No family support

[acornfed]

I am a mum of three young kids

Over the last 2 years I have, through professional help after a near total psychological collapse, I finally pieced together I have been the family scapegoat and severely emotionally abused throughout my childhood and adulthood by my family of origin which is a highly toxic narcissistic unit.

The realisation was devastating and I can only relate it to grief. I have had to walk away from my family of origin and the concept that I was loved and respected. The truth is I have never been loved or respected in that family unit.

To protect my emotional health and that of my family and walk away was the hardest thing I have ever done. Of course I am being blamed and smeared for doing so by my siblings - feeding into the narrative that "I am bad."

Anyone else been on this situation? Does it ever get better. I feel a huge sense of emptiness and loss. I look around me and all these families on trips with grandparents and the happy social media photos of people on extended family holidays makes me feel so upset I don't have that.

My husband is great. Ever supportive.

I am reaching out for support on this fora as I find it's a painfully isolating experience that few understand.

@acornfed

I'm not very good at links but try this one...

"But we took you to Stately Homes" - survivors of dysfunctional and toxic families http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3588850-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-survivors-of-dysfunctional-and-toxic-families

Hopefully, I'll see you on there. It's a safe space and you will get all support you need.

You will only write this once? Who are you, my headteacher? Don't be insufferable.

Are you one of us, Attila, or do you exploit obvious vulnerability to tout your opinions as fact without sharing from your own experience. As I said, please share your sources so we can have the choice to read them ourselves and draw our own conclusions.

I will say this only once: I misread your post. So incensed was I that you should wade in with your opinions stated as facts about a subject that is so difficult and about which you appear to set yourself up as the expert. I find this approach offensive and dangerous.

Springydaff, this is meant to be a support thread for OP. She has already pleaded for this to be a safe space. I do not know why you are ignoring this. Please reflect on your posts which are now doing absolutely nothing to help OP's obvious distress.

I am so concerned about your insensitivity that I have reported your posts.

I just cannot deal with anymore conflict. I've come here on my very last legs. Supportive posts only please

OP I could have written your post. Except without the supportive husband. I'm in the process of a separation from the father of my children because my severe low self esteem (from a lifetime of being the scapegoat and being subjected to narcissistic abuse) has meant I settled into a relationship with someone who also emotionally abuses me and it has been a painful realisation.

I am staying with my parents for a week before moving to a new house and as soon as I stepped into their house I felt my anxiety levels shoot up. It breaks my heart to think seeing my family should be a time of happiness and relaxation, but for me it is the opposite. I am completely on edge and conscious that I could be sprung upon and attacked at any moment for the smallest thing.

I feel your pain, I really do. I have no one to talk to about this and am just slowly unravelling it all over time and would love to chat to people who understand. If you want to PM me for support and to share experiences I would be more than happy to chat.

@Telescopic678

I am so sorry to hear this. You are also going through a tough time. It might help you too to head over to the Stately Homes thread (there's a link in my previous post). There's bound to be others on there who have faced similar and can offer insights that might help. You will certainly get support. 💐

Springydaff, I’m a retired doctor who also had to go no contact with my abusive parents.
I can vouch that Attila is a long standing poster who always gives excellent, thoughtful advice on abusive relationships, whether parental or partners. I often go to post on a thread and find she has already made all the points I felt were required, so I can only echo her advice.
I don’t think you are helping OP by projecting your anger onto Attila - it’s rather hijscking the thread and likely to add to OP’s distress. She’s had enough conflict in her life, by the sound of it - she needs calm support and validation here, not a fight.
If you’d like some support yourself, we’ll gladly do what we can- I’m sure that goes for Attila too, and the many other MNers who are happy to offer comfort.

That's exactly what I need. My chest literally fees like it's bursting with all the lies I have heard about myself dating back to how I was a child.

