Should I end my marriage after only 2 months?

[Jolene88]

I can't actually believe I'm writing this, but I need to get it out. I feel like I'm going insane.

I've been married only 2 months and beginning to think I've made a terrible mistake. I have just turned 39 and my other half is 44. We have been TTC for almost 2 years but starting to get really serious now and considering IVF. One of my issues is the lack of support from my OH (other half). I have been researching, reading, buying supplements, cleaning up my diet, getting regular acupuncture and fertility massage,buying pre-seed, ovulation tests, you name it I've done it. However I feel like I'm in it totally on my own. OH barely shows any interest in it, gets annoyed when I ask him to start eating healthier, doesn't do any of the hard work. It leaves me feeling so lonely as we decided not to share the TTC journey with anyone else. OH already has a daughter from a previous relationship and I get the sense that due to that, he does not want this as much as me and it breaks my heart. Feels like a battle I'm pretty much fighting on my own.

Aside from all that, since we got married, I have barely seen him. He's taken up golf in a BIG way and plays at least 3 or 4 nights a week and also weekends. I usually work on an evening and of course I don't mind him having a hobby, as I know how healthy it is, but it's like he's checked out of the marriage already and is just obsessed with the golf. Because he's out so much, he's stopped doing any jobs around the house such as cleaning, which he used to help with, which means I'm doing it all myself, as well as working full time and TTC. Then on a weekend, we barely see each other. I asked him to cancel one day last weekend and reluctantly he did, but made me feel like I should be eternally grateful for it, which made me feel awful!

Another issue is money. He's terrible with it. He seems to have a lot of debt and never has enough to do anything or go anywhere. This had improved significantly before the wedding, however he now seems to be using the wedding as an excuse for having no money again. For example, if I want to go anywhere or do anything, he says he cant afford it as he's broke after paying for the wedding, so if we want to go I have to end up paying. He's not aid a penny towards the honeymoon, I've had to pay his share. We talked for ages about buying a house after we got married, and whilst I can afford it as I'm good at budgeting and saving, he's telling me he won't be able to for a couple of years now! He has a good job and makes a decent wage so I find it hard to understand. It sometimes feels as though he's holding me back.

The final straw happened last night. I had taken a night off work due to feeling unwell. He was out playing golf. I had asked him earlier to remember to feel the cat. He called me on his way home (not knowing I was at home myself) to say 'Don't worry, I fed the cat'. I asked him when and he said 20 minutes ago. I told him I had been sat at home all evening. He then backtracked and told me I'd mis-heard him, and he'd actually said he would be home in 20 minutes to feed the cat. This was an absolute lie, I know exactly what he said. When he finally got home, he changed his story and said he knew I was at home as he'd driven past and seen my car, and decided to tell me he'd fed the cat as a joke! I repeatedly asked him why he'd lied to me, he then got annoyed at me saying I cant take a joke, and is now not speaking to me! I feel like he was trying to gaslight me which is a form of abuse!

Today I realise I feel so lonely, isolated and unhappy. We are newlyweds and should be on cloud 9, but I feel like running away. Surely it shouldn't be like this?

My biggest problem is that I am DESPERATE to have a baby. Despite these issues, he's a good father to his DD and if I leave, I cant see how I would ever meet anyone and be be ale o have a child du to my age, and that thought is enough to make me suicidal! My life won't be complete until I hav a baby. I just don't know what to do.

Don't tie yourself to this man just because you want a baby. It sounds as if you'll be doing the grunt work yourself and you are in the process of ivf, could you do it on your own via a donor?

Things will not improve in your relationship with a baby in the mix. You sound capable and sensible, could you do it by yourself?

Why the heck would you want to stay with this man? For the rest of your life?

OP - many MN here will tell you all kinds of - he isn’t the right person, etc. Maybe he isn’t in some other movie version of your life.
However, you are 39 and he is your only and last chance to have a baby.
And a baby is the main thing on your priorities, as far as it sounds in your post:
So, forget about all the other complains you have about him. Temporarily. The stress of TTC is hard enough without adding other issues to it.
(Incidentally - that stress is something that probably affected him and how he is in a relationship. But it doesn’t really matter)
Get your baby, if it works. Then sort it the relationship.

On another note - at 39 and having tired for 2 years - diet or healthy lifestyle won’t be the answer.

There is no time to waste anymore. If you can afford it - go and go IVF. As soon as you can.
And buckle up - it’s not an easy process. And very very emotional too. Keep the goal in mind and stop expecting your H to understand and share your feelings and up/downs. He isn’t you. It is possible; and even OK that his urgency for another child isn’t same as yours. It doesn’t matter as long as he is there with you on this journey.

