day.

Advice welcome.

Haven't you been to your gp to work on a solution?

'Work on a solution'?
can't wait to hear what that actually is!! All threads I have ever read never ever have any sensible suggestions.

I’m in your situation and it’s destroying my relationship.. I’ve been to my GP several times, been tested for everything under the sun (negative) and I’m losing hope of finding out what’s wrong with me so I’ll be watching this thread.
I could understand if I’d had a difficult delivery but like you I has a CS so it’s devastating to have something going on that no one has a clue what to do about.

I had the same after sections, but not for as long as 13 months. At the time I read it can be to do with breastfeeding causing hormones to be released which tighten everything back up again, as your body doesn't know you haven't had a vaginal birth - don't know how much truth there is in that. Either way it took a bit of time (up to a year?) but it did go back to normal-ish (or rather not painful, but things are never exactly the same no matter how you give birth). I would ask you HV if this is still within the bounds of what's expected; it wouldn't surprise me if it was.

It’s been 22 months for me and probably even more painful now that at the start, I feel as though I’m tearing during, and the burning sensation lasts for hours afterwards. Is it that bad for you OP?

Have you seen your doctor about it?

All threads I have ever read never ever have any sensible suggestions.

The op has stated she has already tried using loads of lubrication, so other than that, what advise could a bunch of randoms on the internet have to offer? Advising her to see her gp isn't "sensible?"

This is so common after childbirth, but it does get better for most women.

I don't know which lubes you've already tried but my advice would be to try a few different ones, there might be one out there that has a texture that suits you. Also, make sure you do lots of foreplay before sex. It's actually really common for a lot of women not to be properly aroused before they start penetration, so they basically rely on the discharge they already have for lubrication. If that is reduced for any reason sex can become painful, but taking the time to build up to it can really help.

Another thing that can happen is that if it's painful, you tense up, which will make it more painful, so you tense up more, and you can get locked in a kind of vicious circle. If that's the case then obviously it's not easy to just not tense up, but sometimes being aware of the thought process is enough to break the cycle. For some women it isn't, and in those cases some forms of therapy can be helpful.

Also remember that you don't necessarily need to have penetrative sex to be intimate. If that's too painful then maybe just focus on oral sex or whatever for a while. 13 months isn't very long in the grand scheme of things, give your body time to readjust.

It is definitely worth going to your GP though, and seeing if there's an underlying cause. Even if there isn't there are things that can be done. A lot of GPs aren't great at women's health, so if you get fobbed off keep going until you find one who is.

Are you using condom? You could be allergic to latex.

Seconding the lube thing, I had exactly the same issue as you until I found out about this one called Yes. WB. You can get it in Holland and Barrett, honestly it really does actually work.

Thank you for the useful advice. It’s really nice to know I’m not alone. Knowing others have experienced similar and have seen an improvement is really encouraging.

Aquamarine - I have seen my GP, three times. Once was a male GP who told me it would get better and refused to examine me. Once was a female GP about 10 years younger than me who hadn’t had kids and told me it was normal and the 3rd, possibly most useful, was a nurse who advised me to get a baby sitter and have a large glass of red wine. None are able to offer “a solution”.

Thanks for the lube advice! I’ve tried KY and Durex and KY was marginally better. Will try and find some ‘Yes’ and see if that’s easier.

You need some oestrogen cream. Go and see your gp. It is very common to have this problem, especially when breast feeding.
You can use cream or pessaries every night, and lube when required.
The oestrogen fixes the burning and soreness.

I was the same until I stopped breastfeeding then things felt so much better.

Have your periods come back? That was the key for me with both DC: basically my body was non-cooperative until my reproductive system was functioning!

How about forgoing PIV sex? You can still enjoy sex, but without the pain.

I ended up at the family planning clinic, where the doctor was a women's health consultant. She recognised thinning of vaginal tissue due to lack of oestrogen.Oestrogen cream was almost miraculous.
It improved after I stopped breast feeding.

You do not 'need' oestrogen cream OP, unless you have a hormonal imbalance that suggest so .

I would ask to see a female GP OP, to check via swabs there is nothing else awry in terms of PH or bacterial or dermal, and ask for a referral to the specialist womens physiotherapist and gynaecology. I have moved twice and both my local hospitals have had a pelvic floor clinic.

Nobody here can say without medical knowledge and an examination/full list of symptoms so it could be a number of things including the physiological or psychological. I suffer with vulvodynia which causes the sandpaper type pain you cause. I take painkillers for this and use various medications and techniques to ease the pain. Dreading sex led me to overtightening my pelvic floor due to anxiety and improper use of muscles which caused additional issues and pain. My physio was fantastic. Not embarrassing at all- it's a body part like any other and nerves and muscles like any other. Dont suffer in silence

Have you been for a smear lately?

I have had 2 c sections and sex was horrible.

I had an abnormal smear which showed cin3. I had treatment and since then it's been much better

Hi there, they do a range of lubes in Ann Summers and one of those is water based, which I find amazing. I also have one called liquid satin which I really rate too.

I had an EMCS and BF for 10months, I have to say during that time sex wasn't particularly great for me at all but once I stopped BF things improved massively. (My partner wasn't particularly supportive or patient with me though so I think that didn't help either).

There are lots of other things you could focus on without PIV for now if it's so painful and anxiety inducing, perhaps try leaving that off the table and leaving it for in the future.

Keep communication up with your OH, you'll come through the other side. 🌈

I am going through the same. If you have the same issue as me no amount of lube is going to help. I saw a gynecologist who identified pelvic pain. I was seeing a specialist physiotherapist who would give internal massages and I was given pelvic floor exercises and a dilator to use. Google pelvic pain

I have the same issue post meno. It has completely put me off sex (although the fact that last time I tried, my 'D'P said 'it will soon feel better' and carried on, even though I said it hurt).

I know I should go to the doctor and ask for help, but at present I don't care if I never have sex again!

Good luck, OP.

Thinking about it it was around the time I stopped breastfeeding (about a year) that this stopped for me after my sections.

I have this issue recently although haven't given birth. I have always not produced much natural lubrication and I am on Depo Provera which often causes vaginal dryness.

Durex lubes are IME complete rubbish. They start off okay then they just turn to jelly. KY is better. My current two favourites are Liquid Silk (tastes awful though so don't put it on unless oral has defo finished) and All Night Long by Skyns, which is completely odourless and tasteless and feels more like an oil than a gel (but is condom safe.)

If you feel the problem is dryness (rather than being "too tight") then you can also try Replens pessaries or BV Active Moisture. Both of these you pop in overnight. Wear knickers or you'll end up with a mess on the sheets! (and wear a sanitary towel if you care about the knickers!)

I have two friends who are midwives and they suggested massaging the perineum prior to sex to loosen and relax the muscles.

I had this pre baby. Different kind of pain but it was never diagnosed despite scans/gyny/ureo etc. Weirdly after I delivered it went away. I always suspected a lot skenes gland cyst but it was never confirmed. Not helpful to you as sounds like a different pain BUT the next step I was going to take was a women’s physio. One of the ones who actually do hands on stuff. Pretty full on but meant to be incredibly effective. I would try the oestrogen cream first but if no joy, do investigate if there are any practitioners near you.