Merging 2 families - worries, concerns, plans etc

[GuitarDadOf2]

I thought I'd do a name change and pu this one out there as it's something very much on my mind, and I'm betting that many of you folk have either been through it or have thoughts to offer...

In short, the subject of me moving in with my girlfriend has come up more than once and it's something I'm seriously considering. She has a 6yo DD and I have slightly older DSs (one teenage one somewhere in the middle)

In terms of feeling as though I want to live with them, I'm fine, it's the merging the families bit and how it'll affect my boys or how they may react that weighs on my mind - haven't discussed it with them as yet.

Background:
I split from my ex nearly 2y ago (after many years of mutually 'dead' marriage - which we ended extremely amicably, children share time between us on a routine but mutually flexible basis - ends up being about 2/3 with her and 1/3 with me averaged over the course of any given month) I was single for about a year, and have been with my GF for a bit less than a year (note to self - must be coming up on that - check!)

She's spent most of her DD 6 years on her own so they are very much used to their home being theirs - so there'd be bound to be a big impact on her DD with such a huge change to their lives.

My DSs are very different - the youngest is emotionally bombproof and very open, he'd love it I think, the eldest is classic teen - going through the uncommunicative phase and has generally been a bit more emotionally closed - I worry about how we'll react to it all - he's generally been a bit more guarded around my GF on the occasions when they've been together (dog walks, meals out, that kind of thing)

There are loads of clunky practical considerations that whizz around our heads (doubling up furniture - do you sell or store - does storing say 'this might not work' ? , need to tart up the spare rooms in her house, space for me to work from home (50% of the time is the norm) and all that - but it's the people stuff that's most on my mind.

So before I start imagining all the possible problems, be interested to hear other people's experiences (both positive and less so - there's things to be learned from both I think)

thanks in advance for any comments

@crimsonlake yes still walking distance to school for eldest - in fact walking distance from where I am now generally.

Yes - continuing to give this much thought

I think it’s far too soon for all the children. I would give it a couple more years before setting up home together.

I'm in a similar situation OP. We're not going to be moving in together for another year but I do worry about how all the children will deal with it. Mine are younger, 9 and 6 and he's got a 9 year old too. All the advice is 'don't do it' nobody ever seems to have anything positive to say, but surely some situations must work?

Our 3 do get on very well together, we've been on holiday together and plan more, and we're going to have more sleepovers over the summer holiday. Good luck OP.

2 years is typically when you know each other so leave it another year before planning on moving in together. It is selfish to consider yourself when you have children as the risks are higher and the DC have been through one separation. Parents often have love tinted glasses on and assume the DC are in the same place. It is difficult for your sons to see you in a new relationship as they will have memories. My teen doesn't want anything to do with his dads new gf, no reason other than he isn't interested. It is all super cringey for a teen having to explain to friends.

You seem to be in a rush and the shock of hearing about early deaths is not the right motivation. That thinking typically leads to mid life crisis stuff not sensible actions.

Sure it can work but step families are much, much harder than nuclear families. Go to the step families board on any site to see the myriad of issues.

Key focus areas are Finances, joint parenting and space for everyone.

I don't think a move from her house is a good decision for her. The risk of a relationship failing is around 50% or higher so why go through that upheaval and cost.
However if you move into hers, will it always be her and her daughters house? How will you feel about that? Will you pay rent?
I think you should both keep properties so you buy something of your own as having an exit plan is essential when you have children.

How will you handle parenting? It is the little things that annoy and builds resentment such as tidiness of the children or who ate the last slice of bread, how will you split costs and household chores?

There is so much to work through and shouldn't be rushed. Move one step and then review. First see if you and your gf can handle conflict and make compromises over big issues such as money and parenting.

Everyone is saying don’t do it but it depends on the individuals, if you’ve been together a year and have done 6 months of family holidays and sleepovers, are both decent people and the kids get on (as much as siblings do) then why not?
We have a generation of kids who don’t know how to survive the real world because we all worry about the effects of what happens in life and don’t let them experience it first hand.
Life is hard for a lot of people and if we find someone to share it with and make it easier then why not.
If the op feels life would be better and easier living together then why not move in, people move in after weeks of knowing each other and work some people after years and don’t work, it’s all pot luck and i would rather know sooner than later. Imaging the op waits another two years then moves in and a year later realises it doesn’t work, then in 50’s and starting again.
I say if it feels right, just do it.
If you love each other and really want it to work then you will show the children what I loving home looks like, otherwise all they’ve known so far is parents who have separated.

