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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Hoarding partner

35 replies

MUMbailey70 · 17/07/2019 19:28

Hi all. I moved in with my partner about 10 months ago and im having trouble with his hoarding. We live in a huge 4 bedroom 3 bathroom house but every available space is taken up with his stuff. He was single for about 9 years so I understand that this is his kingdom and he has made it the way he wants it to be but he just wont let me in. I bought with me very little, gave most of my possessions up to be with him (very stupid of me in hindsight) I love him dearly but im so tired of living with all this crap. We have 4 bedrooms, his grown up son who no longer lives here has a big room with a bed and all his drum kits etc and its a big mess . I can shut the door on that but there are 2 of us here and all the other rooms are just packed with old hi fi 's, bikes, tool kits, golf clubs ( we dont play golf) and all kinds of stuff that is never used. He just wont throw anything away and any mention of it sparks real anger in him. Amazingly he knows just where everything is and if i do try and throw anytjing away he always catches me out !! He has hundreds of t shirts that no longer fit him and never will again wrapped up neatly in bales of cling film taking up whole built in wardrobes some of them never even taken out of the wrapping they came in. We have a double garage also filled with crap but he wont put tools or golf clubs etc in there because he says they will go rusty. He wont put things in the loft for the same reason. These things are never used and I just cant see his reason (and I cant reason with him). The garage is lovely and dry by the way and attatched to the house. I have a grandson of 5 who comes to stay every couple of weeks and I have to make a space amingst the clutter to put a put me up bed down for him. We have a big enough house that he could have a room of his own if only he would get rid of some of this useless stuff. Im at a loss at what to do. He is a lovely man and I love him a lot but this could actually be our undoing. I suppose in our honeymoon period i didnt see what was actually before my eyes. I spend my whole life now trying to declutter but all I am doing is moving clutter from one place to another and trying make a home for us that im not ashamed of . Any help would be greatfully recieved xx

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 17/07/2019 20:40

I'm sorry if this sounds scary, but the rage of a hoarder is like nothing else I have ever seen.

This 100%. I have witnessed this myself and it is absolutely insane, unhinged rage. Many years ago, a distant relative who was a hoarder finally agreed to allow the family to help him clear out his house. The agreement didn't even last 15 minutes. When the first things were being taken to the door, he went completely mental, to the point he assaulted people. It was terrifying. Needless to say we all left, never went back, and no one in the family ever saw him again.

CatPunsFreakMeowt · 17/07/2019 20:40

Mitzi is right. He’s likely to be livid that you’ve decluttered and moved things around. Please try to keep yourself safe.

You won’t ever be able to change him, this is who he is.

cakeandchampagne · 17/07/2019 20:43

He will probably be angry when he sees what you’ve done.
Have you watched any Hoarders?

Outsomnia · 17/07/2019 20:43

Why are you still there, knowing what's ahead of you. No matter what you do to clean up and declutter, he will not appreciate it. Command and control you see.

I wish you well. You asked for advice, you got it, so deep down I think you know what you have to do. Your views have been validated. It is now up to you to either take that advice or stay and tolerate your current intolerable living conditions. I don't think he will change TBH.

Teacakeandalatte · 17/07/2019 20:46

Well you have been living there a while so you must have some idea if he will freak out or just moan. But I do think other people have a good idea about living separately as I agree he will never change and it must be very frustrating.

happybunny007 · 17/07/2019 20:58

I suppose you’re hoping that when he sees the difference with what you’ve done it will be an epiphany for him and he will realise how much better things could be?

Peregrina · 17/07/2019 21:06

Hoarders do not see how much better things could be - even if they appreciate going into other, tidy homes. It's always - 'what have you thrown away', 'what have you moved?' Speaking from experience, having recently been accused by hoarder DH of moving his library book. Where did he find it? Stuffed in the bag he put it in and then forgot about.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/07/2019 15:52

What happened when he got home, op?

LittleDoll · 19/07/2019 16:15

Hope you are ok op. Cant add any more than what's been said already. He wont change.

apacketofcrisps · 21/07/2019 12:39

How did it go?

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