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Original poster

My friend and his wife both stopped talking to me

28 replies

Lozie373 · 18/07/2019 12:25

Ok this will be a bit of a long post so grab some biscuits and a drink 😂
I've known these friends for about three years. We met through a job I had at the time. We're all in our early thirties now. We've always had a good friendship. We share the same interests and we would meet up for drinks at mine and my bfs house. My bf is from Spain and we have been planning to move back there for 4 and a half years. These friends knew this from our beginning getting to know you conversations at work. So as I said we met up regularly and would drink into the early hours, listen to music, play games and have a laugh. We'd talk about being best friend's. We were the first people they told when they got pregnant at the beginning of last year. Even asked if I would be at the birth to which I responded of course. Other friends found this request very odd but I thought hey it's my friends. So I went to a few hospital and dr's appointments.they had a false alarm near the end of the pregnancy so I went to the hospital despite having work the next day because I had already informed them of being at the birth. So the dr's said to go home and it was 5 in the morning. I didn't go into work so I missed a days pay. I was fine with this. So fast forward from November to the end of may. Me and my bf were going to see his family in spain. Which we do every year to year. The wife offered to look after our cat on a couple of occasions previous to us going saying she would visit everyday and spend a few hours with her. I said that she didn't need to spend all that time just make sure she's got food and fresh water and a fresh litter tray and that it would be a great help. So a few weeks before I was talking about the cat and the trip. She started to become really quiet about the subject. Her husband had also been quiet for a while. She started ignoring my messages. I was angry. I never asked, she offered on a few occasions otherwise I would have found a sitter or put her into a cattery but it was too late for the vaccinations. So I had to ask my boss which was embarrassing but she agreed. Since then I have heard from them once or twice but not for the last month. So I looked on their Twitter (which I don't have) I had a feeling something was up and I read this message she had wrote
"Sigh.... I'm in such a mood with my friend, and it's because shes recently been on holiday in Spain to see her boyfriend's family, and I know that eventually they are going to move there for good because theres a job opportunity for her boyf, and our friendship is going..
To go down the drain, just like all my friendships seem to.and I want to support her in her aspirations and I want her to have a good life because shes deserves it, but I dont want to be friendless again, and I dont know how to tell her because I dont want to ruin it for her 😥"
But when she next messaged me she just said she'd been busy and had been "in a mood" with her husband. And that she'd been really really busy. Despite the fact she's constantly on social media and never leaves the house. I felt bad when I read her tweet but I also have felt really angry. Neither me or my bf are from the place we live. We moved here because it's cheap to save money. They are our only friends here everyone else lives in London and Spain where we are from. So they've stopped talking to me because I won't stay here for the rest of my life. We have no family here. I'm not sure how to handle the situation or if I just keep doing what they're doing and just ignore them. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Messages I sent them over a month ago have been read but ignored. I don't feel like I should chase people when I've done nothing wrong. Just seems really childish to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lozie373 · 18/07/2019 12:28

Also she doesn't know I read that social media post just to clarify

OP posts:
newmomof1 · 18/07/2019 13:40

Just tell her you've read the social media post and tell her you don't want your move to impact your friendship

hellsbellsmelons · 18/07/2019 13:44

I don't think there is anything you can do about it.
If they have chosen to end the friendship then you just have to live with it.
It is childish. She is basically cutting off her nose to spite her face.
There is no reason why the friendship couldn't continue.
You would visit here and they could visit you over there.

But..... Just wait for her to come to you now.
You've messaged and they have ignored.
Is there a Spanish Expat community in your area at all?
Could you join a couple of clubs?
meetup.com is a good place to start.

When are you planning on moving back to Spain?

Sagradafamiliar · 18/07/2019 13:45

That's a really strange tweet, it doesn't even fit the format. Conveniently for you, you now know exactly what the issue is so you can tackle it.

Bluntness100 · 18/07/2019 13:46

So she's gutted you're going, wishes you thr best, is struggling with it, and what you want to give her s good kick?

You both sound selfish, making it all about you.

Original poster
Lozie373 · 18/07/2019 14:32

Bluntness100 It's not about that at all. I am very non confrontational and I just wonder why she couldn't just tell me instead of posting it on her social media. I in no way want to give her a kick! I feel like their withdrawing has given me a message loud and clear. I've supported my friend through a lot and the same the other way round.

Hellsbellsmelons I always told her there will be a spare room for them to come and stay when we move. We're not planning on moving til late 2020. I sent a message to her last saying I miss our chats and hope she's ok and it got ignored. In Spain his family and friends have been so welcoming and I'm close to them all, I don't think there's much if an expat community there but I'm progressing with my Spanish and some of his friends speak English so it's all good.

I just feel awkward messaging her now which should never have been an issue.

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Sagradafamiliar · 18/07/2019 15:43

Maybe you're not as close as you thought if you can't even approach them about it. To a close friend I would say something like, 'aww I've seen your tweet. Don't feel like you're going to lose us as friends you daft moo. We'll be making visits and you're always welcome when the time comes, are you free for a catch up?'.

sonjadog · 18/07/2019 15:50

How did she fit all that in a tweet?

Original poster
Lozie373 · 18/07/2019 15:53

Sagradafamiliar close enough to be asked to be at the birth of their child, celebrate every birthday, Christmas and New year together. I feel like if it meant that much she would say and it's not just about her I feel her husband has been pulling away for a while and it was originally him I was friends with until he brought his wife round for a drink. Up until that point I only saw her round work as she worked at a different part. For a while before now I only heard from them if they had a problem. I invited them round numerous times for dinner which didn't end up happening. I feel like they went from full on to nothing. Not sure if maybe they feel they shared too much of their personal lives and backed away. But then her tweet seems to tell a story of her being very close to me. It's confusing

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Original poster
Lozie373 · 18/07/2019 15:55

Sonjadog it was two separate tweets

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Sagradafamiliar · 18/07/2019 15:58

I don't think it's confusing as the tweets, though worded very strangely for Twitter, actually explain everything. They've been withdrawing to protect themselves as they value your friendship. All that is left is to talk about it. If neither party wants to, then I guess that's the end of it sadly.

