8 months pregnant and found out husband cheating

[Mamatobe19]

First of all to say, my husband and I have been together 10+ years and we love each other, I know that. However he told me a few weeks ago he’s been having an affair with a younger woman from work - it started as a drunken mistake and then ended up feeling addicted to it and unable to get out of it for fear of consequences, even though I was pregnant. In the end he said he told me as he doesn’t want it to continue, feels guilty and wants to make amends and be totally there for the next phase of our life.

On the one hand I know he loves me and wants to make it work - especially with our baby due in a month. I know how you can get carried away on a bubble of lust (I’ve not cheated before but been tempted and am quite rational about the difference between love and lust and that people can cheat and still make a relationship work) and as mad as it sounds I’m impressed he had the bravery to tell me. However I’m struggling so much to trust him, to know how to reset boundaries and whether I should actually be considering leaving him. I feel in a really vulnerable position because I’m due with our first baby so soon. I really do love him and want to stay with him but can’t trust he won’t do it again and leave me in the future. He’s said he’s ended contact with her, but I know he did have feelings for her and that’s so hard to deal with emotionally.

We have really close friends and family who we both know would be absolutely appalled by what he’s done and so I can’t really talk to anyone else about this. I’d really appreciate any advice - ideally non judgmental and practical so I can rationally work our what to do. Thank you x

Tell your friends and family what has happenee. He doesn't get to cheat on you while your pregnant then expect you to keep quiet. You deserve all the support you need from those who care the most about you.

I know you said you have been tempted in the past but the difference is you didn't act on it. He has and while you are in a very vulnerable position as well.

The choice of staying is up to you. Personally I would kick him out one for cheating and two for putting the health of our child at risk. If you believe you can work through it the decision is yours alone to make. As a pp said though please get an STI test he has not only risked your health but that of your unborn child. Make sure your both ok before deciding what to do with your OH.

Don’t underestimate how being just about to give birth makes you vulnerable to trying to make it work. You have a right to be completely outraged and angry and to walk away, but for many the nesting instinct and the desire to make things right for the baby can kick in.

If you do stick around, I wouldn’t make it easy or he knows there are no consequences.

Once you have the baby and that whirlwind starts it may be really hard to work through what has happened here as you will be focused on baby, so it could all be put to one side, but could lead to resentment on your part later.
You have been horribly betrayed and yet in your post to my mind, you defend him. You may be doing that due to your vulnerability and that may come back to bite you.

He has told you, you have decided to forgive him. You know what you have is worth saving. As long as he knows that you will leave if anything happens like this again he's out. Don't tell people, I didn't as that's all they will talk about, and they will judge you. My H left me for 3 weeks about 10 yrs ago. We are still together and very happy, but it took time. I for what ever reason admire that he told you and a admire your strength to forgive. But do not be a doormat.

You need to run, not walk, to get a full sexual health check as several very common STIs can have serious consequences for babies if they are exposed at birth (blindness, etc). Whatever you feel about your self, I would be seeing red with rage that he has put your baby at risk of serious life changing health consequences. If anything flags up, you need to get treated right away or in some cases (e.g. herpes with active first lesions), you’d need to consider a c-section.

..it started as a drunken mistake and then ended up feeling addicted to it and unable to get out of it for fear of consequences, even though I was pregnant.

It sounds like you are colluding with your husband to minimize his responsibility. Blaming alcohol, dopamine, and fear of consequences? This man chose to lie, cheat and betray you. He chose to jeopardize the health of you and your baby for the thrill of an illicit affair.

I would impose a consequence right now by having him leave for a while to give you space. He needs to seek individual counseling to work on his character weaknesses that led him to cheat. If you proceed with your relationship, he must be fully transparent with his phone, social media, etc. He must be willing to answer your questions and take your anger at any time. He must cut contact with the OW and, if possible, change jobs.

You would benefit from counseling to help process your thoughts and feelings. That support would be a godsend as you make your decisions. Personally, I would be unable to trust my husband again after such a massive betrayal.

