Merging 2 families - worries, concerns, plans etc

[GuitarDadOf2]

I thought I'd do a name change and pu this one out there as it's something very much on my mind, and I'm betting that many of you folk have either been through it or have thoughts to offer...

In short, the subject of me moving in with my girlfriend has come up more than once and it's something I'm seriously considering. She has a 6yo DD and I have slightly older DSs (one teenage one somewhere in the middle)

In terms of feeling as though I want to live with them, I'm fine, it's the merging the families bit and how it'll affect my boys or how they may react that weighs on my mind - haven't discussed it with them as yet.

Background:
I split from my ex nearly 2y ago (after many years of mutually 'dead' marriage - which we ended extremely amicably, children share time between us on a routine but mutually flexible basis - ends up being about 2/3 with her and 1/3 with me averaged over the course of any given month) I was single for about a year, and have been with my GF for a bit less than a year (note to self - must be coming up on that - check!)

She's spent most of her DD 6 years on her own so they are very much used to their home being theirs - so there'd be bound to be a big impact on her DD with such a huge change to their lives.

My DSs are very different - the youngest is emotionally bombproof and very open, he'd love it I think, the eldest is classic teen - going through the uncommunicative phase and has generally been a bit more emotionally closed - I worry about how we'll react to it all - he's generally been a bit more guarded around my GF on the occasions when they've been together (dog walks, meals out, that kind of thing)

There are loads of clunky practical considerations that whizz around our heads (doubling up furniture - do you sell or store - does storing say 'this might not work' ? , need to tart up the spare rooms in her house, space for me to work from home (50% of the time is the norm) and all that - but it's the people stuff that's most on my mind.

So before I start imagining all the possible problems, be interested to hear other people's experiences (both positive and less so - there's things to be learned from both I think)

thanks in advance for any comments

I think I'd do it more gradually in your situation. I am not sure how often you are at your gf house at the moment but could you spend half the week there for a while (when you dont have your dcs) then after a while once you've seen how her DC copes start having your dcs at your gf house one night a week. Then if all still well do the full move in together?

That's a very good suggestion @pisspants - odd though it seems Id not even thought of that - have been very much thinking in terms of how things are now and how things would end up.

There are practical things to consider with that approach (would need to buy beds and would eventually end up with beds to get rid of - things like that) but those are perhaps less troublesome than the relative benefit of a gradual approach.

cheers :-)

You've been together less than a year. It's FAR too soon to move in together.

Why are you assuming you would move into her house? Would buying a new place be a possibility? It would then feel more like everyone's house.

How long have you been together? I would take this really slow - if your eldest is a teen, might even be worth waiting until he is leaving home.

Are you considering more children?

You've been together less than a year. It's FAR too soon to move in together.

Even though it's a sweeping generalisation, there was a time I'd have agreed with that. These days less so. I'm 48, and in the last few years I've known people my age or younger pass from sudden heart attack, stroke, brain aneurysm, be struck down by cancer and (literally!) be hit by a bus. My own version of that was waiting too many years before my ex and I confronted our wn relationship before reaching mutual decision to split - we'd both have been happier sooner had be been brave enough to not ignore it "for the children" (and I truly believe that our children are getting a better experience of life with 2 happy parents who aren't playing out a loveless life in front of them, but I digress)

Why are you assuming you would move into her house? Would buying a new place be a possibility? It would then feel more like everyone's house.

That's a very good question - I think my initial assumption if I'd thought about moving in with someone would be into a new place, partly for the reason you say. Extra info: I rent currently (my ex bought me out of our home) and it's not a great place (good size, just not somewhere I'd want to stay permanently) so I'd not even suggest all coming here. As for buying - I knew she really loves her home (rightly so, she's made it really nice, it's in a great location, it's almost paid for and would probably these days cost a lot more to find something similar, plus stamp duty etc - all vs a couple of modest tweaks to that place (turn bedrooms back into bedrooms instead of clothes rooms/tumble dryer room :-) )

I appreciate that's all boring practical stuff though - and yes it's her home currently - it doesn't feel to me like that's an issue though, other than for her DD having her space 'invaded' - vs having to leave her childhood home.

