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Original poster

Bin him now or face to face?

28 replies

Sweeterthejuice · 20/07/2019 11:36

I met a guy 5.5 months ago on POF. I wasn't looking for a relationship, I joined on a whim to boost my ego after a very traumatic split. I just really wanted someone to scratch my itch on weekends when my kids are at their Dad's.

This guy was really kind, cooked beautiful meals, the sex was amazing. We also got on and I felt very relaxed in his company. We have a had a mini break, we like to go for coffee together and it felt really easy to be with him.

He's only over here to work, he's Italian so will eventually return home. His children are over there and all his family. He has met my kids as he helped me move house a couple of months ago. They like him.

A couple of months in I said I would hide my POF profile as I was getting a lot of messages. He said he would do the same, there is a tiny possibility he didn't understand me as English is his second language.

Last night I think he was out, he often goes out with his workmates on a Friday. We do normally WhatsApp each other a lot and say Good Morning and Goodnight to each other. I hadn't heard from him all evening which was slightly unusual.

I have begun to have a few doubts and I went on POF to find his profile is still visible and he had been active on Thurs. I feel like a massive twat. I know we're not in a serious relationship but I thought we were exclusive. He's messaged this morning and asked what time should he come over. I'm annoyed and a bit upset but know I should end this. WWYD? Do it by phone or in person? Does he deserve an opportunity to explain?

OP posts:
NameChangeNugget · 20/07/2019 11:46

I think you’re massively over reacting.

Why don’t you have a sensible face to face conversation to voice your concerns.

VWGolfmk2 · 20/07/2019 11:47

Its really up to you if you feel he can say anything that negates this and will make you trust him again. He's been actively OLD - what explanation is there other than he is looking for other women/dates? genuine question. I'm not being harsh but I'm a seasoned OLD and you need to protect yourself from the utter bullshittery that comes with the territory.

My experience is protect yourself, don't get caught up in some long convolute story that ultimately just puts the heartbreak off for a another few weeks. Get his explanation if you feel it will help but be very clear what your boundaries are and take time to think x

Epona1 · 20/07/2019 11:48

Like you said, he may have misheard/ misunderstood you about the pof profile thing.

I’d at least do it face to face, gauge his reaction when you ask about the profile and whether he’d had a nice evening out?

At the end of the day it’s up to you and what you feel more comfortable with. Would be a shame to end it if it was a genuine misunderstanding

SandyY2K · 20/07/2019 11:50

I think you're overreacting, especially as you can't be sure he understood you.

Thingsdogetbetter · 20/07/2019 11:55

"I THOUGHT we were exclusive", is different from "we had agreed to be exclusive"? How long is he planning to stay in the UK? If you recognise, and accept, this isn't going to be long term and isn't serious then speak to him face to face. Ask to be exclusive, ask that he deletes (hides mightn't be a clear enough word - I've no idea what that means) and see what he says. Taken it from there before being offended and dumping.

Original poster
Sweeterthejuice · 20/07/2019 12:20

I think you're overreacting, especially as you can't be sure he understood you

I was offering that in his defence. When we chatted on the phone before our date I told him something but then a few weeks in he was surprised when I mentioned it again and said he couldn't have understood whenI told him on the phone.

When he was here last time I accidentally opened the app when I was clicking in the email. That might have happened but I doubt it. On Thurs night he said he had been missing his kids, he does go quiet on WhatsApp when he's feeling down but he could also have been trawling POF. I had a very busy evening too, I don't sit around stalking him on WhatsApp. I feel a twat now as I had been complaining about my bad knee and pre menopausal niggles duting my exercise class. He was probably on POF seeking out a younger woman

OP posts:
MrsAJ27 · 20/07/2019 12:39

Just speak to him, you are jumping to conclusions without giving him a chance to explain.

Yellowweatherwarning · 20/07/2019 12:40

Is he married?

Original poster
Sweeterthejuice · 20/07/2019 12:48

Is he married?
Hi ex lives in Italy with his boys. She is a UK National who begged him to get a job in the UK so they could move over here. He gave up a very good permanent job in their home town to work over here. Ex then decided she liked being on her own. I do believe him as his job is quite specialised. I asked him last week if he would apply to his old employers and he said he had tried a month or so ago. He visits the ex's family from time to time who live up North. I really believe he got shafted by his ex, he has told me how their marriage broke down over the years and it seems plausible. He doesn't want to be living in the shithole that is he UK when his boys are in his beatiful home country.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sweeterthejuice · 20/07/2019 12:51

I have messaged him to say I'm confused about something but he's not read it yet.

OP posts:
DianaT1969 · 20/07/2019 13:07

See him and chat. You described him as someone to scratch an itch at weekends. I don't think it makes sense to get upset if that is what it was.

Original poster
Sweeterthejuice · 20/07/2019 13:26

See him and chat. You described him as someone to scratch an itch at weekends. I don't think it makes sense to get upset if that is what it was.

