Need to tell DH but scared of his reaction

[mrszombie]

I have been getting unwanted attention from a man at work for the past 2 months, it started off with inappropriate comments about my body and appearance and then it progressed to more sexual talk like "what we could get upto in a locked cupboard eh?" etc. I NEVER encouraged it, never smiled or said anything in return and often showed my disgust.

Anyway a few weeks ago he asked me out for a drink, I turned him down stating that I was married, he didn't take the rejection well and started saying things like I was frigid and stuck up, prude etc.

I told him if he carried on I would report him for harrassment and he stopped for a couple of days but then when it started up again it was more physical, he would touch me as I walked past him, come up behind me and touch my hair etc.

I've kept all this to myself because I'm new at the company and he's been there years and is well liked, plus I'm terrified of DH finding out, he has an extrememly volotile temper and quite often wants to kill people for looking at us the wrong way, this will make him explode and I'm scared of his reaction.

On the other hand I want to tell him so much, I want his support and I need to talk to him. Would you tell your DH's and do you think I should risk telling mine?

I think you should tell him.
Also you need to tell your line manager.
Is their a union at work?
You poor thing Have you told anyone? A close friend or family member?

was in this situation and did tell dp who was fabulous.

but he is not volatile and not at all jealous. tales are still told in his home village of how, even as a kid at toddler group, he never hit anyone ever

I think you have a tricky situation. I am not sure what I would do here.

First of all do report it at work, then tell your dh. If work doesn't sort it out then you can't go on working there with the bloke doing this to you anyway.

Do you have a union, how about going to the drs? You need to have it on record that this man is doing this to you.

Try and think about what this bloke could intimidate a younger female into etc.

Sorry not much help

I would make a formal complaint at work immediately.

In writing, stating every inappropriate comment, and when this creep touched you.

I would tell my husband, because I know he would be supportive, and help me to sort out this problem by being loving and understanding.

But I have never been scared of telling my DH anything. He is not volatile, aggressive or violent.

I can't really advise you what to do re your husband.

But I do know that it would be unhelpful to the situation for your DH to threaten or injure this man.

So if this is a likely reaction, I may possibly deal with it via work first, and tell him once the man has been disciplined.

But you must take steps to stop this work colleague doing this to you.

Good luck.

poor you, this must be really hard.

firstly, keep a diary, times, dates and what happened, you will need it.

I would report it to your manager AND personnel, and then tell your husband.

If he is volatile, you can then show him that it is being handled at work, and they are sorting it out.

take care and good luck

you poor thing.

I had a boyfriend like this who, I know, would have walked into my work and thumped the bloke. - would never have told him becasue of this.

I do think you need ro tralk to your line manager though

You have to tell someone at work . I had someone harass me at work. I remember one occasion I was a bit late leaving ,the managers were in a meeting and while dropping off his weekly sales stats he collared me on my own . A director saw me just as I was about to scarper afterwards and I must have looked more shaken than I thought, as even he asked if I were ok. Eventually I reported it to my manager who had a quiet word with the bloke. As it was he was sacked a little later for unrelated issues although I'm sure he didn't believe that. Still makes me feel uneasy , about 15 years on

it's really important you make a complaint at work. It's hard specially when it's something like this but it's so important - this man may have done this before, or may do it again, and it's crucial someone bites the bullet and complains, formally.

I would also tell DH, you need his support, but tell him it is being dealt with at work, maybe that way he will be less likely to attempt to resolve it himself?

i would start looking for a new job

I agree that you need to deal with it at work FIRST.

first thing, join a union.
Definitely a good idea to keep a diary of all events.
Report it to your line manager.

I'd see how that goes before you even think of telling your DH. Infact I'd be quite inclined not to tell him, because it doesn't sound like he would be any support at all, he would just add to the problem and your stress. This might need to be dealt with only by you and at work. Of course you need support but in the first instance seek that from a union and your manager; people who could actually help you.

