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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I need to talk

41 replies

NoMoreMuddyPuddles · 22/07/2019 10:02

I don’t feel like I have anyone to talk to in real life. It’s not that I don’t have people I am close to. I do. I think I’m just scared to say the words out loud.

Things between my husband and I are not good. They haven’t been for a long time. We have been married for six years and we have two girls, aged 4 and 2.

We get on ok. We don’t argue much, especially not in front of the girls. We generally rub along fine. Nothing has happened. I just don’t feel much for him any more.

I feel angry with him for a lot of stuff. That I live far away from my family and married him on the understanding that we might move back sometime - it never happened and it’s since become apparent that he never really had any intention of moving. DD1 starts a good school this year and she’s happy here so it’s too late now really. I accept we live in a great place for our girls but I feel really cheated too. And lonely.

He’s a good dad, the girls adore him and he’s really involved and hands on. I wish he was a little more patient sometimes but noting that gives me any cause for concern. Our girls are amazing and we are so lucky. But our marriage is crap. I know he’s unhappy too but if I try to raise it with him he just puts it down to the stress of having two young children and hard jobs and kind of dismisses it. He doesn’t really take me seriously. So we have stopped talking and now I feel like what’s the point.

We are like housemates raising children. I think that’s the crux of it.

I have thought about leaving but I just can’t do it to the girls. I can’t take them away from him they adore him and it would devastate them. I thought I could just live this way and it would be fine but it’s really getting me down.

OP posts:
NoMoreMuddyPuddles · 22/07/2019 10:05

He knows how lonely and left out I feel. My family are close knit and I’m on the outside now. He doesn’t care. He’s selfish.

OP posts:
NoMoreMuddyPuddles · 22/07/2019 11:42

Anyone?

OP posts:
Annasgirl · 22/07/2019 11:53

Didn't want to read and run. OP would you be able to move back close to your family if you split up? Do you work? Can you find a job closer to your family?

I know he might be a good dad, but honestly if you are this unhappy you cannot live your life like this. If you got a terminal illness in the morning, what would you do for yourself for the last year of your life? This will show you what you really value. That is how you should be living your life now. If you are happier your girls will be happier. My friend split with her DH and life is so much better for her and her DC - both her exhausted and her are so much nicer to each other now and the kids are happy that the parents are happy. Living with low level resentment and anger is deeply unsettling for children and can lead to long term issues - I know this as I grew up in a home like that. I think kids would prefer to live with one parent who was really happy and move between houses than live with deeply unhappy parents in a house seething with silent resentment.

NoMoreMuddyPuddles · 22/07/2019 11:57

Thank you for replying.

No I don’t think I would move back. I’d want to, but I don’t think moving the girls away from their dad is in their best interests. I’ll just have to live with that.

I just want to do what’s best for them. I don’t want to disrupt their lovely wee lives they are happy children. I feel like it would be selfish to split us all up for my own means. Thing is I don’t have any interest in meeting someone else, blended families etc. I don’t want that for them. I just feel like my husband is a negative presence in my life.

OP posts:
NoMoreMuddyPuddles · 22/07/2019 11:57

I do work, yes. Part time at the moment but I have a good career with good earning potential.

OP posts:
Annasgirl · 22/07/2019 12:00

But you don't need to meet someone else. Personally I can't understand why people rush into new relationships. You just need to raise your girls separate from your husband. That means you split up and agree custody. Life will be easier for you all as you all will be happier - my friend's youngest was only 2 when they split and the child does not remember any other life. It will be easier now. There is no perfect time but you really should look at what you need to be happy and content in life. And staying in an unhappy relationship for the sake of the kids is not healthy and does you no good in the long run.

Also, I think if you redid your heading as a question about staying with DH it would get more responses.

Dia12 · 22/07/2019 12:01

Sorry to hear you're going through this, loneliness is a horrible place to be in and it can be all consuming. Don't let it mask the wonderful things you do have. I know it may be easier said than done, but try counselling for your marriage ideally together but if not then for yourself and see if you can resolve any deeper issues. Otherwise you may find a love closer to family may not resolve how you're feeling.
I moved away from family/friends for my husband and we're struggling to conceive so the inability to start my our own family and the no close friendships locally can really bring me down sometimes but there is so much else that is great.
Also, even with the best of intentions, life just takes you in different directions, perhaps your DH didn't intentionally mislead you about moving back?

NoMoreMuddyPuddles · 22/07/2019 12:05

I find myself wishing he’d have an affair so I could justify leaving him. Isn’t that a horrific thing to wish for

He is not a bad guy. He hasn’t really done anything wrong. He’s thoughtless and a bit selfish. But he’s not abusive. He’s not the type to have an affair. He works hard and he pulls his weight around the house.

