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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I overreacting over lack of intimacy?

26 replies

Soosiesue · 21/07/2019 16:08

Hi all. Sorry for the long post ... there has been little intimacy in my relationship for a four years due to my partner’s erectile problems. I have tried talking to him about it to no response, tried suggesting new things to try or asking what might help him/what he might be in to - no response, I get physically rejected, pushed away when I try to kiss him properly etc etc. I eventually got him to go to the doctor, and after all tests the doctor said nothing is physically wrong. He eventually bought viagra but has never used it, I think he just got it because I was upset and wanted to shut me up! Eventually I gave up. He says nothing and just goes to sleep when I’m upset and crying myself to sleep, and never mentions it in the morning.
Anyways, I noticed the last few mornings that he has been hard again when he woke up. He has never mentioned it so I asked him last night, and he said that it’s been back to that for quite a while. I got really upset - He has always said the lack of intimacy wasn’t because he wasn’t attracted to me so why hasn’t he been interested in coming near me now that he has no problem getting hard again? He said nothing, didn’t even hug me as I cried myself to sleep again, and hasn’t mentioned it today. I have tried talking to my partner a lot but I’m always left feeling like I’m overreacting. I feel like on the whole I have been patient as it’s been four years. I’m only in my 30s. Has anyone else been in the same boat? Any tips to deal with it? Thanks

OP posts:
FuriousVexation · 21/07/2019 16:19

I'd be guessing he's asexual, or has a deep seated sexual trauma.

He has no interest on fixing this or care that you are unhappy. You can either:
Stay together but explain that you will be cultivating FWB arrangements as you did not sign up for a life of celibacy, or
Get your ducks in a row and move on to find someone who wants to make you happy both in and out of the bedroom.

Crimpola · 21/07/2019 16:24

He isn't going to change. You deserve a normal and sexually fulfilling relationship. The only way you'll achieve this is by leaving.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/07/2019 16:27

Do not stay, you do not owe him a relationship.

Staying with him will continue to make you feel as miserable as you are now. perhaps even more so. He is not going to change, this is who he is.

Original poster
Soosiesue · 21/07/2019 16:41

Thank you for your replies. I have asked if him he’s asexual or gay, but he just laughed. I know that I should try not to take it personally, but I can’t help it as he slept with a few girls before we were “official” and I’ve been pushed away nearly all our relationship. I have also considered the FWB thing but not sure it’s me.
Thank you for reassuring me that I’m not overreacting

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 21/07/2019 16:57

What are you getting from this relationship?
Do you want to live without affection?
And no plans for having kids?
It’s a sad way to live in any age. Let along as young people.

StillMe1 · 21/07/2019 17:04

Could he be a little hesitant to test the new erections in case it flops again?

RedLemon · 21/07/2019 17:11

You aren’t overreacting at all. It’s not even the lack of sexual intimacy- it’s the total lack of emotional intimacy that his coldness towards your obvious distress and his refusal to even discuss things implies. I agree with other posters- if you stay with him he will extinguish your self-worth and any remaining embers of happiness totally.
LTB.

PicsInRed · 21/07/2019 18:04

There are lots of possibilities. You've excluded medical cause, which leaves:

Drug/alcohol abuse.
Antidepressants/other medication cause.
Closet gay.
Porn addict.
Asexual.
History of sexual abuse.
Maddona/whore complex.
Affairs.
Doing it to control/punish you.

Which one seems most probable?

Original poster
Soosiesue · 21/07/2019 19:27

I can cross off most of that list because I know for sure, or I’ve asked him, but I had never heard of the Madonna Whore complex before. I googled it and it has got me wondering if that could be it

I did also consider that he might be afraid to try in case he can’t keep the erections, but his general lack of intimacy/affection in other ways, and his lack of communication especially when I’m upset about it, doesn’t really tie in with that

OP posts:
FinnGermey · 21/07/2019 19:39

There is no way any man with a normal level of testosterone would be avoiding sex with a partner they love & are attracted to. If there was a major physical problem, he would be desperate to resolve it and get back to action. For whatever reason he is just not interested in being intimate with you. You need to find out why and be prepared to walk away because I don't see it getting any better.

IamtheOA · 21/07/2019 19:48

You're not over reacting

LittlefairyMum · 21/07/2019 20:03

I feel so bad for you.

He's hiding something big I feel.

You deserve so much better. Another woman would have been gone 2 years ago.
You really have tried OP.
You can't do it on your own though Thanks

PIPERHELLO · 21/07/2019 20:30

For me the key issue would be his supposed lack of giving a flying fuck about the fact that you're unhappy.

Crying yourself to sleep whilst he ignores you?!?

Two ways I would tackle this if - massive if - you want to stay together (do you have kids?);

  1. Tell him you don't care about the impotence thing now but you care that he couldn't give a toss that you're unhappy. Tell him this in the cold light of sober day, calmly. And that you want him to do something about it.
  1. Then I would dedicate yourself to you for 6 lovely months. Forget all about this shitty situation for 6 months, go running / read books / join a gym / book a massage / visit friends / go to the cinema / solo or with pals & then reassess. Basically change your record for your own sanity.