My sister has acted horribly and ruined so many family occasions and somehow she manages to project it all on to me, that somehow I am to blame. Not only that but somehow manage to manipulate my Golden Child brother and my Mother to also believe the latest smear. It's like they are all standing there shoulder to shoulder sneering at me and I am just on my own waving my white flag saying "guys can you see this is not me? Can you see it?"

Does anyone believe the truth will out? I have been forced to walk away from my entire FOO due to this behaviour and I am still portrayed as the bad one.

If the truth never outs how does one get closure on the devastating injustice of the smear campaigns and the lies?

OP, most toxic families never admit they were wrong. They believe their own narrative, and are too narcissistic to see anyone else’s point of view.
It would destroy them to realise what total shits they’ve been, so they stay comfortably in denial. It’s much easier to blame you, their designated scapegoat, than to face responsibility for their actions.
We don’t usually get the closure you want - an apology from the family and their admission of being wrong.
But we can achieve closure in other ways.
One way, with the help of therapy, is to stop giving these people headspace.
Accept that they are shits, but you are no longer going to play their game or let them affect you. Walk away, and drop them completely from your life, as you would shake dust from your shoes.
I found it helped to write a letter, detailing all my grievances with my parents. I actually sent it to them. Some abused people just write it as catharsis, but don’t send it.
My abusive parents were furious and tried to claim to the rest of the family that it was all lies and I was ungrateful etc. I didn’t care, because I never spoke to them again and didn’t even go to their funerals.
My sister did go to their funerals as it helped give her closure. She would have gladly danced on their graves, but they were cremated! She told the undertaker to throw their ashes on the street, and he said he “understood” - I’m sure he’d met many relatives of deceased abusers.
OP, sod your horrible family. Focus on yourself, on your own needs, your own life. Have a think about what would best help you to move on and recover, what kinds of closure ARE still possible.
One final thing - as a Christian, I regard God as my heavenly parent. He makes a damn sight better job of it than my biological ones! It might help you to know that you too are loved unconditionally, and parented by God.
My best wishes for your much happier future, OP, and my prayers that you are able to finally free yourself from the toxic legacy of your family. God bless.

Thank you so much.

The bit that I find so hard is trying to not give them headspace. They are in me, I can hear them in my head all day. I am imagining them all talking about me behind my back. I keep thinking of imaged reconciliations and show downs that are never going to happen. I feel stuck.

I prefer to be alone as I am with friends I feel even more lonely as they seem so happy and normal.

How do I get past this. I have a therapist , I have a DH (who is being driven mad by my ruminating) and I have three kids who need me. Why can't I just get a bloody grip?
Any practical tips ?

Acornfed, when the nagging critical voice in my head got too much, these are the things I did to cope.

I'd put on cheerful music and sing along to it (even though I was feeling far from cheerful) smile I was engaged in repetitive but productive tasks like chopping a mountain of veg and batch cooking. It was purely a distraction technique and you could always tell the state of my mind by the state of my freezer (usually full to bursting at the worst time). Exercise would work just as well though. It took my mind off things.

I would scribble all my negative thoughts and memories in a journal. I didn't make any attempts to write it in any order. I'd just write it down as the child-me remembered it - including all of the hurt and anger and unfairness. Getting it out of my head and onto paper calmed me somehow. Then I'd put the scribbling to one side for a couple of days until I felt calm enough to go over it and put it into perspective.

I'd go for a long long walk, a brisk walk, and concentrate on my breathing.

When none of those worked, I retired to bed and cried. I think with these sorts of parent relationships, the adult-child (a-k-a the normal reasonable one) does the bulk of the grieving in advance of the parent's death, as part of processing the loss of the parent you wanted and deserved, vs the parent you actually got.

In time, the voice in my head started shutting up. I no longer pictured reconciliations that would never happen. I became calmer, happier, felt more in control. So these are the things that worked for me. They may not work for you (especially with three young children to care for!) but I offer them in the hope that they might.

