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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Injunction against husbands ex wife

27 replies

forthispurposeonly · 21/07/2019 15:25

She's relentless and I'm at my wits end :(
It started off with abusive messages to my now husband about me (never met or spoken to her). Then a message directly to me which i ignored and blocked her on all forms of social media. My workplace wrote to her workplace to try and put an end to it (her accusations risked my job so my work stepped in). We were asked if we wanted to make a formal complaint and we said no, hoping it would be enough to end it.
3 months later she contacts my boss directly with a huge barrage of outright lies. Thankfully my boss knows me and replied saying do not contact us again.
At the point it became clear she'd been digging in my private life so i did make a formal complaint to her employer. She is now in the middle of gross misconduct proceedings.
Over the last few months she has used her children's social media to spy on me, come to our front door and demanded to speak to me (i had to hide), tried to bump into me in public places etc.
Should i be considering legal steps now?
Worst still in hortible messages to my husband she has accused ME of being the bully and of harrassing her by making the complaint against her which has been deemed gross misconduct by her own workplace!!! Im so so drained someone please help :(
I was in an abusive marriage for a decade. I feel like ive swapped one sort of abuse for another :(

OP posts:
InTheHeatofLisbon · 21/07/2019 15:27

Oh OP that sounds absolutely horrendous. Yes, definitely take legal steps and if you feel up to it involve the police as well.

You have evidence (your boss) and also it will be clear you're not out to get her, it's the other way around.

How bloody stressful for you, I hope you find a solution.

Soontobe60 · 21/07/2019 15:29

Op, does she work in either the police or medical profession? I can't imagine any other way she would use her job to find out things about you.
Change your settings on all your SM accounts to full privacy, meaning she can't access your posts of photos, or just close your accounts.
Keep screen shots of all her messages. Take them to the police. If she's is truly harassing you, it's a criminal matter so don't let it go!
She sounds unhinged.

Original poster
forthispurposeonly · 21/07/2019 15:37

Thank you. Yes she does soontobe60!!! Social media is fully shut down and all messages have been safely saved.

Its keeping me awake at night im so so stressed. She even approached my children (both under 10) and tried to talk to them. Because i try and get away and keep away from her and refuse to talk to her she calls my immature and pathetic :(

OP posts:
Original poster
forthispurposeonly · 21/07/2019 15:38

Im so nervous about saying too much so i dont want to give anymore info

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 21/07/2019 15:40

I would gather all evidence and go the police; regardless of her profession; this is harassment and stalking, approaching your kids is the final straw. How long have her and your DH been divorced?

InTheHeatofLisbon · 21/07/2019 15:41

She even approached my children

Given her history of spite and what very much looks like obsession, this strikes me as a safeguarding issue.

I'd be fucking murderous if an adult with a problem with me tried to involve my children, let alone approached them.

Definitely involve the police and get legal advice. If she works with the police ask to speak to someone in a promoted position to her (I've had to do this, my issue was with a DI so I requested to speak to a DCI).;

Original poster
forthispurposeonly · 21/07/2019 15:42

4 years since separation.

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 21/07/2019 15:43

Why are your workplaces linked? How long have they been separated and how long have you been together?

I would run from a situation that created this level of drama. Sure, you can fight it legally but if there are DC you will never be free of her and by staying with your partner you are likely to get drama for years to come.

I wouldn't see it as her winning but you making a positive decision to chose a quiet and drama free life. Like you I left an abusive marriage and there is no man on earth I will stay with if it brings stress and upset into my life (and children's life).

Life is way too short and who needs this level of stress, worry and financial cost??

Bookworm4 · 21/07/2019 15:44

Definitely go to police, she’s unhinged and obviously has no boundaries. Does your DH have kids?

Original poster
forthispurposeonly · 21/07/2019 15:44

She approached the children in front of me. Under a nicey nicey guise of course. I got them and left the room immediately.

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 21/07/2019 15:45

Sorry I see there are DC, how does this affect contact? Have you thought of just answering the door(have yr phone on record) and ask her what does she want?

InTheHeatofLisbon · 21/07/2019 15:45

She sounds completely obsessed.

Original poster
forthispurposeonly · 21/07/2019 15:45

Yes there are children. Hence the degree of unavoidable association. My children however have nothing to do with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
forthispurposeonly · 21/07/2019 15:46

Bookworm i just cant do that. Im afraid im petrified of conflict or confrontation.

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 21/07/2019 15:49

@forthis
I think you need to find the strength, she no doubt knows this and thinks she can exploit this. Where is your DH in this? Why doesn’t he stand up to her? I’d be concerned for my kids welfare living with a lunatic like this if I were him.

Original poster
forthispurposeonly · 21/07/2019 15:50

He does stand up to her. All the time. But she relentless and says its all us.

OP posts:
BlackBirdInMyGarden · 21/07/2019 15:53

That sounds really frightening. And I can't really see how talking to her would help anything - she's clearly not rational if she has not stopped by now.

I think that yes it could be time to consider legal proceedings. Approaching your children is quite a threatening thing to do no matter what guise it's under. That would really freak me out as well.

What sort of support are you getting from your husband? Is he also being harassed?

BlackBirdInMyGarden · 21/07/2019 15:56

Ah Cross-post. I think for the meantime continue to let your husband deal with it as much as possible. If she is contacting him with messages about you would it help if he did not share them to allow you a mental break from it all? especially as the misconduct proceedings are happening?

What does your husband think about going to the police about this harassment?

Nat6999 · 21/07/2019 15:56

You need to go to the police & report this woman & get a harassment notice served to her. That way any further harassing behaviour can lead to her being arrested & prosecuted. At the moment there hasn't really been any consequences to her behaviour, serving her with a harassment order means that she shouldn't harrass you in any way including messages, visits, getting a third party to harrass you. It also means that if she starts doing anything like reporting you to social services etc there is an official trail to show she has form for doing it.

Original poster
forthispurposeonly · 21/07/2019 16:11

Thank you. Even just getting reassurance this isnt me and that she is bonkers is so helpful!

OP posts:
InTheHeatofLisbon · 21/07/2019 16:52

At the moment there hasn't really been any consequences to her behaviour, serving her with a harassment order means that she shouldn't harrass you in any way including messages, visits, getting a third party to harrass you. It also means that if she starts doing anything like reporting you to social services etc there is an official trail to show she has form for doing it

This, all of this.

OP it sounds really awful.

C0untDucku1a · 21/07/2019 16:56

Yes agree with everyone else. Poloce envolvement every. Single. Time.

MonkeyTrap · 21/07/2019 16:56

Definitely involve the police. She’s over stepped the mark and sounds volatile.

LoulabelleAndCo · 21/07/2019 18:39

This is awful. I also have to deal with a lying ex of my dp, it's very draining. It's not to this extent though, although has been v bad. Sending love op, I think you need to seek help legally as its harrasment.

FogCutter · 21/07/2019 18:54

This sounds awful, I'd be an anxious wreck if this was happening to me.

Agree with everyone else, she needs some consequences. Take a list of incidents/ contacts plus all the emails, messages, work stuff etc to the police and ask them to take action based on her harassment of you and your family.