Best of luck; it sounds horrible.

This is sexual harrassment and your manager has a legal responsibility to deal with it.

Speak out, I didn't and years later it still haunts me that I let him get away with it.

Do confide in your dh - that's the kind of thing he's there for. You have NOTHING to feel guilty or ashamed of.

i was wondering if your H would blame you for the harassment you are getting, if hes jealous. Jealousy can make a man act very irrationally. Would he think you had encouraged it? Im reading this and feeling uneasy for you if your H is volatile and violent with unpredictable temper?

You need to talk to your HR department and record every time the man says something inappropriate or touches you inappropriately in a diary so you have evidence to back up your claim.

I would certainly tell dh because, as you say, you need his support. If you do decide to change jobs, you'll need to explain that to him anyway. If I were you, I'd warn him that you have something which you find very upsetting that you need to talk to him about and you need him to stay calm so that you don't get even more upset.

Tell HR and make it official. Then tell DH BUT also tell him that HR are dealing with it and if DH gets involved it will mess things up for you at work.

Yes,this must be handled via harrassment procedures at work. As for DH, is he likely to give you a hard time for not telling him sooner?

Start logging each and every incident. Tell your line manager now - no, don't just tell, complain to your line manager that yuo are being harrassed. tell him how long it has been going on - but also say that as of [today]/whenever you do start, you have been logging all incidents.

I know he is well liked - but that doesn't excuse what he is doing. And who is to know that he hasn't hassled other new recruits in the past.

Let him make two more suggestive comments/actions towards you (rejected by you of course) - and then let him know that you have already started logging all such incidents and that yuo are again formally requesting that he desist, treat yuo with the porfessionalism that you deserve, as the matter will be taekn further becasue you have the right to work in an environment free of such harassment.

I owuld leave it a bit before telling your dh, given what you have sadi about how he might react. Put yourself back in a bit more control and then yuo can tell him truthfully that it's being addressed throguh the formal channels at work, that any further involvement from him would only interere - but that yuo do want some emotional support from him, as it hasn't been a nice time for you.

And the reason he is targeting you is because you are new, therefore vulnerable and won't want to 'rock the boat', and may feel there is no point complaining about someone etablished and well-liked. Exactly the (very natural) reaction you have had.

I would be prepared to bet he has done this before to new employees, lots of whom have left rather than make a formal complaint, and he will continue to do it.

I hope you can manage to make a formal complaint and get the protection you and others need from this man.

This sort of thing happened to me over 20 years ago in my first office job. He was the office manager and was well known as a sex pest but everyone was afraid to report him (no such thing as sexual harrassment in those days). Eventually he cornered me in the corridor and started feeling me up - I grabbed his had and bent his fingers back really hard. When he complained it hurt I said - good and if you ever try it on again I'll break them.
Guess what - he never did.
But those were the days when you couldn't report these things because noone would take you seriously. You do need to keep a log, write down as many incidents as you can remember with dates and times and potential witnesses and go to HR.
I would tell my DH but I know he wouldn't react violently - I kind of think I wouldn't tell him for them moment if you fear his reaction would make things worse.

my dh would probably go and sort him out if i told him, maybe try and sort it at work first before you tell him. Even if he is well liked im sure this wont stop any action being taken, also in cases like yours its probably not the first tim hes done it, good luck

I really hope that your employer deals with this properly. But just in case they dont, i woudl start looking for another job now. I know of too many cases where the complainant loses out, especially when you are new and he is a long standing employee. It shoudln't make any difference though.....

tell him to buy a ski mask first.

I hope you've kept a diary with dates and places etc, its always wise.

You need to stop this man now!

Tell your DH. Also tell work.

do all the work/harassment thing but tell h FIRST. explain it all, and why you kept quiet etc. he will be annoyed of course, but with the bloke at work more than you. then just with the bloke. is his job to look after you and he cant do it if he doesnt know theres a problem. hope you sort it out quickly.