There's something I keep thinking about and wanted to ask other women about. Just a disclaimer, I'm not actually a mother, I joined Mumsnet to participate in the feminism board so I hope that's ok.
A few years ago I realised something was wrong in my relationship when my ex threatened to hurt me after I'd said something he didn't like. I had this sudden realisation that I was not safe and, as if guided by some external or internal force, knew I needed to act normal and pretend I wasn't scared of him whilst quietly gathering up a few things to leave. I told him I was tired but I'd ring him in a few days then left then ended the relationship over the phone a few days later (which he was not happy about at all).
In the following days, I was so confused and doubted myself so I rang the national domestic abuse helpline. I expected they'd tell me my partner was not abusive and that he just had a bad temper or something, but they said I wasn't safe, classed me as medium risk and told me to call the police if he turned up. It was so terrifying, sickening and shocking because up until that point I thought I had this great boyfriend who 'occasionally said and did mean things.' I hadn't been with him for long but this event turned my life and perception of life completely on its head because I realised that so many things I'd thought were true and real were false and based on lies. He harassed me for a few months after that, not accepting it was over and I eventually went to the police which thankfully made him stop.
He was mostly emotionally and psychologically abusive but also sexually, physically and financially abusive in more subtle ways. He'd make mean comments about my body but then justify it somehow or say it was a joke. He'd be rough with my body, lean on me 'accidentally,' or grab my wrists suddenly. In bed he was cold and clinical after initially seeming like this really attentive partner. I realised it was just an act. He treated me callously, was no affectionate at all and once put his hands around my neck in bed and later denied this, angrily when I said I didn't like that sort of thing and could he please not do the again.
He always, always had an excuse for everything. I ended up having quite a lot of bruises and he told me that I must bruise easily. He always found a way for everything to be my fault and I mostly believed him and found myself apologising all the time. He was super tight with money despite boasting about earning a good salary and bonuses whilst I was looking for work trying to go self employed. He would manufacture it so that I'd have to buy all of our food when we stayed at his, whilst he ate the food at my house. ie. I was usually paying for our food and on trips out he would never buy my meal.
I also realised afterwards that he was cheating on me, possibly with prostitutes (I found something under his bed that clearly belonged to a woman and he said it belonged to his sister which didn't make any sense why it was under his bed). I also wonder if he cheated with men given some of the strange things he said like mentioning times he'd been naked with men and strange stories about his male friends sleeping with each other behind their girlfriends backs.
I read and read after leaving and realised that he fits the profile of a psychopath - charming, pathological liar, no remorse, no empathy, sees people as objects, callous and cruel, aggressive, sexually promiscuous as well as abusive, mainly psychologically.
I understand much more about domestic abuse now, have read some really helpful books on it and am in a forum that has helped me a lot. The issue is, it's been a few years but I now question entirely the notion of dating and partnering up with or marrying a man at all. I know they are not all abusive, but so many of them in my view behave so badly that I think, maybe life is best for women if they avoid men?
For example, my exes and most men I know expected me to pick up the bulk of the domestic tasks despite us not even living together. I found this astounding, like their brains are stuck in the 1950s. There's no way I want to be in a partnership with a man who expects me to clean up after him. But it seems, most of them do?
I also have a zero tolerance approach to cheating (which is difficult if they are good at lying and hiding it). I never accept cheating in a relationship, but saw a statistic that said 60% of married men cheat. I've never cheated, and would expect my partner to never cheat. It's fine if a man wants to be multiple women, but he doesn't get to be my partner if he does.
I think I just feel lost because I always expected I'd meet a man and get married and that it would be a happy, healthy relationship. That hasn't happened to me at all and I often wonder, does anyone experience that or are people just pretending? All those couples I see, are the men secretly abusive and cheating behind the happy smiles they show in public? Do most women turn their other cheek and expect their husbands to cheat? Do most women just do most of the housework and accept that as their fate?
I'm wondering what my future will look like since I cannot accept the above behaviour. But it seems most men behave like this (from my experience of relationships, men in my family, and men I have met whilst dating, some of whom turned out to be married and had lied to me saying they were divorced).
I'm currently focusing on getting my career on track, on looking after myself, learning how to be independent but often think what my future will look like.
Has anyone here actually got a really good, kind, faithful, loving partner or husband? I genuinely don't know if these relationships exist and I'm trying to make sense of everything and see whether it is worth dating again in the future or choosing to be alone intentionally. I'm late 30s now so not young in the dating world, but I feel mostly at peace with that, since I've let go of allowing men to make me feel bad for my age. I occasionally meet attractive men but when I do I start thinking, what if he's abusive too? What if he cheats, what if starts stalking me if I show interest? I feel like I cannot trust men at all in romantic relationships. They just don't seem to hold up their side of the bargain at best and at worse, they abuse, rape and murder us.
People often pity single women but I am starting to think that maybe it's actually a pretty good if not best choice for a lot of women. But, it's also not easy given that society still mostly expects people to couple up. I find it lonely because every woman I know is married now so I spend most of my time alone. This is fine most of the time but it's not good at weekends in particular where I often feel low and isolated.
Anyway thanks for listening and for your thoughts and advice on this.