I don't understand how you can say you know he loves you when he did this to you when you were pregnant and told you about it also while you were pregnant. I don't see how those things can be compatible with each other. Or even if he does love you, he doesn't love you or the baby enough.

@Mamatobe19

You say you've been tempted in the past, but it doesn't sound as though you've followed through so I'm not sure this is a Pass for your husband.

I do think, however, keeping this knowledge totally to yourself is unlikely to help your stress levels in the final weeks and particularly once the baby has been born. Could you tell a family member who would be emotionally supportive to you? Your mother maybe, or sister?

Best wishes for the rest of your pregnancy and a happy, uneventful birth. 🌷

OP, you know your husband. We on MN don’t.
We can’t possibly tell whether his affair was a one off, or whether he’s going to be a serial cheater for the rest of your life.
I’m not defending him for a moment - his behaviour was awful - but I wonder if it was the action of an immature man, panicking at the onset of fatherhood and the loss of his carefree youth, being unable to resist the flattery of an OW and the chance for a last taste of young, no strings sex?
Only you can judge whether this was the case, or whether he’s a misogynist shit who will do this whenever he gets the opportunity.
Only you can tell if his repentance is genuine, or just cynical damage limitation before the OW told you herself.
If you decide the marriage is salvageable, and you want to give him one (and only one) chance to make good, then you need to take charge.
You need to show him exactly how much he has hurt you and damaged his marriage. He cannot just say sorry and expect it to be instantly forgotten.
He must accept that you no longer trust him or respect him - both those things will have to be earned back by him, and it will take months or years, during which he must be completely transparent, account for his movements and give you free access to his phone etc.
As I said, this is your call to make, not ours. My best wishes, and my prayers that whatever you choose to do about your marriage will be the right decision for you personally. God bless.

You considered having an affair in the past but you never acted on it. He has acted on it for some time, he didn’t just leave it as the drunken mistake which he easily could have done. Considering he so readily informed you of the affair (not as if you found out from someone else or by searching through his phone) he could have told you about the drunken ONS with her just as easily. I wouldn’t buy his rather bizarre excuse of continuing the affair purely because he was worried about repercussions , I’m sure you’d have been able to forgive a one off far more.

Going forward, I’m assuming he’s still going to be working with this woman? Can you really trust him being around her all week? Can you even trust him at all now?

I do think you’re in shock, you must be to remain so ruddy calm. You do need an STI check just in case. I wouldn’t be able to trust my DH ever again if he did something like this and our marriage would definitely be over. We have a baby as well and I completely understand how vulnerable you feel right now but I couldn’t even bear to look at my DH if he did this.

OP, my heart goes out to you. I would say make no decisions for now. Get yourself to an STI clinic for your sake and the baby's, and get yourself a really good counsellor you can offload onto. Do you have a very trustworthy friend who 100% won't tell anyone? I think you will need some RL support. I do understand your reluctance to involve your family as if you decide to make a go of things you don't want them to completely hate your husband. However he has been an utter dickhead and has some serious work to do to regain your trust and generally make you believe it's worth sticking with him. You're very vulnerable right now and if you don't hate him you may need him to support you through birth and the early weeks and really show you (in what is bound to be a very challenging time) exactly how much you mean to him. I think tell him now that you don't want to make any hasty decisions but he needs to show you just how much he wants your relationship to work out. If it were me I don' think I would ever fully trust him again, but I wouldn't want to do the early weeks of parenting alone (the first months are way harder than giving birth I'm afraid), so I think as long as you don't hate him, stick it out, tell him to treat you properly and then make a decision when you're a bit less vulnerable. Good luck.

This happened to me. We were together almost 8years, married less than 2. I was pregnant on our second child, first was 4.5yrs old. He introduced me to the OW on Valentine’s Day when we were out having lunch in a local pub. She was with her friends & we bumped into them ‘accidentally’. I had my suspicions something was going on before this but the minute I met her I knew it was her. I left lunch early & went straight to a very expensive baby shop & bought the most expensive baby changing unit & Moses basket I could find using exh credit card lol.