I'm 48, and in the last few years I've known people my age or younger pass from sudden heart attack, stroke, brain aneurysm, be struck down by cancer and (literally!) be hit by a bus.

I'm the same age, and so have I. And my own mother died in her 40s when I was a teenager - happily not when I was already hurt and resentful that she'd shacked up with some bloke she hardly knew and his kids. I know people whose family relationships have been profoundly - irrevocably - damaged by the selfish choices their lovestruck parents have made.

The little girl doesn't need three non-related men in her house. This too.

I'm sorry you feel the need to project that hurt and resentment into this conversation - there are probably things that came out of that experience that could be constructive here but just having a dig isn't one of them.

I was going to ignore the comment about "3 unrelated men" but as it's come up again:

I think it's a bit loaded - if there's a specific point behind it let's hear it? Would the criminal she's related to but didn't even phone on her birthday be a better bet because he's related? Or might 3 well adjusted males who care for her offer a positive example of the opposite sex? I probably shouldn't engage with grumpy absolute statements with no context but oh well

No hurt and resentment because of her care and consideration for her child, that's my (constructive) point. She was a lone parent, we were very close, I'd have hated a man and two older boys arriving to disrupt and dominate our space, no matter how nice they were. But you're clearly not here to listen, so crack on.

I think it is a really difficult question and difficult to answer without bringing one’s own experiences to bear.

I do agree with the point that it is too soon, and while it is good that you are aware your GF loves her house and has invested in it, the discussion about moving in needs to be initiated by her.

The point about the three unrelated men - the DD will be growing and developing through puberty and will change her behaviour around three unrelated men. I do not mean to suggest that any of you are predatory, just that there will be - even if you are all sensitive and the house has a lot of space - a shift in her experience from complete privacy as she grows up to her house being shared with boys, which she may not even have a say in how they behave or what they do.

I get that you might be offended by what I am saying, but the experience of having an ex who was not DD’s dad who thought fit to comment on her going through puberty and indeed her friends would put me off ever bringing a man into a female child’s space, let alone two unrelated boys. I was deeply uncomfortable with her privacy being compromised in this way, and I deeply regret it. Not all men and all that, but enough of them to give pause.

Take much, much more time than you have. It is not really about whether you might drop dead from a heart attack but what is best for the children.

@KTara yes I probably didn't mention it, but it's my gf who initiated the subject and who usually brings it up

Ugh what you described there re comments actually made me shudder - that's not nice at all Good points

If you’re bringing the puberty thing up then surely the earlier the better, she’s 6 and so has a couple of years before she starts puberty. Is it better to wait until she starts having hair and boobs then move them in? Or should her mum stay living alone until she leaves home? Because personally I think moving boys in at age 9/10 when puberty is all kicking off is worse. My niece is 8 and has public hair already. We always had an open house where puberty was talked about openly and so no shame was with it. Like I said in a previous post I was 9 and brother was 7 when we became a family. I get others have had bad experiences but I can only say from my own and it worked amazingly well for us.

I do not know the OP or his GF so I am not commenting on what would work for them or their DC.
My point was nothing to do with shame connected to puberty so I don’t want to have my views and experiences dismissed or negated by the suggestion that it was.

people move in after weeks of knowing each other and work some people after years and don’t work, it’s all pot luck and i would rather know sooner than later. Imaging the op waits another two years then moves in and a year later realises it doesn’t work, then in 50’s and starting again

It really isn't pot luck and if you have children you have to derisk the decision and time is a big factor in that. Also small steps and ensure you have an exit plan.
If he waits 2 years and it fails he will just be 2 years older..hardly make a difference in a typical 80 year life span.
Whilst an adult might be impatient to know "sooner or later" you risk the happiness of a childhood, disrupt school and put children through another failed relationships. If yet another live in a relationship fails there is an impact on the children.

But they aren’t disrupting schools, still walking distance. Yes small steps are good and I previously suggested sleep overs and family holidays for 6 months then reevaluate the situation.

