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Original poster

Hoarding partner

35 replies

MUMbailey70 · 17/07/2019 19:28

Hi all. I moved in with my partner about 10 months ago and im having trouble with his hoarding. We live in a huge 4 bedroom 3 bathroom house but every available space is taken up with his stuff. He was single for about 9 years so I understand that this is his kingdom and he has made it the way he wants it to be but he just wont let me in. I bought with me very little, gave most of my possessions up to be with him (very stupid of me in hindsight) I love him dearly but im so tired of living with all this crap. We have 4 bedrooms, his grown up son who no longer lives here has a big room with a bed and all his drum kits etc and its a big mess . I can shut the door on that but there are 2 of us here and all the other rooms are just packed with old hi fi 's, bikes, tool kits, golf clubs ( we dont play golf) and all kinds of stuff that is never used. He just wont throw anything away and any mention of it sparks real anger in him. Amazingly he knows just where everything is and if i do try and throw anytjing away he always catches me out !! He has hundreds of t shirts that no longer fit him and never will again wrapped up neatly in bales of cling film taking up whole built in wardrobes some of them never even taken out of the wrapping they came in. We have a double garage also filled with crap but he wont put tools or golf clubs etc in there because he says they will go rusty. He wont put things in the loft for the same reason. These things are never used and I just cant see his reason (and I cant reason with him). The garage is lovely and dry by the way and attatched to the house. I have a grandson of 5 who comes to stay every couple of weeks and I have to make a space amingst the clutter to put a put me up bed down for him. We have a big enough house that he could have a room of his own if only he would get rid of some of this useless stuff. Im at a loss at what to do. He is a lovely man and I love him a lot but this could actually be our undoing. I suppose in our honeymoon period i didnt see what was actually before my eyes. I spend my whole life now trying to declutter but all I am doing is moving clutter from one place to another and trying make a home for us that im not ashamed of . Any help would be greatfully recieved xx

OP posts:
groundanchochillipowder · 17/07/2019 19:30

You will never win with this. EVER. He will never stop hoarding. I'd cut your losses, tbh. Having few possessions is an advantage. I'd find another place to live and move out. You can still see him without living together if you'd like, but you're onto a hiding to nothing by living with him unless you want to live with a hoarder. It'd be a dealbreaker for me.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/07/2019 19:35

Hoarding is a mental health issue and the most important thing to this man is the hoard. His primary relationship is with that, it is not with you.

I would move out ASAP and end the relationship. I am sorry to write that but this is not going to work out in the long run mainly and simply because his hoard take precedence over everything and everyone else. You will end up feeling far worse than you already do if you do not leave. Your grandson should not be staying in this house and it’s not safe really for you either.

Educate yourself more about hoarding behaviours too.

prawnsword · 17/07/2019 19:39

If he is a hoarder it’s a mental health condition. Watch a few episodes of Hoarders - majority of cases seem combative & resistant to change. Usually risk of facing eviction or losing custody of kids is what prompts them to begrudgingly allow others to come in & attempt to clean up their hoard. Can you live this way forever? Because this is how you end up living this way forever.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/07/2019 19:42

Run for your life. He will never change and his boarding will only get worse. Don't wait until you are completely shattered from living this way, because you will be. He will NEVER choose you over his stuff. Just get out.

7yo7yo · 17/07/2019 19:44

Get out.
He will never change because 1. He doesn’t want to, 2. He doesn’t have to and 3. This is a complex mental health issue.

gamerchick · 17/07/2019 19:51

Move out. There's no law that says you have to live with your partner. There's no need to split up or anything.

You'll not win this, it'll just drive you insane.

gamerchick · 17/07/2019 19:54

What would happen if there was a fire in the house? How much of that stuff will release deadly toxins and make it hard to escape. We get 4 breaths in a fire before we're unconscious. How easy would it be for fire people be able to find you?

Just no.

RhymesWithOrange · 17/07/2019 19:59

Leave and don't look back.

Yankeescot · 17/07/2019 20:00

I have a dear friend that's a hoarder and it's beyond overwhelming to me to even go over for a visit. Like your partner, he has a MASSIVE house and every single millimeter is stuffed with so much crap it's actually hard to take it all in. I believe there's a lot of unresolved psychological reasons why people hoard. My friend(Male) has a lot of junk from his past he's never really addressed and very obviously harbours past issues with very angry responses at times. Does your partner ever respond angrily when asked certain things in relation to the hoarding? And also, does he recognise he's hoarding. My friend refuses to admit he hoards, he says he's a 'collector'. Ugh. One day last year I spent 4 hours cleaning up a portion of his living room. There were papers and pay stubs from the 80's. He refused to let me throw them out as unsure if he'd had a chance to read that paper or cash that cheque! From 35+ years ago! I feel for you, OP. If your partner is truly hoarding that must be a nightmare for you. It would be a deal breaker for me I'm afraid. My pal's former partner left him over it(approx 12 years ago, well before I knew him) and he's still so angry over it. I don't even know her name, he simply refers to her as "that Bitch". I feel for you. So many people choose to live in the past and I think that's a huge part of hoarder's mentality.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/07/2019 20:01

He just wont throw anything away and any mention of it sparks real anger in him.