By June I told him to leave & he moved straight in with her. I was 7 mths pregnant at the time. It was very stressful, I went into early labour twice & had to have injections to boost the baby’s lungs etc but in the end ds was born bang on due date. I never regretted my decision. I didn’t want to expose my dd to the atmosphere in the house any longer & I wanted to concentrate on both my children without worrying about exh & his shite.

In the end, it’s your decision & I understand you not wanting anyone to know because if you stay together you don’t want your friends & family having bad feelings towards him. I kept it secret myself for a while before he moved out.

Please be kind to yourself & donwhat makes YOU happy. That’s all that matters.

My own personal rule is if you hit me or cheat on me, you only get to do it once!!!

I wouldn't be able to trust him. Every time he went to work, every time he went out whilst I was stuck at home with baby I would be questioning what he was doing and who he was with. The anxiety would kill me and ruin my time with baby. I understand why you don't want to rock the boat here but he has literally fucked you over at one of the most vulnerable times in your life. If you have a DD would you want her to be treated like this?

What a disgusting tramp!
I have been in this situation and have never looked the man in the eye again for putting my unborn child in such a risky situation.
Its vile.
Absolutely no concern for the health of his unborn child!
Makes me feel like i could physically throw up when I hear stories like this.
I think you are mad to try and make it work with him. My ex was out of the door for his lack of regard for his unborn child.

OP, I fear you've come to the wrong place if you are looking to forgive your husband and try to make the relationship work. Many women on here have gone through the journey but chosen a different route so I'm not sure how unbiased or neutral he advice you receive will be
Only you know your husband and partner. You are about to embark on the most exciting adventure of bringing up your child and obviously everyone imagines every moment alongside their partner, mot having the split moments into two households and two parents.
However, I have always said, a happy household is more important than a together household. If you are resentful and angry, please dont subject your child to it any longer than you have to. If you're going to forgive and forget, make sure you do, and dont slap him with it at every occasion. You have to show your child a household with love. If you cant do that, you need to rethink your choice.
I dont think personally I'd be able to do that, but understand your need to at least try. Good luck to you, but please, PLEASE understand that you deserve and need to be and feel loved and a priority, and more importantly so does your child.

Good luck to you and wishing you much happiness whatever choices you make

If you do not tell friends and family, and you stay with him, he gets off scot-free, and you get to share the burden of what he has done. I'm struggling to see how this will do anything but show him that he can cheat on you with impunity.

You are also cutting off your support system at the roots. Your family and friends can never give you advice on anything to do with your relationship, or on your own mental health, because they do not know who you are married to. You are married to a man who will cheat on his pregnant wife and then tell her while she is pregnant. They SHOULD think less of him.

And so should you.

I would want to talk to her and get her side. He doesn’t love you. If he did he wouldn’t of not only put his dick in someone else once but multiple times. So he doesn’t treasure anything. Don’t defend him. Get your own counsellor and support network have space and get angry. This is not normal behaviour. Right now you need support from others not him. Ask him to move out and give you space - ask him to hand his phone over and then ring her in front of him don’t blame her but ask her for details

He doesn't love you though. If he did then he wouldn't risk losing you like this. Speak to some friends or family. Divorce him.

What an absolute shit for doing this!
This is not your dirty little secret to keep! Please tell family and friends for them to be able to support you. It shouldn't matter how they may treat him after the find out. He should have thought about the consequences of his actions before shagging another women!
To repeat what others have said...get yourself a full STI screen! For your the sake of your baby!
It sounds as though you've already made your mind up to stay with him and that's entirely your choice. I couldn't share a bed or my life with a man that has treated me and my unborn child this way. I agree with others that have said just because you may have been tempted in the past and had those thoughts, It doesn't give him the right to follow through with the temptation!

I would make no decisions at this time other than getting an STI check.