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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband made arrangements to see a prostitute

41 replies

Lostforwords123 · 22/07/2019 18:36

am 2 weeks away from my 1st wedding anniversary and I just happened to track my husband during the day (he recently had some health issues so it’s left me anxious). He was at a hotel! A few days later I had the chance to look at his phone and I could see that sure enough he had been texted a hotel name etc.
I confronted him and it’s just all so weird. He admitted that yes he had arranged to see one but that he didn’t go through with it (I don’t believe him) and that he has used them in the past but not whilst with me (I don’t believe him). I was upset and I feel broken hearted to my core - this guy is my absolute best friend but I just only feel angry off and on. Most days I’m going about my business as usual.
I’m wondering if I just have such a low opinion of myself. The sex side hurts but I’m also angry that he would have effectively been using our money to pay for this.
I have no one to talk to. My family and friends would all hate him and I don’t want that. I get on really well with his mum and she would be livid but I guess there are some things mums don’t want to know about their sons.

I’ve made it really clear that if he makes any arrangements like this again it’s over but I think he will just get better at hiding it now.

OP posts:
SMellisa · 22/07/2019 18:41

I'm sorry OP. He will do it again. Just make it more difficult to get caught. You say he has used them in the past before you, he will keep doing it.

He has shown his true colour to you. I would not forgive. Thanks

anothernewusername1 · 22/07/2019 18:45

OP I think you know what you should do. But it seems you're not ready to make that step yet.

I think it's unlikely that he arranged the meeting and got to the hotel and then got 'cold feet'.

You need to work out what your bottom line is. What does he need to do before you leave him?

You're one year into a marriage and he arranging to meet with prostitutes, you must read Mumsnet and see the countless women who have been in this situation but they are years deep into marriages with children etc.

I say leave now, it's logistically going to be the easiest time before you get more joint things with him/DC etc. I feel everyone else on this thread will say the same. However as I said, you already seem to be taking this on the chin and letting it go.

You need to have a serious think about what you want. You know you'll have a thread full of LTBs - but what's the point if you're going to accept this life.

Good luck.

AllFourOfThem · 22/07/2019 18:46

I also would not forgive and would be looking at divorce proceedings now.

Hanbam · 22/07/2019 18:55

Been there done that, got approx 6 T-shirts. He did go though with it, he will do it again. It’s a shitter. I wish I hadn’t pissed around for so long and listened to his bullshit promises. Don’t be back on mumsnet saying the same thing in a couple of years time. Don’t let this become something that erodes your trust and possibly your confidence. You’ve got the opportunity to get out, If i could go back in time and leave with the opportunities I would. It doesn’t truly improve the coverups get better.

Shoxfordian · 22/07/2019 19:41

Why is not your ex husband? Divorce him

thepinkp · 22/07/2019 19:46

Please walk away whilst you still can. The amount of times I read the story 'he claims he didn't go through with it' I'll echo what others have said, once the trust is gone it only destroys you. Don't do this to yourself, take it from someone who sadly knows how much it hurts 2 yrs on.

category12 · 22/07/2019 19:46

Dump him, he's a regular punter, he won't stop. You can't trust him and he's not your best friend.

MsDogLady · 22/07/2019 19:49

Lost, I am very sorry. Your husband did have sex with the prostitute and he will do so again.

You are underreacting. This man is not your best friend. He has lied, cheated, and jeopardized your health. You will need an STI test.

Don’t protect him and his dirty secret. Tell your families and then tell him to leave. Otherwise, you will have a life filled with mistrust, anxiety and uncertainty.

You should consider individual counseling to boost your self-esteem.

PicsInRed · 22/07/2019 19:59

He did it, he's doing it and he'll do it again and again and again and again and again until you lose your grip on reality from the gaslighting.

Get out now whilst you are young and childless. Finding out now is an absolute Gift from God. Please take it from those of us who know.

stanski · 22/07/2019 20:00

Run

yogafailure · 22/07/2019 20:02

Yeah run...to get an STI check. Then run to a lawyer.