Hoarders are masters at using emotional terrorism in order to silence their partner and keep their hoard. You haven't even begun to see his true colours yet. Tell him it's you or the hoard. I promise he will not choose you.

MitziK · 17/07/2019 20:02

Walk away, now.

It won't change.

Original poster
MUMbailey70 · 17/07/2019 20:04

Thanks so much for your replies dont get me wrong I dont live in a pit. The house looks ok I guess but if you open bedroom doors (and actually one bathroom) you just see boxes and crates and crap where there should be bedrooms and nice spaces. I know inside this is not going to work its just going to be bloody hard letting him go and starting again by myself :( . I have mentioned that we should move and get a place that is ours rather than it being his but I dont even think that would work :(

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 17/07/2019 20:07

Omg, don't even consider buying a home with him. Horrible, horrible idea.

Nicolastuffedone · 17/07/2019 20:09

It won’t. He’ll only start filling that house up with junk. I’d move out, I couldn’t bear to live like that. Could you live apart but still have a relationship with him?

Outsomnia · 17/07/2019 20:10

So sorry for you OP. Seems you are torn between loving the man but hating the living arrangements due to his hoarding.

Do you get many visitors to your home now? Has his son commented, or is he similar do you think?

I know it is easy to say this, because change doesn't happen overnight, but if you are distressed by this, which you seem to be, could you get away for a week or so and get your thoughts straight in a calmer environment?

I am sorry, but I could never live in a home like that. Look, everyone has a bit of clutter somewhere, think about the dreaded kitchen drawer full of crap, mine are shoes and bags, but it doesn't take over the entire house either!

You said "he won't let me in" that is very telling to me. Hope you sort yourself out, but I'm afraid I would have to leave sooner or later. It is a losing battle, no winners really, apart from your sanity.

Original poster
MUMbailey70 · 17/07/2019 20:10

Im quite a tidy person so im finding this very very hard. I used to have family come stay with me a couple of times a year in a nice guest room that I was quite proud of, I supposed it would carry on and that I could change things but to no avail its never going to happen the guest rooms here are full of 80s computers and all manor of rubbish stuff that will never be usefull again but he refuses to let go. Such a shame as this could be a beautiful house it makes me very sad :(

OP posts:
hadthesnip2 · 17/07/2019 20:15

You dont have to "let him go" and "start again" as you say.....just move out & buy or rent your own place. Your grandchild can then stay (safely) with you & I expect you'll feel a lot better too. You can still have a
relationship with him......just dont have to live with him.

YetAnotherThing · 17/07/2019 20:16

Any chance he might give you 1 room to have as your space, clutter free. Can keep as your escape room, and your grandson could stay there too etc? Does he manage to work and have friends?

Original poster
MUMbailey70 · 17/07/2019 20:17

Funny really hes away with work this week and ive spent all day tidying and moving stuff im sat here now in a lovely tidy clean front room. Ive cleaned the kitchen and decluttered and I feel better than I have in weeks. Hes back late tomorrow night and will probably be ferreting around looking for stuff Ive moved or worrying ive thrown something away. I knew it was a problem but today has bought it home to me just how much if a problem it is :(

OP posts:
Senoritaforever · 17/07/2019 20:18

He still wouldn’t get rid of it.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/07/2019 20:20

My bet is that he is going to be VERY angry that you have cleaned and moved his stuff.

Senoritaforever · 17/07/2019 20:22

Yes he won’t appreciate your ‘decluttering.’

Tableclothing · 17/07/2019 20:23

www.nhs.uk/conditions/hoarding-disorder/

Some info OP

MitziK · 17/07/2019 20:32

Shit. He's going to go absolutely ballistic the moment he sets foot inside the house.

I'm not overexaggerating when I say this.

Do NOT let him get between you and your exit route. Have your keys in your hand and any documents you need safely in your car/bag.

Seriously. I've been assaulted by a hoarder who had actually asked me to come in and help them. If I'd just gone in there/had a key and made it look as though I had thrown even half a roll of aluminium foil away, I have no doubt that the hoarder would have hospitalised me at least and quite likely stabbed me with the item they attacked me with.

I'm sorry if this sounds scary, but the rage of a hoarder is like nothing else I have ever seen. Please be careful. Or at least, out when he gets back - the messages you'll get will make it pretty clear whether it's safe for you to return or not.

Senoritaforever · 17/07/2019 20:37

You obviously felt you had to wait for him to go out to be able to ‘tidy’ and ‘declutter’ as he won’t let you do it when you are there so he will be cross.

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