Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Compassion for a lazy partner?

32 replies

Adelantee · 19/07/2019 14:57

It has been posed to me that I should perhaps have more compassion for my DP. We became pregnant 6 years ago, very suddenly after not being together very long. DP wanted me to abort, I said no, but that I did not expect him to stick around either if he didn't want to.
He did stick around.
We didn't marry, but had another child 5 months ago.
He is a nice Dad, but not a responsible Dad. And all of the responsible stuff falls to me and quite frankly, I am drowing.
I have to motivate him constantly as he is lazy and makes us late for everything otherwise. He also prioritises certain hobbies and will not back down even ig I am poorly or the children are.

It has been posed to me that he wasn't ready for the responsibility of parenting (nor was I really at 8 years younger than him and only 25 at the time of falling pregnant.) And that he needs time to adjust. DC1 is 5 years old now and I'm thinking, surely that is long enough?

I have learned that he is an inheritantly lazy person who has always been so and I'm not sure much will change. What are your thoughts?

For the record, I am protected financially should we separate with Wills etc, joint names on the mortgage and I am still working.

OP posts:

ErrolTheDragon · 19/07/2019 14:59

I'm struggling to see why he needs 'compassion'.

Ohjustboreoff · 19/07/2019 15:04

So he's nearly 40 years old and still trying to act like a young single guy? Yep definitely no sympathy. He needs to man up and stop being lazy. He had a second child with you so he knows the score. Does he work?

Original poster

Adelantee · 19/07/2019 15:09

Yes he is the breadwinner in a well paid job. My job is also well paid, but my career took the hit and I work fewer hours because I take on much more responsibility at home and I couldn't cope with everything. I can easily increase my hours should we separate, but I have missed out on promotions etc through having children, whilst he has been promoted twice.
Really struggling with the compassion thing, see?

OP posts:

MarianaMoatedGrange · 19/07/2019 15:12

He's just another lazy arse man. Threads about these are abundant. Compassion for him? Pfffft

SignedUpJust4This · 19/07/2019 15:13

He manages to hold down a job and not be lazy so he chooses to be useless at home because ehe knows you will pick up the slack. That's not how you treat someone you love.

bibliomania · 19/07/2019 15:16

Ha ha, who said that? His mother?

Save your compassion for yourself and your dcs. He's a leech.

Jog22 · 19/07/2019 15:18

I'd be interested to know who it is who is suggesting you feel 'compassion' for him. Was it someone who feels like you 'trapped' him into parenthood and so he should therefore for ever more be excused from the responsibilities of being an adult /parenthood?

Jog22 · 19/07/2019 15:20

Bibliomania xpost there. You said it so much more succinctly than me!

StellarLunar · 19/07/2019 15:26

Never mind having compassion for him. Why do you still want to be with him? Do you still want to be with him? What positives does he bring to your life?

Dontcarewhatimdoing · 19/07/2019 15:30

Why on earth should you have compassion for someone who can't be bothered to do the basics for their own children. I think he deserves your contempt, not compassion.

bibliomania · 19/07/2019 15:33

Great minds, Jog!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/07/2019 15:35

Who stated you should have more compassion for your DP?. He is a lazy arsed man who has not changed in all the years you've been in a relationship with him. The only good thing to have come out of this relationship at all are your children, nothing else is good about it.

What do you get out of this?. You've already given way over too much power and control to him already and you bought a second child into this 5 months ago (presumably this child also has his surname).

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. And your, "he is a nice dad" comment is really scraping the barrel here, it shows me how low your boundaries are.

Would you want your children to have a relationship like this as adults?.

NoSquirrels · 19/07/2019 15:37

Fuck that shit!

Entitled manchild. Pffft.

Bookworm4 · 19/07/2019 15:38

33 was too young to be a dad? Utter shite, he sounds like a spoiled brat.

madcatladyforever · 19/07/2019 15:39

Jesus Christ. WHY should you feel any compassion for this lazy utter waste of space??? I'd have left a long time ago.

NoSquirrels · 19/07/2019 15:39

He needs “time to adjust”?

Half a fucking decade is not enough time? How old does he think his children might be before he adjusts? Teenagers?

JennaJaney · 19/07/2019 18:43

Let me guess, it was his mum that said you should be compassionate?

Original poster

Adelantee · 19/07/2019 19:40

Not his mother.

A lady I work with, who has been a really close and supportive friend. She's given some great advice in the past so this comment has confused me. I've always seen her as a bit of a wise owl.

OP posts:

TanMateix · 19/07/2019 19:52

Honestly, I would say up your hours as soon as you are out of maternity leave because if he didn’t change with the first kid, he is not going to change with the second, so the better prepared you are to provide for your kids the better.

Only regret of my life was to sacrifice my career to support the one of my husband by taking most of the responsibility of being there for DS as I kick myself everyday because I cannot provide for DS as well as I wish I could, on my own and with the usual child maintenance of 15% of his dad’s net salary. Honestly, his SS has had a privileged childhood while his own son has qualified, at times, for free school dinners.

ErrolTheDragon · 19/07/2019 19:53

Maybe she's thinking about 'compassion' from a Buddhist type slant... but if so that should be balanced by wisdom, and letting a ~40yo lazy selfish manchild take the piss isn't wise!

TanMateix · 19/07/2019 19:54

... or probably she was only trying to be helpful because she likes him and doesn’t wants you to dislike him.

Original poster

Adelantee · 19/07/2019 19:57

TanMateix you may not have provided financially at times as much as you wish you could have, but you have provided emotionally and spiritually for your son. It sounds like your ex has done neither.

OP posts:

AgentJohnson · 19/07/2019 20:18

Look where being compassionate and patient has got you. This is who he is, accept it or move on.

TanMateix · 19/07/2019 21:08

@Adelantee, I have done my best but it is not only the material stuff that money can provide. I wish I could have been there for my son, available to take him to afterschool activities, support him in sports and not being so exhausted after work to help him better with his homework or to listen to him when he was not so tired. If I had kept my career, I could have gone part time and still have enough money to pay the bills, but by letting go of my career I have had to work 2 or 3 jobs at times just to make it to the end of the month. He is a great kid, we are a good team but I see he could have done much better if I had been around more.

Now, DS could have all that if I had not left his dad, but having him growing up between the disagreements of having a selfish dad and an increasingly frustrated mother was far from being the right environment to grow up in and model his ideas of what a relationship between man and woman is about.

Original poster

Adelantee · 20/07/2019 10:49

Still with him as, after going through the options of leaving with a therapist, we bi6th agreed that he could make life harder if we separated and not easier. He has a very stubborn/entitled/ awkwars streak and would want to see the DCs regularly but only on his terms. He would no doubt fob the DCs off on his elderly parents if he had other plans on his set days and they are not capable of taking care of them well, although they try. My anxiety would be through the roof.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2