Paramicha · 22/07/2019 20:05

Leave him to his prostitutes OP, he'll continue doing it, it's who is is. Sad At least you have been married for just a year, you will find someone who deserves you.

aweedropofsancerre · 22/07/2019 20:08

hotel, prostitutes and its only 1 yr since you were married and your worried about upsetting his mum. Dear god woman raise your standards...this is just bloody shocking

53rdWay · 22/07/2019 20:09

Your absolute best best best case scenario is that he never does it again, but you spend the next ten or twenty years worrying that he will, worrying whenever he's out, finding ways to track where he's going, arguing with him because you can't trust him, thinking about all the sordid details of what he did when.

And that's your BEST case scenario. It is very unlikely, because he clearly isn't even telling you the truth now.

I know it'll seem like a huge, huge upset and hassle to leave him, but you'd be saving yourself pain.

wigglybluelines · 22/07/2019 20:10

Please, walk away. It will never be the same again. He has poisoned your relationship and staying in it will poison you, try as you might to fix it or pretend it isn't.

Would you do this to him? Of course not. I'm sorry to say, he doesn't feel the same way about you, as you do about him, not where trust is concerned. He's happy to lie, cheat and use your money to do it, just so he can have an grubby orgasm with a woman who's only doing it because he's paid her and very likely will be scarred for life by her "work" as a prostitute. Did you know more prostitutes get PTSD than soldiers? Does he care about these women? No. Does he care about you? Not nearly enough.

Please run, you're worth a lot more than this.

curtainpole12 · 22/07/2019 20:15

Ok even if he didn't do it would you ever trust him again? He PLANNED to do it, so even him not going through with it he was actually planning to?

Do I think he did go through with it? Yes I do

Regardless, I imagine you won't ever trust him again

Do yourselve a favour and leave him. If not your life will be filled full of anxiety and stress and mis trust, that is no way to live

Xx

MadeForThis · 22/07/2019 20:19

What's the likelihood that the only time he has slept with a prostitute during your relationship you happen to catch him?

He is probably doing this in a regular basis. Especially as he is happy to admit he has done it in the past. It's his normal.

Do you want it to be yours?

CalmdownJanet · 22/07/2019 20:50

Well I personally couldn't forgive this but even if you could there has been no consequences at all, surely you should at least tell him he needs to leave for a few nights to give you space, see a councillor or something but to do nothing at all? And I wouldn't go protecting him from his mother either.

You also need to get yourself tested.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 22/07/2019 21:35

Leave. Don't stay and wait for kids. It will eat you up, you'll never trust him and your self esteem will plummet. A year married and he's this much of a jerk already. He's not worth it.

MyAppleTree · 22/07/2019 21:39

It really doesn’t matter if he did or didn’t do it. He thought about it, arranged it, and has done it before.

However miserable you think you would be leaving him, that will be short lived and you will move on and be happy.

Stay and this misery is your life until death.

Not even a question.

C0untDucku1a · 22/07/2019 21:47

End your marriage. He wont change. do you want to be married to a man who buys sex with prostitutes? Because that’s the choice: Divorce, or a husband who has sex with prostitutes.

MMmomDD · 22/07/2019 21:47

One year married anniversary....
There is no hope there for any happy ending, OP....
In some way, if you said you’ve been married for years, and sex has dried up completely, and one of the spouses seeked it on the side - then at least one can understand, if not accept.
But a newlywed?

If you aren’t enough for him at such an early stage, what would happen after many more years; children and weight gain?

PurpleGlitter1983 · 22/07/2019 21:47

Nc for this.

I worked as an escort from the adultwork site for a good while. No guy ever got cold feet. Not. A. One. It's an addictive habit.

Babdoc · 22/07/2019 21:54

OP, a man who views women as pieces of meat to buy for cash, who uses their bodies as receptacles, then comes home and lies to you about it, risking your health with potential HIV, hepatitis, syphilis and multi drug resistant gonorrhoea... is most assuredly NOT someone you should remain married to!
Please listen to all the PPs who are telling you to walk. And sod what his mother thinks about it. She raised this shit show of a man. She ought to know what he’s like.

Hidingtonothing · 23/07/2019 02:41

I'm so sorry OP, you must be devastated. I couldn't get past this, for lots of reasons but one stands out, I couldn't live with the constant worry about my sexual health. Not all STI's are prevented by condoms and that thought would be enough for me to never want him near me again, even without the emotional betrayal on top. You are worth so much more than a man who could do this Flowers