I'll say it out loud as it may occur to us all - if we buy together and things don't work out, we are in a joint mortgage. If I move in and it doesn't I just move out (this isn't what I expect or want to happen - I'm thinking aloud)

How long have you been together? I would take this really slow - if your eldest is a teen, might even be worth waiting until he is leaving home.

A year. That's a helpful comment because on hearing it my reaction inside is "I don't think that's a good plan" - my feelings right now are that putting my life on hold until my children leave home isn't the example I want to show them - but I do get that not everyone will feel the same about that.

Are you considering more children?

Nope - not something that either of us want at this stage in life (48 and 47)

I hop that doesn't sound like I'm just rebutting -those are my honest initial reactions to those comments - my feelings may change as the discussion continues - which is kind of hthepoint of posting - thanks for taking the time to reply it is VERY much appreciated

Being together for less than a year. Split with your ex two years ago I would just take things slowly.

No need to rush into living together. That's a lot of change for your DC's in a short space of time.

Less than a year is way too soon. Soon to even be spending time altogether as a group, let alone moving in together.

And instead of thinking about the decorating, I think you should be considering finances and parenting and discipling styles and responsibilities.

Just go with the flow, sometimes it ends up basically just staying every night and without knowing it just happens and you’re living together. How have the children been with sleepovers? Do they get on? There will be issues with combining families, I used to fight with my step brother when we were young (only 2 years younger than me though) but 20 years later we are as close as any blood related siblings now and love him and his kids to bits. Step families can be amazing and I’m so glad I have mine, it came with great experiences, big family and extra cousins for my children.
The practical side of things it doesn’t matter, whatever u choose will work out, see if anyone has some spare furniture to borrow for short term for spare rooms if you’re not ready to give up your house yet.
A year is ok also, it doesn’t matter what people think because if it feels right and makes you all happy what’s the problem?

A year really isn't very long. I get that you have a fear of missing out, time is fleeting etc but that applies to your relationship with your kids too - if you rush this and it proves damaging to them, you may never get the same bond back and I would have thought you'd regret that more. Particularly because it's not like you can't continue to date your girlfriend in the meantime.

I would give it at least another year before starting to plan to move in together - but I don't get the sense you have any intention of waiting so another question: if you talk to your kids and, as you suspect, the older one hates the idea, what's your planned approach? If it's "tough shit, doing it anyway, I deserve to be happy", don't try to pretend like you're seeking his opinion, at least be honest and say "this is happening but I want your opinions on timing/location/room decor/whatever you are happy to give them input on."

Just dont. Way too soon. Yes.....1 year is way too soon. I said it twice because I dont think you've heard the other posters.

Why cant you just stay in your respective properties & date. Her especially has a great horse by the dying if it & I doubt she'll want you moving in & mucking up the dynamics. If you do ever move in together it should be a totally new place....not hers, not yours but something you 2 choice together. My ex-wife moved a new bf of less than 6 months into her home - kids are now living with me & dont ever step for into their old house because of the memories & because his things are now there & she's moved all the bedrooms around to accommodate stuff

It's not about you. It's about your kids & hers.

if you talk to your kids and, as you suspect, the older one hates the idea, what's your planned approach?

I don't have a plan right now - it's early in this thinking, and that's something that's on my mind. Knowing him, I suspect that's not how it'd go (although anything is possible obv) - I suspect it'd be a bit trickier still - probably more of a teenage shrug and a profession that he really doesn't mind either way, but that actually he might. Hard to tell. But yes, having a plan for those conversations if and when they come is I think important and helpful

...If it's "tough shit, doing it anyway, I deserve to be happy..."

Never in a million years would that be a conversation we had. I've read enough Mumsnet insanity though to know that it's a fair point to make :-)

How have the children been with sleepovers?

There haven't been any with us all together.

That's a good point.

There are clearly many things in between where we are now and where we might end up and I think I've been stuck in thinking about the either-or

It's not about you. It's about your kids & hers.