If you are financially able to go it alone, consider a donor (and/freezing your eggs).

This sort of sulky, gaslighting, gameplaying, stonewalling man will make the next 18+ years of your life absolutely horrendous.

OP, seriously, I cannot UN recommended enough having a child with this sort of man. Do you want to spend the next 15 years in family court?

How is he with his ex/custody of his child?

I kind of agree with MM there. This is likely your last chance to have a baby.

Also you loved him enough to marry him two months ago. Surely he hasn’t changed that much in 8 weeks.

Take one day at a time, if you can see any positives each day then remember these.
Money isn't everything.
My DH has changed for the better so much over 11years and I stuck with him because similar to you I so wanted children.
Have you tried just sitting down with him and telling him how you feel? Seriously telling him you think it might be over... it may be the wake up call he needs.

Good luck and stay strong

Well I know what I'd be doing.
I'd be outta there.
I'd be going to a sperm donor organisation and getting a baby that way.
Is that something you can do?
You've not got time to waste now.
So get signed up quick sharp.
My best friend had her DS by donor sperm.
She had him at 39.
There is still time but you need to make that decision soon.

Don't live this half life.
As you say, you should be on cloud 9 as newly weds.
Looks like he got you and now he isn't interested.
Sod that at nearly 40!

I agree, go for a baby by a donor. This guy will drag you down.

The lying to you is a red flag. You'll never trust him now you know how easily he lies.

Be honest with him. Tell him how unhappy you are and see what he does. If he doesn't make huge strides to fix things, off his own back, then leave. This will only get worse.

Have a baby on your own, get the millstone of this guy, his debts and lack of respect for you, off your neck.

The fertility issue could be him. Has he ever been tested?

Are you 100% sure he hasn't had the snip?

I wouldn’t stick with this guy if it was me. He’s out golfing constantly and to be honest, sounds like he’s really not interested in you. Why don’t you go it alone if you want a baby? Ditch this guy and his debt and go get what you want. You might find without the stress of a bad marriage that you fall pregnant more easily.

He's taken up golf in a BIG way and plays at least 3 or 4 nights a week and also weekends. I usually work on an evening
You can't complain that he's taken up a hobby if you're not available to spend time with him!

Oh and if you do get pregnant with this guy, he’s not going to be helping at all is he? He’s already checked out so you’re going to be essentially like a single parent. Why prolong the agony. Just get rid.

TTC can be difficult in a relationship and if you are as fixated on it as you sound then it may be the case that your DH is actively looking to avoid spending time at home to escape the pressure.

That said there is no excuse for him not to be pulling his weight regarding housework and it should not be left up to you to do on your own.

I would seriously consider going it alone if he is unwilling to sit down and discuss the problem that his new obsession is causing.

As you work evenings the midweek golf really is fine but to spend time doing it every weekend to is excessive if it means that you never get any time together as a couple. The odd weekend competition would be a compromise if he let you know in advance so you can make other plans. He would also have to acknowledge that this frequency would have to change again if you successfully conceive and have a baby together.

You say he is always skint and he is playing golf 5/6 times per week, is he a member of a golf club (some fees can be eye wateringly expensive)? Or is he playing on municipal courses on a pay per play basis? Usually some people will also go to the clubhouse or pub for a quick half after too - it isn't called the 19th hole for nothing. All these things can add up financially and when people get obsessed with golf they can get into the habit of spending a fair bit of money on kit too.

If he is bad with money it also doesn't bode well for having a baby, would he support you when on maternity leave for example?

how can he afford golf if he's always out of money. golf is expensive.

However, you are 39 and he is your only and last chance to have a baby.

Bollox to that, what terrible advice @MMmomDD. You have heard of sperm banks/donors, right? She's miserable and you're encouraging her to stay?

Lots of issues here. He disinterest in you TTC must be heartbreaking and very lonely. Him not even acknowledging this sounds very selfish.

How can he afford golf if he's in debt? It's a very expensive hobby. And him doing it 3/4 times a week when you're newly married I think tells you all you need to know.

He doesn't help around the house. Again, lazy and selfish.

And now he's started lying to you. I'd be deeply suspicious of whether or not he's actually playing golf or seeing someone else.

Either way, he's checked out.

Leave him. You do have time to meet someone else. And if having a baby is the most important thing to you, just do it via a donor or sperm bank. This sounds like a miserable, lonely existence. And you deserve better.