Decormad38 · 18/07/2019 16:00

People Tweet in sequence all the time! Aren't you ending the close relationship by moving away? Why are you angry with her? She's just mourning your rejection.

Original poster
Lozie373 · 18/07/2019 16:09

Decormad38 I'm not sure how its rejection on my part. Me and my bf have been planning this move and saving for 4 and a half years. Before we even met them. am I supposed to say to my bf "sorry sweetheart I know you miss your family and friends but let's stay here forever because two of my friends don't want me to go".

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Original poster
Lozie373 · 18/07/2019 16:15

Sagradafamiliar I think you're right they probably think what's the point of remaining friends as they're just going to leave. But by that account why be friends with someone if they knew when they met me that I had this plan? With skype and WhatsApp and visits it's easier then ever to stay in contact these days. My friends I've known all my life and family are supportive and always have been.

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Proteinshakesandovieshat · 18/07/2019 17:23

She isnt sharing her feelings with you because she knows you have good reasons for going and it will be good for you.

She doesnt want to put a downer on it.

You say you are upset she hasnt come to you, the reason she hasnt is right there. She is distancing herself now, because she will be so sad when you go. She probably didnt expect to become so close to you or, maybe, that you would actually go.

You wont bring this up to her, whilst complaining she wont bring it up to you.

TwistyTop · 18/07/2019 17:40

I've been that friend emigrating a few times now, as I've moved around a lot. Some people react really weirdly to you leaving. iME it's often the people you'd least expect. Some people get jealous and start being a twat to you, and others get really upset that you're leaving and basically stop being friends with you because they're angry/hurt. I've had someone I'd known for years who referred to me as her best mate totally ghost me out of the blue a few weeks before I moved away. She still hasn't contacted me all these years later, but she mentioned to a mutual friend that she was very upset about us leaving and didn't know what to say to me. So she chose to stand me up for some drinks we had planned and then totally ghost me forever more...

It will get even weirder after you move. Other people will disappear. People will promise to keep in touch and say they'll miss you terribly and then you'll see on FB a year later that they got married/had a baby and never even dropped you a text about it.

But it's not all doom and gloom! Some people will make a big effort to keep in touch, and will come over and visit, and you'll get even closer to them. Those are the ones who will be life long friends. Also you'll meet new friends in your new country.

Also... You're only moving to Spain. It's really easy to travel to the UK. I've managed to stay in touch with people on different continents, so if shouldn't be that hard to do it from Spain

sonjadog · 18/07/2019 17:41

She is cutting off her nose to spite her face here. It isn’t hard to stay in touch these days. I’ve lived abroad for over twenty years and I am still in daily contact with my friends in the UK. Social media is amazing in this respect.

I think either you have to approach this with her straight on, or accept that she had decided to end the friendship early and likely unnecessarily.

Fucket · 18/07/2019 17:48

Am I right in thinking your friend has a baby, never goes out and is always on social media and is tweeting about losing her best friend.

Her world has turned upside down, she might have a touch of baby blues and it’s very hard not to feel lonely when you have a baby. Even if you are working you have to race home to care for the baby, and you are always skint.

I would be inclined to think that she is depressed tbh. It’s up to you how you respond to her, but depressed people do find it hard to communicate and ask for help they unfortunately end up isolating themselves.

CarolDanvers · 18/07/2019 17:51

I have a family member who got really angry and resentful when her best couple friend moved to another country. She withdrew from them and created a lot of hurt. She refuses to ever visit them and still expresses anger that they moved, almost five years on. I actually think it can be very controlling people who react like this. They don't like change and would would rather withdraw or be hostile than face it.

Don't listen the poster who accused you of kicking them while they're down, what nonsense!

SusieOwl4 · 18/07/2019 18:07

she may not have handled it well but you obviously are important to her . Its just a bit sad . I would not be angry .

Original poster
Lozie373 · 18/07/2019 18:32

Susieowl4 I'm not angry as much as just annoyed how she acted even before the tweet. Like offering to look after the cat and then ghosting me at the last minute. If I didn't ask my boss we'd have had to cancel the whole trip and we hadn't seen my bfs family for a year and a half. One friend went as far to say maybe she was trying to sabotage the trip but I think that's too far.

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Original poster
Lozie373 · 18/07/2019 18:34

TwistieTop I guess I will how things go when we move hopefully people won't stop dropping out my life just because of a little distance. Though I live at the other end of the country just now so it won't be much different for my friends back home. It's sad that people sometimes let their feelings end a good thing.

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Original poster
Lozie373 · 18/07/2019 18:41

CarolDanvers it's crazy that someone could still hold a grudge. I guess growing up in London I've grown accustomed to people moving away due to the rising cost of living and rent being sky high. Her husband has never left the UK because he doesn't want to so she probably knows she'll never get the chance to visit me. She did say she misses going on holiday.

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Sagradafamiliar · 18/07/2019 18:57

Your cat should've been up to date with its vaccinations. Your pet is your responsibility.

waitWhatNow · 18/07/2019 19:37

Goodness you both seem rather childish! She has plastered it over her social media?! Why would a grown woman do that? I suspect she wanted you to read it and to know.

Why on earth haven't you contacted her to tell her you have seen it? And offered to talk it through? That's what I would have done.