Really struggling with my husband and kids

[Jurassicmuma]

I love them all, more then the world but I really dislike my husband atm. Our kids are 4 and 1, he wanted kids but didn't take to parenting easily, I'm not trying to make excuses for him but he finds it really tough.

He works so hard and he's loves us very much he just doesn't want to actually parent. He's not got a very good relationship with our four yo, shes very full on, doesn't play on her own which can be mentally draining but shes the most amazing little girl. They argue as he always tries to stick a DVD on for her but she doesn't watch much tv. Shed rather play with toys which he hates and now has started to refuse to do. It breaks her heart and mine. It's just while I make dinner or do some tidying/laundry and I beg him to play with her but he just ends up ignoring me and eventually dd will bring some toys into the kitchen and I'll do the voices for them even though I'm not moving them, iyswim. Tbh after all day with them I'd quite like that kitchen time on my own.

He never wants to go places with us anymore as he finds it stressful, I hardly ask him to do anything but he just won't take on any mental load of it.

We went out with friends for a meal last night, my first night out since I had dc2, he got really drunk and just wants to sleep today, on the sofa. I really just wish he'd piss off out of the way. I just feel like if he doesn't want to be involved then I'd rather he went to work or something. My kids are so loved and I'm so enthusiastic about being with them and occupying them but he doesn't appreciate them. He misses our life before kids, I'll admit I've changed so much but I'm not going to change back, this is our life now and they are my world. He just seems so depressed and I don't know how to help. I tell him to go and see his friends for a break but he ends up out late and is tired and grumpy the next day so any respite is short lived. How can I help him? Please be gentle, I'm currently feeling so unloved and just want to cry about how dismissive he's been with dd this morning, I'm having to reassure her that daddy loves her but I can see shes on eggshells and that's no way to be. Maybe he is depressed and needs a Dr

Okay so where to start

Firstly I'd tell him to get off the sofa and if he wants to sleep to go to bed

Secondly at 4 your dd should be able to play alone sometimes, it's too much for you to be interactively playing all the time

Lastly I'd be telling him to change his attitude or may be think about leaving , if it's depression tell him he needs to go to the doctor or you will consider leaving too

It doesn't sound any fun for you right now, what about your hobbies and social life?

If he doesn't want to play with the kids why isn't he doing the cooking/tidying/laundry

I think a lot of people would struggle making voices for toys etc. That type of imaginative play doesn’t come naturally to a lot of people. Can you encourage more physical activity for them both, could you suggest the park or trampolining, something like that?

Young kids are so so hard and it sounds like you’re a fantastic mum, he probably finds it so hard to measure up to. I’m not trying to make excuses though, he sounds like he needs to step up.

I can see both sides. He needs to be more involved and join in. Also help out. However not sure I ever joined in with role play and toys and doing voices. I would find that a bit much. I used to take kids out and at home would set things up like paddling pool, playdoh, painting etc but didn't actually play myself. I don't think you or DD can dictate that he should be interacting to that level. However he could take kids to park or soft play or bike ride. How have you changed?

Talk to him about stuff he enjoys doing - bike rides, messy play, getting in the paddling pool, games, getting her ri help with the gardening etc. I rarely did pretend play with my kids,played with cars because they would bore me to tears and they had friends to do that with but did loads of other things that I enjoy too - crafts, painting, cycling, ice skating, swimming, cooking, play doh, some games etc.

Well this is a sad situation.

The thing is he's never going to be happy until he accepts that life has changed. Permanently.
He will never be happy or want to take part until he shifts his mental state into thinking about this positively.

Parenting is hard, tiring, annoying, frustrating, boring even sometimes. I'd imagine this is his perspective.
But it is also delightful, a privilege, fun, full of laughter, amazing and very humbling. Your perspective melds both those perspectives together - you know there are less fun aspects of parenting but you accept that. Your acceptance has allowed you to see the wonderful side. I don't think your DH has reached this point.

