Battle of the grandparents

[Bonbon1988]

I am finding it increasingly difficult to deal with the grandparents. I say grandparents but really I mean the grannies. They are both so terrified the other gets a minute more of time with my son. My relationship has completely broken down with my own mother. I dare not mention the mother in laws name because it ends in a fight. My mother is good with my son but quite a quiet and negative person. Lately my son pushes her away yet actively seeks my mother's in laws hand. Today was his birthday and my mother just sulked because he pushed her away and took my mother in laws hand. I know when she comes in this week I'll be blamed for him not paying attention to her and she'll spend the morning telling me every bad thing my MIL did on the day of his birthday. My MIL is no Saint and stirs both me and my mum up. She comes into my house like she owns it and is so bold and loud it makes me cringe. I'm so fed up and stressed out.

I’d suggest you talk to your DH, work out what you want to happen and then talk to your own parent. Tell them things are getting out of hand, it’s making you unhappy and you need to get things back on an even keel for your son. Are you back at work? Can you plan more activities for just the three of you, so you’re less available?
Relationships are 50/50 and if you feel like you’re giving more than you’re getting it’s time to shift the balance back. Be firm and calm, say what you want and repeat it if they don’t listen.
It’s very hard, I know. But get it right now and you’ll be much better off.

And you don’t have to accept blame, just say it’s not your issue and don’t discuss it further. Don’t listen to anyone criticising anyone, say they’re wasting your time, then go and do something else. Try it.

Ridiculous behaviour frim both Grannies. I am just happy to know that my DGC has lots of peopls (Grandparents and Great Grandparents who love them. Tell them to grow up.

Stop listening to her bullshit. You have far more control than you're using. Your mum starts bitching, she can leave. Stop allowing yourself to be held hostage.

I have tried saying to my mum that I am trying my best to keep things very fair between them both and I always make sure they both get equal time but she has a very horrible and manipulative way of making me out to be really horrible and that they get no time with my son. I am back at work and they both have a day each with him. We try to make time to see grandads at weekends as they work during the week. MIL would be really bad for laying on the guilt about not enough grandad time. My entire maternity leave was ruined by both grandparents they would both come in EVERY weekend and spend ALL day with my son. They are both acting like children and being very selfish. My sister in law said to my mum it isn't a competition and her reply was a very serious IT IS. I think she is ruining both her relationship with me and her grandson as I think he is picking up on the negative vibes....

It's time to be a parent. Next time they are all around and there is unpleasantness, get out your best mums voice, stand up to dominate the room and just say "Get Out. I am not having this in my house. You may both come back when you decide to play nicely together."

Don't take any shit from them. Own your own living room and put the onus of good behaviour on them. If they reckon you are treating them like children - well, no shit?

Sending a big hug. I had a similar issue, my mum was always giving me a hard time because I give MIL equal time with my kids. The carry on was between my mum and b&sil, they all have strong personalities and don't get along. I found a fantastic solution, I don't have them all over at the same time. We alternative Christmas and see no one on actual birthdays.

I really think the key is to get your DH to work with you. They’re treating you like a child still by not giving you respect in your own house. You need to put your foot down. If they both want to see your son they should be a whole lot nicer. Would you let friends do this to you?

How stressful, these are two adult women who have been mothers themselves, how awful to put you through this, you must feel like you are treading on eggshells around them.

You & DH really need to call them out on this behaviour, otherwise it will never stop. And it will really get you down, it cannot continue.

I have a wonderful MIL who is very supportive and helpful, but there have been times over the years when it has felt overbearing, so I totally get where you are coming from. My mum hasn’t been in my DS’ lives at all, couldn’t get rid of her when they were newborn, but she soon became bored when they became little people, her loss so the competition element stopped for me then.

Good luck OP, you are mum, it’s your home, your rules apply.

Don't have them in your house together. They are clearly very different people who dislike each other and who bring out the worst in each other.

Why did you let them come round in the first place, let alone have them dominate every weekend? Your weekends are your time. I can't imagine that level of involvement and presence in my life. Even if only one came at a time.
Just say no.

Your son needs emotionally healthy grandparents as role models and neither your mother and your MIL fit that particular bill here. They are merely dumping their own insecurities onto you and comparing each other's time with their grandson like some sort of mad competition. Why should their bad behaviours be at all rewarded by them at all seeing any of you?. Would you have tolerated this from a friend, probably not and your parents and inlaws are no different.

What does your man here think of his mother's behaviours?. Where is he in all this and or whilst all this is going on?.

Where is your dad and FIL here; I ask only as both are not mentioned.

