Should I be tougher on my son?

[greatunwashed]

My son is 25 and I have never asked for board or rent from him, he works full time but after getting into a lot of debt whilst at university I always assumed he needed every penny he earnt.

Anyway my husband is saying we should throw him out and force him to live on his own, he takes no responsibilty, he spends all his wages of games and gadgets and seems to have little regard for how much he actually spends. For instance when xbox 360s first came out he bought himself one for around £350, straight after the guarantee ran out it broke and so he went out straight away and bought another one for £250, a few nights later he fixed the first one and rather than being annoyed that he'd spent £250 on a new one for no reason he just shrugged it off as if it was no big deal.

He's in a depressed state right now because his girlfriend has just dumped him, she said he was childish and that she wanted a man and not a boy, she has apparantly started seeing a prison officer. DS thinks she's every name under the sun, hates her, thinks its all so unfair but his dad says he's bringing it all on himself and I'm helping him to do it.

What should I do?

I guess none of what I wrote sunk in properly either. His Mum made exactly the same mistakes as you are making. He was given no rules and is constantly enabled.

And my BIL is just like your son, only a lot bloody older at 44. Don't let your son turn into my BIL because he will the longer you let him continue to rule over you all. You enable this, you as his Mum are part of the problem.

You, like my MIL as well, make excuses for their respective layabout sons.

God I just wish you were my mum!!

My dh funded himself through uni - left with no debts, set up a business straight away, bought a house, got tenants to share it...

I really respect him and think he's one in a million... but I don't think he'd be where he is today without being first and foremost emotionally responsible for himself.

Is this a piss take.

When I was 16 and had started work my dad took 60% of my wages after tax, he figured it was cheaper for me to pay 60% than rent on a bedsit, we kids were really pissed of as dad was on a really really good wage. When I left home, he said here is your board money from the last 6 years I am buying you new carpets and curtains through out.
Tough lesson (nice suprise at the end) but he taught me how to budget and now 15 years on I need new carpets, he is refusing to buy them for me but maybe you could buy me them instead.

It's like the 1950s in your house - your DS should be buying the latest Hornby train set not Xboxes.

Reading this has made me so cross with those men of yours. Please do put your foot down with your DS and at the very least charge rent. Also, if he won't start helping you around the house then I really think that you should give him notice. Force him to become a man or he will ruin some poor girl's life. I am sure that he loves you dearly, but he also needs to start learning some respect for you.

Good luck!

PS: My mum has three grown-up children and spends an absolute maximum of £25 on us for Christmas and birthdays.

My XP was a pampered baby like your ds.
That's why he's X.

How long did the gf put up with him, just out of interest?

greatunwashed, you know this is a disaster and something has to be done, or you wouldn't have posted about it!

I've got an idea - why don't you move out? Book yourself a holiday for 2 weeks - either alone or with a friend - and announce to DH and DS that you are off, they are grown men and you're sick of being their slave, you'll be back in 2 weeks and see how they've got on. If DS doesn't find it to his liking well hard cheese because that's how it's going to be from now on - he'll be paying his way, doing his share of chores and acting like an adult, in preparation for getting his own place - deadline 6 months. As for DH, tell him you totally agree DS should take responsibility and look after himself, so you'd like to see DH setting him a good example.

Then enjoy your break!

HA HA HA HA HA, this IS a joke, isn't it? Your son is 25 and living at home, no rent, no chores, great big whopping Christmas presents (Dare I ask what he gets for his birthday??) Sheesh, you must really like being the martyr (sp?) of the family... I had debts after uni, few people don't, but that in no way excused me from paying my mum a nominal rent, or doing chores round the house (which we all did anyway, as we were/are members of the household, and it's only polite). Big presents stopped once we didn't believe in Santa, I actually emigrated at 22 so I could move in with my now-DH, but the whole 'Oh, houses are too expensive' excuse is just that - an excuse. He could always go and rent a room in a shared house, like my brother and sister, and to be honest, the rent for that a month is the same as your son's Xbox, so he could easily afford that. If he never learns how to look after himself, to stand up for himself in the real world, then he will NEVER find a girlfriend, every woman/girl/person i know, has met men like your son, and to be honest, ran a mile rather than have a man treat them like some kind of substitute mother. You are really, really, actually ruining your son, please, stop treating him like this and making him useless excuses, there is nothing sadder than a man living at home like this, it's going to ruin his life.. Hope you actually read these messages and take it on board, sorry about being personal, but you really need to take a good hard look at how you enable your son to act in such a selfish way. Good luck.

God, that was a bit harsh luxmum! The op has disappeared anyway...

I havn't disapeared.

His girlfriend was with him for around 9 months, she was constantly unhappy with him, tried to change him, critised the way we lived (she found it amazing that we all share a 2 bedroomed flat rather than a house) and basically spent all her time pulling us down. She distanced herself from DS when she moved to a new job but used to excuse that she found him too childish, she was apparantly mortified because I'd bought him some boxer shorts (he works long hours and said he needed some so I picked some up whilst I was out, no big deal).

