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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend and female coworker

36 replies

Mudv · 18/07/2019 22:58

My boyfriend (31) has been messaging his female ex-colleague (23).

I am 29 and have been with him for almost 18months. We worked at the same place. This girl was his colleague for one year. Even though he left, he can't stop talking to her. Regardless of my protest.

Back in August I found out he had been messaging her on Facebook nearly every day. It looked like he really had a crush on her. Always checking she was OK and concerned for her, wanting to give advice, telling her he was there if she needed anything....

I asked him to stop bc he crossed the line. Asked her to smoke weed with him, "JUST YOU AND ME". He promised then to stop when I upset. Initially he lied and said someone was spreading rumours, but I had read it with my own eyes.

On our holiday abroad he was messaging her. I almost had a panic attack. He had sent her photos of our hol (obv without any including me, and photos I HAD SENT HIM). He then said he was going to miss her, and "the times we had" (WHAT TIMES DID THEY HAVE??). THe stab in the heart was saying she was the definitely the prettiest.

Lord give me strength.

Now, 4 months later, it starts again. He has added her again on Facebook and liked some of her photos. He doesn't like my photos or write messages on my facebook.In fact there is no evidence we are a couple as he never posts anything with us!

ALso he secretly asked her to smoke a cigarette in his bedroom (staff accommodation) on his last night at work. He was MIA to me, lied saying he was tired and no mention of this girl. She went to see him.

Please tell me this man is a moron. I need help to get over it. I am completely gutted and have to see this stupid girl at work.

TL;DR
Boyfriend is making me think I am psychotic. Am I being incredibly jealous or is this totally inappropriate behaviour?????

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 18/07/2019 23:20

Why are you with him when he is so clearly into someone else?
He may not be a moron; she may not be stupid it’s hard to tell...
But what’s clear is that he seems to enjoy attention of two women.
And as long as both of you give it to him - he’ll have what he wants.

StVincent · 18/07/2019 23:23

Oh come on, I’m afraid you know the answer to this one. He’s embarrassingly attracted to her leaving alone the question of whether anything has happened. He is desperate for it to, if it hasn’t happened yet.

How does he defend doing things that clearly upset and disrespect you?

And why haven’t you dumped him
Yet?

Original poster
Mudv · 18/07/2019 23:42

Thank you for your advice, I am losing my sanity over this. He made me feel like I was mad. I don't know why he kept me, I guess like you said, he wanted the attention of two women. I actually feel physically ill. He even went to her birthday party, told me I could not go bc it was embarrassing (I had confronted her about their little thing) and I was forced to go home alone. Please help I feel actually sick

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 18/07/2019 23:49

I don't know why he kept me

No, you've got this all wrong. Why have you kept him? You need to dump this guy. He's treating you so badly and you're letting him. Dump him and go do some work on your self-esteem.

AtrociousCircumstance · 18/07/2019 23:51

Christ almighty. Come on, woman! He’s pathetic. He’s obviously deeply into this other woman, lying to you and treating you like an absolute idiot - and if you waste even one more minute on this tosser you’re being a complete fool.

SummerWhisper · 18/07/2019 23:57

You have already provided the answer in your original post: there is no evidence we are a couple

You are definitely not a couple. I hope you have the option to move out or kick him out Love is about being equal, putting each other first, making each other feel right. I wish you strength Flowers

CrispbuttyNo1 · 18/07/2019 23:59

Omg pick yourself up from under his feet, get some dignity and cut all contact with him. He's blatantly cheating on you.

EKGEMS · 19/07/2019 00:00

Do tell him to drop dead.Twice.

hellsbellsmelons · 19/07/2019 09:34

Re-read your posts.
What would you tell a friend who was telling you all of this?
You'd tell her to dump his ass.
We are all saying the same.
He's a tosser and cheater and a liar.
You can do far better.
Tell him to fuck off.

Hanab · 19/07/2019 09:40

Dump him and move on .. don’t subject yourself to this 🌷

ukgift2016 · 19/07/2019 10:02

How much are you going to put up with before enough is enough?

