X and Ow in Singapore - emotional abuse?

[greenberet]

Today would have been my 25 wedding anniversary - guess where we went on honeymoon.

Coincidence? I doubt it - I guess this is meant to be a kick in the guts - but I have had so many that this is just another to add to the list. Really I just find this bloody weird!

I have had a lovely day in the garden with some gin and passion fruit lollies - the best things in life are free!

My ex took the OW to the same country we got married in. I know it really tore my heart out at the time but I don’t care now. The pain will pass, OP.

In the meantime, imagine being with a man who either had such a great time with you in a place he felt the need to relive it and/or be appalled at his utter lack of imagination that when there is literally a whole world to visit, he needs to go back to where he went before. It’s very boring and for her, pretty shit that he couldn’t come up with something....original.

Oh ffs

He may be a twat but my god do you women like to label men abusive on here at a drop of a hat! Do you realise how wrong that is?!

My ex would do exactly the same thing. I honestly do not care anymore. More fool her trying to relive my life and more fool him- he's the one still smarting and trying to hurt me when I don't care. Stick 2 fingers in the air and have a gin to celebrate your lucky escape!!

I remember your previous threads OP. You sound much more sanguine than usual (which is great to see) but there is still this unhealthy focus on you ex (whom you separated from several years ago. ) bubbling under the surface.
It really is time to stop spending a single iota of your energy on this man. Really time to stop. Perhaps you could talk to GP about some directed psychotherapy (not counselling) in order to help you move beyond your obsessive focus on him and his behaviour.
I really think you would benefit.

Hi @greenberet good to hear you are still out there. I was going through the mill about the same time as you, and it's great we're both out the other side.
I sat in my garden too this week and thought, wow, my own garden! Just mine!
I was surprised though that you knew it was your 25th Wedd Ann. Although it is only three years since my divorce, I've already forgotten how long I'd been married (high double figures) and I certainly don't mark the date.
He was unkind and unreasonable, and I divorced him.
He is STILL unkind, fucking unreasonable around the DC and, I like to think, unhinged.
Just un.
And I am unmarried to him! Yay!

sincethereis I was going to address your inability to comprehend that a man might behave like an utter dick, however your use of quote marks around the word aggressive in relation to the OPs breast cancer tells me enough to know you're not worth the effort.

@sincethereis you sound deranged ! Aggressive is a medical term , why so spiteful ? So unnecessary

Op I'm with you, it is thoughtless and provocative of him, you know him we don't

Where do I get free gin lollies though

Wonder if the ow knows? She must be insane if she’s gone along with going all the way to Singapore just to spite the ex.

sincethereis that was nasty. Hope your proud of yourself.

He's just an unimaginative prick green.
My ex would do the same...the difference is I stop bothering to tell him the places I wanted to go and the things I wanted to do - as going with him would have spoiled them for me.
I'm still in the middle of trying to shake the fucker off through the courts; but when I'm done I'm going to work my way through my 'bucket' list, and enjoy them all the more without my ex managing to rain on my parade.
I have found it really easy to move on from my ex - I am glad he has a new partner, he hasn't time to stalk me anymore or come crying at my door.

For your own sake OP tell your DC's that you dont want to hear about him or what he is doing. He is out of your life now. Your DC's should rightly have contact but they should not be telling you when & where he is taking his new partner.

You ask if it's emotional abuse? It's only emotional abuse if you let it be. If you've been split up for a long time as it appears then it is entirely possible it is coincidental. Regardless of what has happened in the past it is much healthier for you to move on and not focus on things like the date of what would have been your 25th anniversary. It may be difficult but it would be so much better for you to look forward not back.

I couldn't tell you what my ex was doing on what would have been our 25th anniversary. I didn't even register the date.

@RRJR - abusive at the drop of a hat - no I don’t think so - you clearly know nothing about me or have bothered to RTT

@sincethereis - aggressive - yes that was the diagnosis - I was very very lucky - picked up on a random breast screening - removed a tumour the size of a grain of sand - I wouldn’t have felt it for a while by which time who knows - it warranted radiotherapy as well as having lymph nodes removed - so maybe AGGRESSIVE is more appropriate

@Teabay - glad to hear you are almost there -

Font - I know you think it’s obsessive - it’s not but it is very difficult for me still - I’m still embroiled in messy stuff with Legal Ombudsman as said above. Moving out of former family home in next month or so once kids have left for uni.

I have a lot of significant dates in July so I doubt I will ever forget - but this year it was triggered by hearing this. It is also pretty deliberate in that all maintenance etc stops now and I’m not yet sure how I’m going to support myself so it’s look at how much I’m spending.

Women’s Aid also want to talk to me about what I’ve been through - not just the abuse by him, but by legal profession at bottom level and top, from cms and their systems that are meant to protect but enable - and so it still goes on - nowhere near at the capacity it was - but still an undercurrent.