I know this is not ideal but he gets depressed easy and I'm cocerned that if I suddenly change the way we treat him he will take it personally and after splitting with gis gf I don't want him to feel like everyone hates him, apparantly his friends at work have been taking the mick out of him alot recently too (unrelated to this).

I wish there was a way I could ease him into it so that he voluntarily helped to change things.

Easing him into it just isn't in it - you give him everything he needs!

You need to be tougher with him. You really aren't doing him any favours by indulging him like this. He needs to grow up and join the adult world.

your ds must be lifesteeth's ex!

I am glad you have not disappeared but I am wondering if you are going to change your behaviours.

You as his Mum are part of the problem. That is harsh yes, but true. It will become harder for both of you to change things for the better the longer you leave this and continue to indulge him.

So what if he works long hours, can he not buy some clothes in his lunch hour, what about the weekend?. Why are you buying boxer shorts for him?. I suppose as well he did not pay you for those either. Its not doing him any favours, can't you see you are infantalising him? (as my MIL does with her son). You are making the self same mistakes as she has done. He is 44 and still at home with them; he is very much like your own son in a lot of ways. He is deeply unhappy.

Have the three of you ever sit down and talked house rules and what is expected from one another chores and monetary wise?. No?. Well that's another big mistake.

And there's another thing that you may not have considered - he may also be depressed because you keep smothering him. You have (as my MIL has done) never allowed him to take responsibility for his own actions.

He sounds vrey depressed to me. Really, the best thing for yoru ds is for you to enable him to be responsible for his own life. I left home at 20 to get married and it was fantastic - but before that I'd cooked, cleaned, generally helped at home (I was studying so didn't pay rent). If you are feeling low, making the move on your own gives you so much more confidence, and also enables you to be whoever you want to be. It is a massive boost to your self-esteem.

Your ds' ex-girlfriend may have had a point. Underwear-buying could be seen as her job, if anyones'. He is not going to find another relationship like that one unless he acts like a man.

I am sure there is something out there he could afford to rent, maybe with a friend. By saying there isn't, end of story, you are convincing yourself of something you want to believe. It doesn't matter if after rent he has no money - that's life - there are lots of things he can do that are cheap or free as ways of meeting new people.

It's hardly surprising he is getting the mick taken - I should think he is an easy target.

You can let him go. You can be the best mother in the world and help him to move on.

flippin hell. buying underwear is HIS job!

Oh, I loved buying underwear for my bfs. Made sure it was tasteful for a start.

I am really sorry to burden you further but actaully his depression may well be born out of a feeling of helplessness. Think about how it makes you feel when anyone around you does things for you you are perfectly capeable of doing - I know it pisses me off and it is because the implication is that you are useless.
You are constantly teaching him that he is useless, incapeable of doingthosethings for himself that my 14 year old manages. What exactly do you expect the outcome to be?
I am only being blunt because I don't think that you are taking on board what others aresaying.
You need to be really really careful that you act in HIS best interests and not out of your need to be needed.
My 10 year old has profound autism and even for this child his ability to do small tasks ghimself has a massive impact on his self esteem and his happiness.
You need to help your son take care of himself . THAT is a gift

the op doesn't seem to be actually responding to anything anyone is saying to her . Merely reeling off a list of things she does for him. She must be deeply in denial about all this...

Not if she's started a thread.

Peggoty, I think the thing is that the OP does not see herself as really being at the root of the problem, and yet every post is telling her how she is enabling this behaviour in both her son and her husband. No-one likes to hear they are in the wrong. It's whether she is prepared to acknowledge the issues she has and act to correct them that is the problem. You are right, she is in denial, and behaviour this entrenched in 3 adults is extremely hard to change without all 3 of the partys being prepared to take resonsibility for themselves and their behaviour.

But I think the fact the OP has started the thread shows a glimmer of awareness, even if her posts are self-justifying.

I agree that op is aware there is a problem or she wouldnt have posted, BUt, the question is, did she really see her behaviour as the problem? I think she thought that only her son and possibly her dh had to change, not her too?

The title is 'Should I be tougher on my son'. We all agree with her (although in truth she wouldn't be being tough, she'd be doing what he needs.)

I know, but the very fact that she phrased it as a question and not as a statement still implies that she really does not think deep down it is her....perhaps "help me be tougher on my ds" or "how can I be tougher on DS" would have been more indicative of her acceptance of her role in this? I know it's only phrasing and words, but they can show a subconsious frame of mind can't they?

I agree she may have been hoping for a 'no' rather than a 'yes'. But that hasn't happened, and maybe some of the replies will help her to see the stories she's told herself about her ds (that he won't cope, can't afford it) and she's realise she has two men in he rhouse, not a man and a boy.