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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Arsehole things your parents did when you were little..

44 replies

Brownwool · 20/07/2019 06:07

Following on from my thread about smacking - it brought back memories of other arsehole things my parents did. So I thought I'd ask again & compare notes. What random arsehole things did your parents do? I'll start:

Stamp on our toys to break them to teach us a lesson after we'd chipped or damaged something.
I had a hamster called Bluebell & my father had one of those labelling gadgets - he put a large sticker across Bluebell's cage calling her 'Jimmy Rat' Hmm - this was not done in jest.
Made me too scared to come out of my room for days on end & no one checked to see if I was ok - no food, nothing.
My brother damaged the head of my father's beloved record player - my father retaliated by smashing up my brother's bedroom..
I had long swishy ponytails at 8yo & my dm gave me a no.3 haircut all over because she hated combing it out - I felt butchered.

OP posts:
PerkyPomPoms · 20/07/2019 06:09

At dinner would hover over my plate and pick out the nicest bits and eat them. If I complained I was being rude. Forced me to go to a nudist beach and be naked - awful :(

londonloves · 20/07/2019 06:11

Awful to read these, so sorry you guys went through this. My memories of some of the shit I went through are buried quite deep, but involve a lot of smacking, yelling, being told I should never have been born and I made her sick etc.
We can break the cycle with our own kids 💜

Gingerkittykat · 20/07/2019 06:12

Brownwool, that goes beyond arseholery and is just downright abusive.

FuriousVexation · 20/07/2019 06:20

If he was in a bad mood, our dad would randomly kick apart anything we'd made, e.g. lego towns.

But in the main, the abuse from both of them was more subtle and insidious. Leaving aside the sexual abuse, there was a lot of emotional abuse and a refusal to allow us to feel our feelings.

OP you'd probably benefit from the Stately Homes thread, if you're not already on it.

justilou1 · 20/07/2019 06:31

I have nine broken arms before I turned ten and my mother told everyone it was because I had brain damage from being born prematurely. She also wouldn’t let me take my asthma spray to school and wouldn’t tell them I had asthma. Instead, I was neurotic. Nearly died a couple of times. She also cut hunks of hair from the front near my face the day before my first school photos and told everyone I had done it myself, telling me that nobody would believe me, as “little girls do this sort of thing all the time!”... And shaved my eyebrows off, and convinced our GP that I had repeated yeast infections and uti’s (I didn’t) and I ended up having two unnecessary surgeries. Then when my cousin had his adenoids removed, suddenly she told the GP that I had the symptoms too... guess who had more surgery? This list could go on for ever....

hidinginthenightgarden · 20/07/2019 06:47

I think "arsehole" should be abusive!
These things are shocking! My mum hit us alot when we were kids. Nothing as awful as what some have written.

thirdcoffeeoftheday · 20/07/2019 06:59

I'm so sorry, OP. I second the recommendation of the Stately Homes thread.

Your memories make mine seem very trivial, but I mostly remember having very severe anxiety (and what I later identified as OCD) so that I barely slept at night for years. Nobody ever made any effort to help or comfort me; I just got yelled at and told I was naughty. One small thing that still bugs me: they knew that part of my anxiety related to terror that we'd all die in a house fire because we didn't have a smoke alarm and the firefighter who came into school said all homes need one, but they refused to get one because they thought they were annoying.

Oversharing/ making me responsible for my mother's emotions, especially once I got into my teens.

Being told that I was clumsy and that I always broke things: that I was "bloody careless" when my brother broke something; that every time my mother got something nice, I spoiled it. Not being believed when I said truthfully that I hadn't broken something.

Rages and withdrawal from my mother if I innocently bruised her ego. The one that always sticks with me is that, as quite a young child, I asked her out of curiosity if she'd ever had any regrets about having children. I was just becoming aware that some women have children and some don't, and I was starting to think about the different choices I could make when I was a woman. She reacted by flying off the handle and raging at me about how much I'd hurt and insulted her because I should know that she was a brilliant mother, and then withdrawing and refusing to say anything to me because I'd hurt her so much. I was left feeling terrible shame but I still had no idea what I was supposed to have done.

