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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I need to talk

41 replies

NoMoreMuddyPuddles · 22/07/2019 10:02

I don’t feel like I have anyone to talk to in real life. It’s not that I don’t have people I am close to. I do. I think I’m just scared to say the words out loud.

Things between my husband and I are not good. They haven’t been for a long time. We have been married for six years and we have two girls, aged 4 and 2.

We get on ok. We don’t argue much, especially not in front of the girls. We generally rub along fine. Nothing has happened. I just don’t feel much for him any more.

I feel angry with him for a lot of stuff. That I live far away from my family and married him on the understanding that we might move back sometime - it never happened and it’s since become apparent that he never really had any intention of moving. DD1 starts a good school this year and she’s happy here so it’s too late now really. I accept we live in a great place for our girls but I feel really cheated too. And lonely.

He’s a good dad, the girls adore him and he’s really involved and hands on. I wish he was a little more patient sometimes but noting that gives me any cause for concern. Our girls are amazing and we are so lucky. But our marriage is crap. I know he’s unhappy too but if I try to raise it with him he just puts it down to the stress of having two young children and hard jobs and kind of dismisses it. He doesn’t really take me seriously. So we have stopped talking and now I feel like what’s the point.

We are like housemates raising children. I think that’s the crux of it.

I have thought about leaving but I just can’t do it to the girls. I can’t take them away from him they adore him and it would devastate them. I thought I could just live this way and it would be fine but it’s really getting me down.

OP posts:
category12 · 22/07/2019 13:19

@caroline3033, you really need to start your own thread if you're hoping for responses.

NoMoreMuddyPuddles · 22/07/2019 13:26

I don’t know. I’m worried it’s too far gone now.

OP posts:
NoMoreMuddyPuddles · 22/07/2019 13:26

He’s not the same person he was. I loved him because he was so funny and laid back. He’s so uptight now. Grumpy.

OP posts:
newmomof1 · 22/07/2019 14:14

I think maybe if you had a bit more freedom and fun you'll realise he's still that man, he's just more tired now.
Don't throw this away without trying OP!

Caroline3033 · 22/07/2019 14:33

Tried to. Didn't work. I'll shut the door on my way out.

category12 · 22/07/2019 15:29

@caroline3033 Don't be daft, it's just you won't be seen on someone else's thread. If you go out to the list of threads, there should be an option to start your own thread.

OccidentalPurist · 22/07/2019 16:16

OP you say you loved your DH because he was so funny and laid back, but was it actual love? I mean did you really fancy him when you met and really like him as a person (which typically leads to love)?

I know a lot of couples (including me & DH) who have quite tempestuous relationships and disagree regularly about a lot of things, but deep down fancy and respect each other still, even with fluctuations in weight on both sides, as you remember how it used to be. I think those are the foundations necessary to sustain a marriage.

NoMoreMuddyPuddles · 22/07/2019 16:46

We were good friends before we got together and I fancied the arse off him 🙈 it just seems like a lifetime ago. We feel like friends now like I feel weird about him touching me. I don’t know how that happened

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 22/07/2019 17:24

Caroline you need to start your own thread

Chamomileteaplease · 22/07/2019 19:20

The thing which sticks out for me is your resentment towards him for not moving back to your hometown.

The factor about your children's school is a red herring. Children change schools and can be fine.

If your husband agreed to move back with you as a family do you think it would enable you to feel some love for him again? Do you think you could then work on your marriage?

NoMoreMuddyPuddles · 22/07/2019 19:34

I don’t know. Possibly. I think I would worry he would resent me in return though. It’s a bit of a stalemate situation.

I think I feel sad that my feelings don’t seem to be very important to him. Like I’d be worried he would resent me if we moved. Why isn’t he bothered about that?

OP posts:
Dadaist · 22/07/2019 19:35

Perhaps your feelings toward your DH explain why he’s no fun anymore- who would be? I really think you should get some couples counselling before you break everything up.

DragonNoodleCake · 22/07/2019 19:54

I'd say try counselling. It didn't work for us, but we went when we were way past the stage you are at and the resentment was too deep set.
It's a good way to try work things out

NoMoreMuddyPuddles · 22/07/2019 19:56

Dragon can I ask, what was it like for you? When you say you were past where we were, what was it like?

OP posts:
DragonNoodleCake · 22/07/2019 21:36

Counselling was hard, but we'd lived like joint parents only for a long time.he likes to think he is right, he didn't parent with me thought I did things wrong and started to keep things from me. That destroyed the trust.
I tried everything to get him to look at me again but once I found out the lies, I asked for counselling- 18 months it took to get him there. By that point I knew it wasn't important to him. The counselling was another opportunity to tell me I was wrong.
Thus I called it a day - that was 6 weeks ago. The separation is hell, he is still trying to 'right'

Musti · 22/07/2019 21:43

You've got two kids under 4 and life is hectic. It's common for parents to lose each other for a while.

You say you live in a nice area and you have a good job. It does sound fab. He's a good dad and you were friends who you really fancied before so I think there is a lot of hope that you can get it back. Could you book regular babysitters so you and your husband can do something as a couple and find the fun in your relationship again?

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