I can't actually believe I'm writing this, but I need to get it out. I feel like I'm going insane.
I've been married only 2 months and beginning to think I've made a terrible mistake. I have just turned 39 and my other half is 44. We have been TTC for almost 2 years but starting to get really serious now and considering IVF. One of my issues is the lack of support from my OH (other half). I have been researching, reading, buying supplements, cleaning up my diet, getting regular acupuncture and fertility massage,buying pre-seed, ovulation tests, you name it I've done it. However I feel like I'm in it totally on my own. OH barely shows any interest in it, gets annoyed when I ask him to start eating healthier, doesn't do any of the hard work. It leaves me feeling so lonely as we decided not to share the TTC journey with anyone else. OH already has a daughter from a previous relationship and I get the sense that due to that, he does not want this as much as me and it breaks my heart. Feels like a battle I'm pretty much fighting on my own.
Aside from all that, since we got married, I have barely seen him. He's taken up golf in a BIG way and plays at least 3 or 4 nights a week and also weekends. I usually work on an evening and of course I don't mind him having a hobby, as I know how healthy it is, but it's like he's checked out of the marriage already and is just obsessed with the golf. Because he's out so much, he's stopped doing any jobs around the house such as cleaning, which he used to help with, which means I'm doing it all myself, as well as working full time and TTC. Then on a weekend, we barely see each other. I asked him to cancel one day last weekend and reluctantly he did, but made me feel like I should be eternally grateful for it, which made me feel awful!
Another issue is money. He's terrible with it. He seems to have a lot of debt and never has enough to do anything or go anywhere. This had improved significantly before the wedding, however he now seems to be using the wedding as an excuse for having no money again. For example, if I want to go anywhere or do anything, he says he cant afford it as he's broke after paying for the wedding, so if we want to go I have to end up paying. He's not aid a penny towards the honeymoon, I've had to pay his share. We talked for ages about buying a house after we got married, and whilst I can afford it as I'm good at budgeting and saving, he's telling me he won't be able to for a couple of years now! He has a good job and makes a decent wage so I find it hard to understand. It sometimes feels as though he's holding me back.
The final straw happened last night. I had taken a night off work due to feeling unwell. He was out playing golf. I had asked him earlier to remember to feel the cat. He called me on his way home (not knowing I was at home myself) to say 'Don't worry, I fed the cat'. I asked him when and he said 20 minutes ago. I told him I had been sat at home all evening. He then backtracked and told me I'd mis-heard him, and he'd actually said he would be home in 20 minutes to feed the cat. This was an absolute lie, I know exactly what he said. When he finally got home, he changed his story and said he knew I was at home as he'd driven past and seen my car, and decided to tell me he'd fed the cat as a joke! I repeatedly asked him why he'd lied to me, he then got annoyed at me saying I cant take a joke, and is now not speaking to me! I feel like he was trying to gaslight me which is a form of abuse!
Today I realise I feel so lonely, isolated and unhappy. We are newlyweds and should be on cloud 9, but I feel like running away. Surely it shouldn't be like this?
My biggest problem is that I am DESPERATE to have a baby. Despite these issues, he's a good father to his DD and if I leave, I cant see how I would ever meet anyone and be be ale o have a child du to my age, and that thought is enough to make me suicidal! My life won't be complete until I hav a baby. I just don't know what to do.