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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Battle of the grandparents

40 replies

Bonbon1988 · 21/07/2019 01:55

I am finding it increasingly difficult to deal with the grandparents. I say grandparents but really I mean the grannies. They are both so terrified the other gets a minute more of time with my son. My relationship has completely broken down with my own mother. I dare not mention the mother in laws name because it ends in a fight. My mother is good with my son but quite a quiet and negative person. Lately my son pushes her away yet actively seeks my mother's in laws hand. Today was his birthday and my mother just sulked because he pushed her away and took my mother in laws hand. I know when she comes in this week I'll be blamed for him not paying attention to her and she'll spend the morning telling me every bad thing my MIL did on the day of his birthday. My MIL is no Saint and stirs both me and my mum up. She comes into my house like she owns it and is so bold and loud it makes me cringe. I'm so fed up and stressed out.

OP posts:

Herocomplex · 21/07/2019 15:35

This is probably really hard to hear OP, and the temptation is to think that if you just be nicer or fairer with them they’ll see things your way is so strong.
Your DC doesn’t understand at the moment, but he will in the future. Children can’t be responsible for keeping their parents and grandparents happy. And that applies to you and your mum too.

Original poster

Bonbon1988 · 22/07/2019 12:33

Thank you all. I have downloaded the book you have recommended. I know it must seem crazy when you look from the outside of our situation and why I can't just cut her out or stop the situation. It is just very hard to come to terms with the fact the person who raised and loved you could also hurt you so badly. I wish she would go and seek help as she is in danger of pushing everyone away. I feel so bad for my dad as he is such a quiet man and just puts up with her even though she speaks to him like dirt. I will post an update after she has been in to watch my son this week when I'm at work. Her messages are already showing signs of what's to come later this week.xx

OP posts:

foreverhanging · 22/07/2019 12:38

They'd both be on a time out if it were me!

ContactLight · 22/07/2019 12:38

Next time she starts, tell her that it has to stop and she has to treat you with respect and talk to you nicely, or she won't get to see her grandchild at all.

Sunburntnoseandears · 22/07/2019 12:41

I would be looking to ft nursery.
Your mh is being damaged imo.

Your ds isn't a bloody toy.
Get them both a baby Annabel and a buggy.
Block mil number and dh can deal with her. You shouldn't be handling both of them!

ineedaholidaynow · 22/07/2019 12:51

How close do they live to you?

I would seriously think about moving, I couldn’t cope with what you are having to put up with.

Grumpelstilskin · 22/07/2019 13:46

Yep, I would actually stop their access to your DS for at least a while to reset their expectations and agree with full time nursery. The more they try to push and throw tantrums, the longer I would stop all access. Also, completely block them all for a few weekends to have some quality family time for just you, your DH and DS. Turn this around and become the adult in this whole circus. Going forward drastically reduce contact and insist on spending time alone for you as a family unit. You work and need a chance to decompress.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/07/2019 13:53

Bonbon

Re your comment:-

"I feel so bad for my dad as he is such a quiet man and just puts up with her even though she speaks to him like dirt. I will post an update after she has been in to watch my son this week when I'm at work. Her messages are already showing signs of what's to come later this week.xx""

Why does your dad put up with it though; its because he actually gets what he wants out of the relationship he has with your mother who is also his wife. He is really a weak bystander of a man who has not been able or willing to protect you from her excesses of behaviour, he enables her to continue as she does. In a straight fight he would choose her over you and will continue to throw you under the bus.

I would even at this late stage find alternative childcare; she cannot fundamentally be trusted here to behave and you're already getting bad vibes about later this week. A time out for both your mother and your mother in law is essential here; neither of them should be seeing any of you currently.

Being "nice" or "fair" to such people does not work because they will see kindness as weakness and as such these types walk all over you. Your all too low boundaries to date re these women is really coming back now to bite you hard and your boundaries need to be urgently raised.

Paramicha · 22/07/2019 13:57

Sort out some childcare, get mil out of your house, keep your doors locked
Take a step back and think what you want to do, maybe visit them one a week on alternate weeks.
That will stop the moaning from them both and stop mil taking over your home.
Your dh needs to tell his mother not to visit without calling

pikapikachu · 22/07/2019 14:27

You will never make both grannies happy so stop tying yourself into knots. Stop the granny childcare and tell both grannies to act like adults or risk not seeing your child. Your child is fast approaching an age where he will end up being a pawn in their battle. Do you want them to teach him to say bad stuff about their other granny or to grill him on when he last saw their other granny and what she got him for Xmas/birthday? You're an adult and need to stop both of them from ruining your son.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 22/07/2019 16:44

Are you feeling brave OP? Heres what I had to do..might work for you too...both sets of grandparents round for dinner together ..tell neither of them the other one is invited,child in bed or better still out of the way completely..you and your dh sit them down over dinner and turn it all back on them..they will be so wrong footed when the other one turns up anyway..tell them both you have a problem that needs all their input and then explain as parents what is going to happen from here on in..demand they tell you and each other what the problem is and how its affecting you and your family all this infighting over a child and if they cannot be reasonable and clear the air then non of them will get to see your little one...you may be surprised at the outcome.If any of them have any sense they will shut up and accept that they are making you all unhappy and you cannot have it anymore....took about 6 months of huffing and puffing and us standing our ground but slowly and surely and with good grace we are all in a better position and the mums have become if not friendly at least polite and civil with each other,.Might be worth giving it a go..blowing the whole thing up and seeing what they have to say for themselves...then hopefully you can all move forward with what is best for YOUR child.

AnotherEmma · 22/07/2019 17:11

"I feel so bad for my dad as he is such a quiet man and just puts up with her even though she speaks to him like dirt."

Don't feel too bad for him. He is an adult and he is free to make his own decisions. You were a child and you had no choice. He is an enabler and he has failed to protect you from her.

Herocomplex · 22/07/2019 17:47

It’s not crazy at all to far too many of us. You’re not alone with this situation.
You will probably swing from being angry and upset to thinking if only you think of the right words you can solve it all.

Gre8scott · 22/07/2019 18:47

Why dont you find a childminder and put him in the 2days the grans have him
Then spend he weekends with you and your husband and son. Seriously cut them all out for a while they are behaving like children let them see you are his mother and they need to backoff i hate grans like that my mum got like this with my mil when my daughter was 3 and ive made it tricky for them both ever since shes 6 in 3 weeks and neither of them are coming to her party

user1497997754 · 22/07/2019 21:23

I am a grandmother and married the other grandmother has divorced and she is 24/7 on my daughter's case re the grandchildren it's scary really and I hardly see them. My solution is me and hubby moving abroad next year.....maybe my daughter and grandchildren will visit and I can have some quality time with them. Although I think Granzilla will put her oar in lol....whatever ....

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