Respectfully, none of those exist in isolation

I would start with sleepovers then and see how it goes, how about a family holiday? Weekend days out to see how everyone gets on. There seems to be a lot more steps before moving in together. How well do you get on with her 6yo? That’s a big thing because you will become a massive influence on their life and unless you’re will to take that on and love as your own yet then there’s still a lot of things to do. My step dad moved in within a year 20 odd years ago, not that my mum planned that but it just happened, I was 9 and he was a lovely man who still is one of the biggest influences in my life and I love him as a dad and he treats me the same as my brother (who is officially step but we don’t see it that way)

I'd take it very slowly if I were you, start with sleepovers as PP suggested.
The 6 year old is going to see this as her territory being invaded and you taking her mum's attention away.
My ex moved in with his GF and daughter of similar age after knowing her a similar period of time. It did not end well, they broke up within a year.

Respectively it doesnt. I've seen it first hand. My ex wife put herself first, moved a new boyfriend in after 6 months of dating. Kids are 15,14& 12. Kids were pushed out & marginalised. It was all about the her & him. They never did anything as a "family" ( how could they- she doesnt drive & he only had a moped... ). Kids would come home from school & would want to vent/talk about their day & have help with homework. She was too busy with him. They now all live with me & ex & bf are moving in together miles away. Just dont let that be you. There is plenty of time once your kids are older & don't need you. Atm they need you more than you'll ever know.

We've actually got a 'family' holiday planned in August that everyone seems to be looking forward to and yep that will probably be quite informative! There are bound to be some niggles - hopefully still a fun time though.

Sleepovers are a good idea.

I'm really pleased to say that I seem to be get very well with her daughter - when it was fathers day and at school they were all making cards she made one for me (not saying dad obviously. She does have a father and sees him very occasionally/sporadically - it didn't occur to her to make one for him which is both sad and understandable in the circumstances - but that whole tale is another topic) and she draws pictures of us all together (initially the 3 of us and since meeting my boys the 5 of us)

Truth is my GF's DD is very easy love - she's hilarious/happy/funny/clever and if it's an evening I've been able to go round before she's in bed it's always me who has to do story time (novelty I'm sure, although apparently I am "...better at all the voices..." :-) )

I'm shocked at your mindset and the way your brain hasn't thought things through.

Way too soon.

You haven't done ANY of the basics. None of the foundations. No time together, slobbing about watching films on a Sunday, sleepovers, weekends away, week long holidays. To see how the children interact.

@hadthesnip2 that doesn't sound like how either of us would carry on but appreciate the cautionary tale

@ChiaraRimini do you think there was anything in particular that they got wrong or hadn't considered, or just something that didn't work out?

My suggestion is similar to others, increase the amount of shared time first and have some frank 1:1 conversations with your older son, treat him like the young man he is (obviously there's tmi but be as honest as you can be). I do think a neutral house makes more sense (rent out each of your homes if you both own) rent somewhere and let the dc's have input on it. It can work, but teens are tricky creatures, him knowing how much you love your girlfriend and that you are considering moving in is the first stage, taking a few months to finally get a home together

@Oblomov19 and I've not even started to think about thing in advance or opened a discussion to seek the input other others.. oh wait...

I haven't DONE anything. There is a point where it's not crossed your mind, and there's a point where it either has or hasn't happened, and there's the part in the middle. This is the start of the part in the middle.

My initial interest was in people's experiences - although I get that there will be as many (if not more) instructions and judgments

@stucknoue thanks

Your teen is at a very sensitive stage... One that will define his relationship with you forever.

Having said that, this also means they will soon have interests outside of you and third parties won't be seen as a so much of a 'threat', as you will have established a secure adult-to-teen relationship ( as compared to adult-to-child - there is a slight difference).

Almost the same as what your girlfriends daughter will be experiencing on the other side having had a one-on-one with her Mum.

I support and suggest prior posters suggestion to take it slow.

You do have 2/3 of the time on your own so this is ample time to tend to your new relationship.

Good luck, you sound like a kind and considerate person and that will go a long way to helping everyone settle in and adapt as your relationships grow.

Don't do it. The little girl doesn't need three non-related men in her house.

You have only been together for a year...I really believe you should have a rethink about ' putting your life on hold. ' Your children will have gone through a lot and I do not think the upheaval will benefit your eldest. Logistically will they still be near their friends and school?