SamStephens · 20/07/2019 07:08

I think the worst thing my dad did was slam a bottle of tomato sauce down on the table which ended up splitting/smashing my plate - which I just had made personally for me with my own drawing.

The memory is so vivid because I remember doing a drawing of danger mouse and being so proud of it and the school printed it onto cheap plastic type plates for us to take home and the first time I got to eat off of it he lost his temper and the sheer force of him slamming the sauce bottle on the table caused it to split in half.. my brothers plates survived though.

If that’s the worst I probably did okay though, as a parent now I totally understand those point break moments.

evilharpy · 20/07/2019 07:33

I came onto this thread expecting it to be lighthearted but this is just awful to read. I’m so sorry that you’ve all had to go through this. The parents you describe are not arseholes; they are abusers. Flowers

Branster · 20/07/2019 07:38

Reading this thread made me cry and made me very angry that some of you on here had to suffer so, so much as children. I want to give you the biggest hug ever. I’m so, so sorry you had such negative experiences.

Leakinglikeacolander · 20/07/2019 07:42

Echo comments regarding abuse rather than arseholery.
Awful to read what you were put through.Flowers

RantyAnty · 20/07/2019 07:51

A lot of sabotage.
Was very jealous and competitive of us girls. She had extremely low expectations of us as she couldn't bare to see anyone do better than she did.

A lot of neglect. I don't recall her ever teaching me anything, doing anything with me, hugging me or being supportive.

As a young child I had wandered off in remote area and being lost for hours and somehow I managed to find my way back and she'd be sitting by the caravan and didn't even notice I was missing.

I went off to a lake by myself to swim. Thankfully it was busy as I nearly drowned and a man saved me. I walked back to the caravan and told her what happened and she didn't seem bothered at all. Didn't notice I was gone.

IdaBWells · 20/07/2019 07:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IdaBWells · 20/07/2019 07:59

RantyAnty I think severe neglect is one of the most commonly reported and experienced forms of abuse.

pollyglot · 20/07/2019 08:11

My mother's unpredictable anger and violence - a big, strong woman, her riding crop made vicious weals, specially when she used it on us in the bath. Her, and my father's assumption that children were to be used as free labour, rather than having an actual life - mowing half an acre of grass, weeding the vegetables, painting the house, doing all the housework on the weekend so that she could play golf all week. I was cooking the evening meal for the family at age 10.Rages for no apparent reason, horribly abusive treatment of our pets, jealousy of our burgeoning youth and beauty, sneering at our academic prowess and love of reading. Reading our diaries, steaming open our letters, refusal to buy us a second school blouse, so that we had to wear the same one all week, giving my sister and me the dark cold bedroom, despite my annual 6 weeks' illness and time off school every winter, with asthma and bronchitis. Our baby sitter, the teenaged son of a neighbour, sexually abused us. When I told her about it, many years later, her response was "Are you blaming me? What am I supposed to do about it? I was sexually abused too, you know." I, aged 8, walked on a rusty nail, which went right through my foot. I didn't tell my parents, as I had walked, barefoot, in an out-of-bounds area, and my fear of their anger outweighed the incredible pain of the nail through my foot. I never confided in my mother, because she had no empathy. I could go on, but it depresses me.

YouJustDoYou · 20/07/2019 08:28

Laughed when at 12 i asked her and my step dad to please stop having sex because my brother and I couldn't sleep (we were sharing a hotel room). Continued shagging so I took my little brother and pulled our duvets off the bed and we went and slept in the bathroom. She bit my face and laughed another time when I was 14 and was trying to put her in the taxi I'd called for her to take her home as she was too drunk. Would talk to me like I was her adult friend, telling me how she wanted to kill herself. Would get raging drunk and scream at me that I had a boyfriend and she didn't and how I had no idea what she ws going through. Let me dad talk to me like shit, tell me I was stupid etc. So much more.

