Should I be tougher on my son?

[greatunwashed]

My son is 25 and I have never asked for board or rent from him, he works full time but after getting into a lot of debt whilst at university I always assumed he needed every penny he earnt.

Anyway my husband is saying we should throw him out and force him to live on his own, he takes no responsibilty, he spends all his wages of games and gadgets and seems to have little regard for how much he actually spends. For instance when xbox 360s first came out he bought himself one for around £350, straight after the guarantee ran out it broke and so he went out straight away and bought another one for £250, a few nights later he fixed the first one and rather than being annoyed that he'd spent £250 on a new one for no reason he just shrugged it off as if it was no big deal.

He's in a depressed state right now because his girlfriend has just dumped him, she said he was childish and that she wanted a man and not a boy, she has apparantly started seeing a prison officer. DS thinks she's every name under the sun, hates her, thinks its all so unfair but his dad says he's bringing it all on himself and I'm helping him to do it.

What should I do?

Oh goodness me. It probably doesn't help you when I say that you should've started working on this when he was about three ... But it's never too late to learn independence and financial responsibility. They are both lifeskills that can be learned and should be taught if not innate.

I left home at 18 and never went back for longer than a week, even during the long vacations.

My DH and I work hard to teach the DCs financial responsibility. I have also told them more than once that I expect them to leave home at 18 - just to get them used to the idea. We'll help of course.

It's our job to nurture children and prepare them for adult life. Not to keep them or to allow them to be children forever.

It all sounds a bit familiar to me. My elder brother is nearly 40, is married, and still uses my parent's house as his own. My other brother only moved out when he was over 30 because my parents are mad and quite seriously dysfunctional. My brother who still uses my parents house is mad and dysfunctional too and my parents do nothing about it and don't even bat an eyelid when he looses his temper and trashes the place.

Really, if you are starting to ask other people what to do and if it having a detrimental effect on your life, it may be time to find some outside help.

I don't know if Relate would be appropriate, but there are lots of councelling services around who may be able to help disentangle family life. The Tavistock Clinic in London deal with families and may be place to start.

I hope you manage to sort this out. I don't think my parents will do anything about my stupid brother. In fact, until SS or the men in white coats cart him off I don't suppose anything will change. You don't have to be like that!

Actually thinking about it the way that the op is phrased is telling enough. It isn't about being tough ( which implies being harsh and unloving) it is about being a good parent and preparing your child to be a self sufficient and independent adult. The poster seems to feel that reasonable boundaries are about harshness and denial