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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Abuse

31 replies

Iwanttochangeme · 22/07/2019 10:22

Hi all
I'm not new, been here since 2014.
I'm going write down my situation with my husband, and I've read plenty of similar life stories as mine and it all ended with LTB. So I know mine will be LTB too.
So for past 10 years on and off I've suffered physical abuse, pushing, hitting, punching, kicking, hitting with objects (shoes, remotes, laundry baskets) name calling. smallest argument can end up violently. He can't control his anger. I do pull him up on his behaviour and he gets angry. This weekend the fight started like this. I had food poisoning vomiting since Saturday 2am till 8am. Not once he came or asked if I need anything. I asked why and the argument began. He told me I was faking and I said I didn't, he got angry slapped me. Today I went to talk again he got angry hit me with my boots several times.
I don't think I can continue writing this, it feels too much to take. On top of it I lost my mum suddenly in April for sepsis. I just don't know what to do or say

OP posts:
KittenMittens1 · 22/07/2019 10:25

Oh OP! Flowers

you need to get far far away from this man!!!

Call 0808 2000 247 The 24hr freephone National Domestic Violence Helpline.

they will advise you how to keep yourself safe and how to get out!

Original poster
Iwanttochangeme · 22/07/2019 10:28

I'm scared to get help. I'm just lost. I can't think straight.

OP posts:
KittenMittens1 · 22/07/2019 10:30

Have you spoken to anyone about this? family? Friends?

you need to call that number, they wont make you do anything they will just help and advise you. or even if you just need someone to talk to.

buttertoasty · 22/07/2019 10:31

You need to call for help and get out.

Original poster
Iwanttochangeme · 22/07/2019 10:35

It's just not that simple. I've read many stores here. All these 10 years we fight, he hits after few days we make up. It's a continuous circle. He doesn't even apologise I make it up, I don't know why I'm so weak. It sounds pathetic. Only reason is I adored him.

OP posts:
Desmondo2016 · 22/07/2019 10:35

Oh lovely lovely lady this is far far worse abuse than most people post about on here. Please please seek help (women's aid), keep posting on here and just try try try to dig as deep as you can and find the courage to get as far away as possible. Focus on the life you could be living, free from abuse xx

Original poster
Iwanttochangeme · 22/07/2019 10:37

I'm off to work. Only thing that gives me sanity. Thank you for all replying. It gives me hope. Hope someone cares

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 22/07/2019 15:24

do you rent together or is it his house. I notice you say I adored him in the past tense, so hopefully now you want to leave. Wishing you strength, you've reached out and that is good.

Butterflyone1 · 22/07/2019 15:31

You need to leave. I know it's not easy but this is no life for you. Do you have friends/family who could help you? Are children involved? This is not a fair life for you.

Thingsdogetbetter · 22/07/2019 19:57

Small steps. Don't think about what might happen in the future. Don't think about a year's time, or a month's, or a week's. Just the first small step of phoning women's aid or the domestic violence helpline. Just that. That one tiny little step.

You're not weak, you've been trained. You've been conditioned to accept this shit. This didn't happen over night. It's slowly, slowly crept up on you . Think boiling frog. He's sucked out your strength. You can get it back. It's not gone, just in hiding. But you have to force yourself to take that first step.

You might not be ready to believe it, but a fuck lot of people care. The whole of mumsnet for a start!! Every single one of us.

Dragongirl10 · 22/07/2019 20:23

WE care op , that is why we reply, because we hate to think of you being bullied and abused so horribly....

Please start to imagine how much happier your life would be without him in it.

You have a job you could easily have your freedom.

I am so sorry to hear about your mum x

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 22/07/2019 20:43

Your mum's sudden death may have brought home to you how miserable you are I can't imagine he's been any support. Think how much your mum would hate to know how he's treating you. If you do LTB you'll owe part of your freedom to your mum.

You're not weak. He's spent years training you to accept how he treats you. The cycle of nice/abusive makes you desperate to get past the abuse and back to the nice part. If he'd treated you as he does now when you first got together you would never have stayed. No, he's done it over years.

Ringing the helpline doesn't commit you to anything. Yes, you need to LTB but you don't have to do it this minute. Keep posting, lean on us, and go from there. My heart goes out to you. Flowers

Rosielily · 22/07/2019 20:54

So very sorry to read this, but you've made a very good start by posting on here.

Can you tell us more about yourself, so we can offer you the best support?

For example:
How old are you?
Which country do you live in?
Do you have children, and if so how old are they?
What is your financial position? Bank accounts, credit cards, debts etc?
What is your housing position - rented, mortgages, who owns it?

Above all keep on posting here.

Have you called the police, ever in relation to his violence?

Original poster
Iwanttochangeme · 22/07/2019 20:58

I'm finding a bit hard to type as my knuckles hurt. I will do this slowly

OP posts:
Original poster
Iwanttochangeme · 22/07/2019 21:03

I live in UK
House on mortgage
Married
I've never called the police as the attacks were never random it happens when we argue and I think I push him to the edge so he hits me. Part of me always thinks that I should've kept calm till he calms down. And these would've never happened. That's what he says it's my fault that he hits

OP posts:
Original poster
Iwanttochangeme · 22/07/2019 21:06

He says I provoke him. He says knowing that he has anger issues I should be calm.

OP posts:
Desmondo2016 · 22/07/2019 21:07

You do realise they're just classic abuser lines right? He hits you because hes an abusive criminal.

Original poster
Iwanttochangeme · 22/07/2019 21:09

I have booked a flight to spend sometime with my dad. I will open up to him. I'm going to take it from there. It will be hard for him take this as I know we both are still grieving.

OP posts:
justthecat · 22/07/2019 21:10

You do not push him to the edge!
He is abusing you, as previously said, ring women’s aid. It’s five minutes out of your day, they ask nothing from you. It’s just a first chat.
Make the one thing you do today/ tmrw , just that 💐

Rosielily · 22/07/2019 21:14

Glad you've got your dad to go to. Where does he live? And do you have any children, and if so will they go with you?

Original poster
Iwanttochangeme · 22/07/2019 21:15

No I don't have kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iwanttochangeme · 22/07/2019 21:17

No I don't have kids.

OP posts:
Lllot5 · 22/07/2019 21:18

You need to leave him. You know this. We are not telling you anything you don’t know. Go to your dads and stay there.

Original poster
Iwanttochangeme · 22/07/2019 21:21

I know lLot5 but sometimes I feel I'm so used to this that I can't see what's right or wrong anymore

OP posts:
Drogonssmile · 22/07/2019 21:25

Thanks OP I'm so sorry I have no further advice than what is above; people do care and you do not deserve this disgusting treatment.
Get to your dad's; grieve together, support each other and please, please leave that abusive excuse for a human being.

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