That's what I was looking for initially but he is so kind and has been understanding. On our first date I said it's good job he is bald as I had caught headlice from my daughter earlier in the week. It didn't put him off. When he comes over I don't wash the dishes all weekend and he also does most of the cooking. He is a lovely guy so it's hard not to have feelings for him and I still get the flutters thinking about him.

OP posts:
Feckers2018 · 20/07/2019 13:33

My gut says hes still married and he is seeing you whilst he is away.

Original poster
Sweeterthejuice · 20/07/2019 13:40

My gut says hes still married and he is seeing you whilst he is away

I can understand why you think that. He had no reason to give up his job and move over here to work. He was on a probationary period here for about a year. He has had conversations with his ex on speakerphone while I've been around so it's
not like he was jumpy about it. She spoke in English and she sounded like a mate and thanked him for helping her out with her passport renewal.

I have looked on their Facebook accounts. She has gone back to her maiden name on hers and she's not even on his friend list.

OP posts:
tinyvulture · 20/07/2019 13:46

It sounds like you really like him, so I would give him a chance to explain if I were you.

VixenSixen · 20/07/2019 13:53

"My experience is protect yourself, don't get caught up in some long convolute story that ultimately just puts the heartbreak off for a another few weeks. Get his explanation if you feel it will help but be very clear what your boundaries are and take time to think"

I think this is some of the best advice Ive read on MN lately @VWGolfmk2 👏.... I agree with this wholeheartedly. I wasted 6months of my life with a guy who I thought things were getting serious with, I was never quite sure where I stood or if we were exclusive or not, in the end I ended it, he couldn't commit or agree exclusivity so I let him go.

Setting boundaries is incredibly important, i'm no expert by any means and I'm still learning.

A lot of the questions you have can be answered by having a frank and honest discussion with this man. Be prepared to hear something you may not want to hear and plan accordingly. You are in complete control of what you choose to put up with and allow. But the hot and cold behaviour for me would be ringing alarm bells.

🌈

Original poster
Sweeterthejuice · 20/07/2019 13:56

It sounds like you really like him, so I would give him a chance to explain if I were you.

I phoned him and like me he said he clicked on the email link and it opened the app. He didn't realise his profile wasn't hidden which is also plausible as when I first attempted to hide mine it didn't work.
I do like him a lot. If I probably wouldn't have noticed him if we had first seen each other in real life, not that our paths would have crossed anyway.
I have said to him when he eventually goes home he must settle down again as he really is a lovely attentive guy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sweeterthejuice · 21/07/2019 21:38

@Vixensixen
Sorry I must have been typing my reply and I missed yours.

We had a chat last night, he said he knows I would like more but he can't commit as he really wants to go home to Italy as soon as he can. That would mean when he can get a job over there. He said he would understand if I couldn't cope with that.

He said we both wanted fun at the start but after a few weeks he realised it was more. I do believe him as before his job was made permanent he told me he'd applied for a job in Poland and he had tears in his eyes at one point and made me promise to visit him out there.

OP posts:
SlinkyDogDash · 21/07/2019 21:50

I would cut this off now. You both wanted something casual, now you want something more committed and hes told you he wont be offering that. It sounds like he likes you but ultimately he will be gone sooner or later and the longer you keep seeing him the harder it will be on you.

Severnlurveheart · 22/07/2019 06:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cambionome · 22/07/2019 06:40

"The shit hole that is the UK..." Hmm

What the fuck does that mean? I've lived in Italy and believe you me, it's not all wine and roses.

Original poster
Sweeterthejuice · 23/07/2019 22:28

@Cambionome
My words, not his. He is from a nice town in Italy. He would never have chosen to come here.

OP posts:
CatAndHisKit · 24/07/2019 00:32

Cambionome exactly! A lot of problems in Italy, and there has been for a while. Obviously if he can get a great job there, it's nice for him, but different from many other italians. OP, why do you think there is a big influx of young Italians into London?

RRJR · 24/07/2019 00:39

I know we're not in a serious relationship but I thought we were exclusive

What??? Confused I’m not even 30 and this makes no sense!
You can’t choose NOT to be in a relationship with somebody but still expect them to follow relationship rules ie commitment and not to see anybody else.

You’re either together or you aren’t Confused

To be honest OP you sound like a head fuck.
You claim you don’t want a relationship.. but you still expect the regular contact, the regular dates and expect him not to see or chat to other women? Either have a relationship with this guy or stop treating him like a boyfriend and expecting relationship rules when you arent in a relationship

crankyassnoperope · 24/07/2019 11:41

You can’t choose NOT to be in a relationship with somebody but still expect them to follow relationship rules ie commitment and not to see anybody else.

You can agree whatever you like between two people, so long as both parties know what's expected of each other. You can be exclusively dating someone and not be their girlfriend, why on earth not?

I’m not even 30

I see.

You don't sound like a headfuck to me OP. I think you're handling yourself very well.

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