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Original poster

Have I been semi ghosted?

33 replies

Sparklingwaterisgood · 18/07/2019 11:39

This is a weird one but a friend has literally stopped personal
Contact with me but is continuing contact through group chat on messenger . There has been no falling out .
For context my friend and I work together now and again, get on famously and he confides in me. I am
Happily married and he is in a relationship of six months . He has been somewhat dependant Int he past, over texting, crossing boundaries etc but it has all been resolved gently with no problems in the past . I don’t think his girlfriend has given him an ultimatum or anything like that as it is a new relationship and he is always frustrated by his friends who drop friends and hobbies when they meet partners . I am one of very
Many female friends he has. There are no feelings there . I am hurt though.
I did text some weeks ago but he did not reply personally but has ramped up contact in the group chat which is also out of character . I have no idea what’s happened ?

OP posts:
TeaForTheWin · 18/07/2019 11:48

More than likely she has asked him to stop texting all those 'many female friends' he has barr maybe the ones that are longterm mates. I mean, he has a gf so it isn't really appropriate is it. Friends in a group/hanging out as a group is fine though. That's how I would feel anyway. I have lost friendships with guys because they have gfs but usually because I have backed away too - because that is the appropriate thing to do.

If I had wanted to keep the friendship I would have asked to meet the gf and maybe all three of us hang out some time so that she could see I only saw him as a mate. If you feel awks asking for that then he isn't a close enough friend and you should be backing off.

He is still in touch with you so it's not like he is vanished, but you should take the hint and give him space as a one on one friend. If you miss hanging out, arrange a group outing with him or something.

Original poster
Sparklingwaterisgood · 18/07/2019 11:54

Thanks. Yes I completely backed off and suggested we cut back on texting as he is the one who always initiated and it ate into my own time . I agree that it’s entirely appropriate to cut back but as he is a friend of my family’s and gets on so well
With my husband and children and the fact that I am so much older than him , I believed that she could not have possibly
Seen me as a threat. I see it from her perspective if this is what’s happening n that I happen to be a woman but outside of that, I really am no threat whatsoever. I am surprised at him agreeing to it, if it was her who insisted on it .

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparklingwaterisgood · 18/07/2019 11:55

*she

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparklingwaterisgood · 18/07/2019 12:02

Could there be any other explanation and how should I approach it when we meet again? Thanks

OP posts:
TeaForTheWin · 18/07/2019 12:03

Yeah that is odd, you would think she would have suggested both families hang out and she get to know you all. Maybe she is introverted and doesn't want to make the effort and he just doesn't want to push it so he's backing off instead.

Could you make the first move and invite them both for dinner with you and your husband? Or would that feel a bit odd?

TeaForTheWin · 18/07/2019 12:04

Hmm I'd say maybe he is just busy, or too caught up in the new relationship. Maybe he feels more obligated to reply to group convos but not single convos.

Original poster
Sparklingwaterisgood · 18/07/2019 12:10

It wouldn’t. I would like that. I have suggested meeting her but he isnt too keen. Their relationship is new and is fraught with difficulty in that he says that she is insecure and needy due to past relationships and he is struggling with his own need for personal
space . She is a young beautiful lady and my friend really likes her . I am a
Much older woman who is absolutely no threat whatsoever but we have been friends for years and years so I am hurt but I have learned a hard lesson .the irony is that he often speaks of losing respect for friends and family who dump or lose contact with their friends when a new partner arrives ! Although, he can be very intense with contact and overstepping boundaries and I’m sure that if she saw his phone, she would be mad . He did have a crush a couple of years ago but that was shot down immediately . There was no harm done to the friendship . He was younger and going through a bad time .

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparklingwaterisgood · 18/07/2019 12:12

Thanks for your replies @TeaForTheWin

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TeaForTheWin · 18/07/2019 12:23

It actually sounds to me that he is blaming her when actually it's him. I mean...

  • 'She is insercure and needy' (nice way to talk about your partner...)
  • Can be very intense with contact
  • Oversteps boundaries
  • Had a crush on you

Hmm...I'd just be on my guard for triangulation in future. Where he shows up again out of no where, maybe putting her down again as crazy/insecure ect… and acting like your best bud again.

Maybe I'm putting 2 and 2 together and jumping to 5 but it would be another explanation for him suddenly backing off and leaving you feeling ignored. Narcissistic triangulation. His intensity and problem with boundaries would support the possibility.

TeaForTheWin · 18/07/2019 12:27

Or at least the possibility that he is currently idealising her over you and that triangulation might follow. A friend and a partner can be used in the cycle. It doesn't have to mean he still fancies you. But considering he did once upon a time...

Original poster
Sparklingwaterisgood · 18/07/2019 12:31

Thanks. What is triangulation. To be honest, I will never allow him to treat me like that again so if or when he starts beck with contact, I will not be responding in kind , other than to say kindly, that those days are over . He portrays her as a lady who, because of so much dysfunction in her life and abuse in past relationships , is now needy and pushy. However, he is fortunate in that she ticks all the boxes for him whereas many women would not tolerate certain behaviours in their relationships from
Him and he knowingly acknowledges this .