Ideally, you need you need to talk this out. Acknowledge his perspective, you see it too. But press home to him that the more he resists, the harder this is going to be because your DD is already picking up on it. If he's not careful the state of their relationship will be irreparable and he will potentially damage her psychologically more than he realises. A daughter father relationship is so incredibly important (just as a mother daughter one is).

Perhaps he feels he can't be himself? Does he have a hobby? Something he can have to himself and grow as a person? It's easy to lose yourself in parenting.

The effort here really needs to come from him. You can't do it for him. He needs to stop resisting (there's obviously some reason for this that he needs help/guidance with) and throw himself into it.

Thanks all, I do know she should be playing alone a bit more and I do ty to encourage it however I don't see why can't play how she wants to for 15/20mins. He took them into the garden the other day but he just played on his phone and wouldn't talk to her, She was begging him to watch her do tricks but he didn't.

I've changed in that I'm not interested in staying out until 5am, I'm ready for home at midnight and there's no way I'd sit around watching films hungover like we used to, I've got too much to do and want to do stuff with the kids.
He also suggested I looked frumpy last night and while I was struggling to find something to wear said "you used to have lovely clothes where are they?" Well they were all a size smaller and about 7inches smaller!I don't dress like that now and don't want to. Some of his friends wives haven't had kids and still have very active social lives and look amazing, I don't look bad but I'm certainly not as "fun" now. I've had very little social life hobby time the last year since ds was born. I'm trying harder now but it's hard as sometimes he works late and he doesn't want to be alone with them. I've always enjoyed crafty hobbies like crochet and knitting, that's nothing new but he sees others doing cross fit and running groups and encourages me to do that, it's just not for me

He doesn't have s hobby as such but does go and see his friends twice a week. I have encouraged him to try new things but he doesn't want to. He's happy watching tv and yutube most evenings and going to the pub

Your poor DD! He sounds like a shit dad and a shit husband to me.

Why he can't play with his kid for just 20 minutes why you make dinner?! That's pathetic! If he really doesn't want to, why isn't he making dinner instead?! He can't just pick and choose, family life is about supporting each other.

He sounds so far removed from you all, what's the point of him?! I'm not sure what you and the kids are getting out of this? No support or love, that's for sure.

Youre right, i do actually find it easier when he's not here, I feel awful thinking it.

I'm sorry but if you have kids you need to be there for them by engaging with them and talking to them and giving them love and attention.

By refusing to play with her, or even acknowledge her, he is emotionally neglecting her.

I’d be pissed off he had another child with you if he realised parenting wasn’t for him once your first was born tbh. He doesn’t get to cop out now the deed is already done, he needs to help and you need to be more assertive about it.

I agree that the 4yo should be able to play alone sometimes but it wouldn’t kill him to sit with her too. He’s being a shit parent, there’s no other excuses for it really.

Out twice a week? With two children and a wife? Wow he's living a bachelor's life isn't he?

I don't begrudge him going out twice a week with friends, he's a farmer working long hours, seeing cows and sheep and not many people so he does need some social time. He also doesn't usually go to the pub until after dinner so it's just bedtime and I do find it easier when he's not here. Hed like to just watch tv during bedtime and I do let him sometimes but then I think "no you should be helping to". I only work two days as we've not got loads of money for childcare which in honesty he resents to. He seems to think once they turn one they just magically disappear during the day to some free childcare land

Hi OP my ex was a bit like this which is one of the (many) reasons he is now my ex. Unfortunately when you commit to having kids, you can't send them back. You also have to do things that you can't be bothered to do a lot of the time e.g. play games with them.
I have a very active 5yo boy who loves nothing more than charging around the house with nerf guns. I HATE it but I do it as often as I can because, that is just what you do when you're a parent.
I genuinely think he needs to get off his arse and suck it up, whether he likes it or not. They are only that age for a short time and before you both know it, they will be older and will have less interest in you both.

You shouldn't feel awful thinking it, your intuitions are right
What kind of message is he sending to his children, he's telling me that they are not even worth his time 😠

Honestly I think the marriage is probably going to die anyway.

You're just such different people now. He clearly wants an entirely different life. He also clearly wants an entirely different wife.

