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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

8 months pregnant and found out husband cheating

44 replies

Mamatobe19 · 18/07/2019 21:27

First of all to say, my husband and I have been together 10+ years and we love each other, I know that. However he told me a few weeks ago he’s been having an affair with a younger woman from work - it started as a drunken mistake and then ended up feeling addicted to it and unable to get out of it for fear of consequences, even though I was pregnant. In the end he said he told me as he doesn’t want it to continue, feels guilty and wants to make amends and be totally there for the next phase of our life.

On the one hand I know he loves me and wants to make it work - especially with our baby due in a month. I know how you can get carried away on a bubble of lust (I’ve not cheated before but been tempted and am quite rational about the difference between love and lust and that people can cheat and still make a relationship work) and as mad as it sounds I’m impressed he had the bravery to tell me. However I’m struggling so much to trust him, to know how to reset boundaries and whether I should actually be considering leaving him. I feel in a really vulnerable position because I’m due with our first baby so soon. I really do love him and want to stay with him but can’t trust he won’t do it again and leave me in the future. He’s said he’s ended contact with her, but I know he did have feelings for her and that’s so hard to deal with emotionally.

We have really close friends and family who we both know would be absolutely appalled by what he’s done and so I can’t really talk to anyone else about this. I’d really appreciate any advice - ideally non judgmental and practical so I can rationally work our what to do. Thank you x

OP posts:

usersouthcoast · 18/07/2019 21:32

Firstly - I'm so so sorry.
Secondly - he's a shit unloading this onto you NOW. I can't help but wonder if this younger woman has been threatening to tell you.

I honestly don't know what to say to you at the minute, have literally written and deleted at least three sentences.

Can I ask what he plans to do about work?

AskMeHow · 18/07/2019 21:32

Tell your family. He's betrayed you, he doesn't get to make you keep this a secret too. Facing up to what he's done with full, horrific consequences socially and personally, is part of what needs to happen if you two are going to make it.

usersouthcoast · 18/07/2019 21:34

I actually think @AskMeHow is right. 100%.

Will also mean your family and in-laws will be even more helpful and supportive with the baby and you in later pregnancy.
If they don't know they need to, then they can't truly be there for you and baby

CheekyFuckerHQ · 18/07/2019 21:38

I agree with @AskMeHow.
Don’t burden yourself with keeping quiet to protect him. If he’s sorry and worth keeping, he’ll do everything possible to make it up to you and his family.
I think I would be ditching him though personally 😕

Kathulu · 18/07/2019 21:45

Do you feel emotionally numb about what's happened? At the moment, given the late stage of your pregnancy, you presented your post very factually and with a lot of understanding of your husbands position and his feelings but very little of your own.

Any of us in long relationships know that our eyes and hearts aren't glued to our respective others and of course we can all fantasise about someone else. But he went from a "drunken mistake" to a months long emotional and physical affair because he was worried about what would happen if he was found out

Are you worried that if you push, get mad or tell friends and family what he's done then he'll leave for her, or do you feel his confession and apology are genuinely motivated by doing the right thing?

I hope you're looking after yourself and not focussing on him, his guilt, his need to be forgiven. Being pregnant is hard, being cheated on while vulnerable is hard. Covering up for someone else's screw ups whilst putting on a brave face screws you up for a long time to come.

Take care of yourself before anyone else.

BearRabbitPants · 18/07/2019 21:46

I'm a little bit concerned about your self esteem OP 😞... I really don't know how you can be so calm and collected about all of this especially at one of the most important times in life bringing a baby in to the world.

And I think your OH is soooo out of order telling you just to elieviate his shitty conscience !!! With no concern for your stress levels etc this late in pregnancy.

Sounds like an absolute cunt. Sorry id be packing his bags and putting his arse out of the door - not thinking of ways to move forward with the relationship.

Original poster

Mamatobe19 · 18/07/2019 21:53

I think because I’ve kind of been there and been tempted in the past, I can understand. I’m also really worried that if I tell people then I’m the one who’ll be judged if I chose to stay with him, as well as him.

I want to at least give us a chance to work and see what happens with the baby rather than tear it all apart right now before we have the baby.

But I do totally see where everyone’s coming from and I know there are some things that are so unforgivable, I just feel like I don’t want to stress myself for the baby’s sake as I’m already a high risk pregnancy.

I know I’m being over calm and rational - and I don’t think I have low self esteem at all (I have amazing friends and family, a great job, so happy I’m pregnant and did think I was in a great relationship). Maybe I’m still in shock or denial...

OP posts:

Original poster

Mamatobe19 · 18/07/2019 21:55

Also to say, I’m not scared about rocking the boat in case he goes back to her as I know it’s over - he wouldn’t have told me and risked everything if it wasn’t. I know he genuinely wants to be with me and the baby and the life we’d always planned...

OP posts:

babysharkah · 18/07/2019 21:56

He's not brave for telling you, he's off loading his guilt on you. Would be a deal breaker for me, he will most likely do it again.