OP posts:
TeaForTheWin · 18/07/2019 12:39

It can take various forms but a common one is when they slag off their current partner to their ex/close friend and often, do the same about that person to their current partner.

Example: Mike is with his gf megan, he tells her he has an annoying friend called sue. Sue is soooo annoying. … ….He messages sue: 'hey sue, gawd my gf megan is doing my head in, she is soooo needy'.

A week later he turns up on sues doorstep 'I have left megan and have no where to go'. Sue takes him in and he spends a week complaining about how awful megan is. He messages megan 'my friend sue is wonderful and you suck'. A week later, he argues with sue. And goes back to megan, who is wonderful again...for now. And the cycle repeats.

They switch between idealising one person and devaluing them. Often slagging the first person off to the other one and vice versa.

Original poster
Sparklingwaterisgood · 18/07/2019 12:46

Christ ! I sincerely hope that is not the case. He doesn’t slag her off so much as speaks about her as if she is to be pitied and he is the rescuer as such whereas the reality is that she tolerates many behaviours that any friend of mine nor me, would ever accept .
Do I continue to engage in group chat and banter or just slowly slip away?

OP posts:
TeaForTheWin · 18/07/2019 12:49

Usually its another person but I actually had an ex triangulate me with America constantly xD He would go on and on about how amazing America was and how he wanted to be there, not here and there was 'nothing for me here' (gee, thanks) and he would go on and on and make me feel like he obviously didn't care about me because he didn't want to be here, with me. So there are various forms of it, I look back on that one now and find it funny. But it's actually quite insidious, especially when they use it to play people off against eachother and break down peoples self esteem.

Like he could actually be saying to her 'why can't you be more like my friend sparklingwaterisgood?' or 'you know who dresses well, sparklingwaterisgood?' ect… ect… too. Been on that end of that too. Ick lol.

TeaForTheWin · 18/07/2019 12:51

I think the whole, him having an issue with your boundaries and having had a crush on you ect...might be wise to take this new gf as an opportunity to distance yourself. Hopefully he wont notice you pulling away. It sounds like he might not have been the best of mates anyway.

Original poster
Sparklingwaterisgood · 18/07/2019 12:53

I will
Read up on that thanks. I guess that by starting off this incessant group chat and directing conversation towards me on that, he feels that he is keeping in touch or perhaps keeping me dangling as a friend? He picked a wrong ‘ un in that case!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparklingwaterisgood · 18/07/2019 12:55

Thanks. He has made that decision for
Me! He is a natural
Charmer who tends to get hisnown
Way so I expect that he will try to reignite the close friendship in the future when or if things go wrong For him .

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparklingwaterisgood · 18/07/2019 12:56

He must not have been as close a friend as I thought to simply stop communicating with me personally in such a manner

OP posts:
TeaForTheWin · 18/07/2019 12:58

Yeah 'narcissitic triangulation' usually brings stuff up. I tried triangulation on its own and it gave me a math puzzle xD

Yeah could be. I'm certainly wary of people who imply in any way that their partner is damaged goods/has issues ect…

Sounds like your instincts could be on point with him keeping you on the backburner. Don't take any sh*t!

TeaForTheWin · 18/07/2019 13:02

Sometimes they are really intense. Like you feel they must really care about you because of how much time they invest in you ect… and then 'poof' gone and you are left wondering if you have done something wrong and really missing them because they were such a big part of your life because of how much they were around ect...and you cant understand how someone who cared could just vanish like that. It's because they didn't care, they just wanted you to care about them and enjoyed your attention.

Not that he is like that of course. All hypothetical lol.

Original poster
Sparklingwaterisgood · 18/07/2019 13:08

I think you may have hit the nail on the head.i have not held Back in telling him a few home truths recently and it went down Like a lead balloon so perhaps I am not of use to his ego anymore

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TeaForTheWin · 18/07/2019 13:22

Oh dear, yeah some people show their true colours when you call them out on their behaviour :/

I'm at the point now where when i find myself with someone who's personality and actions im questioning where I ask myself 'are they a kind person?'

Not, 'do they act like a kind person sometimes?', not 'do other people think of them as a kind person?' not 'do they sometimes do nice things for me?'' just 'are they a kind person?' and if my gut says 'well, no' i friggin listen. Because if they aren't a kind person and they are doing unkind things, its because they aren't a kind person and there's no need to make other excuses for them. And I get on my bike lol.

Original poster
Sparklingwaterisgood · 18/07/2019 13:26

I love your outlook!
Yeah I guess he has not been kind to
Me lately and is not kind to his girlfriend by his overall attitude to their relationship and the way he speaks about her so I expect he speaks about me and his host of mother female friends In The same way . Could be worse I guess , I’m glad that I have a wonderful family and a host of close friends who have never ghosted me
Like this .

OP posts:
TeaForTheWin · 18/07/2019 13:27

I think often our gut knows stuff, but we make excuses for people because 'oh but they are my friend' or 'maybe I'm misunderstanding. When actually, nope, the person is just a bit of a sh*t.

TeaForTheWin · 18/07/2019 13:28

Yeah, he's dead weight and you have better, awesome friends so sod him lol.