You want an entirely different husband (and I don't blame you tbh).

For what it's worth we've had a lot of threads from unhappy farmers wives before. The long hours can really kill a relationship after the kids come. Maybe it worked better when roles were more traditional, but it seems to be much much harder now when women don't want to raise the kids on their own.

You need a Plan B in case it all goes tits up. Have you any family in the area?

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

I am wondering if he is behaving like this as well because he is now not your "Number 1" in life because your children have usurped his position. He is showing your children by both action and design that they are not worth his time. Do not continue to do your bit here to teach them such damaging lessons on relationships.

Also, the fact he is a farmer and works long hours is no excuse for this constant dis-interest. I know a lovely father and husband who is a farmer and he adores and spends quality time with this children.

I loathe doing imaginative play and I don't do it so he has my sympathy there. However, there are other things to do - stories, puzzles, games etc. Although she should be able to play alone for a bit.

But he needs to be more involved. Does he ever take them round the farm and let them 'help'? Even the 1 year old once walking can toddle round with a wheelbarrow.

Saying what he said about your looks was completely out of order. Is he an Adonis? (and hasn't had children either!)

Are you able to talk about all this?

Ah you're a farmer's wife! Kudos to you - That's a tough enough life as it is for both of you even without kids.

Do you think he's depressed? A rather large amount of farmers suffer with depression so that could be affecting his ability to enjoy parenthood?

Op my father was like this, actually still is the same. Back then we didn't have phones but he would ignore us and just watch tv all day or sit and read newspapers.

I'm still upset about it, and I don't have a very good relationship with him anymore.

This will be your daughters future. Op protect your daughter and get her away from this emotional abuse

I don’t think it has to be over to be honest. My DH was like this until my eldest started school and became interesting. He just couldn’t relate to the baby/toddler stage. He found it boring and frustrating and we struggled for a long time. I’m glad we stuck it through though. Our kids are now all at school and he’s very hands on and I’m out at least 3 nights a week doing hobbies and making up for lost time. He now does most of the childcare/bedtimes and it’s completely swung around. Not everyone is cut out to be Mary poppins. You love it, he doesn’t. It is what it is. What you’ve got to do is find a system that works. So rather than doing toy playing, he makes tea while you do that. What you’ve got to remember is everything’s a phase. So she wants toy voices now but it won’t always be like that. Once they are both at school, and no more nappies etc life gets incredibly easier. Things that worked for us included me becoming a member of a gym with a crèche. So kids went into the crèche for an hour in the morning while I had a swim. Then at the weekends my DH would take our eldest for a swim. It became their thing. Find a thing that he can do with her one on one that he will enjoy. Toy voices isn’t it. What about taking her to a Sunday morning movie every week? Often the cinema chains do movies for juniors at 10 on a Sunday. It could become their thing. Or a horse riding lesson or a trampolining class. Find the thing he can take her to that doesn’t include you or the small one. Then you get a break and they get bonding time. Write a list of half a dozen options and get him to pick. It could even be go to McDonald’s for Sunday morning breakfast and half hour at softplay. You say he’s a farmer...why isn’t he taking her to help milk the cows or collect chicken eggs once a week? Or a ride on the tractor and a picnic. That’s the sort he could easily do and it will be a win win all round. I’d strongly advise you don’t totally lose yourself in your kids though OP. At some point soon they’ll grow up and won’t be babies anymore and you’ll be left behind. My eldest who used to scream unless I cuddled him to sleep now won’t even cuddle me unless I beg him! They start to want their friends more which is the way it should be and you don’t want to end up that needy, desperate over emotional mother who can’t let her kids go and spread their wings. Boring and psychologically damaging. So your DH has a point. Retain some of who you used to be. Have your own hobbies outside the kids and retain your fitness. Your pelvic floor as you get older will thank you.

A farmer? Why doesn't he take her to help with the farm work? Sit on his knee in a tractor, help clean and feed the animals etc.

I honestly don't see what you get out of this relationship. How exactly does he show that he loves you all very much, out of interest?