Mammajay · 18/07/2019 22:02

It sounds as though he loves you but had an affair. Very hard to forgive and couples counselling might help. When you both see the baby you will probably fall in love with her/ him. It won't be an easy time,but there will be magical moments.

WomanLikeMeLM · 18/07/2019 22:06

Why do you need to cover for him from his friends and family? So what if they are appalled, he deserves it. He knew what he was doing and continued it whilst you are at your most vulnerable, and it never bothered him then. Get shot of him before your little one arrives, concentrate on your bundle of joy, not trying to rebuild your relationship with a vile disgusting cheater.

Rachelover40 · 18/07/2019 22:06

I think because I’ve kind of been there and been tempted in the past, I can understand.

Yes but you haven't been there, only thought about it which is quite different to acting on those thoughts.

I know he genuinely wants to be with me and the baby and the life we’d always planned...

I'm sure he does but can you or he be sure he won't be unfaithful again, having got away with it this time?

Kathulu · 18/07/2019 22:12

There are ways back after betrayal, but it takes a lot of work from everyone involved. Add in the stress, joy, fear, exhaustion and all round holy shit of pregnancy and newborn life then the work that needs to be done may not happen, you push all the anger, fear, resentment and judgement to the bottom of your feelings where it'll fester and explode at some point.

There's no shame in telling people who you trust, who will support YOU and not make excuses for his behaviour. There's no shame in saying that you need space to think, I know space and being alone with your feelings is scary but you need to think about what's best for you right now.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 18/07/2019 22:17

You have a high risk pregnancy and he merrily embarks on an affair- then tells you about it?

Chances are OW threatened to tell you and that's why he got there first.

"it started as a drunken mistake and then ended up feeling addicted to it and unable to get out of it for fear of consequences"
^^^^
What does this even mean? What consequences? Again OW saying she'd spill?

HoHoHolyCow · 18/07/2019 22:21

If you think you want to salvage your relationship is recommend reading The State of Affairs by Esther Perel. I found it an interesting read.

Good luck OP x

PocaNinja · 18/07/2019 22:23

I agree with you OP. Don’t make a decision now, you’re heavily pregnant and vulnerable. Wait until after the baby. Take as long as you need to absorb, reflect, decide etc. Making a rash decision won’t help anyone right now. Having said that he needs to know it wasn’t right and that you’re not staying with him Bcos you’ve chosen to forever, it’s for now and the foreseeable future until you know what you want.

Can you stay with your mum for a bit?

AnotherEmma · 18/07/2019 22:24

You seem to think that you "know" a lot of things.
You don't know, though, do you?
You didn't know he was cheating on you.
I think he is an absolute utter piece of shit to cheat on you and then tell you everything NOW when you are least likely to kick him out.
He knows you've vulnerable and desperately want to stay the "happy family" you thought you were.

You don't have to make any decisions about the relationship but please please please tell someone in real life about what he has done to you. Get counselling if you want to tell someone impartial and not friends of family. But you really should tell someone you are close to.

CocoPops901 · 18/07/2019 22:25

Listen, as someone who went into premature labour as a result of this scenario...

He’s not brave for telling you. He risked your sexual health and the babies health. STIs can lead to blindness in babies so you need screened!

This is a dangerous time for you both as a couple. You’re going to give birth, have a baby to look after- what time will there be to invest in working on the relationship?

Take your time. If he gives a real fuck, he’ll work on himself in the meantime

AnotherEmma · 18/07/2019 22:25

Oh and on a practical note you need to get an STI check ASAP.

PeoniesarePink · 18/07/2019 22:40

I saw my Mum go through years of heartache with my Dad. Each time he cheated and confessed, they went through the manic bonding and sex, then a few years down the line again Mum dropped her guard and Dad did it again.

Don't inflict that life on your baby. It's no childhood and life.

I can vouch for that.

And he will do it again. You know that.

Feckers2018 · 18/07/2019 23:25

LTB

Breathlessness · 18/07/2019 23:30

Tell some friends and family because you need real life support. It’s unpleasant, but you also need to have an STI check ASAP.

WBWIFE · 18/07/2019 23:31

Sorry op but once a cheat always a cheat. Been there done it and wore the t shirt (shortly) before realising I'd never trust him again

SandyY2K · 18/07/2019 23:56

I personally wouldn't tell family if I hadn't decided to end it. My family wouldn't forgive and he'd be treated very differently.

Family and friends find it hard to get past, because they see your pain and who caused it.

Their feelings towards him can make it difficult for you and sometimes...because of their views the betrayed spouse cuts family off ..in a bid to focus on the marriage with positive influences.

Until the next time he steps out and you end up feeling too embarrassed to tell them, for fear of hearing " I told you"... so the BS stays and suffers in silence.

This happens a lot...but not always. My fear would be if he can cheat while you're so vulnerable carrying his child...your first baby...nothing will be a deterrent.

Talk to a therapist for real life support. Another helpful resource is www.survivinginfidelity.com

Bookworm4 · 19/07/2019 00:00

my husband and I have been together 10+ years and we love each other,
Why is it every time a man is a shit the wife says this or he’s an amazing dad blah blah
You don’t treat someone you love like this.

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