Is there any chance he might be out a lot because of the pressure from you, even when you’re not talking about it, all the “stuff” you say you’ve bought, and the diet changes. It’s so much pressure on him, like he HAS to be constantly in the mood to make a baby when you’re ovulating or constantly has to think about what he’s eating/drinking etc. It’s like catch 22.... some people say, forget about it (harder said than done), relax, and it’ll happen.

Have you maybe seen things from his point of view? The cat lie was weird, but I think it may have been because he feels so pressured and dreads coming home sometimes.

It can be overbearing for them when you don’t realise how much it’s taking over your life.

When I first started reading your post my initial thought was 'no wonder this guy doesn't want to spend time with you! You're completely obsessed with TTC.' But the money issue and not helping out and worse of all the gaslighting! A lot of people will tell you to leave but I can perfectly understand your need for a baby. It consumes you! I've been there. I became a horrible person internally while we were TTC. I managed to put on a good front with people but I couldn't stand being in the same room as a pregnant woman! I would have to get out. I'm ashamed of what I became I really am. I was obsessed with OPKs, tracking my BBT and got really hung up on my lack of periods. I felt like I wasn't been given the same chance as everyone else. It seemed so unfair! I would give dirty looks to pregnant women and those with children and just think why them?! Why not me?! I was pushing for all sorts of fertility tests and ended up paying to go private to have them done quicker. I couldn't stand counting the days anymore. When I saw that second line for the first time I can't begin to describe the feeling other than the huge weight of this black cloud above me was lifted in a split second.
It could be possible the distancing thing is because of your obsession. I was very lucky to have a supportive partner. I wouldn't have put up with me if I was him!

The issue with money, making excuses and not helping around the house is definitely a problem that needs addressing. He sounds lazy and irresponsible. The gaslighting is abuse! Personally I would leave. Like others have said would you consider going alone with a sperm donor? It sounds like you would be better off without him. He doesn't sound like he is going to be very supportive once a baby is here. He's 44, lazy and fiscally irresponsible. He won't change now.

OP you're not supposed to tell us what the hobby is - you're supposed to just say 'his hobby'. That appears to be the MN way!

He has no money because he's spending it all on golf.
How old is his daughter? When does he see her?
Have you both been tested with regards to infertility?
IVF is so, so hard. If you're the only one completely invested, you won't mentally handle doing it alone, especially if it's unsuccessful.

Don't stay with him just for a baby - is that the only reason you're having doubts about leaving.
If so, there are other options.
What if you were to stay and never manage to have a baby? You'd be stuck.

Why did he lie about feeding the cat? Where was he if he's lying to you about being home?

You haven't mentioned how you feel about him once in your post. You haven't mentioned a single positive thing.
I think you need to walk away.

Are you sure he's playing golf?

I ask because the lying and gaslighting about something relatively small seems very odd.

Suddenly out of the house for 3-4 nights a week. Yes, it's summer, but still?

Reading it sounds quite fishy to me. But even that aside, this isn't a good relationship to bring a child into, full stop. If you are set on having a baby, I would look into the options you have as a solo parent.

I absolutely disagree with staying with this man for a baby. You are miserable. If you have a child with him, you are tied to him for the rest of your life. Leave him.
Read this advice.
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/ending-a-relationship/how-to-separate/ways-to-end-your-marriage/
Find a sperm donor.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Not bollox. Reality and no rose tinted glasses view on life.

Most relationships struggle and suffer when TTC to conceive against the ticking clock. And at 39 that clock is ticking loudly.
Her H may or may not be a bad guy. OP is clearly in a bad place over TTC and he may just be doing what he can to get through.
So - LTB is indeed a irresponsible advice given that we know nothing about them.

Secondly. Imagine she leaves him now. Factor in the stress and upset it will cause her. And time it’ll take to feel any sort of normal.
Then she can have a IVF on her own - possible, of course.
Or she can date and hope to meet a man who is willing to have a baby almost immediately. At the age of 40 - this would be a unicorn that she needs to encounter. And her decision about him would he driven by the desire for a baby, as she won’t have time to get to know him anyway.
So - in what world is leaving to find an unknown baby daddy is better than the willing baby daddy she has at home?

All of this may sound too calculating. But at some point one has to be.

And - in reality - I think that the OP’s issue isn’t the relationship, but rather the stress of infertility.
It affects women so much, especially in that age group when time is almost up.

I don’t know why so many posters are presenting ivf with donor sperm as a single parent at almost 40 as an easy option. Have any of you had your families that way?