Thank you for the support - I have been doubted on here so much - nearly didn’t post as always think twice now in case I get a hammering - thank you it means a lot

Hi greenberet* I remember you posting before. What your ex has done is cruel. Maybe it was intentional, maybe thoughtless...however I am of the same opinion as you. It was aimed to hurt. 25th wedding anniversary? And to the honeymoon destination? No. I think that was a big 2 fingers up to you. He picked that place out of the whole world, and that date. That's nasty. Try and not dwell on it, have a little smile to yourself that you are well rid of a nasty bastard, enjoy your day and look forward to you and your children's future.
My ex did the same btw... x

Actually I wasn’t sure if it was 25 I had to double check - I know the day and month not the year - but when I knew it was - well - weird!

As for kids telling me stuff - I do not have an issue with this - it impacts on them too - ie he’s not here for his contact weekend - tells them he cannot afford stuff when he clearly can - I’d rather they talk to me if they are bothered by things than feel they cannot tell me because it’s to do with him.

janesmore - it’s emotional abuse alright - and no it’s not coincidental - that’s how you know it’s emotional abuse - a series of actions, behaviour that on their own can look pretty innocent but add them all together and there is clearly a pattern!

Anyway I’m off to the beach now - silver lining and all that - enjoy the sunshine ladies 🐽

Some people lack imagination, so will happily carry on with the plans set out by the previous partner with the new one. My ex did this (even down to calling his son, with another woman, the name we'd picked out). I've read it on here a number of times. However, by the sounds of things this is deliberate by your ex. I know it's easy to say but do try and shut down any channels that information about him flows. Even tell mutual acquaintances that you don't want to know.

@user1471433754 thank you - I’m sorry you had to experience this too - there are some nasty fucks out there!

Time for a new life and a new job? You really need to let go of your past or come to terms with it otherwise your future life is going to be tainted forever by what happened. Yes - it may not be fair and you didn't deserve it but it happens all the time .

penguin- I’m assuming you mean divorce happens all the time? I’m doing my best not to be tainted by this forever - however no one deserves the treatment I have received - which was compounded by ineffective systems and greedy people

Had I been listened to I would not be in the position I’m in now. I do not class it as “unfair” - the legal system knew what they were doing - they chose to ignore their own rules as it suited!

Not many speak up - some are not able to - maybe some have not been effected enough to want to do something about it - I have -and whilst I have the capacity - my mental health often means I don’t - I will go with this as far as it goes.

Hopefully at least one person will benefit from something I’ve said or done - anymore and that’s a bonus.

I’m not stupid I knew about abuse - but I didn’t see it happening to me in time to do something about it - hopefully I can do something about it now

TBH with you you are not a shining example to anyone of how to make the best of things or move forward with your life. It sounds like you really need some help with coming to terms with this.

Women's Aid ended up being involved in my situation too. He was so ruthless and downright horrible thru the whole divorce. I could write a book about everything that ex has done. It has all taken a toll on my health and I have been very poorly, in and out of hospital with one thing or another. However, I do now have a lovely man who has been so wonderful and I love him very much. He would do anything for me.
Please always remember that so many good things can come out of bad times. We don't know what is around the corner, I never in my whole life imagined loving another man. But I have. Be open to things. Go out when you can. And you sound like you are! I was married a very long time too. Now, well, I hardly think about him! My grown up children don't see him because of his behaviour, their choice. He isn't mentioned any more.
Yep, ex's partner is wealthy, yep they can do many things, but if you don't have your children or your grandchildren then tbh what's the point? I have a feeling we are from same background greenberet because of your user name. I honestly wish you all the best and there will come a day that when you hear something you won't give it a second thought and will just get on with your own day x

I think you need to actually accept he's a twat of the highest order. You know he's a twat, but seem to keep being surprised every time he does something else twatty. Do you actually expect he will act any other way? He will always do twatty things because he's a twat.

You cannot change that. You can change your reactions: expect nothing less than king of the twats behaviour every time. Be ready for it.

He has really screwed you over, he'll try to continue doing so. Because he is a TWAT! Prepare for all his actions being that of a twat, stop expecting anything else. There is no point in expecting anything else and then being shocked when he acts the same again. Accept and be bloody angry, but don't be surprised.

It's been years though. At least 6?

He doesn't think about you at all.

I have been reading your threads for a long time now and this is my first time posting. I have had a lot of stuff happen to me too, people let me down or manipulated me. What didn't help me was to keep going over and over it in my head. You get stuck in a whirlpool of negativity and eventually, you'll drown.

Your ex may have done this on purpose, he may not but by giving it head space, he's winning right? Drink your gin and have your lollies and thank the stars you don't have to deal with him.anymore.

It has come to the point now where you need to break the cycle for your own good, for your mental health and for your children. We can't change the past whatever we do, all we can do is focus on the future. We cannot control others, only control our reactions to them.

I know others have tried to tell you this in the past and please believe me when I say I am not attacking you. I do empathise with all the anger and bitterness you have for the life you lost, but they are poison and they eat away at you and the joy you could find until there is nothing left but anger and hatred.

What happened to you is not fair but don't let it consume the rest of your life. I don't know if any of this will make a difference because maybe you aren't there yet, but I wanted to try as someone now on the other side of the anger and pain