Adult daughter problems.

[weleasewoderick22]

I have 3 adult children in their 30's and one child of 11. 3 sons, but it's my daughter that I'm struggling with. She has a ds that I look after twice a week because she works.

She runs a very successful business that is growing and growing. She started from scratch and has worked really hard and I'm very proud of her ( I've told her this endlessly). She was in a very abusive relationship with the dgs's father and the dgs has no contact with his father. From day one I have looked after dgs, supported her, had her staying with me and done all I could to help her over a very bad time in her life. I was also in an abusive relationship with my ds's father and we were very close due to a shared experience.

Fast forward to now, and her life has improved drastically, mainly due to her hard work. She has her own home and a really nice partner and is happy. Her business has gone from strength to strength and she's now had to move to bigger premises. Up until this week I have still picked dgs up from school and had him on Saturdays.

Then last week I was idly looking at Facebook and saw a post she'd written about moving premises and thanking everyone who'd helped, but no mention of me. Then how supportive her partner is ( quite right too). The previous week I'd helped her pack, looked after my dgs, paid her solicitors fees because she didn't have the ready cash and generally tried to help.

When I saw that post I was really hurt as she's done this before, when she moved last time. So I phoned her and told her how hurt I was and all she could say was that she couldn't mention everyone! I also told her that she takes me for granted and she hung up on me and I haven't seen her or spoken to her since.

Sorry For the essay! I just want to know AIBU for feeling the way I do? I brought them up on my own ( Disney dad) so I had/have nobody to support me.

I feel your pain. They do take us for granted.

I get on great with my children’s partners and I here it through them that my children are grateful for all I do rather than my actual children sometimes!

My son has got better with age and he does openly appreciate everything.

My daughter and I have a standing joke whereby I pay for something for her and she says, “You’re welcome!” instead of thank you. This stemmed from me once telling her what an ungrateful and rude madam she was.

Now it’s lighthearted and I know that all I do is appreciated.

However, on social media your daughter wants the likes from her friends and feeling great about how she’s become successful and people commenting on how well she has done for herself etc.

As soon as she mentions mum it probably makes her think that other people won’t give her due credit.

In a way we all strive to be independent of our parents and can be touchy about it as adults.

Thanks for your reply.

You are totally right about wanting likes on Facebook, she puts everything on there! I get random people saying hello to my dgs because they know him from social media, neither of us know who they are!

I feel like, now she has a partner for childcare she doesn't need me any more, and that hurts like hell! I also miss my dgs.

You are quite right to feel annoyed though.

I would have had to have added a comment such as

“Don’t forget your dear ‘ol mum!”

It’s one thing for her to have a strop and the hump but it’s not fair about your grandson missing out.

I think I would contact her purely asking if you can have the grandson round for tea, not mentioning what has gone on.

That way you’ve been the bigger person but there is no apology involved, not that one is needed, if you see what I mean?

If she says no or hangs up then that is downright nasty but hopefully you have given her a way to speak to you again.

Daughters are bloody stubborn aren’t they?

I would say something she has taken you for granted have a word with her. I can be quite passive aggressive to get my point across i would have said something on her status

Thanks again for the reply.

I did text her last week to ask if I was picking dgs up, and I got a snotty reply to say no, because I said she takes me for granted!

So as not to dripfeed: I get the impression from her that I irritate her. I've suffered from depression my whole life and when I do assert myself she will say that I need to take my medication because I'm clearly nuts! Her life has moved on and my hasn't and she can't be arsed with me any more. When she first got the keys to her new premises she complained that one of her employees was dragging her feet in going to see it. I mentioned that I'd like to see it, but she said " you're just my mum, why would you want to see it? ".

Middle aged mothers are invisible

Mrsjayy. I did call her out on it, that's why the argument started.

I think she’s got a bit above herself and the success has gone to her head.

This stinking attitude will be passed on to others and if she’s not careful the success will start to crumble.

It’s rotten that you’re the main brunt of her delusions of grandeur but hopefully this will rise out and she will come to understand that you were the one person she could rely on.

Personally I would not phone but I would text to keep inviting the son out even if she is rude or ignores you.

It’s mean of her not just in you but your younger son as well.

Keep your head held high and hopefully this will play out it’s course and she realises she needs your help again.

You sound a lovely person and mother.

I am so sorry my phone missed out the point of your post. Let her stew she is behaving lie a fool let her

Thank you for your kind words Soola. She treats everyone else well, it's just me that gets the shitty end of the stick.

I think most DC take their parents for granted!

I think you have taken it a bit too personally? I agree she should also thank you and should realise it's appropriate to show her Mum appreciation.

She may well assume you know it and assume you want to have your DGS...

I hope it blows over soon and you can sort it out

“Don’t forget your dear ‘ol mum!”

God, don't put ANYTHING like that!!

I'm mid 40s with an adult child and that that comment made even me roll my eyes. A comment like that is not going to get you the response you are looking for!

I'd have a conversation with her. It might be that she feels it's appropriate to move away from having her mum support her as she becomes better able to support herself (and having a partner is part of that).

I am going to play Devil's Advocate here a bit because I, obviously, don't know either of you.

Is it possible that your depression has had an impact upon her that you're not aware of?

Have you told her that she takes advantage of you?

Because I can imagine it would he quite frustrating to be told you are taking advantage of someone and then have that same person upset because you are no longer asking things of them.

I'm sorry she has been so rude. And that's what it is. Rude.