You poor thing, you deserve a medal.

Original poster
Soosiesue · 21/07/2019 21:53

For the majority of the time I have tried to talk to him calmly, and I have said that it’s not the impotence issue but the way he deals with it/lack of communication. However acknowledge that every so often it does get too much, and I get upset.
The six month idea sounds good, thank you

OP posts:
kitandkaboodle28 · 21/07/2019 21:58

No real advice but I am in a similar situation with my partner. I know he takes viagra (I've seen the boxes but we've never discussed it) and he puts our very irregular sex life down to him having low libido. It's upsetting because I love him dearly and really miss the intimacy but he's a great partner in every other way so I try and make the best of it.

What I would say is that my dp would and has listened to my concerns, reassured me and comforted me when I've been upset about the situation. Your partners apparent lack of compassion towards your feelings and needs is worrying tbh. There can be many reasons why a person doesn't want (or isn't able) to be physically intimate but there's no excuse to be so inconsiderate when it comes to the feelings of someone you're supposed to love...

PIPERHELLO · 21/07/2019 22:09

@kitandkaboodle28 sorry to hear this.

Maybe a dumb question, but why is taking viagra of you don't have sex?! What does he do with the hard on!! Or is it just that on the rare occasions you do have sex, he takes it?

kitandkaboodle28 · 21/07/2019 22:13

@PIPERHELLO Yes I think that's the case. He will take one before we have sex or if it could be on the cards - there have been times when we've had some child free time for example and he's taken one but then nothing has transpired.

From what I understand Viagra won't give you a hard on unless you're aroused anyway. So if he gets one the viagra will allow him to keep it. But it doesn't enhance desire so if he truly isn't feeling it then it's not much good anyway :/

Original poster
Soosiesue · 21/07/2019 23:30

We don’t have any children - the conversation has been started by me a few times but he never really finishes a conversation about anything, and doesn’t start them. I have said though that I don’t want to dtd just to try to get pregnant. We aren’t engaged and he hasn’t started saving for a ring. He doesn’t think there is any point because we can’t afford a wedding (I have told him there are options than a big fancy traditional wedding). We do own a house together though

OP posts:
Haffiana · 21/07/2019 23:51

I haven't read a single thing here explaining why you are with him.

He doesn't care enough about you to actually discuss this with you properly and he clearly doesn't like you enough to care when you are upset. He isn't affectionate and pushes you away.

So, from what you have written, your relationship consists of you crying a lot, presumably because you imagine that this will somehow make him feel sorry for you, come to his senses and change his ways? Are you ready and braced to carry on crying for the rest of your life? He won't change. You must have very low self-esteem to be in this relationship and it will get lower and lower if you remain.

And seriously - why on earth are you considering getting pregnant? Don't you want to be in a proper relationship first with someone who actually wants them?

Original poster
Soosiesue · 22/07/2019 00:02

You’re right - I haven’t said why I’m with him. I was trying to keep my posts straight to the point about this issue
I love him, he makes me laugh, he is kind, hardworking, is considerate to my family, I trust that he won’t cheat etc. I was in a very abusive relationship (in all aspects) for all of my 20s and I know that he is a good person in a lot of ways
The lack of intimacy and the communication is the issue
I know crying won’t make him change, I do not cry for that reason - like I said in a previous comment, I am calm about it most of the time, but every now and then I get really upset, and my question was really am I unreasonable at those times.
I am not considering getting pregnant either, I have tried to have the conversation about what he/we want, but I have told him I don’t want to go down that route when things are like this. I was just answering someone’s question if we had kids or if we were considering it. I didn’t explain that very well

OP posts:
CuntyMcBollocks · 22/07/2019 02:39

Intimacy is a huge part in a relationship, and I don't mean just sex. Just knowing that your partner loves and is is attracted to you; a kiss or cuddle, snuggling together is a much needed thing to keep a relationship alive.

My cousin and her ex didn't have any intimacy or sex for over three years, and it turned out that he was a porn addict, so wasn't bothering to have any type of intimacy in real life. My cousin eventually left him and is now very happy with someone else.

I'm not saying this is the case with your partner, but it's a possibility.

Happynow001 · 22/07/2019 04:22

OP you say "he is kind" but also that "He says nothing and just goes to sleep when I’m upset and crying myself to sleep, and never mentions it in the morning." and "
I’ve been pushed away nearly all our relationship"

That's not kind, surely, if he's not prepared to listen to/speak with you and try to do anything to ensure you are not unhappy?

Original poster
Soosiesue · 22/07/2019 07:42

@Happynow001 no it’s not kind, you’re right. It’s so confusing when I’m pushed away when it comes to trying to initiate sex but he’s so kind, warm and supportive when it comes to everything else.

OP posts:
Original poster
Soosiesue · 22/07/2019 07:52

Thank you all, now I am sure I am not overreacting, I know what I have to do

OP posts:
Fmlgirl · 22/07/2019 12:49

I was in a relationship like this for 5 years. Broke up earlier this year and I’ve been much happier without feeling so rejected all the time. Have been having great sex since.