Circumventing obtaining his consent to adopt

[Lyaness]

I’m getting married later this year and have a 2year old child. My DP has raised my child since he was born as my ex left early on in the pregnancy. Ex hasn’t seen DS through his own choice but does pay maintenance. I’ve asked my ex to give me the requisite consent to allow my DP to adopt our son but he’s refusing.

Is there a way to proceed without his consent? It seems to be it would be in my sons best interest to have a father who is present and willing to look after him rather than an absent father.

Has anyone got any experience of this?

From what I have read on here, your partner can ask to have parental rights through some process or other but you cannot strip someone of their parental rights without their consent.

My ex doesn’t have PR, he isn’t on the BC but does pay maintenance. I want my partner to adopt my son which would preclude my ex from deciding he wants contact eventually when it suits him.

Would it change if I could prove my ex was dangerous?

If he doesn't have PR, I think you can do it without his permission or agreement. www.gov.uk/child-adoption/birth-parents-your-rights That's if he doesn't apply for an order to stop you/get PR.

You can't expect maintenance AND for your ex to relinquish PR. It's one or the other I'm afraid. Do you and your DP rely on the income? If so then adoption isn't an option.

It's not that easy. Adoption is (rightly) a very complicated process. There needs to be proof of no involvement with the child by the biological father, or a willingness to give up any parental rights. The birth father would lose any rights and responsibilities (i.e. you would not see any more maintenance) upon adoption by your partner.
Important questions you will be asked: Are you married to your current partner? There needs to be strong evidence of involvement and commitment; marriage would be one of those. Two years isn't much. How involved is your partner? Evidence? How involved is the biological father? Evidence? How involved are any other family members? What is in the best interest of the child? Being classed as "dangerous" usually isn't enough. You may end up disappointed.

Sorry, I re-read. Leave it until you have been married for some period of time.

OP didn’t say she expected her ex to pay maintenance and relinquish PR (he doesn’t even have PR)

Can you really go ahead and have your dh adopt him after accepting maintenance all this time? I don’t think parents can be swapped based on the child’s best interest unless there is abuse or neglect.

@HavelockVetinari I don’t expect him to continue paying, I thought that was obvious but clearly not

@Tessalectus - DP and I are living together and are to be married soon. We are both involved with each other’s family. Think I can adequately prove no involvement and commitment to DP.

My ex has a criminal record for domestic abuse against multiple women so was hoping I could use this as further evidence of his unsuitability

OP didn’t say she expected her ex to pay maintenance and relinquish PR (he doesn’t even have PR)

No, but it is a form of involvement. SS usually discourage adoption in favour of other options, such as third-party PR, name changes by deed poll etc. Adoption is seen as the last option if all other avenues have been explored. And they will. Numerous times.

We're currently having to answer questions about religious upbringing, intents for the future, past contact with any relatives, DRB checks for BOTH of us, proof of how much we are committed to each other and my DH to the children, how his family feel, how the birth father's family feel etc.

And I repeat that 2 years won't be seen as a lot of time.

Adopting a stepchild
You need to tell your local council if you want to adopt your spouse’s or partner’s child. You must do this at least 3 months before applying to a court for an adoption order.

The child must also have lived with both of you for at least 6 months.

The adoption assessment
The process to adopt is similar to an assessment through an adoption agency.

The assessment is used to help a court decide if you can adopt the child (rather than being sent to an independent adoption panel).

The court will ask your local council to provide a report on:
-your partner
-the child
-the other birth parent
The report will be prepared by a social worker and will be used to help the court make a decision.

If granted, the adoption court order gives you parental responsibility for the child - along with your spouse or partner.

The order also takes away parental responsibility from:
-the child’s other birth parent
-anyone else who has parental responsibility for the child

Sorry, forgot the URL:

www.gov.uk/child-adoption/adopting-a-stepchild

Add to that that the birth father said no already. That will be taken into account. I'm trying to give you a realistic picture here.

Your DP has only been in your ds' life for 2 years. Which is not a long time. I would wait until the child is around maybe 10 years old or older when they can decide for themselves. I do hope that you are not going to make out to your ds' that your DP is his biological father. The fallout that could cause when DS is older could be very harmful to your DS.

No, but it is a form of involvement.

Not relevant to my comment, I was responding to someone who didn’t read the thread properly.

Why don't you wait a few more years to see how the relationship goes ?

Thanks for all the advice really helpful and good for thought. My ex can’t really afford to pay the maintenance so I was hoping that would be a good enough reason to consent and also since he has never met my son what’s the logical explanation to not give consent?

Does the position change if he readily agrees to this? Will we still have to jump through the same hoops.

@RebootYourEngine - no, I’ll tell my son who his father was and the reason why I fought for the adoption.

Having done this I can promise you it's not easy at all. It took us nearly a year and a half for my husband to adopt my eldest two. We had been married eight years by then and my kids teens so able to express for themselves if they wanted to be adopted and what they wanted. Even then birth father refused despite not seeing them for over three years and the process came to a halt while they interviewed others and tried to decide if the adoption was the right thing. My ex had never paid child support, was never there for school issues or illness and hospital visits etc, he never even attended football matches, drama shows or parents evenings and still the courts wanted more.. In the end I had to apply for child support and on the day he got the letter he agreed that he didn't want them and my husband could have them. Yes sad isn't it!!!!
My ex husbands background played no part in it at all despite evidence. Its a hard slog and I'd suggest you get married first and apply in a year or two when they can see it's serious and your little one is settled..
If he's been paying child support though they may well decide no as he clearly has some connection.. I'm not saying its correct but it wasn't as easy as we tought.

Yes you will have to go through all of the same procedures. It will not be a five minute job either.

Ps. If he agrees then it's alot easier but they still need to agree your partner is right for little one... My husband had to be dbs Checked, work ref etc..

Pps. And it will still take as long..

You will need to do exactly as CrackOn said. The father is involved in the court process. He has to be. If he doesn’t consent you will have to have a contested court hearing and in my experience your prospects are quite poor. Your partner can acquire PR in other ways. It’s a huge step to legally sever all links to his biological paternal family. It might seem unfair, I can see that

In your case it's not about circumventing a rule but persuading the court/guardian of what is in the child's best interests.The court might well take the view that your child will a) lose out financially and b) lose any chance of a future relationship with his birth father and wider paternal family and that on balance it's therefore not in DS's best interests to be adopted. You could make the application and see how it pans out but I don't think your chances of success are high. Have you considered a Residence Order which sounds more apt for your circumstances?

What surname does your child have? Yours or your ex's? IME it is also a lot harder if there is a named connection to the birth father... You're, essentially, talking about a whole new birth certificate, which will name your current partner. Which will absolve your ex of all rights and responsibilities, but will mean that, should you ever split, your current partner will be the one paying CM, passing on his inheritance, taking over if you're physically or mentally incapable of doing so etc. Likewise, your child will be responsible for all a biological child normally is when you both reach old age. It's a huge thing to take on.