Do not let yourself continue to be used like this, bad behaviours should not be rewarded.

I would further examine your own boundaries between you and your mother and raise them accordingly; they are far too low and she is taking full advantage. Have a read too about fear, obligation and guilt because you also seem mired in this with these two women. Read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward.

Your mother is not good with your son because of the ways in which she treats you as his mother. You also state that your relationship with her has completely broken down; time to remain apart from one another.

The day that each of them have with your son should now cease; if they want time with your son at all they both need to start treating you as his mother a lot better. These two have already ruined your maternity leave and could well go onto spoil your early years with your son particularly if you cannot now assert yourself.

Sounds so suffocating. Only you can change this though as they aren't going to. Decide what boundaries are acceptable to you on a normal weekly basis, what fits in with your life/work/hobbies/family find just you three.... do you want to spend all weekends ensuring equal visits with everyone? I couldn't do it, when do you get time to go out just you 3? As your child gets older they will probably start having clubs on a weekend morning and kids parties on an afternoon so then you won't want to spend the remaining free time placating your parents and in-laws! If the grandparents are providing childcare a day a week each anyway that is fair and plenty of families don't see each other more than once a week unless they are local or providing childcare.

Obviously birthdays and Christmas are different but it is what you make it. We have 3 children, and Xmas day is our day we spend at home with just the 5 of us and their new toys, no visitors and no visiting. I found after a couple of years it was too much spending Xmas visiting everyone and kids not spending time with their own toys and also too overwhelming so many people in one day. We now visit my family Xmas eve and in-laws Boxing Day so presents and visits are spread out. Birthdays are trickier as it does seem everyone wants to visit on the actual day, however as kids get older and want to have a party with their friends instead you can usual do the family separately and eventually if the birthday is on a school day mid week you can say one set of grandparents visit the weekend before and the other set the weekend after?

You do need to get firm though, think about the level of contact you are happy with and then set it in motion. And make it clear there will be weekends when you have your own plans too! Your child is not a toy for them to squabble over for goodness sake! Yes he's lucky to have involved grandparents but you don't need to be smothered and need your own time too!

Can you book in some weekends away to have some space from it all? Despite the guilt trips, they don't have to see your DC every week to have a good relationship. In fact, you setting out boundaries that suit you might make things better for everyone overall, though might be hard at the start.

I would just tell them both to stay away until they can behave around your son.

Stop seeing them all so much. Stop engaging with it.

Have every other weekend to yourself.

Ignore the whinging and emotional blackmail. Zone your mother out.

They'd both be banned until they stop being dick heads round here.

Put some boundaries in place. Decide what you and dp are happy to accept and do not move from that position.

The grandmothers sound awful. I feel for you but I also think you've contributed to the situation somewhat by trying to please and placate everyone. You need to be much firmer about boundaries. I suggest that you see them separately and less frequently. Perhaps once a month for each set of grandparents. Visit them at their house or go out together somewhere (lunch at a child friendly place, trip to park and cafe, etc). If they are not respectful in your house and overstay their welcome, you just don't invite them. If they complain and blame you for not seeing them enough, tell them it's not up for discussion, change the subject, end the conversation. If necessary you'll have to point out that the complaining makes you less inclined to see them, not more so.

This is probably going to be difficult for you, so I suggest that you read "Toxic Parents" as Atilla said, and talk it through with your DH - make sure you have his full support and make sure he takes the lead on communicating with his mother. It sounds as if you have enough on your plate with yours!

Do each of the grandmas do one day a week of unpaid childcare? Is it working out ok so far or is it another source of tension? You might need a Plan B in case there's a fallout and they no longer want to help - or try and use it to control and manipulate you.

That sounds so wearing to deal with. What does your DH think of it all? Can you sit down with them and present a united front and tell them both that they need to stop?

So my husband and I used to fight quite a lot because I tried to keep my mums behaviour a secret... I don't know why, maybe embarrassment and maybe just family loyalty. He also used to think his mother was a Saint and took her side all the time. Now that he sees her more he is realising how she is as well. I am opening up more and we try to laugh off lots of things they do to annoy us. They both have a day each during the week and then he goes to nursery the rest of the time. We both work. My mum is very jealous natured and envies the fact MIL is retired. I'm sure she thinks she's in our house 24/7 but she isn't I make sure of that. MIL is very controlling and has been very controlling previously in our lives but I am trying to take back some control and husband is helping with that. For example she used to come in, go upstairs and empty our washing basket.... My underwear is mine and mine alone to deal with.. So my husband told her that was a no no. She still makes a deal out of it sometimes... Oh I'm not allowed to do anything. MIL also thinks she can just take my son, the day after we came back from his first holiday abroad she said so will I just take him home to mine tonight? Erm... No he needs to get back into a routine. So I am getting stronger with MIL but I feel I can't be as strong with my own mother, she just cries and says oh well it's all my fault then. My brother and sister in law have tried talking to her as well but she can't see her behaviour is so wrong. I asked her to go and speak to someone about her mental health and she just said everyone is allowed to be down sometimes. There is something not right in her head which I guess is why I maybe let her away with so much. I just envy people who have normal parent relationships. :(

So let her cry.