I also would echo Babdoc's advice. For your own sake, you have to let go. Put yourself, your DH, and above all your children, first.

Smile? I meant "while"!

Smiles will come back. They just need a bit of encouragement!

“Internalised voices” are very common, OP. Your family have criticised you so hard and for so long, it becomes programmed into you, so that even when they’re not there, they are. You have “internalised” their narrative and still hear it.
I was the same. I heard my father’s mantra of “You’re hopeless, helpless and useless”, inside my head whenever I made a minor mistake or was just feeling down.
There are CBT techniques for fixing this. One is the “ cognitive stop” - your therapist may recommend others too. Basically, you choose a phrase to say to yourself, either aloud (preferable) or inside your head (eg if in public), whenever the voices start their crap.
It needs to be something short, sharp and powerful. My sister used “Oh do fuck off!”. I used “Shut the fuck up!”.
Once you’ve cut into the narrative like that, you replace the voice by substituting your own powerful self affirming mantra, and reciting it several times to reinforce it. You should practice it regularly even when the voices are silent, to program it in nice and firmly.
My therapist gave me “I am loving, I am loved, I am able”, to counter the negative triplet from my father.
It all sounds like hippy woo shit, but I can vouch that it works!
Discuss it, and any other treatment strategies, with your therapist, so you have a plan for dealing with it.
Good luck!

Thank you. The sick thing is is that I realise I was very codependent on my narc mother. If I felt approved I felt loved and happy. If she was cross with me for not doing as she wanted I felt empty and hollow and worthless.

DH said her grip on me was so powerful the need for her approval superseded the needs of my DH and DC. If she discarded me I would I bend myself out of shape to win her affections again. Which would work for a bit.

Because I only felt validated by her I don't have any tools to feel worthwhile by myself which I need to work on.

I made the mistake a few months ago of telling this once to my NM and Narc sister to make them understand why I needed boundaries . They laughed in my face and rolled their eyes. They told me I was mad. It was crushing .

But despite them doing their worst, you’re not crushed, OP! You’re seeing through their abuse, recognising it for what it is, seeing a therapist for help, discussing it here on MN. All very healthy signs of resistance.
You need to give yourself credit for how far you’ve come already, and accept that this is a long haul - there’s no magic fast track solution, it will take time and effort with your therapist.
Be kind with yourself, regard your self esteem as a work in progress.
Praise yourself for something each day - even if that is just for managing to get out of bed and spend another day away from your ghastly mother. Surviving another day without needing her permission or approval. It’s all good stuff, and it’s all healing.
Don’t beat yourself up for not being completely “over it” yet, either OP. Anyone who’s been through this knows it can take years, but we get there in the end. You’re doing well. Remind yourself of that!

Babdoc thank you for you validation and support .Thank you for listening.

How to handle my 80 year old, frail dad sending me increasingly desperate emails to accept an apology from my mum "so we can be a happy family again.?"

I have already asked him for space. I haven't spelt it out to him about NC. I can't do that to him he's a sad old man who has been bullied/tortured emotionally by my mother for 50 years.
He is so blinded by the lies my sister tells him he believes her when she says she is not responsible for any of my decision to go NC

He urges me to keep in touch with my siblings (but of course they haven't contacted me.)

Please advise me the FOG is setting In

So sorry you are having to deal with this @acornfed. I don’t have the same experience as a family scapegoat but was estranged from my father for a long time who is pretty emotionally twisted and I was portrayed as the bad guy to the wider family all who accepted this as the truth. I’m very low contact now. I went through grief like you describe and a sense of injustice that everyone thought I was then villain. Time has been a healer.
So tough that your dad is putting this pressure on you and you have to keep your resolve as you know there can’t be a happy family. It’s either no contact which extends to him too and means you shut down his means of contacting you, you could try to arrange contact with him on his own although you know this will test you as you will get pressure from him to fall back into line. The second option is a terrible one and you know it.
You have to do what’s best for you and it sounds as though that’s been conditioned out of you.

