My abusive parent I’m NC with threatening to make bogus social services call against me, should I call them first?

[Hithere12]

Hi,

So backstory. I’m 28 year old female. I’ve been with my partner for six years, lived together for 3. We recently had to move out of our rented flat and we’re staying with his parents temporarily until we find another flat to rent that’s near enough to his work.

Anyway I am NC with my father, he’s abusive, the last time I saw him (in Feb) he screamed in my face over nothing, when I tried to leave his home he tried dragging me back into his house to the point I had bruising on my foot. I did record it as an incident with police at the time but said not to press charges as I didn’t want him being vengeful towards me. He’s cracked my sisters ribs before, used to hit my mum etc.

Anyway I’m apparently not “mentally well” and he’s “very concerned about my mental state” because it’s textbook abuser behaviour to say the person you’ve abused is mad. This is all revenge because I won’t talk to him. My issue is he’s threatening to make a bogus social services call.

Now normally I’d find it pretty hilarious but the problem I’m having is we are staying with his parents who don’t behave like trash like mine (well my Dad) and I would find it absolutely mortifying if social services arrived here! I’m not hugely close with my boyfriends family (we don’t see them that often) and I want to do anything to avoid this.

They have no idea about my Dad and I really don’t want the embarrassment of it.

If I ring social services first to let them know the situation are they less likely to come around? Or will I just be highlighting myself more to then. There’s about a 50/50 chance he’ll do it I’m guessing.

I’d be fine with going to see them in person but what to avoid at all costs them visiting here.

I’m also worried as I’ve not been registered at the correct address for years as this man is such a lunatic he’s rung my mum up screaming down the phone for my address and tried to use his girlfriend to find me on the electoral role. If I registered at my correct address I’d never feel safe (I already don’t as it is). But my worry over that is I’d be in trouble to lying.

Another thing going against me is I’m not working right now. I’m not on benefits I have a big wad of savings I’m using for working for so long but I was made redundant and my partner is seriously looking for jobs outside where we are living as he wants to move so I don’t want to start looking till I know where we’ll be if that makes sense. But yeah that could also go against me!! So just looking for some advice.

Also just want to add we’re only staying here temporarily as my partner is looking for a new job in different part of country so we may be moving and don’t want to sigh a 6 month contact ITSWIM.

I feel your pain. My mother calls them out at least twice a year on me. Initially they would have to come and investigate which will mean going to your home, school, doctor etc, it's not a nice feeling but they have to do it (depending on the seriousness of the allegation) .

I wouldn't call them, just wait and see what he does. If he doesn't know your address then he probably won't call them.

I'm at the point now where I just get a letter saying they had an allegation and the case is closed. It's so annoying considering the case load social workers have they could be doing without malicious calls.

As there is nothing to link you to where you are staying, then SS probably won’t turn up there.

They may call you in which case, you can arrange to see them.

Being unemployed, supporting yourself and on the verge of moving does not equal mental incapacity so you really have to stop giving anything you dad says any weight.

Well done on getting here. It is obviously the right thing to do. It is very hard and the move will be even better.

If they do get in touch, keep yourself open, tell them to get in touch with the police to see his record and then you go to the police and talk about your option for a non molestation order.

I wouldn't call them, just wait and see what he does. If he doesn't know your address then he probably won't call them

I just really want to avoid them coming here I honestly couldn’t care less if it was when we move out, but I would be mortified if social services showed up here. I honestly don’t know what to do, I feel sick all the time over it.

He won’t just let me live my life. He doesn’t know my address is but my mum does so I’m sure he’d get them to call my mum for it.

Being unemployed, supporting yourself and on the verge of moving does not equal mental incapacity so you really have to stop giving anything you dad says any weight

The thing is I have been on anti depressants before (a long time ago), I have OCD, I’ve also had health issues (low energy and pain but I’ve had testing and doctors haven’t been able to figure out where it’s coming from) so I’m sure he’ll use all those things as his “proof” 🙄 he’s very manipulative.

The thing is I’m not worried about them finding anything, I know they wouldn’t find anything wrong with me (well anything serious) I just don’t want them coming here whilst I’m with his boyfriends parents ☹️

I’m actually tempted to fake make up with my Dad to avoid this but the idea of even talking to him makes me feel sick 😬

I can’t advise on all your questions but I do work for Elections and you can go on the electoral roll anonymously. Give them a ring (your district council can put you through) to find out more.

Unless he can convince them you are an immediate danger to yourself or others than you're an adult and they won't give a shite. OCD and depression do not come under that cateogory. By miles . And he won't be able to do that if he hasn't seen you in 5 months AND doesn't even know where you live. They deal with malicious referrals all the time. They know the score.

It may be worth contacting SS and asking the procedures for dealing with malicious referrals and if they could put a note on their system. Give them the police number etc. Ask to be updated by phone should a malicious referral be made.

SS do not have the time to check every random referral! Just because he's your dad doesn't give him any rights or access as you are an adult. Adults can do what they like, regardless of mh issues. He doesn't have the right to anything, father or not!

Claiming benefits will not make bit of difference to SS. As long as your 'wad of savings' is not over the allowed amount. If it is and he knows this he could shop you to the benefits people. So double check that and ensure everything is above board.

And do not pretend make up. That's exactly what he is trying to get: access to you.

When you move make your name secret on the electoral role etc.

He can threaten anything he likes, doesn't mean anyone will take him seriously especially with a police number. You are an ADULT.