What's the worse that can happen?

Bonbon go back and read AttilaTheMeercat’s comment. Please. Go to the outofthefog website.
You can change this.

Bonbon

It is not your fault your mother is like this and you did not make her that way. Do read the book I recommended earlier, my guess is that she has always been difficult to get along with and you've had to placate her your entire life. Your mother has never apologised nor has accepted any responsibility for her actions.

Re this part of your comment:-

"So my husband and I used to fight quite a lot because I tried to keep my mums behaviour a secret... I don't know why, maybe embarrassment and maybe just family loyalty".

I am glad you no longer try and keep her behaviours towards you a secret; abuse thrives on secrecy. FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) keeps people feeling trapped as well.

re this part of your comment:-
"He also used to think his mother was a Saint and took her side all the time. Now that he sees her more he is realising how she is as well. I am opening up more and we try to laugh off lots of things they do to annoy us. They both have a day each during the week and then he goes to nursery the rest of the time. We both work. My mum is very jealous natured and envies the fact MIL is retired. I'm sure she thinks she's in our house 24/7 but she isn't I make sure of that. MIL is very controlling and has been very controlling previously in our lives but I am trying to take back some control and husband is helping with that. For example she used to come in, go upstairs and empty our washing basket.... My underwear is mine and mine alone to deal with.. So my husband told her that was a no no. She still makes a deal out of it sometimes... Oh I'm not allowed to do anything. MIL also thinks she can just take my son, the day after we came back from his first holiday abroad she said so will I just take him home to mine tonight? Erm... No he needs to get back into a routine. So I am getting stronger with MIL but I feel I can't be as strong with my own mother, she just cries and says oh well it's all my fault then. My brother and sister in law have tried talking to her as well but she can't see her behaviour is so wrong. I asked her to go and speak to someone about her mental health and she just said everyone is allowed to be down sometimes. There is something not right in her head which I guess is why I maybe let her away with so much. I just envy people who have normal parent relationships"

Unfortunately for your H, his mother is really just as disordered of thinking as your own mother. I would not be wanting her in your house either because controlling behaviour like she has shown you is abusive as well. What she wants as well as your mother is power and control over you both; this lies at the heart of abuse. Do not also let your mother get away with as much now; this is how she has taken advantage of you as her daughter. You have every right to assert yourself here as a woman in your own right.

Thankfully you are now both putting down far higher and consistently applied boundaries, this will certainly help you as he going forward particularly if you remain firm and consistent. His mother is all too adept as well at piling on the waterworks; tears can also be manipulative.

Your only mistake here has been for either your mother or his mother to be as involved in your lives as they have been. MIL should no longer have a key to your property; if she still does I would get the locks changed. These two women (and their own male enabler husbands for that matter) have to behave decently around you and your H and they both cannot or equally will not do this for their own reasons (none of which are to do with you or your H). I would not want either of them to be around any of you now, let alone your child.

Such people never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions; this is also why others talking to her has met with no success.

"I have tried saying to my mum that I am trying my best to keep things very fair between them both" that needs to stop right now!

Ridiculous state of affairs!

You tell your mum and dh tells his "enough! The PAIR of you need to grow up and act like adults or you'll be less and less welcome to spend time with us OR ds!"

I'd give serious consideration to effectively putting them all in "time out"! Act like toddlers get treated like them!

Make alternative arrangements for the days they normally have him so you're not dependent on either.

You and dh MUST present a strong united front on this. This is not healthy for you or your son.

Ludicrous behaviour!

"My mum is very jealous natured and envies the fact MIL is retired. I'm sure she thinks she's in our house 24/7 but she isn't I make sure of that." Stop pandering to them! It's none of your mums business if you chose to have mil round every day! (Not saying you would as she's as bad but the point is its NOTHING to do with her!)

Absolutely read the book recommended also go and look at this website:

https://outofthefog.website

My parents are toxic nightmares too. It's not easy to deal with but the longer you leave it the harder it gets.