Anewbooknotanewchapter · 20/07/2019 08:40

Jesus....some of these are fucking awful. I am so sorry to posters who had such a horrific childhood. I was going to post mine but wont now as it just doesn't seem right to against the backdrop of these terrible experiences. Flowers to you all

Robin2323 · 20/07/2019 08:57

ThanksThanksThanks

Brownwool · 20/07/2019 09:28

I was sexually abused too. I wasn't going to mention it as I was thinking of the small stuff when I wrote this post. But reading back your experiences made me remember when I got married. My dm took my wedding lingerie & showed it to my stepfather - she held it up against herself - 'Look what Brown'll be wearing' - I was mortified. She had no idea of the inappropriateness of that, especially considering my background which she knew all about.

OP posts:
Zenithbear · 20/07/2019 09:38

I was locked in my room for something I didn't do. Kicked, threatened to be hit with various objects.
I had everything second hand whilst my siblings had the same things brand new.
I was neglected but expected to parent the younger child.
I was never allowed to be sad or upset. We all had to show how happy we were.
I also had to have a basin hair cut when my hair got too long and beautiful for her.
I am low contact with most of my family. My mother still tries to upset me. She does things like rants and raves about me being no good then the next day will ask me for a favour. I now say no so she cries. She knows her power is going. She then tries to threaten me with being left out of the will but she knows I have my own money. I just say do what you want it's your money.

misslucienne · 20/07/2019 09:52

God these are so sad, I'm so sorry for what you have all suffered at the hands of your parents. Absolutely shocking.

ColdAndSad · 20/07/2019 10:01

When I told my mother our GP had been sexually abusing me for years, she said, "Oh, aren't you lucky, he's gorgeous!" I was eight at the time. Instead of moving to a different GP she started sending me and my sister in to see him unsupervised.

My mother would routinely buy me new things, and then give them to my sister, and be angry with me if I complained about it. I ended up one winter with only strappy sandals to wear on my feet, and no coat, as my sister had taken my coat and boots. My father shouted at me for wearing such ridiculous footwear when it was snowing outside, then shouted at me again when I told him my sister had my boots, and refused to let me into the car so I had to walk home.

When I was in my early twenties they were investigated for tax fraud. My mother told the Inland Revenue that I'd taken all the money. I was then taxed on the missing money, and fined, and it cost me just over £18,000. I told my mother she'd have to pay me back for that, as I'd not had any money from them at all, and she said it was my tax bill, my responsibility.

My father promised his father that he'd make sure that all his inherit

ColdAndSad · 20/07/2019 10:01

Ooops. Posted too soon. But you get the drift.

Yellowweatherwarning · 20/07/2019 10:09

My dm used to bring men round for sex. Our bathroom was via the front room and my room the other side , so I used to wee on my carpet during the night and have to blame the ddog next day.
I felt so guilty to poor ddog...
She blamed me for missing items like male up /cash , it wasn't me but there was only me and her at home...
I was only allowed to wash my hair once a week. She taped the boiler to off so I couldn't use the hot water. I boiled kettle after kettle when she was at work.
Have to wash my hair every day now or feel dirty.
Had an affair with a married man who's relative beat me up.
I was in primary school.
She didn't stop seeing him.
Without my ddog I would have cracked.

TrafficJamz · 20/07/2019 10:23

These are awful! I recently posted my own thread asking if my childhood was normal.

One thing I didn’t mention was that I had anorexia and my parents never took me to see a doctor despite one day actually being unable to move from my bed because I was so unwell and I cried to my mum who simply cooked me some chips, I ate 4 of them and she packed me off to school and no more was said about it. Only this year (20 years later) have I reached the correct BMI for the first time ever.

I only hope she didn’t know how to handle it back then. I really hope she didn’t know what to do and didn’t choose to let me go through that suffering alone.

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