Personal opinion here - heartbreaking as it is, your dad is part of the toxic mess. He hasn’t got your back here and he is drawing you in to take more abuse. Shut it down (with a final polite email to him if you want) then block and try to forget. Hopefully like with me, time and distance will help you.

OP, I'm half way through Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. It's good in that it explores every imaginable dynamic - how siblings react, how parents react, how you react. I recommend you look at it.

Not sure why @AttilaTheMeerkat is being spat at for sane and kindly-intentioned advice. I agree, I have an absolute fear and horror of being like my parents. It's a source of anxiety constantly and I am vigilant about it but still worry about what I might be doing unconsciously.

MoviesT

Thank you. I know you are right. I am I denial about my dad. I want him to come good for me but I know he can't. He can't see any of it. He has been manipulated by two very powerful toxic forces, my sister and my mother.

He buys into the fact that if I just relent, if I just accommodate all will be ok.

I just hoped, prayed I could keep him. Just one of my FOO. But I know I have to let him go too. As strange as this may sound to some I hope I see him in the next life and we can be at peace together

Hand hold please.

I am feeling really low about NC today. I keep going over it just wondering if I could have played it differently.
I feel full of angst. I've been NC for 4 months from my siblings and I've not heard a word from them asking what's up.
Horribly heartbreaking, head wrecking conversation with my dad asking me to turn the page. My mum screaming in the background full of rage "ask her why she won't accept an apology this time!!"

If I am supposed to be walking to a brighter future for me and my family it doesn't feel like it. I know it's early days but it still feels unnatural and wrong. I feel like I have made us more isolated and pressurised as a couple. There is no "friends like family" near us. We have friends for sure but never anyone I think I could make as a substitute family.

How is your relationship with DH's family? Over the years, I've just shifted allegiance. DH's family isn't perfect but they are kindly and unneurotic and adore DC so they have becoem 'family' and my parents are very much at arm's length.

Seriously, read Toxic Parents because she says, do speak your mind (you did - I've never yet had courage) but don't expect them to understand or sympathise. The act of stating your case is brave and liberating. Acknowledging how you felt and feel is what is important not gaining their recognition. But how they react will pretty much indicate to you how far they deserve to be in your life.

Thanks, unfortunately my husband's parents aren't close to him and I don't really see them much.

I am endless trying to work out if I could have done things differently and wondering what they are saying about me.
I imagine this is part of the grief process.

My elderly dad urged me to think about my kids' psychological health..
If I am NC I am damaging my kids. What a thing to lay at my door

Hi acorn. I remember your post from the SH thread. You're grieving and it's hard and sad. But by finally stepping out of your scapegoat role, you are allowing new roles to start growing for you. You've closed the door on your dysfunctional family now you get to find your tribe. It'll take a while and you'll pick some wrong uns due to your programming. But finding people who actually like you is a huge relief and balm.
I remember years before I finally went nc trying to initiate activities or anything with my family and it was always wrong. Often had me humiliated and put down . Eventually I realised it wasnt about what I did or how I did it. But it was the fact that it was me doing it, that made it wrong. So often I found myself fighting back tears when a suggestion or anything would just go wrong. I'd either get ripped to shreds just for suggesting it. Or they'd go along but lots of eye rolling and no uncertain communication that I was ridiculous/boring/ lame. Almost worse than not doing it at all.

Nowadays the relationship around me are healthy. We dont always do what I want as my friends have other likes. But we communicate and we're nice about it. Eg if someone says no I dont really want to do x with you. They also often say thanks for asking me. We find things to do that suit us both. Its respectful and kind.

Ask them to go into therapy so they can change how they relate to you for good if they really want to make amends. You'll have your answer.
Dont feel bad about protecting your children from them.
Keep breathing though the anxiety spikes. Make room in your life for people who can actually love you