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NoMoreMuddyPuddles · 22/07/2019 12:06

I feel like he knows how lonely I am but he just ignores it. He’s one of those people who just sticks their head in the sand. Deals with nothing.

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Singlenotsingle · 22/07/2019 12:10

You probably just need to suck it up, don't you? He's not a bad man, not a bad husband and he's a good dad. Your girls adore him and he's hands on and involved. He's disappointed you along the way especially about moving house, and now the girls are getting to school age it's even more difficult. Can you work on the relationship and try to improve it, maybe through Relate?

CousinKrispy · 22/07/2019 12:11

I'm so sorry, OP. I'm far away from my close-knit family and I know it is difficult to face being left out of that for (possibly) the rest of your life.

Do you think it would be possible for you to find other sources of contentment in your life to help fill that gap? What is it that gives you a sense of purpose in life?

How do you feel if you imagine him acting more lovingly towards you--would that help you feel less lonely, or do you think you have moved too far away from him by now? Do you think he would go to couples counselling if you told him it was necessary to keep the two of you together?

Caroline3033 · 22/07/2019 12:19

Hi, I'm new here. Does anyone else have a problem with their partner taking over so much of the parenting that they feel sidelined? He's starting a new job soon but it's been delayed so we are both at home. I tried breastfeeding at first (baby is 6 weeks old) but there were some problems. Now he just takes over with a bottle every time the baby has trouble latching on. I've almost given up and my milk has all but dried up which is really sad. I don't want to argue with him all the time and I just don't know what to do.

NoMoreMuddyPuddles · 22/07/2019 12:22

I think the heart of the matter is my anger with him for the not-moving thing and it’s a non-starter now. I feel like I made a big mistake. And I know logically I need to just accept that this is the situation and move on but I’m struggling to do that and I hold him responsible for that. And maybe that’s not fair.

I think he would go to counselling yeah. I am so scared to raise with him how unhappy I feel because it feels like opening Pandora’s box. But I can’t go on like this either.

OP posts:
NoMoreMuddyPuddles · 22/07/2019 12:24

No I don’t think him being more loving would help right now. I don’t want that. It feels awkward.

OP posts:
Pringlemunchers · 22/07/2019 12:26

Wave a magic wand
..... What would your perfect future hold?

Pringlemunchers · 22/07/2019 12:28

I'm guessing you living near your family ( would that be all that you cracked it to be , honestly ?).
Let's say you can't do that , what is the next best thing ,?

NoMoreMuddyPuddles · 22/07/2019 12:31

I don’t know but I am going to think about that really carefully

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Alarae · 22/07/2019 12:31

It sounds to me that you need a different stimulation in your life, as it sounds like all you do is work, look after your kids, and stay at home.

Have you pushed yourself to make new friends in your area? Or perhaps a hobby which gets you out of the house?

You need something outside your family life to sustain you, otherwise the loneliness won't ease.

NoMoreMuddyPuddles · 22/07/2019 12:32

I like it where we live. It’s a nice suburb of a city. Nice area. Good schools. Beach. Parks. It’s a lovely place to raise the girls. I just wish it was closer.

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NoMoreMuddyPuddles · 22/07/2019 12:33

Alarae that is exactly my life. Kids. Work. Housework. I work a lot when the girls are in bed and older DDs sleep is horrific right now (I think it’s the big changes ahead) so we don’t get enough sleep and the house is never tidy and it just never seems to get any better

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NoMoreMuddyPuddles · 22/07/2019 12:40

I do have some friends but they all have their own stuff going on and I don’t get a chance to get out much. I run a bit to get out and stay fit and I enjoy that but I don’t run with anyone

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NoMoreMuddyPuddles · 22/07/2019 12:40

My god this is so cathartic

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CousinKrispy · 22/07/2019 12:59

It is really hard. You might need some time to mourn what you have lost (being near your close-knit family) but don't forget to work actively on filling your life with other things that bring value and happiness into it. Ultimately you want to feel "at home" in your new surroundings and it can happen despite what you have lost. You don't want to be sitting on resentment forever.

Maybe individual counselling instead of couples counselling? To help you figure out how to re-focus your life?

rightteous · 22/07/2019 13:12

I’m in the same boat OP so I totally understand how you feel.

newmomof1 · 22/07/2019 13:16

Do you think you want to get back to the way you used to be? Do you still love him? Do you still want to love him?

If you do, you need to start making time for just the two of you.
It's hard work having a young family - you need to remember that you're important as well.

Have date nights (if baby sitters are available?) - go and do silly things that you wouldn't normally do. Play mini golf, go bowling, night club, anything and everything - just the two of you.
Have proper conversations - talk about everything and nothing.