Why would not working go against you? If you aren’t claiming benefits fraudulently then you’ve got nothing to worry about. I’m not working through choice because I’ve got lots of savings. That’s not against any law. You are living off savings. That’s fine and totally your business. So forget that worry. Could you not ask your mum to say she doesn’t know your address as you’ve moved to avoid his abuse but she has your number? Do you have kids?

Claiming benefits will not make bit of difference to SS. As long as your 'wad of savings' is not over the allowed amount. If it is and he knows this he could shop you to the benefits people. So double check that and ensure everything is above board

I’m not claiming benefits (I’m not entitled as partner works and don’t need them anyway) so I’m fine there.

The last time I saw him he was screaming in my face at over nothing at 10pm and I basically packed my stuff, was going to get an Uber from the Tesco down his road and go into town and get a Hotel but he of course chased after me like a lunatic. He was trying to drag me into his house and I just started screaming for help and he had to let go of me because there were people who were basically yelling that they’d call the police if he didn’t let me go. When he’s been like that (a screaming lunatic) he’s been violent and for my own safety I had to get out the house.

He then went around pretending I’m a “danger to myself” because I just randomly ran out of his house at night for no reason when I don’t know the area! That’s literally the story he went around telling people and was his justification for wanting social services involved 🙄 I’m so mental I was going to go wondering the streets of Manchester at 10pm for no reason! Lol this is how manipulative he is.

So I’m pretty sure he’d give ss a similar mental version of events and if he did they might want to see me 😬 he’s obviously not going to tell them the truth.

You're an independent, healthy adult. From what you have said you don't have kids. Why do you think social services would have any interest in you at all? Your dad isn't the boss of them, or anyone else and they are not going to turn up on the doorstep.

You're an independent, healthy adult

I do have some health issues. For example I’m just able to work but wouldn’t have kids due to my health issues, wouldn’t be able to do a very physical job, so it’s another thing he has to beat me with. He sees me as an easy target.

Just be careful of this...

I’d be fine with going to see them in person but what to avoid at all costs them visiting here.

If SS do contact you and pick up on this, your reluctance to have them visit your home may be misconstrued and ring alarm bells. I’d be very careful of giving them any impression that you don’t want them coming to where you live, as that sounds dodgy, even if the reasons are understandable.

I wouldn’t call SS but I would fill your boyfriend’s family in on the situation - it’s not your fault that your father is abusive.

Sorry, I’m confused - are you saying you don’t have any children?

If so you have nothing to worry about!

If so you have nothing to worry about!

Yes I don’t have children, do you mean I have nothing to worry about as in they won’t want to visit me? Even if he pretends I’m a danger to myself? 😬

The things that you are describing - low level mental health issues for you, being between jobs and temporarily living with the in laws, and issues with employment would not particularly amount to much with social services considering how high the threshold for services is at the moment.
Many families are in a much worse position. SS are also very used to malicious calls to their services and know how to deal with them. They don't take allegations as proof.
But fundamentally the issue of control is about your shame.

There's no shame in having been abused and there's no shame telling the in laws that your father was abusive and is threatening you and your children. This would remove his hold over you. Your mind at the moment is telling you all the reasons you are powerless but there are things you can do to take back control.
You could also contact a support organisation like NAPAC who would be able to give you some further advice and coping strategies. Yo're not the only one in this situation. napac.org.uk/

Getting a social services assessment for an adult is difficult enough as it is - with no evidence at all that you’re a danger I suspect you’ll hear nothing at all. Maybe they’ll call you and you can explain the situation but I’d be surprised.

I assumed you had children, in which case they’d be more likely to want to visit.

Just seen you don't have children - SS/ doctors are unlikely to visit unless you are at a risk of immediate harm to yourself or others and even if he said you were you may get a quick call.

Do you have children? I may be wrong but I’m not sure Social Services get involved in an adult, living independently (minor health issues aside), supporting themselves with their own saved money? I honestly don’t know that they’d even be bothered. I least the most that can happen is a police welfare check on you, but if no children are involved then I don’t know where Social Services come in?

We all assumed you meant children’s social services, which is why you were so worried!

If you don’t have kids I don’t even get what he’s threatening! Adult social services won’t do anything! Especially as he doesn’t even know where you live, how could they? Plus they are massively stretched and don’t have funds to go chasing up things like this.

Tell his parents. Or tell them IF he calls SS. End of story. He has this power over you. If you take away that power you will feel more in control. You haven't done anything wrong as other posters have said.

But fundamentally the issue of control is about your shame
There's no shame in having been abused and there's no shame telling the in laws that your father was abusive and is threatening you and your children

I don’t have children btw. I get what you’re saying, but his family are very posh and can be a bit snobby lol, they are nice people in every other way but honestly they’re the last people I’d want to know about my situation. All my friends know about my family situation so I’m not ashamed in that sense, it’s just it’s not really something I want my partners parents knowing about!

Sorry I should have made in clear in OP I DO NOT have children.

As if adult social services are going to give him any time at all; he does not know where you live and what he is also doing here is projecting his own self onto you.

He is using this threat as yet another stick to beat you with and again this is about power and control. Your father still wants absolute control over his family unit and he thinks he owns you. He still sees you very much as an easy target.

How are relations between your mother and you these days?.

Why do you not want your partner's parents to know about your family background?. Is it simply because you see them as posh and or otherwise snobby and therefore you think you would be judged harshly?.

Without any children, there is no way that Social Services would be interested in anything he had to say about your mental health.

Can I ask how you know he is making these threats? Does it go back to February when you last saw him, or has somebody told you he is still making threats?