I don't have a good relationship with my parents, one of them is downright abusive but has been better in the last 20 months or so.

But they've both helped me significantly in the last year and I have made sure people know what part they've had in supporting me. Because thats what you do.

I don't have any advice for you, I don't think. But the next time she wants anything of you, just point out you're not a bank/ babysitter/ doormat. You are a superwoman and maybe she needs to look at you through decent eyes for once.

Because I can imagine it would he quite frustrating to be told you are taking advantage of someone and then have that same person upset because you are no longer asking things of them.

This is why I asked if IABU because this is how I feel, I expect her to be a mind reader I think. When I get pissed off it tends to be an accumulation of things that I haven't spoken up at the time. This is my fault and I take full responsibility for it.

Having said that, the only time I see her is when I have dgs. She thinks I have a problem with her partner- I don't. He's doing exactly what I would hope her partner would. He's supportive and excellent with my dgs and loves her to bits.

It's the turning everything round to make it my fault and dismissing my feelings that hurts the most.

Thankyou washing. All I want is some appreciation. I don't want the red carpet laid out or gushing status's on Facebook!!

Whatever you do, do not make some snarky comment on Facebook. You'll just look unhinged and pathetic. I recommended you bin Facebook altogether. It's rubbish and makes people usually feel worse, not better.

As for your daughter, she can only take advantage of you if you allow it. Stop being her doormat and let her manage childcare and all the other shite in her life.

I didn't comment on Facebook because I'm better than that. You're right Aqua, I don't usually go on there which makes me feel that she didn't think I'd see it. I haven't been on since I saw the last status because I know it'd wind me up. It's annoying though when other people tell me stuff about my own daughter and dgs

How about inviting them for fun things, and move away from helping out?

If you're on your own, depressed and feel like your life hasn't moved on, then maybe it's time to focus on your own life a bit more? Your dd might feel you're a bit of a black cloud dragging her down, possibly feeling you're a bit dependent on her emotionally? Sorry, may be completely off-base here.

Not completely category, I realise that depression is difficult to live with. However, my dd suffers from anxiety and when things are bad then she wants me, when she's better she drops me again. I don't honestly think there's any real malice, just very very thoughtless and not owning her own actions.

Almsot exact same scenario here including FB. Only been mentioned once over 10years ago about "can't wait to send DDs to their GM's this weekend for some peace"!
Never had a word of appreciation for all the free child care for DGDsx2 from being babies.
It took many years for me to find the strength(physical and mental) to put a stop the the bad tempered snapping and disrespect.
What followed was horrendous time. I was not allowed to see DGDs(she has used this a number of times over the years if I didn't do ask she wanted).
So I went NC for nearly 9months and it broke my heart not to see the DGDs but I had to stop enabling her behaviour.
This 9months actually gave me time to actually focus on myself and I actually ended up having hospital treatment with I should have had many years previous but I had never put myself first.
In the end I told her I had a right to live my life the way I choose and I am not one of her employees!
Our relationship is more civilised between each other now but I am very wary of getting too close to her because I cannot cope with the hurt that I know she is capable of inflicting.
But at least now I have some peace and quiet and the DGDs are old enough now to to come and see me of their own accord.
I am sorry for the long ramble but I wanted to say that you are not alone in this situation and YADNBU to be hurt by your DD's actions...they are disrespectful and hurtful.
I hope you can stand up to her and don't back down if you can because you actually do matter and you need to take care of your own emotional and physical wellbeing first before anyone else.

Thankyou Captain, it's good to know it's not just me.

I feel like I've spent my whole adult life bringing up kids, I'm 56 now. When I pointed that out to her she said "he's your grandson, you should love having him! ". I was gobsmacked at that comment.

I'm feeling more and more that she's rude and entitled.

I feel like I've spent my whole adult life bringing up kids, I'm 56 now. When I pointed that out to her she said "he's your grandson, you should love having him! ". I was gobsmacked at that comment.

But you said you do love having him and that you miss him? 🤔

DC - even adult DC - take us for granted. In a way it's a backhanded compliment; they feel so secure in our love that they don't need to keep seeking approval and validation from us.

Does she treat you well on special occasions - mothers day, Xmas, your birthday? Does she tell you she loves you? If so, then that is far more important than a meaningless social media post intended to gain traction for her business with employees, wider network and potential clients.

I think she's not mentioned you on Facebook because you don't go on there. Does she thank you in person/seem appreciative?

I do miss him furious, it's the being taken for granted that I object to. She arranges to go away and expects me to have him by guilting me and leaving it to the last minute to ask.

She does do stuff for me occasionally. She paid for a spa day for Mother's Day, she then put it all over Facebook! That was a deliberate move so other people would think she's an amazing daughter, the rest of the time she doesn't bother. I feel like a social media prop for when it suits her.

That's not why she didn't mention me on Facebook love. She didn't give me a thought.

You are not being unreasonable OP. I'm so sorry she doesn't appreciate you. Even if you do irritate her in some ways, she's still be taking your help when she needs it. I think its appalling to be honest.
My Mum helps me out all the time and she lives 90 miles AND my poor Dad now has dementia. There are things about her that irritate me but jeez I would always tell her how much I appreciate her. Now my Dad can't be left alone, I've been travelling back home to look after him so she can go out and do things - its the very least I can do.
I'm not sure what to advise. I would leave things for now. You have said your piece and I hope she realises in time that she is the one being unreasonable.