And yes it is still pot luck because regardless of how many small steps you make and how long you spending doing them, relationships still break down for all sorts of reason down the line and you won’t know loads of things until living together.
This website is full of broken relationships and so you mainly get options of people where’s it’s gone wrong and I can see why people are weary. But if a couple are just as in love with each other a year down the line as the day they met and the 6 year old clearly sees him as a father figure then what’s wrong. I obviously don’t know the op but he’s clearly nice enough to ask for opinions and the lady involved is the one asking. I like to think that love still exists and that if they are a strong enough couple then they will make it. But it’s down to the individuals and how they feel about each other. It has nothing to do with anyone else if they feel it’s right

if they are a strong enough couple they will make it
They aren't just a couple through. They are two separate families which have undergone the loss of a parent each. Plus the plan is for one family to move into the home of the other. The dynamics are complicated. Put yourself in the shoes of each of the DC-how would you feel?
OP you asked what I thought my X and his GF missed. In my opinion they moved way too fast and didn't consider how it would feel for the DC. They assumed that because they, as adults, felt the time was right, it would be OK for the DC too. They didn't wait for the DC to catch up with them.

In my case, my DP has already asked his daughter about moving in and she's happy with that. She keeps telling him it would be 'awesome' if we got married because then she'd have stepbrothers. I've not broached it with mine yet because I don't want it getting back to my ex before I'm ready to tell him. But if they really objected to the idea then that would certainly put the brakes on it for the foreseeable future.

My family has step children. They are all boys.

When we merged we’d been on holiday twice, spent loads of nights over and had been together 3 years. It was still one of the hardest things I’ve EVER done.

My dd went from being an Only to the youngest of 3. This was hard for him and me. My dss suddenly had a younger sibling. The two dss would naturally gang up against him at first as this is what they knew. We had arguments, problems, things you could never even imagine. The first 2 years were really hard.

16 years later we are still together. All the boys seem to be just like brothers. They all watch out for each other. My dd said he had the time of his life when they were all together at home. It can work, but it is hard.

Discipline is the hardest of all.

However my concern about your set up apart from the timing is the little girl. She is an only child, and will be the youngest of the opposite sex. It will be a rude awakening for her if your boys aren’t sensitive to this.

Take your time until you all feel comfortable. Your youngest dd may not like becoming a middle child as well

Ds even ....,

Thanks for those comments folks

Give it at least 5 years and start to think about it then, the kids need to spend time together but moving in is way too much for the DD.

It’s way, way too soon. I don’t know what you hope to gain from posting as you seem to have made your mind up that it’s going ahead. You’re selectively ignoring issues people are bringing up and only commenting on the ones you’ve thought up an answer to.

You're right I haven't replied directly to all the messages, and that's because some I really don't see a point doing so "...don't do it..." with no context I'd either have to ask them "why?" which might seem combative, and tbh if a person had more to offer they probably would have, so not much to be gained there.

As to what I hope to gain - I tried to be clear in my opener that I was interested in people's experiences - I've found those interesting and they have given me some important things to think about, and it's given me some ideas of things to discuss with my gf. Yes people will naturally just tell me point blank what to do, or not do, because this is Mumsnet and that's what happens, and some of those people will get bent out of shape if I don't do as they tell me.

Also, some of the replies seem to be exercising very specific personal experiences - there's not much constructive to be gained by me saying that, or asking for more info because it's all very specific to one set of circumstances.

This might make you (or others) like me even less, or be less likely to contribute, but it's true - and yes I do tend to ignore a simple "don't" with nothing to contribute, ditto "it's too soon" with no context.

To those people who have taken the time and the care to share their experiences, or their opinions with context I am ENORMOUSLY grateful and even if it seems I haven't I have taken quite a bit away from this already.

I suppose this is the swings and roundabouts with a forum - I'm using it because it's mostly anonymous, but it means I have no knowledge of the people commenting, they may be thoughtful people with relevant experiences or they may be the judgmental "u ok hun brigade

But fwiw I'm finding it helpful nonetheless.

You’ve been given more reasons why it’s too soon than you have people agreeing with you that it’ll all be fine and lovely.

Why do you want to live together at all? It's not compulsory for it to be a proper relationship (unless you're planning on having more children). Why do you consider it to be 'putting your life on hold'? What exactly would you gain from it?

Could you rent somewhere much closer to her so that seeing each other would be easier but you'd still have your own space? That way you could spent 2/3 of your time in her house without the drama. That's a situation that could continue forever in theory. I've never understood this desire for communal living and it your situation that sounds like a terrible idea.

How long was your girlfriend with the "criminal" before she decided to have a child with him? If it wasn't long, she has a history of acting rashly in relationships - big red flag.