He will end it with you before you do at this rate.

NeonLights · 19/07/2019 10:56

You really need to ask yourself why you are putting up with this. Do you not believe you deserve better?

You need to kick his arse to the kerb and not get into another relationship with anyone remotely like him. You deserve someone who will love and respect you.

BandsAndBeer · 19/07/2019 11:33

I can't imagine why you haven't dumped him already.

What is it that is keeping you going along with this sham?

Neither of you have any respect for you. Dump him and do some work on yourself. He's pathetic but you can't expect someone to treat you with respect when you are showing them so constantly that you don't respect yourself.

Original poster
Mudv · 19/07/2019 13:41

@bandsandbeer Thanks, yes I tried to break up with him before, but he would tell me sorry and excuses. I have run out of energy with it and now I blocked him, with 4 months of not seeing him.

He moved back home to Spain and wanted me to join him after summer. He only called me 3-4 times since being away and I know is having secret conversations with this girl and potentially others. It's done now and I should have been stronger earlier on. I lost 1.5 years and 1.5 stone in weight from stress but at least it wasn't more.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mudv · 19/07/2019 13:45

@hellsbellsmelons @NeonLights @HundredMilesAnHour Thanks it's clear I have very low self esteem, I know this already, for a long time it has been a problem but I have tried to make it better. He used this to manipulate me and make me feel like I am crazy, imagining things and being jealous. He even told me I lose weight because I have psychological problems. Actually pal, you're the one with psycho problems, I'm losing weight because you give me emotional abuse, playing mind games and upsetting people you are supposed to love. When I tried to leave he would pull me back. I know all the signs now to never get into this again. I'm almost 30, I don't have time for this

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 19/07/2019 16:49

Well done OP.
So glad he is dumped.
The Womens Aid Freedom Programme will be a good thing to do.
It will help with your boundaries, self-esteem and also help you to avoid fuckwits like this in future.

NameChangeNugget · 19/07/2019 17:21

He sounds like a headfuck.

Fizzysours · 19/07/2019 18:53

Is he ditched? The other girl will soon see through him. What a nob. You are reacting completely normally...in no way are you psycho. If he wants you back..tell him his 'chronic insecurity and need for female attention to feel ok about himself' makes him seem too pathetic and has stopped you fancying him.....

Mythreefavouritethings · 19/07/2019 19:38

It’s all well and good to gather reasons to walk away from all of us and believe me, we can between us probably fairly easily provide you with them, but that alone won’t stop this. Can you write down pros and cons of this and then look at them. Any pros relating to feelings/fear/‘he’s irreplaceable’ are not strong enough to hold. What do you love? What actually works? Pitting it against the cons (liar, cheat, clearly wants someone else) take a good honest look at YOUR words and thoughts written down. For what it’s worth, he’s a dud. Chuck and upgrade.

Original poster
Mudv · 20/07/2019 20:09

@Mythreefavouritethings @Fizzysours thank you and yes I have blocked his cheating ass. After reading the comments here and re-reading my own pitiful post, I was so furious with him I can't feel sad about it. I'm trying to deal with the anger now but yes I have written down the garbage he put me through so I don't forget. I also have screenshots of the messages between him and the girl, and when I look at those, let me tell you... Hell hath no fury. He is well and truly DELETED out of my life. Thank you again everyone for your kind help. Honestly without this push I don't know when I would have got the nerve to block him and stand up for myself

OP posts:
Sabich · 20/07/2019 20:15

@Mud you deserve much, much better

Original poster
Mudv · 20/07/2019 20:43

@sabich thank you I appreciate it very much. Starting to believe so myself. This is a reminder forever to me, what not to accept, ever again! The definition of a creepy b*stard.

OP posts:
OpheliaTodd · 20/07/2019 20:46

I mean this kindly. Grow a spine ffs and dump him.

Fizzysours · 21/07/2019 10:26

Well done. It isn't easy. Enjoy the sunshine and look after yourself and have a fab fuckwit-free summer xx

GuitarDadOf2 · 21/07/2019 10:35

Sounds like you did the right thing