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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Exhaustion as

32 replies

ExtraFox19 · 18/07/2019 23:12

Does anyone recognise the idea that a man might deny a break or help to his exhausted wife/ partner as a way of controlling/ abusing her? When she is on her knees with exhaustion and repressing her anger she will start berating him
And then be told to “ behave”. Does this sound familiar to anyone?

OP posts:

Original poster

ExtraFox19 · 18/07/2019 23:45

Must be my imagination then...

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AtrociousCircumstance · 18/07/2019 23:49

Sounds like he’s an absolute wanker and she should leave him immediately.

EKGEMS · 19/07/2019 00:38

If any one I was in a relationship with told me that I'd be referring to them in the past tense

Thingsdogetbetter · 19/07/2019 08:03

That's a common abuse tactic. You are there to be his slave, he is there to be master. Your exhaustion is not a concern for him because you are there to serve his purpose, not as a human being with needs. Your righteous indignation means you are not fulfilling your slave role and must therefore be chastised to put you back in your place. Use your righteous anger to make the changes you can. You can not change him, but you can change your life by telling him to fuck off out of it.

Original poster

ExtraFox19 · 19/07/2019 08:25

I have but he also uses what he deems to be the sorry nature of his situation post financial settlement and my comparative wealth ( from my family) as an excuse as to whinge can’t rake the children out ( because he won’t be able to get anywhere suitable for overnights) . He also wants to see children at home because it’s hard taking them out as my son has asd and my daughter is under 2 - but I take them everywhere alone and I manage. Last week after a dreadful morning and the relentless bone crushing exhaustion I have had for the last year and a half since he moved out ( but beyond that because he always used my need for “ a break” against me as if I was wanting one instead of spending time with my family) just got too much and I got angry with him. I was then told when I said that I didn’t feel like going out and sitting in a cafe like some idiot when I was exhausted and had s million jobs to do at home I can’t do with the kids he says “ we’ve all got to do our bit” and I could have killed him for that as I’ve had them on my own for 14 months and moved house etc etc. I was then told to “ behave” when I got angry. He then took the kids out all day in the car and the smell breather I had made the refusal of it feel all the more brutal if you see what I mean. Dreading his visit this weekend. When I get angry he stops communicating so I don’t know what to expect.

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Quartz2208 · 19/07/2019 08:28

Have you separated and this is contact at your home

If so you can say no and tell him to do it via the courts

BlackBirdInMyGarden · 19/07/2019 08:30

So you have actually split up? It sounds like he is doing the bare minimum to try and punish you and get you to think you can't cope.

So, he is coming to your house for contact because he can't cope with taking his children out on his own, but berating you for feeling knackered for having them 24/7?

Original poster

ExtraFox19 · 19/07/2019 08:57

Quarz2208’i don’t want to do that to my children as they see little enough of him as it is and they do benefit from time with him. BlackBirdInMyGarden yes that’s essentially it but I’m not berated for being tired unless I don’t say I’m tired.

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hugoagogo · 19/07/2019 09:01

You are important ( not least to your children) and you are suffering because of his visits.

Original poster

ExtraFox19 · 19/07/2019 09:25

The thing that really upsets me is input everything I have into my children and I love them desperately but my son had very verbal very intense asd and is extremely controlling of me. He also shouts much of the day ( not in anger it’s just his volume). My daughter is highly energetic. I love them to bursting but I get frustrated and exhausted. I cannot do anything for myself. I cannot go anywhere because I have no support and no one I can leave them with other than my husband. I get frazzled and exhausted and desperate and he gets to turn up and be fun, patient daddy because that’s all they know.

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Original poster

ExtraFox19 · 19/07/2019 11:13

I’m starting to lose my temper because I’m so exhausted and it’s so unfair that he gets to blame me for all
The practical and emotional fallout and turn up once a week and be the great dad.

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redexpat · 19/07/2019 11:16

Are there any family members who can give you some respite?

Original poster

ExtraFox19 · 19/07/2019 11:23

No parents are elderly and can’t manage. Mil is abroad and wouldn’t help anyway. No one else.

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Amibeingdaft81 · 19/07/2019 11:29

He sounds a twat
But she sounds a bit martyrish

What are we talking about here? Housework / work / children - combo?

Amibeingdaft81 · 19/07/2019 11:30

sorry I see you clarified

Amibeingdaft81 · 19/07/2019 11:32

Does your son go to school or nursery?

Original poster

ExtraFox19 · 19/07/2019 11:55

Sorry to be a martyr

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Original poster

ExtraFox19 · 19/07/2019 11:57

Son in nursery 2 hours. No help. All housework and childcare. I’m a martyr sorry.

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Viviene · 19/07/2019 12:11

You say 'comparative wealth' - is it enough to hire help? If so, do it ASAP.
A cleaner and a babysitter for a start would help immensely.

Original poster

ExtraFox19 · 19/07/2019 12:34

It’s not that easy to get a babysitter for a child with asd who is extremely controlling and finds communication difficult and has high anxiety when misunderstood and an under 2 with separation anxiety. I have someone coming for about 5 days of 6 week
summer through a charity as they have sen experience but I pay them. And still can’t leave them with kids as too
Unfamiliar. Trying to find a cleaner has been more difficult so just mopping late at night. I’m
Also very depressed in general and as my stbx blames me for everything it’s hard psychologically. My sons autism
Is very rigid ,energetic and relentless. I love him desperately but it takes a big toll never having a minutes peace. I do t want to come across as a martyr though, I didn’t want sympathy just to know if anyone else had experienced similar with an unwilling husband even when on your knees with tiredness.

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Amibeingdaft81 · 19/07/2019 17:18

Sorry to be a martyr

Quite possibly the most martyish comment that exists!

Haffiana · 19/07/2019 17:34

It’s not that easy to get a babysitter for a child...

It is easier than being constantly exhausted and constantly angry with your ex.

I am sorry, but you need to find some clarity about what exactly you want. It is hard when you are exhauseted, very hard. However, do you want a solution to your exhaustion or not? Just because your mind and emotions have linked your exhaustion with your frustration at your ex's behaviour doesn't mean that they are, in fact, directly linked.

And saying that you don't mean to be a martyr doesn't actually mean you are not being one.

Write down what needs to change and then make a list of how you are going to achieve that. You will feel so much more energy when you start to take steps to make changes to your situation.

Thatsalovelycuppatea · 19/07/2019 17:38

Are you my neighbour???!

Stayawayfromitsmouth · 19/07/2019 17:48

Well the ex sounds like he's making everything infinitely harder. Just stop facilitating him. Make him clarify contact through the courts. If you can afford it, can you get an au pair/ live in childcare/ mothers help/ or nursery places?
You need to take care of yourself and don't feel guilty. We all need a break and your situation sounds untenable.
Have a think about finances and what who you can hire to help. Can you access health visitor or Gp to point you in the right direction for relief?
But seriously stop thinking your ex will be anything but a hindrance to your lives. Disengage from him emotionally.

Original poster

ExtraFox19 · 19/07/2019 18:42

Why would I be your neighbour Thatsalovelycuppatea?

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